Tuesday, November 2, 2010

One year!

Well kittykats, I have been slacking as of late on the writing front. Sylvia Plath syndrome again!
Tomorrow is the big day. It will be one year since I last stuck a needle in my arm. It completely blows my mind how much has changed in that time! Oddly enough being clean has been harder this last week than it has been in a long time. I think that maybe the anniversary has brought it to the forefront of my mind.
Then I look down at my arms. I don't see a single track mark, and my arms used to be utterly riddled with them. I think that is something worth preserving! Not to mention the second Chris sees something suspect, he would be out the door. I finally found the one, no way am I jeopardizing that!
In the year I have been clean I have had 16 old friends go to prison on drug related charges and 4 friends pay the ultimate price. Not to mention all the lives that are still in the toilet due to addiction. To my readers who are still struggling, it IS doable! I quit cold turkey and seriously wished for death in the beginning, but I made it. Methadone and Suboxone are not the answer, trading one thing for another does not make anyone better!
Thanks for all your help the past year! As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My Madhouse

I believe that Chris and I had a hall-of-fame-weird wake up call this morning. I am still scratching my head over it.
See, Chris has been feeling ill since last night so he had to call into work. I got up and got the kids on the bus for school as usual, then hit the grocery store. When I got home I was a little tired so I laid down with Chris to take a nap. About an hour later we were awoken by very loud barking. For some households this would be normal, but not ours. We do not own a dog.
Allison's bedroom is right next to ours and it was the source of the racket. We stood in the door bleary eyed and blinking in disbelief. There was a small dirty dog sitting on her bed barking and snarling like mad at the window. In said window hanging from the mini blinds was our kitten, shivering in terror. I thought I was hallucinating.
I was unsure what to do, but I did know there was no way I was getting within biting distance. I grabbed my daughter's TV tray and started swinging at it, then I realized, "Wait, I have a man to take care of this!" So I left Chris to handle it.
The noises from upstairs sounded like they came right out of a cartoon. There was barking, then skittering, and then yelping. He had tried to grab it nicely, but mini-Cujo was not having it and snapped at him. So Chris handled it like any civilized adult. He kicked it square in the face with his size 12 boot. The dog's bowels let loose all over my daughter's bed and somehow on the wall as well. Did the dumb dog run downstairs and out? Nope it darted into our bedroom and cowered growling under our computer desk.
I was sitting on the couch by now listening to the ruckus. I heard Chris bellow, "GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!" and the clattering of claws coming down the stairs. A black ball of fur jumped from the stairs at such velocity that it skidded sideways and slammed into the couch. Then it was running out the back door. I soon saw why....
Chris followed close behind hollering like an Indian going into battle. He was weilding a HUGE nail studded piece of wood and had a crazed look in his eyes. I was about to crap myself, I can only imagine how terrified the dog was. Then Chris sat calmly on the couch, looked at me, and said, "My head hurts."
You see kittykats, when I came in with the groceries earlier, I had not gotten the back door all the way shut. The moral of this story? Men, always help your old lady carry in the groceries or you never know WHAT will happen!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Blog Must Go On!

A short update for you guys. I am going to continue to blog while incarcerated. Chris has agreed to transfer anything I send him onto blogger for me.
This whole experience is going to suck but being able to write about it might make it a wee bit easier. I am sure I will have plenty to write about. No worries, I'm kind of a bad ass so I should be OK in jail. Plus it's amazing how far a sense of humor will get you. I don't think anyone can say I'm not pretty funny.
The only thing that bothers me is that I will probably be exposed to drugs again. I will have a year of being clean in before I'm gone. Not to mention the great things I have waiting on me on the "outside"....I should be fine!
There is a proverbial silver lining to my plea deal, once I am released NO PROBATION! So I can leave this whole sad mess behind me and move on with my life. This is the last link I have to my ex, so thank God for that. If he wants to see his kids, he can have his grandma pick them up. I have no desire to ever see him again. Wow, did that sound too bitter?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

OK, so I am totally screwed....

Well dear readers, as you know I had court today. Chris took half the day off so he could come with me. Guess one of his many talents is not being a good luck charm as it did NOT go well!
I got there about 5 minutes early and proceeded to sit in the hallway for the next hour. Chris said that I was shaking, all I know is that my nerves were shot all to hell. I was POSITIVE I would get a continuance as I just met my lawyer 3 frickin' days ago. It was not meant to be....
After the lawyer came out of the courtroom, he informed Chris and I that not only did I not get the continuance, the DA is sticking to the plea offer she made. I have only a few days to decide if I want to take it or not. For those of you who don't know the specifics, I was offered a year on the receiving stolen property charge, and 250 days on the probation violation. They are to be served consecutively. So with credit for good time, I will be in prison for 10 months.
I don't see any way around this sadly. If I take it to trial and am found guilty I would probably be a lot worse off. So I am going to officially be a convicted felon. This means the death of a lot of dreams. I will never be able to leave the country, I lose my right to vote, and (luckily for BP) I cannot own a gun!
Chris is being really terrific about the whole thing. Not only is he going to stand by me, he is also going to take care of the kids. I have to give him a crash course in running a household, but I am sure he's gonna do great. He is the only positive male role model the kids have ever really had, and he loves them as if they are his own.
So for now I am just going to concentrate on spending as much time with my fiancee and kids as I can and trying to mentally prepare Chris and myself for what's coming. After all, we are spending the rest of our lives together. 10 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, is it?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Court update

I just got back from meeting yet ANOTHER lawyer. The Wayne county public defender's office is in complete disarray right now. This is my FOURTH lawyer so far. The bad news is that I have no cohesion in my defense thus far. The good news is that it looks like I'm gonna get yet another continuance.
It's strange to me that every lawyer I have had so far seems genuinely surprised that the case has gone as far as it has. According to the statute I have to have known the property I received was stolen. I'm sorry but I am WAY to smart to take something I knew was stolen into a pawn shop. That alone should be proof of my innocence, but what the hell do I know?
So I am in a strange position here kittykats. My lawyer thinks he might be able to get me house arrest due to the fact that my son is disabled and there is not really anyone else to take care of him. Chris said that he would be happy to, but I hate to ask him to do that. That's a lot of pressure!
If I take house arrest I am going to have to enter a guilty plea and therefore I will be a convicted felon. I hate to lie like that and say I did it when I did not. At the same time if I take the case to trial and am found guilty it could turn out a LOT worse! So I am in a no win situation!
One thing that I am so grateful for is Chris. He says that no matter what happens in this sorry situation he is going to stand by me. That was my #1 fear-losing him! He's a hell of a man!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Hell freezes over....

OK so I just made a liar out of myself, and I couldn't be happier about it. For those of you that have been hiding under a rock or are not my facebook friends, I am officially engaged.
Chris and I had talked about it for a while, but just talked. Monday night we're cuddling in bed and he looks at me and says, "Jamie Brady Petitt, will you marry me?" Of course being the person I am the response was, "HELL YEAH!" Typical Jamie....
I know, I know, I have railed against the institution of marriage due to bad experiences. The times I got married before were for all the wrong reasons, so I am more to blame than marriage itself. This time around I don't have that little voice in my head saying, "DON'T DO IT!" Plus it's going to be a nice long engagement. I want to be sure I'm sure, and that he is as well.
Of course it still bothers the hell out of me that my LBGT brothers and sisters cannot marry. I feel like my refusal to do it myself will do nothing to help our cause. Why should I deprive Chris because of one of my convictions?
So finally after all this time my road has led me to something amazing. If I trace it all back, several of the most painful experiences over the last few months had to happen to lead me to him. As I always say: you have to take every step on your road, whether good or ill, to lead you to where you are today!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Standing up for ME!!!

Hey everyone, I missed you! I just flat out refuse to be too boring, so I thought I'd wait until I had something to write about. Chris has inspired me to write about what a God damned pushover I am.
I have said in posts before that I am a people pleaser, but I guess this is the understatement of the century. It's one of the number one sticking points in my relationship. Chris doesn't understand why I care about people that just walk all over me. It almost cost me him last week.
A friend of mine stopped by the house last week before he had to go to work. I have been friends with him for a long time and was under the impression that he was clean. We sat around and talked for awhile and he got ready to go to work. He patted his pocket and got a surprised look on his face. Apparently he had a needle on him and did not have time to go home to put it away.
So he begged me to hold onto it for the 8 hours he was to be at work. I said no, I don't want anything like that anywhere near me. He kept on begging and laid a guilt trip on me. It was something to the effect of, "I have all these kids, and if I lose my job they will starve." So I agreed, like an idiot. Can you see where I am going with this?
Yep Chris found it in my purse and FLIPPED OUT! It took a hell of a lot of explaining to make him see that it was not mine. I told him that he could check me for track marks, give me a drug test, whatever he wanted to do. Eventually he saw that I was telling the truth.
I can see why he was so upset, because I put my friend ahead of Chris's wishes. That is a mistake I will never make again. It almost cost me my soul mate. So I have dropped this friend for the sake of myself and my family.
It always sucks to lose a friend, but I could have lost a lot more. I am working on being more assertive and putting my foot down. It just goes to show you living a clean life is not just quitting drugs, it is changing your thought process and how you react to the world around you!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A worthy trade off!

