tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29215747633129829912024-03-19T04:47:01.632-07:00arudegirlsroadJourney of the recovery of an aging punk girl. She started getting drunk at shows years ago and kinda forgot to stop.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-47178947933463642952014-10-11T16:48:00.001-07:002014-10-11T16:48:36.013-07:00How Low Can She Go? Not Quite THAT low!I never write anymore, other than the random one-liner. I am afraid of what I might say.<div>
In case you haven't noticed by this point, I am very concerned about what everyone thinks of me. This is less of an exercise in bravery and honesty than a cry for someone to tell me that I am still a decent person.</div>
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I made a dumb mistake last week. I decided that there was something worth salvaging in my relationship. Stupid, huh? But I am a human being and a girl. I tend to fall for beautiful words. The whole time these words were spilling out of his mouth, he was sleeping with someone who I considered a friend.</div>
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I never thought that there was a switch that could shut it all off instantly, but that did it.</div>
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Having a hard time believing me? I don't blame you. I have said this enough times. But let's be honest and a little crass. You go into another woman after me, there will be no more me. Ever again. Call me old-fashioned, but I consider that sacred. Infidelity is unforgivable to me.</div>
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I was starting to move on before this, before my little stutter of insanity. I have someone that I like. I am capable of finding love again. And if I don't, I am starting to be OK with being alone. I pay my bills with a little left over. I have gone from nothing post-prison to having a house full of stuff that is mine and mine alone. That is some serious progress. Remember Jamie, remember. </div>
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As always, thanks for listening and God bless!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-37487162180356734422014-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:002014-09-13T19:33:19.317-07:00When Harry Hated SallyHaven't wrote for awhile. Been in a bit of a tailspin. There is a good reason for this.<div>
It's over.</div>
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Yeah, yeah, I know that it was officially over back in May, but I guess both of us held out hope that there was some way to salvage things. </div>
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I swear, I have never seen anything like it. If we were just texting or something, everything was OK. But it seemed like we couldn't be together for more than an hour without one of us getting pissed off at the other.</div>
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Is this a dead giveaway that we are not right for each other? Of course it is. Does this make me grieve any less for what was supposed to be? Hell no.</div>
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I was supposed to have the barefoot wedding in the woods, the comical last name, and my best friend of 20 years to be the man I woke up next to every morning.</div>
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I wake up alone. And still on the left side of the bed. I can't bear to move to the middle. Sometimes the movie ending is not the way things turn out.</div>
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Sometimes you say things you can't take back. These are the wounds that never heal. Allowing for no second chances without the faint echo of it in the back of your minds. That is not good for anyone involved.</div>
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Love turned to hate. It happens.</div>
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My clever 'cat lady' posts are a cover for the real fear that I will never find anyone again. But I guess I have felt like that before, nothing new.</div>
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Who knows what's around the corner? I might actually have a first kiss again. Or God willing I will learn to be happy with my own company. Until then I will keep my mind on my kids, my job, and my friends. I am blessed with so much. </div>
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As always, thanks for listening and God bless!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-45168355951488365422014-08-08T15:44:00.001-07:002014-08-08T15:44:36.150-07:00BullyWell, those of you who know me, know that I have had one screwed up day.<br />
I have seen the news stories about cyberbullying. I thought that it was cruel children. How was I to know that everyone is susceptible to this cruelty. Myself included.<br />
I posted on a local discussion group on facebook the other day. Basically saying that I am tired of heroin headlines and Richmond needs to get off its ass, and offer a legitimate rehab center to help addicts get help and out of the cycle. BIG MISTAKE! I woke up to my friends sending me screenshots of this gem.....<br />
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Alrighty then.....<br />
The news article I shared has this thing's niece in it. Yes, I know the girl, all I did was try to constructively bring people's attention to an existing problem. I have been drug through the mud all day long. Outrageous lies! As in I was the one who drowned Allison and that I smoke crack on the regular. I know it's completely ridiculous, but this bothers me A LOT! What gives anyone who doesn't even know me the right to torture me like this?!<br />
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I have nothing to hide, which is obvious by this blog. I have shared the good, the bad, and the REALLY ugly with you. Because I believe in taking responsibility for yourself. This is the first step to recovery, and one you CAN'T skip. I shared a newspaper article, this is my sin.<br />
I have done things, SHAMEFUL things, which are all a matter of public record. Why am I so hurt about a stranger and a bunch of obviously crazy people talking about me?<br />
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Because I am a human, and no one likes being hated or judged by strangers. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted it, but I am dealing in facts here. I just want people to get the help they need. It wasn't there for me, and it's a blue-eyed miracle that I was able to overcome.<br />
You know the worst of me, and God bless you all, you still think I'm a worthy human being! For those who took up for me today, thank you! I am NOT innocent, not by a long shot, but I do right by everyone now. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-80508928030601856572014-07-21T19:08:00.000-07:002014-07-21T19:08:03.847-07:00I