There are certain trade-offs that one must make in life. Some of these are negative and we call it compromise. Others are for the best and we barely feel them.
I have fallen into the latter category kittykats! I am still insanely happy, but herein lies the rub: I have AWFUL writers block.
Literally, I have no idea what to even write in this post. I don't spend all of my time stuck in my own head anymore so ideas are a bit thin. I must have Sylvia Plath syndrome, I can't write unless I am miserable and wanting to die.
I was hoping this would be a temporary thing and once Chris and I were past the "honeymoon" period I would get back on it. Well it's been a couple months and we've had our share of arguments, and still nothing.
So for now I am abandoning ship until I have something worth saying. I am hoping making this declaration might jinx me into being prolific again, we'll see!
Thanks for everyone who has rode out this weird-ass year with me. I still can't believe how much has happened in 2010 and there are still almost 4 more months to go! Oh lord...
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Hey Jealousy

Nobody is perfect, least of all myself. I am aware of this, but what do you do when a character flaw really annoys you?
I have identified the chink in my champion’s armor. Don’t get me wrong, Chris is still my ideal guy, and the one I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. There is one thing that I really wish we could work on though. He has what some professionals call “trust issues.”
Apparently he had the same girlfriend all through high school, and was madly in love. At least until the day he came home to find her mid-coitus with another. After the shock of this he found out that this was not even close to the first time this had happened. I think after this he just shut himself down until recently.
As you well know I stay home and take care of the domestic things while he is at work. I am more than a little bored for a big chunk of the day, as it took us a while to get set up with cable, phone, internet, and other time-sucking devices. Through the boredom I find ways to amuse myself, mostly rereading my books. I do nothing wrong.
He has these nightmare visions of me playing desperate housewife and having someone over during the day. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but it’s something that is always in the back of his mind. How do I convince him that I would never hurt him like that?
Today for example, I went out to get hair coloring, as he wanted to see me as a redhead. Don’t misconstrue this as controlling, I was ready to dye my hair anyway and I usually go red in the Fall. Well I was a bit longer than he expected. The Jeep started to overheat and I took my time at CVS to make sure I had the best color for me. When I came home he was sitting on the porch sulking. I feel like I can’t leave the house without him getting worried about what I am doing. This is no way to live.
I can understand being reluctant to trust anyone after your first love betrayed you, but after 10 years?!I truly believe it is time to get over it. I am not anyone’s property! The fact that the man I love so desperately thinks I would toss him aside like so much trash kills me. Not to mention that questioning what I do when I am alone is right next door to calling me a whore. If he wants to spend forever with me as he says, he needs to let go and just believe in me. I think that I am worth the leap of faith.
This is a new thing for me, as most of my exes frankly didn’t care enough about me to be jealous. It is a good feeling sometimes when he says, “It means you are worth being jealous over.” I don’t buy that I am all that, but he seems convinced that I am something special..
I’m going to wrap this post with a quote from a song I am quite fond of. “The past is gone, but something might be found to take it’s place, hey jealousy”
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

How to save a life

It’s a boring Sunday afternoon. The kids are busy playing and Chris is visiting his folks in Liberty. So I am left alone with my thoughts. There is something that has been weighing on my mind that I thought I would spend a few minutes writing about. Of course it’s the elephant in the room, my drug problem.
I was very honest with Chris about this from the get go. As a matter of a fact I believe I told him about it on our third date. It’s a sad but important chapter of my history and I felt he had a right to know before he got in too deep with me.
I’m coming up to my 1 year anniversary of being heroin-free, and I am proud of that. This is not to say that it ever gets any easier to abstain. I am reminded of a quote by Courtney Love of all people. “Heroin in Seattle falls like apples from the trees.” It’s the same here in Richmond, Indiana. It seems like ever since the economy started to fail and all the factories shuttered their doors the drugs began creeping in.
It’s really a vicious cycle. You have nothing so you use drugs so the nothingness doesn’t bother you so much. Then addiction gets a hold of your spirit and you wind up having less than what you began with. The hopelessness becomes coupled with apathy and your soul begins to die.
I have to be completely honest with you, I was extremely close to relapse just a couple of short months ago. I felt as if I had failed in every way possible as a human being. My life has been a long string of dissappointments and bad choices. Self pity consumed me for most of my waking hours and things that had brought me joy had lost all meaning. I guess you could say that I had a sub-conscious death wish.
Thank God for him, because he has taught me that people can be good to each other and truly care. This is the first time I have every been treated like a human by the opposite sex. Now I count my blessings daily and feel nothing but gratitude.
I am not cured, and I don’t think I ever will be. This is the bad news. The good news is that the cravings have gone from deafening screams to the softest whisper. I make it day by day with the love and support of my family. For now, I would like to think that’s good enough!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Someone make this image go away!

I had a visitor today, one that was quite unexpected. I love this girl to death, but in hindsight I wish she would have stayed gone…
Dear readers, you remember me talking about my neighbors from hell? Well there was an exception to this rule, Tess. When I first moved in she was a snotty little punk like most 16 year olds I have run across in my day. Then something happened that would change her forever, she discovered that she was pregnant.
Family support was hard to come by for this poor girl. Everyone was always wrapped up in their own problems and had no time for a scared child who had made a big mistake. I ended up playing the mother figure to her.
The beginning of her pregnancy she was still willful and quite frankly the most unready parent I had ever seen. I gave her the best advice I could and hoped some of it sank in. Then something amazing happened, she grew up. I guess a situation like the one she was in doesn’t hurt the maturity process, but I was still so happy for her. I knew it was going to be hard for her, but if anyone is tough enough to take it, it’s Tess.
Her pregnancy went really well and I found myself getting excited for the baby to arrive. Whenever the her family was getting to be too much she knew that all she had to do was walk next door. One morning Chris and I even took her to the hospital when she thought the time had come. It was only Braxton-Hicks, but if we only knew what was going to happen 2 weeks later I would have personally begged the doctor to do a C-section.
The Friday before Chris and I moved I had gone next door for some reason or other and Tess was sitting on the porch in silence. We asked her what was wrong. She said the baby had not moved since Wednesday and that she was going to go to the hospital. Needless to say this did not end well….
The baby had died. I guess he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times. Here is where it gets disturbing. The nurses took pictures of this poor baby who had been dead for three days before being delivered via C-section. Then Tess’s family printed the picture in the newspaper along with the obituary. I found this quite morbid to say the least, but who am I to judge what another person does to deal with grief?.
The kids had just arrived home today when there was a knock on the door. It was Tess. I tried to talk to her about what had happened but it seemed to me that she was in shock still. I mean, it’s only been 2 weeks. Then she asked me if I would like to see a picture of her son.
Every fiber of my being screamed NO, but looking in her eyes, I knew that I needed to look for her sake. She pulled a picture out of her purse and showed me. I won’t go into detail about what the baby looked like, but it had been dead for 5 days. Along with that came skin slippage, I’m sure you can imagine what happened when they tried to wipe off the baby post-delivery.
I hung in there though and made comments that I thought would be comforting. I spoke of how well shaped he was, and the size of his feet would have made him a basketball star for sure. The whole time I was saying these things, I couldn’t shake the image of a missing eyelid and the furrows down his cheek where a nurse with fake nails had pressed a bit to hard. I hope this was what she needed, but I wish she wouldn’t have showed me. The picture will haunt me until the day I die.
As some of you know I lost a child between Brayden and Allison. Her name was to be Jayla. At the time I was very upset of course as it was the abuse of my husband that made me lose her. In hindsight I can see the wheels of fate turning. If Jayla would have been born, there would never would have been an Allison. I pray that Tess can find this peace when she is older.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Drama with the sperm donor

Well kittykats, I am absolutely furious right now! Money is a wee bit tight right now with moving expenses, deposits, and the like. I got the brilliant idea to take our cans down to the recycling center. We pile em up pretty quick as I have traded my heroin habit for an energy drink habit. It’s only a few blocks away and I didn’t have much else to do. BIG mistake!
You see, Allison’s biological father works there. Usually I can go there uneventfully and not run into him, but not today. He was working the scales. I usually use initials or pseudonyms but in this case I don’t care. His name is Chad Hamilton and he is worthless.
I was perfectly pleasant to him, and let him know how Ally is doing. He just looked at me blankly. I brought up that she is getting older and eventually I’m gonna have to tell her the truth about her paternity. He actually had the balls to say he didn’t think he was her father. I might be able to understand his concern except for one little thing. We had a DNA test done when she was born (per his request) and the test said with 99.98% certainty that he was the father.
I have raised her by myself and done a hell of a job. All he has done is pay child support and that is not by choice, it comes out of his check. He has 4 other kids which is NOT my problem. I have never bothered him for anything and never took him to court to raise his child support. The thanks I get for this is pretty much being called a whore.
So what do I do in this situation? Allison looks at BP as her father, but he’s out of the picture now. It’s pretty obvious that Chad wants nothing to do with her. Is it kinder to just keep the truth to myself? How would it make Ally feel to know that her own father wants nothing to do with her? I have a million questions and no answers.
For now I guess I will stick with what I have been doing, not talking about daddies. Although my level of anger makes a trip to the “Maury” show to humiliate him sound appealing!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

For my Crispy

Before you I was set adrift in a sea of the blackest sorrow. Waves of desperation crashed over my head. I had heard rumors of sugar white shores, but it was far beyond my vision.
Before you I thought that emotional pain was just a part of life. I thought that happiness was a myth set to TV and music. A method of control, a belief in hope slowly dimming.
Before you I only lived from one day to the next. I sought solace and numbness as I shuffled flat-footed toward death.
Before you I scratched clawhanded at any affirmation of self-worth. I traded crushing depression for a precious few seconds of what passed as joy.
Then you arrived….
Out of nowhere, when I expected you least…. You came crashing through my walls of self preservation, letting in light that I had no idea existed outside of my childhood dreams.
You saw beauty where others had seen nothing. You loved without restraint or shame. You pulled me ashore when I was mere seconds away from ruin. You held me in your arms and whispered in my ear, “I’ll never let go.”
I won’t either.

Another impasse

As you know kittykats there is one issue I feel more strongly than anything else. That is equality in all things. Particularly the rights of the LBGTA community. I feel like they should be afforded all of the same rights as us “straight” people. In the end it depends on what kind of person you are. As awesome as Chris is, we are at an impasse on the subject.
He can’t see how a child raised by same sex parents can end up un-screwed up. I don’t blame him, I blame a lack of exposure to the truth and a small town upbringing. At the same time, this is half of my life’s calling. All the angry e-mails and letters to congressman…what good are they if I cannot convince the man who shares my bed?!
He is accusing me of being one of the church people who is always trying to convert him. I argue with this as I think education is the key to everything. Why are people so reluctant to obtain knowledge? Statistics don’t lie!
So how do I reach his heart dear readers?!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The one man who could change my mind

Well dear readers, if you didn’t notice in the last post, I dumped my boyfriend’s alias. I was calling him Allan, but a good part of my followers have already met him. So what’s the point? His name is Chris and he is amazing. I absolutely have to devote one post to him, as I am giddy as a teenager. I promise after this I will try to keep your nausea to a minimum kittykats!
I’m not one to jump into the deep end about anything, particularly matters of the heart. I have had too much damage done in the past. I can’t quite put my finger on why Chris is so different, but from day one we just clicked.
My intelligence has threatened a lot of men I have dated in the past. This has been an issue for a big chunk of my life. I never mean to sound condescending. I use a lot of three dollar words when I talk, but that is my vocabulary, not me trying to belittle others. The last guy I was with hated it when I used words over three syllables. Chris is entirely different. He says my brain is a huge turn on and never gets offended by my speech. If he doesn’t understand me, he’ll just ask what a particular word means. It feels great to be able to just relax and not have a guy turn me into what he thinks I should be. I am able to fearlessly be myself with no apology necessary.
Those of you that know me on a personal level and not just the main character of this blog are aware about my feelings regarding marriage. I tried it twice and failed miserably, so I had given up on the institution altogether. You can imagine my shock last night when Chris kissed me, looked intently into my eyes and informed me, “I’m gonna marry your ass!” Perhaps it’s not the most romantic way to broach the subject and he doesn’t mean now of course, but oddly enough the idea didn’t make me uneasy.
We have a lot of obstacles we need to get through before this is even an option. My happiness right now has a nasty stormcloud hanging over it. I am referring to my court case of course. Even though BP is in prison he is still trying to ruin my life. I have been afraid that if the unthinkable happened I was going to lose Chris. I underestimated what an amazing guy he is. He does not plan on going anywhere, even if I do have to go away for a while. He always tells me that he is in for the long haul, and you know what? I believe him! There is no lie in his eyes, and he is one of the most level-headed guys I know. He is not one to lie EVER, not even a white lie to spare someone’s feelings. That level of honesty can at times hurt me, but at the same time I know he isn’t lying about the major things either.
So I guess it’s time to wait and see. I never thought I would ever say this, but he is the one man who could change my mind about marriage. Maybe the third time is the charm, and plus Jamie Martin kind of has a nice ring to it! Check back with me in a couple years and we’ll see if he actually did change my mind.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The one conversation you should NEVER have!

Well kittykats, it was due, I guess. Nothing is perfect forever, as much as I wish that it was. I think we have had our first official fight, albeit a quiet one. I would rather be yelled at right now, the silence is crushing me.
You see he brought up the one conversation that a couple should never EVER have, the numbers game. You guys know what I mean, “How many people were you with before me?” I am firmly against talking about this. As long as you are disease free and in one piece, does it really matter? Not to me it doesn’t.
I put off answering as long as I could until I finally just got annoyed and blurted it out. Apparently I am a bit ahead of him which I don’t think is too terrible, considering I am 7 years older than him. For some reason this bothers him a LOT.
I can’t wrap my brain about this. He works daily with the guy I slept with for 6 months before we got together and this doesn’t bother him. So why do nameless, faceless strangers hurt him? He mentioned something about never being my first anything. Well sweetie, that ship sailed long ago, I AM 33 years old. I am not exactly virgin territory.
I am upset right now, but I think this is just a little hiccup brought on by exhaustion and a wee buzz. He is asleep next to me now, hopefully the dawn will bring a bit more rationality.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

He grew up in a heartbeat

Well I take to keyboard right now with shaky hands dear readers. Brayden got off the bus today from his first day of school and tripped me out badly.
I am proud to say that I have raised a great son. He is funny, articulate and polite. I’m not entirely sure how I accomplished this without a male role model, but I’ll take it. He is just now in the 2nd grade although he is almost 9. I held him back for an extra year of preschool, because frankly he was not ready, and he repeated kindergarten. He is in good shape now!
He got off the bus today, and I asked him if he had made any new friends his first day. He said, “Kinda, I have a girlfriend now.” It was all very matter of a fact. Me? I believe I had an aneurysm!
Apparently a little mixed girl (with “pretty hair”) named Tatyana ran up to my son during recess, kissed him on the cheek, and informed him that he was her boyfriend. I guess Brayden agreed to her terms, because he informed me, “If anybody messes with her I’ll take ‘em out!”
I have so many mixed emotions about this kittykats! On one hand I am a little bit proud that my son is so valiant. A man should stick up for a woman if you need it. It took me 33 years to find one who did! It gives me faith that I am raising a good man. Then again he is still a little boy to me, and it’s hard to come to terms with the fact he is halfway to 18.
As all these emotions coursed through my body, I remembered something. I was 9 when I had my first “boyfriend” His name was Jerremy and we played basketball at recess for two weeks. Then I decided that Chris Drake was cuter, but I digress… I turned out fine, and I reckon he will too!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless

You CAN go home again

Well kittykats I went to my high school reunion tonight. I went back and forth in my head whether or not I wanted to actually go for the longest time. Everytime I thought about seeing everyone, it’s as if I was a geeky knock-kneed 15 year old again. This is a strange thing to me. Nowadays I have plenty of confidence to spare.
Finally an hour before it was due to start I told Chris that I wanted to go. He was a wee bit annoyed since I had changed my mind about 800 times in the last week about it. He grumbled for a little while but before I knew it we were on the road to Hagerstown.
I think I drove him half batshit on the way there. I kept asking him if I looked OK, if I was pretty etc. He humored me even though I am sure he was exasperated! Before I knew it I was looking upon my hometown.
Hagerstown is one of those places that seems frozen in time. It IS a pretty little town, almost Rockwellian. Of course there have been a few changes in the last 15 years, but small towns such as this are reluctant to change too much. Therein lies their charm. I hated this when I was a kid and it was the most boring place on earth to me. As an adult I see things differently. I am a city girl at heart, but at the same time the quiet and slow pace are appealing.
We got to the reunion and I froze up a bit in the parking lot, but Chris assured me that it would be fine. I jumped out of the Jeep, plastered a smile on my face, and grabbed his hand in a vice grip. Now here is the strangest part.
I had a really good time! I was happy to see everyone, even the people I didn’t really talk to too much. The years have mellowed people out a lot, and past hurts did not seem to matter. I even talked to my former arch-nemesis (her words not mine) and was reminded of getting into a fistfight with her in front of my mom’s house. I had forgotten, but it brought a big laugh all these years later.
Chris seemed to enjoy himself too, as much as someone who didn’t know a soul could at least. He spent most of the time talking to the husbands and boyfriends of my classmates. My friends were very impressed by him. I’m not sure how to take it, but my friends always seem a bit surprised that I landed a man like him. Perhaps I should be offended by this, but I am more grateful than anything.
We didn’t stay for the whole thing, we jetted after the first band was done playing. It was late and we were both tired. I think that this did wonders for me psychologically. It might sound lame, but I had still held on to a lot of bitterness from those days. Tonight I was able to let go of it and look back fondly on those years. HHS class of 1995-I love you guys! You will always be my old, dear friends!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Home at last!

I am sneaking in a few minutes for writing, although I have about a million things to do. We are offline right now. The house we have is great, but there is one problem. It has never been wired for cable before. They want $150 deposit, as if it’s my fault the previous owners lived in the bronze age. So no internet until Friday at the earliest.
It was a busy weekend. The guys worked so hard. I felt guilty for not lugging stuff like I usually do. Allan and WM told me just to point and say, “Move it to this room.” My moving experiences in the past have been quite different. I just can’t get used to having a real man. I spent so many years putting up with BP it’s a shock to the system to have someone take care of me rather than vice versa.
In other news, the kids started school today. Allison is in the first grade and Brayden is in the 2nd. I have no idea where the time went, but it kind of sucks that they don’t need me like they used to. There was a battle this morning when I insisted on walking them to the bus stop. Brayden is going to be 9 on the 28th and I probably should have seen this coming. He said he would look like a baby if I went with him. I guess he is right. It is only 2 blocks away and he only has to cross one street. I was tear-assing around Hagerstown alone when I was 7, but it’s a different world now, dear readers! Am I wrong in this?
Well kittykats, time to peel myself away from the devil box and try to get the new crib up and running. I am going to attempt to hook up the washer and dryer. This should be funny. It’s like Allan says, I am the brains of the operation. I can discuss literature and politics for hours and I can speak 6 languages, but when it comes to practical day to day things, I am functionally retarded.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Moving day!

Today is moving day, God help me! I absolutely despise moving, but it's time to move on. Too many memories in this place, mostly bad. Not to mention the continued nightmare of my neighbors.
Remember AC from earlier posts? Well her parenting skills have not improved. Now CPS is threatening to take her kids if she does not get her own place. I mean there are 10 people living next door! Strangely enough since this has transpired my landlord has been calling me. Apparently I have been having all kinds of traffic in and out of house. This has Allan and I scratching our heads. He has been here and knows full well that him and grandma have been the only people here for at least the last 5 weeks.
So I get an eviction notice for no good reason. AC has finally won. I am done with fighting this so Allan and I have decided to just get a new house together. We've been living together for all intensive purposes anyways. His toothbrush and half his clothes are here.
Is it a bit fast? Maybe in some opinions. All I know is that it feels right to both of us. Last night he told me I was everything he has ever wanted in a woman. I feel the same about him. Isn't that the root of a great relationship? Chemistry and shared values and goals?
So after he changes 1000 semi tires today he gets to come home and lug furniture with yours truly. Poor guy! But he never complains, I'm not used to a man with that kind of work ethic! We're gonna stretch it out over 2 days, but I have a LOT of stuff. May the force be with us!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm Baaack!!!!

Well kitty kats we have been having technical difficulties for the last month. First the devil box got a nasty virus which I dubbed the "porn bomb." I took it and got it taken care of, but no sooner than I got it home something else went wrong. For my dear readers who are technophiles it was Dell's [ithr] error.
So now with the patronage of my kick-ass stepdad, my computer has been gutted, rebuilt, and is apparently one of the best in Richmond now!
I guess I'll start with the most important thing that has happened.....
I'M IN LOVE!!!!! For real! I am sure you remember the guy who I had been seeing and stressing out over. Well there was a reason for it. When we finally ended whatever it was we were doing (trust me I STILL haven't figured it out) he gave my number to a co-worker. I wasn't exactly thrilled that he did that without asking me first, but I had been on a couple of dates that went nowhere so I decided to talk to him and see what transpired. For the sake of this blog we will call him "Allan."
Well Allan called me up out of the clear blue sky and I REALLY liked talking to him. After a few phone conversations we decided to meet up one Friday night. I met him at the gas station a couple blocks away, as he is originally from Liberty and not very familiar with the southside. I headed to Sunoco feeling like I was going to vomit from nerves but I kept on. Then I saw him sitting in his truck.
Have you heard the phrase "out of my league"? This is the first thing that popped into my head but I jumped in the truck and tried to be my charming self.
Oddly enough he seemed to dig me! We had a good time BSing and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening we went and sat behind his house and talked even more. Then he looked at me and said, "I'm going to kiss you, OK?" I was stunned so I just got the classic deer-in-headlights face and nodded. I think we all know there is nothing like a first kiss, and this one was LEGENDARY! You ladies know what I mean, when you get dizzy and feel it in your toes. I WAS a good girl and didn't give it up, even though it was hard not to! I had a feeling I needed to do this the right way, and I didn't want to be filed under "cheap one-night stands!" Must have been a good move because he called again the very next day, and we haven't been apart (aside from when he works) ever since!
So I am settling into domestic duty, and it suits me. I like to get up before dawn and get his breakfast and coffee ready. I even like washing his dirty ass work clothes. We agree on just enough that we go together well, and disagree about enough to keep it interesting, so all is well.
In short, he's hot as hell, a great worker, funny, and did I forget to mention he's 26?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, July 9, 2010

A bit of luck at last!!!

Well readers, my court case is grinding slowly through our legal system. As much as I wish it would just vanish between court dates, the pesky bastard sticks around.
Everyone I have talked to regarding my case believes my innocence as whole-heartedly as I do. I hope when the time comes things will be resolved in the way they should be. Yesterday things took a BIG step in the right direction.
My first public defender quit the PD office so they assigned me another from the pool. Kemp is a pretty good lawyer, so I was excited about that.
I had a pretrial yesterday. all those are (for any readers lucky enough to be unfamiliar) is a date to go to the judge before your trial and let him know what progress is being made. The process was restarting for me due to the lawyer thing of course, so I am on borrowed time right now!
Well when I got there I was informed that they were changing my lawyer AGAIN! A lawyer with a private practice here in Richmond decided to take a few cases to help out and they picked mine as one of them. This is an INCREDIBLE stroke of good luck. This lawyer is very expensive which equals very good! I am hoping he will know how to prove my innocence in this so I can finally move on. It feels a bit strange to have the last connection I have with my husband be a court case, but LIFE is strange sometimes, isn't it?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Cannot sleep, therefore I write!

Well my spirits keep rising and rising. Maybe I am a wee bit manic right now, but it happens, and it gives me a great chance to catch up on housecleaning and writing.
I hope this is not the case, I am REALLY hoping it's my brain getting right. I have also been able to help a couple of people with some problems so that always makes me feel good. Tonight I would like to talk about one of these people because I hope he NEVER gives up.
We'll just call him Jr. because even initials might violate his privacy. He is a young guy who is just starting in the AA program. He is just a baby in my eyes, but has already dealt with a lifetime of trauma. I can't even tell you the obstacles this kid has overcome. Wish I could but again, privacy!
I admire him so much because despite his youth he has already realized he has a problem. He has tried to quit before with little success, but he keeps trying regardless. WOW, can I ever relate to that?!
I guess my point is this, whether you are 18, 33, or 80 it is never too late to give yourself up as a lost cause. I cannot surrender to what life has thrown at me. So I've had it a bit tough, everyone has their own demons to overcome. Hearing other people's stories gives me hope. I think there is a happy ending out there for each of us. It just might take a while and a few wrong turns to get there! When I feel like giving up, I just look at my beautiful children and know I will be OK, if only for their sake!
For now, my road is going in the right direction, and I am thankful for that!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A MUCH better day today!

Apparently I scared some people yesterday with my post, sorry guys, not my intention.
I think what has been going on in my head is the whole being sober thing. This is the longest stretch I have had in a while. I am no expert but I think I am going to parrot something back to myself that I used to say to my husband when he was at his worst.
It has been so long since I have thought clearly that feeling sober is COMPLETELY abnormal to me. They say that your brain chemistry becomes altered after you abuse your body so much. The first couple of weeks were awful. The good news is that every day when I wake up I feel a little bit better, and a little bit more positive. I hope that this trend continues.
I have not updated anyone on the kiddos lately, but they are doing great! Brayden is going to summer school every day to improve his reading skills. He enjoys it most of the time and I am hopeful that he will be ready to start second grade next month.
Allison is still as rotten as ever, but has improved her listening skills quite a bit this summer. I swear sometimes she has the attention span of a gnat!
I do not deserve all that has been given to me, but I am grateful for it anyways. Even through the hard times my little family has remained close. This is something that I never had growing up, so it's important that my kids have it!
Still here, still sober, still standing, and staying strong!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, July 5, 2010


Sorry about my brief disappearing act. It's been a LONG weekend. Nothing I can really share with you dear readers, but suffice it to say my mood has brought on self imposed lockdown yet again.
I really need to come up with better coping skills than I have right now. The meetings aren't really helping this time around. I sit there and listen, but when it comes around to me, I just say, "pass." I am standing on the edge of a cliff and it's only going to take one little nudge to make me fall. This time I don't think I'll be able to crawl out. I just have this feeling deep down that this is truly my last chance.
I have tried to let people into my life (my real life, not my cyber one) and it seems to blow up in my face every single time. For someone who has gone through as much as I have, I sure can be naive!
One of my friends from high school suggested that I look into my own spirituality. This sounds well and good, but I have been a diehard agnostic for so many years I would not even know where to begin. I have always thought that religion was something created 1000s of years ago to keep people in control. I would like to believe that there is something beyond this world, but I can't bring myself to buy into it. Perhaps "nihilist" is a better description of my beliefs.
Not much more to say right now. This is not my best post, but being as bummed out as I am plays hell with my writing abilities!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My First 21st Century Breakup

Well I did the one thing I swore I would never do. I ended a relationship online. This was not my intention, so please bear with me!
I realized after seeing this guy for a couple of weeks that as far as our life lines went, we were on TOTALLY different paths. I could tell he wanted a wife, kids, the whole 9 yards! These are things I cannot provide. So I thought the gentlest thing to do would be to cut things off before it was too late. He would have been hurt in the end and I thought I was being kind by ending it now.
I probably made an error in how I timed things. the first thing I did was change my fb status to single. He saw it ASAP and asked me what was up. I asked him to give me a few minutes to explain myself via email. Do you think that happened? Before 10 minutes had passed there were posts all over my wall, some of which were petty and mean.
So now we are doing the silent treatment. I am not going to get upset over wanting what is best for my kids and myself. At the end of the day, if it is not good for my terrible twosome, I am not going there! If it hurts another I am deeply sorry, but my kids will ALWAYS come first! Is a few minutes too much to ask?
As always, thanks for listening and God Bless!

Friday, July 2, 2010


This has got to be the hardest day I have had so far in my new sobriety. I am gritting my teeth and ready to punch a wall (or anyone who crosses me)
Sitting here with exactly enough money for a pint in my pocket. It has not bothered me until today.
Some of my fb friends have heard me mention AC, my landlord's psychotic granddaughter. She has set out on a campaign of terror trying to get me to move. You see in her twisted viewpoint if I go, then Granny will let her move in here and live rent free so she can be a doped out jackass happily ever after.
At first it was subtle little digs at me, trying to get a reaction. Like asking me how I have dealt with being with a drug dealing loser of a husband for 10 years, as if her taste in men is any better. I am the only one allowed to insult him. He is still my husband and the father of my kids, so naturally I love him and will not allow anyone to step on him. She would stop by the house asking me if I wanted any heroin as she was going to go get some for herself, knowing that I was clean and trying to remain so. I mean this chick is so screwed up in the head she was shooting up heroin 2 weeks before she gave birth. The only reason she was able to keep her child is because she went to the methadone clinic right before she had her baby. Apparently THAT is better according to the state. It makes me sick that some people can't control themselves for 9 months. This is someones ENTIRE life you are gambling with.
Still I was kind to this girl. I have watched her 2 year old son for for free while she ran around doing God knows what. She was about to be evicted from her last apartment because it was so nasty. Rotted food and dirty diapers EVERYWHERE, including on the kitchen counter where they prepared food. Although it gagged me to even walk into the place I spent a whole afternoon cleaning JUST the kitchen out. It took three hours.
Then things escalated from there. She was calling my landlord saying that a maroon car was out front for just a few minutes at a time so she was sure I was making drug deals. That car belongs to my husband's 74 year old grandmother.
There is one person who I am not allowed to have over TH. I don't want her here anyway because she is from the past that I am trying to forget. When I was in detox last week, she was the only person I knew who had a car. You see I wanted to have some pictures of my kids and of course I could not leave the ward. So I offered to pay her $5 to bring them to me.
Wednesday came around and TH knocked on my door. I opened up, handed her the $5 and she went on her merry way. Well not 30 seconds after she left I got a phone call from my landlord. Her granddaughter had called her and said she saw a drug deal go down. Landlord was HIGHLY upset, but I explained the situation and told her she could call Reid to confirm my story if she wanted to. So that seemed settled.
The next night AC and her little sister pounded at my door at 10:30 PM. They informed me with gleeful looks on their faces that I was evicted and had to be out in two weeks. I was hysterical, naturally. I called a good friend of mine who calmed me down considerably as he could look at things objectively and pointed out that there was no cause for eviction.
The next day my husband's grandma called my landlord to find out what was going on, and she was CLUELESS! She sure had not given them permission to evict me. I was told to just ignore her. I wish it was that easy, but she is living on the other side of the duplex. Today she brought my kids into it.
Allison came in crying her eyes out a little bit ago. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that AC's son had told her that he is not allowed to play with her anymore. When she asked why he said, "My mommy says your family is trash and she is going to make sure you get kicked out so I can have my old room back." (AC and her family lived here before I did.)
If you can't tell I am so mad right now I could murder. Have whatever problems with me that you want, but don't drag my kids into it. It is lucky for her she is not home right now. So all this stress is making me want to drink, but you know what? The stupid whore is not worth throwing my sobriety away for! She'll get hers, karma is a bitch!
Sorry this was a going-off post, but it makes me feel better to get it off my chest. So dear readers, what would you do to AC if you were me?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

New look, new outlook!

Well dear readers, I just redesigned the old blog! Got a little tired of how it looked so I thought I would switch it up a bit.
Quite a bit going on in my world, but luckily nothing too tragic for once! I am now on day #13 free of alcohol. It's not too bad most of the time, especially during the day and early evening. I am way to busy to think about drinking! Nighttime is always the hardest. The good news is that the liquor store closes at 11. If I can hang in there for that long, temptation is swept right away, at least until the next day!
No, the major new development is that I am dating again. I have been seeing a very nice guy who treats me very well. It's kind of refreshing as long as he is not too nice. Herein lies the rub....
I worry about dating someone whose goals are so different from my own. Not the where-you-end-up-professionally kind of goals, the BIG ones. Family, marriage, and everything that comes with it. We enjoy each other's company, but when we were at dinner tonight I mentioned the fact that I will never get married again EVER. Not for any reason! I'm sure he thought I didn't see, but his face fell a bit when I said that. It is nothing against any one man in particular, there are several reasons I am against it. The top three:
1- I obviously tried at it and failed. Not once, but TWICE
2- I flat out refuse to get married as long as my LBGT brothers and sisters are not afforded the same right.
3- I believe that the institution of marriage is in and of itself a blatant violation of the separation of church and state. Once again, see reason #2
So there is one problem. The second one and this one is a BIGGIE! After I had Allison, the doctors decided it would be way too dangerous for me to have another child due to a predisposition to eclampsia (high blood pressure for you menfolk who do not know) So I had a tubal ligation, which mean no kids ever again. I am fine with this as I have no desire to ever go there again.
Adoption is a great and noble thing, but it is a biological instinct to want to have your own child. If you have that opportunity and you are ready, I say go for it! Have a baby. I have no interest in limiting anyone's options, especially when it is such a big decision. Bad things can come out of that! You might look back and think of all the years you wasted with someone who would not give you the one thing you wanted more than anything.
So this is where my head is right now. Luckily the poor guy understands that I have a lot going on right now. I made no promises of when I would figure things out. I hate to say it but that is pretty far down on my list. Number one is ALWAYS the kids and number two is keeping my sobriety going. I'm thinking that I might not have room in my head for anything else. My heart is always open and willing to do anything I can for my family and friends, but I just don't need any more stress. It seems like it follows me around though.
Not gonna think too hard on it. Tomorrow is another day, and I am going to try to see Eclipse (yeah, I haven't made it yet) If that does not pan out I'm going to move a date I have with my kids on Saturday. Three words: Toy Story 3!!!!!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Anatomy of a Relapse, and How I Avoided it!

I would like to start this post by thanking all of you wonderful people for the umpteenth time for how much you have cared about me and my poor excuse for writing.
I am still not drinking. I had a very proud moment this afternoon as far as this part of my road goes. I had to go to my neighbor's house for some insignificant reason or another and I was sitting on the couch talking to the mom when the son came bounding down the stairs. He had a big smile on his face and something hidden behind his back.
It was a pint of vodka he had bought me as a present. His mother is a bit of a pack rat (well maybe more than a bit, have you seen Hoarders on A&E?) I have been trying to help her out whenever I had spare time. So there I am with 7 days of sobriety having a standoff with my best friend/worst enemy. Looking at that seemingly innocuous clear liquid I could actually physical feel what the first taste like. The smell of rubbing alcohol that assaults your nose as you take that first sip and the burning in your throat as it goes home. Then one usually has to fight for the first couple of minutes just to keep it down. The feeling passes, so we repeat said steps until you feel that lovely warmth in your stomach. This is the point of no return for me personally. It wasn't so much what one would get feel "getting trashed and partying" for yours truly. With me it was like all the sharpness of the world was softer and every problem that made life seem like it was over was easily manageable. I always had the answers! Then I would wake up the next morning with absolutely no recognition of the prior evening's "brilliance." Once again I had failed to cure AIDS or end our dependence on foreign oil damn it.
It seemed to me like time had slowed to a crawl, but in reality only 10-15 seconds had passes. When I finally opened up my mouth, guess what I said? NO! I could barely believe it myself. I stayed for a few more minutes but left without so much as a drop of vodka in my system or on my clothes. I won't lie and say the rest of the day did not almost break me but I just remembered that if I was able to say no under those circumstances, that I have a real shot of beating this.
I still awaiting word on how I might be able to attend an outpatient program so I learn not only how to identify trigger and avoid bad situations, but also maybe I can dig deep enough to find enough why I want to hurt myself like this to start with!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Having a sad bastard kinda day

A little advice? When trying to stay sober perhaps listening to Belle and Sebastian on repeat is not the best idea!
I have a big concern about these weird pills they have me take. Sure they help with my anxiety, but I feel like less of myself. I am famous for my facebook quips and anymore when I try to think of something clever, all I see is fog. So all 677 of you, I am sorry.
Today is advocate day, so cross your fingers that my Medicaid comes through. I am not lazy, I want to work SO badly, but when your husband is prison until 2012, it ain't easy. By the time I pay for daycare it's not worth it. With my son's autism, he needs me around anyways.
I was chatting with a friend that means a lot to me last night and he suggested that perhaps I am being a bit self pitying, perhaps he is right, but I know I am meant for more than this. I have a Mensa card in my wallet for Chrissakes! So let's see what happens today and go from there.
Sorry this is a crap post, but like I said, the meds make me feel a bit foggy!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Encouragement is nice, negativity is not!

I woke up today feeling pretty positive. I got a phone call from an advocate from Reid who thinks that can help me FINALLY Medicaid. This would mean I can get medical care and possibly get outpatient treatment for my addictions. Then I saw a comment from my last post and my soul deflated.
I have not been perfect, not by a long shot. I am a binge drinker and I get out of control. I am working on that, which is why I am still in jammy bottoms so I can fight the urge until a meeting later tonight. Yet again, the ostrich method!
The comment informed me that I am one of the most ungrateful people he has ever known. The clincher? This is my stepfather.
As you all know I was adopted as a baby and just reconnected with my birth mother last November shortly before my mom died.
I was sober at the time and things seem well. But then I had a nasty relapse. I ended up lying and deceiving this poor lady. I was an awful person as addicts are.
It may be too much to ask, and I don't deserve it but I beg for her forgiveness. I have no family other than my kids.
I need my mom right now! I am doing the best I can, and have not had a drink in 4 days. How long does forgiveness take?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

I'm still here!

Had to make a new trip to Reid last night, but no worries, not because of drinking!
I had a nasty panic attack and was just flipping out.
It's hard to sober up and realize that self-medication was a problem! This is exactly what my friend BW said, and he is SO right. Once the alcohol wore up, all the other problems came right back.
So I may be sporadic for a while in my writing as I am trying to adjust to my new meds. As of now they have me on something called Vistiral, and believe me it makes me feel weird! You know my dream about playing a zombie in a George Romero movie? Well I'm ready for my close up Mr DeMille.
I want to once again thank all of my friends who were there this weekend. In hindsight I am a bit freaked that I just put it all out there, but now I TRULY know who more friends that I could imagine!
I usually use aliases on here, but these people DESERVE for the world to know how great they are! Angel Selby for helping find me a ride to the hospital has mad love from me! Angela Bruner for taking me in and listening to me cry (plus the almighty cigarette hunt) I was so sorry to see you in such bad health! Last but not least Eric Herzog, who knows how messed up I can be but thinks I am amazing anyway, can't wait to see you on Wednesday.
OF COURSE my fb friends for all the encouragement and birthday wishes.
Like I said I am newly medicated, so I am sure bits and pieces of this might sound odd, but they say I will adjust soon.
One last thing, thanks for all the comments, you can write directly on this site or via networked blogs. The comments DO help. I love you all!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, June 21, 2010

They told me to go to rehab-I said yes,yes,yes

This is quite the departure for me. I usually just type these out, but now I put pen to paper. Allow me to explain why.
I am currently in Adult Inpatient Psychiatric Services at Reid. The whole mess started on Friday. I was upset over something I do not wish to speak about.
Thus began Jamie's pattern of excess. Drink till I pass out, wake up, repeat cycle. Plus in my infinite wisdom my friend offered me some Klonipans, and I took them. I was half lit by the time I got to the bar. My old friends were buying me shots of Patron left and right. I was GONE. I have a few flashed through the night, but not much.Somehow, not sure exactly how, I made it home in one piece. I was alone so at least that was a positive. I sat down by my computer and looked down to see about a fifth of vodka. Was I smart enough to call it a night? Of course not! So at roughly 3:30 AM my roommate flipped out and called 911. I was transported to Reid and when they checked, my BAC was .35. I truly should be dead right now.
I have tried over and over to quit on my own but it's never worked. My liver is hard and painful. I believe it's time to give my problem over to God.
Today was not easy but the nurses were really great and they had me on blood pressure meds and anti-anxiety pills, so that took the edge off.
Next step, figuring out the roots of my illness. Thanks for your continuing support!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Screwed up again!!!

I jut woke up after my day bdayparty with NO idea what happened, I am covered w/ sharpie and I have no idea what happened!
! should not have gone out. Someone fill me in?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Death right next door

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I heard gunshots ring out right next to my head...
Apparently someone I did not know very well (but a good bud to other friends) decided it was the end of it all. So we have a suicide on the south side! I feel so much for his family and friends as I have been there before. At the same time, there is nothing anyone could have done...
My heart cries for these poor people I would like to say it gets easier in time, but that would make me a liar. All I can say is to stay strong as there is NOTHING you could have done! If you need anything I will be here for you, for good or ill!!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Go shorty it's your birthday...

Well my 33rd birthday is coming up on Monday!
I am split between being proud of everything I have accomplished and feeling sorrowful for everything I have not. Is this a typical feeling?
My life has been so full that I am utterly exhausted. I am ready for a long breath and a bit of calm but between my pending court case and my daily struggle to stay sober, it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen anytime soon.
I am hoping that this weekend might give me a bit of a break. I feel SO honored that my friends love me enough to try to throw me a party! I am scared to death I will show up and no one will be there but I know I am being stupid about it. Hell, we almost got Michael Lohan to show up! (Long story guys)
So everyone who will be there, can't wait to see you! Four words...COED NAKED SPRINKLER RUN!!!!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Jesus is burning!

Interesting day today in my neck of the woods.
I am sure that many of you have heard this but those who haven't here's a quick recap...
About a half hour from where I live there is a mid-sized town called Hamilton. Right outside of said town, there is one of those new fangled mega churches. Someone got the bright idea to build a six-story Jesus in front of it to "bring hope and inspiration." I know nothing inspires me quite like tacky roadside monuments. I have been by this monstrosity quite a few times and while it made me throw up in my mouth a bit, it never inspired me to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness!
We have had quite a few violent thunderstorms here in the midwest the last couple of weeks or so. Last night there was a particularly nasty one.
I'm not sure if it was Satan, Thor, or Zeus, but someone decided that the mega-Jesus was due for a good smiting. A lightening bolt hit it and I watched in utter amusement on live TV as Jesus burnt to the ground.
They are now saying they are going to resurrect Jesus at the bargain price of only $700,000! If the evangelist's knew it was that cheap, Armageddon would have started years ago!
I find myself offended by this! If you are a church dedicated to helping others, don't you think the money would be better used I don't know, maybe HELPING THE POOR! They say it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, not sure what the scriptures say about a church building a gaudy monument!
The most ironic part of this strange tale? Across the road from this monument to excess is an adult bookstore, it was untouched!
As always thanks for listening and God bless! (or 6 story Jesus bless!)

My brush with greatness

I was talking to my friend MM last night on facebook. Her brother was on the show "The Singing Bee" and it reminded me that I had not talked about my brush with network TV!
Back in 2008 it was campaign fever all around as I am sure you remember. I was living with WM on 7th street and was at the worst of my alcoholism. Nothing exciting ever happens here in Richmond, so I was surprised when I picked up the paper one morning and saw that Bill Clinton was making a stop here to campaign for Hilary!
I flipped out because I am a big Bill fan. My life was pretty prosperous when he was the president! So I made arrangements for WM to get Allison off the bus and headed to the Richmond fire station #1. I arrived 4 hours early since I knew it would be a mob scene. I was 3rd in line to get in.
It was surreal, there were snipers all over the rooftops and serious looking men in dark suits talking into their wrists. Richmond had turned from a mid-sized boring town to something pulled out of an episode of 24!
I waited FOREVER! In the meantime the media had descended upon the fire station. I was interviewed by 3 different networks. Since I was at the front of the line, they picked us to talk to. I tried to sound clever, not sure if it worked, but I WAS on the evening news. I still have it on VHS where my late mother taped it, and my kids get the biggest kick out of seeing mommy on TV.
They finally let us into the firehouse after frisking us and running us through metal detectors. I was in the very front row next to some soldiers. They got priority of course! They passed out campaign signs and we waited.
Bill was about an hour late, and by the time he got there the seething mass of humanity had elevated the temperature to about 110 degrees. People were fainting all over the place. I felt dizzy as all hell but I hung tough.
Finally they cut off the crappy campaign music and there he was! Bill is SO handsome in person, the TV does him no justice, I had an instant crush. He moved along the front row glad handing everyone. I'm sure if a parent was stupid enough to bring a baby into this boiler room he would have kissed it.
He finally got to me. He reached out and shook my hand and said, "How are you young lady?" He actually spoke to me! I spit out the first thing that popped into my head which was, "I'll be a lot better when Bush is out of office!" He chuckled and winked at me. Then he moved down the line.
I can't remember the specifics of his speech, but it was GOOD! That man could charm the birds out of the trees. He spoke for about 45 minutes and then he was gone. I fought through the crowd and burst outside to get some fresh air.
Two side notes to this story, I was shit-faced drunk the entire time and I voted for Obama!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I feel so powerless!

I write this post with a heavy heart. As my facebook friends already know JK (from earlier posts) had been missing for over a month.
A bit of a quick recap for new readers, JK and I grew up together in Hagerstown. We were together off and on for more than half my life. I would even go as far as to call him my soul mate. If it wasn't for the drinking...
See, he is hands down the worst alcoholic I have ever known. When I decided to get sober and get my shit together the first time I left him and South Carolina behind me, painful as it was and still is.
We never really stopped talking. Although we lived 1000 miles away from each other we talked on the phone several times a week. We always ended the conversations with I love you, and it was the truth.
Mid-March he broached the subject of his moving back here to Indiana to give it another shot. JK was looking for a job online and said all I had to do was say the word and he would be here. I agonized over this for so many hours. I was hanging out with someone else at this point because frankly I had given up on JK. I was afraid if he came back I would just end up drowning in a sea of vodka again, and I probably would have.
I put off the conversation for as long as I could, but one day he told me he needed an answer. It shredded my heart to do so, but I said no. He vanished a couple days later.
Since then I have posted his picture on facebook and sent 1000 emails to mutual friends praying he was OK. I never got any answers until now. I am not a big fan of copy-n-paste, but I received this email from his mom....
"JK is the worst he has ever been. i have not seen him or heard from him for months. he sleeps in people's backyards gets arrested, few hours later he is back on the streets. SE and her girlfriend found him passed out in a creek two days ago. SE found him the other day passed out near a large ant mound (these are horrible biting ants) and they drug him off, went and got some antibiotic creme and had to cover his whole body with it. he knows his son will be here shortly and he said (while drunk) "i want to start my life over with no responsibilities". he specifically said he did not want me in his life. all i have done is taken care of him. supported him, clothed him and his son, fed him and his son and i even send his ex money because won't work to send any support. i am afraid i am going to bury him. Jamie, i don't know what to do." (of course I plugged in the generic names and initials)
How do I handle that?! Is it my fault that he went on this spiral because I rejected him? Or was it inevitable? I have no idea, but guilt is killing me regardless. If anybody has any words of wisdom or opinions on the matter I would love to hear them. You can comment on here or I am always available via facebook.
Today is his birthday, so for now I'm going to try and quell the wracking sobs and instead say a prayer for him. Will you please join me?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Back into the shark tank

Well the time has come for me to begin my search for the elusive "one"!
This as you know is not my first foray into the territory since my last marriage ended. I tried just hanging out with someone and that ended disastrously. Things got more than a little weird! I never felt like I could be myself and was forever afraid that he would take everything I said the wrong way. True I was infatuated for a minute, but that was a VERY brief minute! I will miss having him as a friend in the worst way, but it seems he would always be wondering if I was in love with him or wanting more than I had.
I moved on from that a while back and decided to take a bit of time to get my priorities straight and try to figure out what I REALLY want in a man! I have a bit of an advantage because this blog is like a built in pre-screener. I'll give an interested guy the link and say, "Read this, if you are still interested afterwards, let me know!" It saves a lot of stupid getting to know you chit-chat and it lets them know exactly what they are getting into, good and bad!
Another advantage is that they know I do write and I refuse to censor myself, if they have a problem with that they can walk on. This blog is a tool to help me maintain my sobriety, and that is the 2nd most important thing on earth to me right now.
Allow me to intrigue you, there is someone that has passed the test that I am interested in. He's someone I have known my whole life, so I know he's not a bastard. He enjoys my writing and gets my messed up sense of humor and thinks I am beautiful to boot! I am hoping against all hope he comes out to my birthday shindig next week. Stay tuned!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The Ostrich Method

I have been trying out a new form of rehab that I have dubbed "The Ostrich Method."
Whenever I feel temptation creeping up on me I just put myself on self imposed lockdown and hope that will be enough.
I have considered going back to AA/NA meetings but I can't bring myself to walk the 20 feet across the streets to actually attend one. For someone who is so outgoing I have the worst time at these meetings. It's a combination of shame for every relapse and reluctance to admit I let my problem go as far as it did. It's easy for me to type about it but actually speaking the words is another creature entirely!
I know that most of the people at the meetings have secrets that are more shameful than mine, but it doesn't make mine any easier to carry. There is a meeting tonight so I think I'm just gonna suck it up and walk my happy ass over to the 228 club! It did help the last time I had a good stretch going. I hope it will again!
On a happier note two of my bffs from high school are throwing me a birthday party next Saturday night. Being the eternal pessimist that I am, I am a little bit afraid that no one will show up. After all I am the girl who was stood up for her junior prom! Even if it is just Christina, Wendy, and I sitting alone at a table, it will still be the best time I have had in forever. I miss my girls!!!
Next post: Figuring out how to date again after all these years!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, June 11, 2010

My first drag queen

I am still sober guys! I don't want to have one of those blogs that just blabs about mundane stuff! I would rather not write at all than bore everyone to death. And my life HAS been boring lately, but I think that's a good thing!
I thought I would break things up a bit by telling you about how I first became an LBGT advocate, my first exposure ever to the gay scene.
Most of my dear readers know that I grew up in a VERY small town. My hometown had all of 2000 people in it, and is not exactly an enclave of liberal thought. As far as I know, I only ran across one gay person the whole time I was growing up. A really nice lady who was a lesbian lived 3 doors down from my childhood home. My mom told me not to talk to her because, "She's funny." I had no idea what she meant by that, but it sounded foreboding!
I skipped over a small period of my life in prior posts, so we are going to revisit it now! Right after I graduated high school, I actually ended up in Richmond for a couple of months before I moved on to Muncie. My bff from high school, Christina, and a fellow co-worker from McDonald's had rented a townhouse on the east side of Richmond. They said that I could stay there while I tried to figure out what my next move would be!
Those were great times, we were young and on our own for the first time! It was about to get more fun!
One day as I was coming home I looked across the parking lot and saw an old friend of mine, Kelly. We grew up together but he had moved to Ohio a couple of years previously. He was visiting a buddy of his and invited me and my roomies over to hang out. One guy was just a cool ass stoner, the other one? Patrick was someone I would never forget!
One night Christina and I were chilling over there, getting a bit of a buzz on and having a great (although unremarkable) time. Suddenly Patrick jumped up and told us to hold on, he had a surprise for us. Christina and I just looked at each other quizzically and shrugged. About 20 minutes later he came floating down the stairs.
He was done up in FULL drag! Wig, full makeup, pink dress, the whole nine yards! The worst part is I'm pretty sure he had nicer legs than I did! It took me a minute, but once I got over the initial shock I had a million questions for him. I asked about everything from his lifestyle to makeup tips. I haven't looked back since.
Everything I have done to help with the fight for equality can be traced back to this night. I have no idea what ever happened to him but I thank him for opening my eyes to another world.
Patrick is also the one who coined one of my favorite compliments ever! He said, "Sweetie, you are a drag queen caught in a hot chick's body!" I carry the fag hag gene, and thank God I do!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Last day of school!

Today was the last day of school, finally! It's been a hard year for me and mine. It has also been amazing how far we have all come over the past nine months!
This time last year I had a husband that ignored me, a drug problem, and ZERO self esteem! Now it is like my whole outlook on life has changed....
The kids came home waving a stack of awards with big smiles on their faces. It was so sweet to be fully aware of it and able to share their excitement! I have been complaining about how much more things hurt since I got clean, but there is a flipside to that argument. I also feel the joy so much more intensely!
I am about 50 times more confident as well. One morning, only about 4 days ago, I looked in the mirror without cringing. In fact it was quite the contrary, I smiled and said to myself, "Not too shabby!" Think that was a turning point for me.
I have harped on and on about self-love, but I am actually progressing towards it. Only took me almost 33 years, but am happy I arrived here at last!
Yes, it has been a long strange trip since I started this journey, with you, my dear readers, cheering me on and encouraging me when I faltered. A million thanks to you all!
I will post when I can, but with summer upon me, my free moments will become much rarer! So if I write a bit less, no worries! Not in the gutter with a needle in my arm, just busy with my monsters!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Clawing my way back

Good news guys! I am still clean! It was a rough ass week, but somehow I made it through in one heroin-free piece!
I think my dude got sick of leaving messages, because I haven't heard back from him for almost a full day. There's one less thing to worry about.
I have spent the week at home in deep thought and meditation. It's been good for me. I have always looked at silence as the enemy, but over the weekend, it has become a trusted friend. I feel like I've found out where a few things have misfired in the old psyche, so I am kind of glad temptation was thrown in my face! I know what I am capable of now. I am capable of saying, "Hell-to-the-NO!!!!"
A nice half gram shot would be lovely right now, but I have too much to lose if I take the easy way out of this. I am over 5 months clean, and I'll be damned if I'm going to throw that away for 12 hours of forgetting. Everything will still be there when I sober up. My kids deserve better, my friends deserve better, and by God so do I!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Too much time on my hands!

It is about time to send off the kiddos to grandma's for the weekend. They enjoy it SO much, but there is a selfish part of myself that just wants to keep them here with me!
I can usually figure out something to do while they are gone but I think this weekend is going to be a bit different. I have put myself on self-imposed lockdown for the last week.
You see, dealer guy won't stop calling my house. That is a huge red flag in and of itself. Dope dealers don't call YOU, you call them. So I know he's probably just trying to rip me off somehow! I just have my roommate answer the phone and tell him I'm not here. I need to face it head on, I know this!
I am still hanging tough staying away from the heroin, but I'm wondering why the timing has to suck so hard! How is my dude getting ahold of me when I am at my weakest point since I got clean?! I am feeling COMPLETELY isolated and I know that it would take just one fix to make me happy, perky, and productive! At the same time I look at my kids and know that this is not the answer! If I could only get the answers I am looking for maybe it might be a wee bit easier? Sometimes the silence is so much more painful than the most painful of truths!
I need prayers this weekend, I won't even lie! Gonna call a good friend later and see what they have to say. Hopefully someone has the answers....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Still bummed out, but clean

Yesterday was a very long day for me, but I stayed strong.
I'm in the middle of a really bad depression right now and I don't see any end in sight. I feel like my life is missing something, but what it is I can't put my finger on. I should be happy. I'm dirt poor, but I get by. I have amazing kids who mean the world to me. I have friends who truly care about me. So what is my problem?
I never had much time for self examination when I was strung out. This is one of the dangers of being clean, you think entirely too much. Once the kids are in bed that is all I have to do. I try to distract myself by reading, watching TV, and spending WAY too much time on facebook. It works for a while but once it's time to go to bed my mind just starts going into overdrive. I think about every mistake I've ever made and start the self hating. What is the secret to loving yourself? Hell I would settle with LIKING myself. You guys have read my history so I'm sure you can see why I have a hard time with this!
On the positive side, today I have been off heroin for five months, and for that I am grateful! Here's to making it 5 months and 1 day!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A VERY VERY close call today!

Thank you for your patience during my brief sabbatical. Let me fill you in on my weekend...
I had a good night on Friday. Hung out with a friend of mine and all seemed well. As I mentioned before my guest stars, I DID drink a little (I promised 100% honesty) but not enough to even be drunk. I KNOW, it's not an excuse, but I didn't wake up drunk sick or even with the desire to drink Saturday. I stayed home on Saturday with my kiddos because of their dad getting shipped off. They needed Mommy's comfort and my assurances that I was going to be there even if Daddy wasn't. What a swell position to be put in huh? Thus began my 3 days of hell....
Sunday started out average enough, until the evening rolled around. For some reason one of my best friends has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why. If I had a drunken lost weekend I could understand if I did something idiotic, but I was home and did nothing. So there's another layer to my depression.
Monday was just a lonely kinda day. No phone calls, no invites to go to anyone's house for Memorial Day, nothing. I had fun playing with my kids and I am grateful for that, but I was craving grown up company. It happens and I hope that doesn't make me less of a mother. The evening rolled around and my best friend was still ignoring me.
So obviously I woke up Tuesday in a DEEP funk. The self hate and doubt were creeping back in again. I started my self pitying crap and then I got the phone call.
It was my old dealer saying that he had some fire ass dope and would I like any? I lied at first and said I was totally broke but then he said the 4 most dangerous words a heroin addict can hear, "You want a tester?"
I immediately started sweating and trying to make excuses to myself about how I could do it just this one time. I literally went insane for about 15 seconds. Then I actually took my palm and hit myself in the head and said I would have to call him back. Then I started distracted myself.
The list of what I did to keep my mind off the possibility of free dope today...
1-Walked 12 blocks to CVS and picked up a hair highlighting kit
2-used said kit
3-plucked my eyebrows
4-took an hour long bath
5-waxed my legs
6-made crafts with my kids
7-played in baby pool with kids
8-watched Glee
9-spent WAY too much time on facebook!
10-left the phone off the hook most of the day!
Maybe these weren't the best coping mechanisms, but they got me through today, and I feel good about it. It just goes to show no matter how much clean time you have in, relapse is just a breath away. The gnawing in my gut has subsided and I'm pretty sure I'm good now. Plus I lost his phone number so I couldn't get ahold of him if I wanted to! I know that is a nonissue, I could get something right now if I wanted. It's my kids and you guys that keep me from doing so!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

My Musings....(guest post by Anna)

Sometimes you think your life has fallen into place...you have order, and routine, and serenity. Things make sense, the world makes sense, life makes sense. It seems so easy, so understandable, so mundane. And then it happens.....it doesn't matter what IT is, or WHO it is, or WHERE it is...but it happens. In those times you seek out courage, and wisdom, and truth.......seldom is it pretty, never is it simple, always it is painful. And just when you think you are alone, and abandoned, and incomplete...you are given the opportunity to accept change in the form of another broken soul who speaks to your heart, who listens to your agony, who understands your pain...for they have seen it, and lived it, and gathered it ten fold in their own lives. Jamie has been that path for me.
I lived many years hidden in a haze of alcohol. I prayed that I would drink myself to death....I knew it would happen...I waited for it to happen. I didn't make attempts to prevent it...just the opposite in fact...I encouraged it. That was my path, my destiny, my will. I DID, eventually, painfully, have a breakthrough. I am thankful everyday for that.....
But then...as always happens...I fell. Recently. And I fall with honesty..I AM this person..I am better drinking, I cope better, I love better, I live better. Deployment is heartbreaking..in many small painful ways. In the last few days I have been engrossed in a novel of sorts...a beautiful, funny, tragic, cosmic blog about recovery. Jamie's blog. Your honesty, your triumphs, your failures...remind me that I am greater than the sum of my demons.
Jamie, you survive because you are the first and the last. Rain fell. Shadows fell. And then light poured through....you are that light. It is your heart, and your soul, and your being. You survive because you were BORN to. You survive because you can. Because you must. Because you are.
I continue to hold your addiction and your recovery in my heart. I am strong because you allow me to fall...and you rally with me when I get back up. Bless you.

The Adventure of You (guest post by Phillip)

I remember meeting you for the first time more than a decade ago as a young naive girl possessed of a spirit not since the days of the original Flower Children of the 1960's. Even though there was trouble in your life you just breathed it in and exhaled it as love and harmony. You always laughed in the face of adversity and kept a smile on your face and in your heart. You shared with me the adventure that is Jamie fun and partying but also philosophies and beliefs. It was a magical time me you Jennifer and my buddy Joel hanging out and acting a fool. You shared yourself with me a gift which I will never forget and hope I returned in like fashion.
As always happens in life people seemingly as crucial to your life as the air you breathe begin to drift away. You move in different directions. Planets whose orbits move them on to different areas of the solar system. The gravity of kindred souls however is undeniable and years later I found you through the truth of six degrees of separation and your star now sails in my sky again! I discovered you had become a mother and wife and had experienced many things in our time apart. The darkness that I won't name lest I give it power had creeped into your life. My heart was breaking as I watched you wrestle this demon. I never lost hope because the spark of that girl I knew years ago is still there! I hope and pray that the greater angels of your nature will win out over the darkness and I will have a chance to experience the joy of knowing the new you and set out on that same voyage of discovery. I am your friend for life dear heart and take all the strength and comfort you need from me. I love you and will remain ever one of your fiercest friends!

Tony-Guest post #1

One night I was just doing what I usually do playing on facebook just like any other night I get a friend request. You know how it is someone you haven’t heard from, from high school in 20 years vaguely remember them but something tells you to go ahead and accept it. So I got one such request a few months ago from this lovely lady. She was actually looking for my sister which happens A LOT. And if you are reading this and wondering about sis no she doesn’t have face book though we are trying hard to get her to join.
But she asked me to read her blog. Now I’ll admit I looked at it. Ya know how you would expect to do, kind of skimming through it not really reading it being able to say yea I looked at it without actually doing so.(Jamie don’t smack me)
Then the next thing I know an hour or two later I had just finished reading the last entry made my roommate read it, and emailed a friend of mine for her to read it. I do believe she’s still following it. And I’m thankful for that by the way.
I am immensely thankful for facebook for the same reasons I’m sure many of you. I have gotten back in touch with friends I haven’t talked to in years. I keep abreast of friends that I do talk to but not as often as I should. And as in this case I have connected with someone who I didn’t even know I wanted to and am immensely grateful I have.
You have to read the blog you have to start from the beginning and read it all the way to the end. And you will find yourself going back to read something over again to make something make sense. And unlike most blogs you read them and its nonsensical no one likes blogs because no one really cares what most people think about what’s going on in their lives. I don’t care if your dog hurt its foot today or you think the weather man is an idiot. This blog doesn’t read like a blog it reads like a book and yes I think she should try to publish a book based on the blog and yes please encourage her she may seem sure of herself sometimes but she like everyone else needs encouragement. So please do so.
So how does Jamie’s story and recovery touch me personally? I don’t know how anyone could read her story and not come to the same sensation it’s a story of hope how does this little girl(yes that’s how I remembered you) from a small town in Indiana go through ALL that she has, and come out being the great person she is. Most people would have eaten a bullet by now. I won’t say she’s not calloused by some of it I don’t know how you could have that many wounds and not be. And it’s an ongoing story you read each entry hoping that it just gets a little better you root for her and her kids (which are great btw spend 5 minutes with them and try not to smile it’s not possible not by a long shot.) You hope that if you had to face even the tiniest of a similar problem that you would be able to move on and reach the same place in your life that she has in hers. You realize that not everyone is perfect that mistakes happen you cringe knowing what’s coming up next and you are surprised when it doesn’t. You cheer for her when things go well and you cry with her when things go bad. You want to encourage her when she’s down and hope she lifts herself back up when it goes to shit.
Things in your life may not be as great as you wish they were and you can pray that you can take her lessons learned and apply them to your life. And come to a greater place than you would have without them.
Life isn’t the fairy tales we were taught as a kid. But you can’t help but wonder when the pumpkin will turn into a carriage and the mice will be horses where are the glass slippers for this princess in paupers clothing? Ya got to read to find out so hopefully she will continue to write enriching our lives through her own.

Something a bit different!

I have had a nasty case of writer's block as of late. I have been putting every ounce of energy I have into staying away from alcohol, so been a bit preoccupied.
I am still sober, so no worries there! I drank a bit Friday night but did not lose control, thank God. I do know that it was sheer luck though. I am always just one vodka shot away from disaster.
BP got shipped out of the county jail last week, so his ass is now the property of Indiana DOC. He's at a processing center in Greenfield right now. I have no idea where he is going next. Seeing as I have no vehicle, taking the kids to see him is going to be next to impossible. I am anticipating some behavior issues from them. They miss their dad SO much!
Some of my dear followers have offered to pitch in while I am gathering my thoughts and getting my head straight. I have a series of guest posts on the way. Thank you so much to my buddies who took the time to "do their homework."
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Slacker girl here....

Sorry I have been slacking on posting lately, I'm trying to think how to put what I want to say on paper (or on monitor as it is)
I am still doing fairly well on the sobriety thing. I DID get drunk Friday, but thank God I haven't drank all day today, and I'm not sick.
I think that anyone who has ever tried giving up something they love would ever tell you it's easy to slip up. It only takes one moment of weakness to throw away sobriety. I am not the first but I won't be the last either.
The point is, I'm sober today and that is how I need to look at it, one day at a time. Hopefully soon I will pluck up the courage to go across the street to a meeting. When I sobered up earlier this year I went to at least one a day. Then my relapse happened. All those nice people saw that I had screwed up (the AA clubhouse is right across the street from my house) I know no one would judge me, but I still feel weird about it.
Tomorrow I'm buckling down on here. I have been distracted lately and my writing is suffering for it. I will post at least twice tomorrow if everything goes right.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, May 28, 2010

My muse is on vacation!

I have been wracking my brains for something clever to say lately and I seem to be drawing a blank, so the next few posts are probably just going to be little stories from the past I left out for whatever reason.
I tended to lean towards the tragic and dramatic in my blog and since my hardcore drinking days are behind me for now I thought I might sprinkle in some random fun stories between future posts!
BTW those of my followers I gave homework to? It's about due! I told you guys it would happen sooner rather than later! Anyone else intrigued? Help give the rude girl a break! Contact me on facebook for details, Jamie Equality Petitt. I can also be reached at jamieramone@verizon.net, but be warned, I am LOUSY about checking my email! I am running a bit of a contest right now and the more entries, the more fun it will be! It's about 15 minutes worth of work and it will help me immensely!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The dangers of living with your ex-mother-in-law

Well it's gonna be another of those bitching posts, but if I don't use my hands to type I fear I will use them to choke the life out of someone!
I cannot remember if I have told you this before but BP's mom is my room mate (I will pause here for you to add your WTF's) I will try to condense this.
She was busted for possession a couple of years ago. You may or may not know this but a drug felony means you lose all kinds of things. In her case she lost her Section 8 (which paid her rent for her for over 20 years) and her food stamps. She had absolutely no chance of making it on her own.
BP and I had just got the house that I still live in. We were excited because it's ginormous and had 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I had never had 2 bathrooms before! We heard of his mom's plight and decided to take her in.
Flash forward 10 months later, BP is in jail but guess who's glued to my couch watching talk shows? What started out as tolerable has turned into adopting a very large, very old child.
I don't mind doing most of the work around the house myself. I try to keep the attitude that I would be doing it by myself whether she was here or not. That is just lying to myself though. There is no reason I should have to pick up after a grown woman. I bet you're wondering why I do it? I can't stand my house to look like crap and I hate arguing with her. She gets going and she'll start shrieking like a train whistle.
This pales in comparison to my #1 gripe. She is grandma, with everything that comes with that title. This includes a compulsion to spoil them. I have been having a few problems with the kids since BP went to jail, but they were few and far between. Now something has started I am nipping in the bud NOW!
The kids have learned how to manipulate, and I am not thrilled about it. They will ask me something whether it's ice cream, computer time, to go outside, whatever. Sometimes for whatever reason I will have to say no.
They will wait until I am otherwise engaged, usually while cleaning something upstairs, and run to Grandma. When asked the same question as I, her response is usually yes. I have spoken to her about it but she always claims to have "forgotten" or "they deserved it"
Every time something like that happens, I feel like I lose the respect of my children a little bit more! Am I wrong to be furious about this?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!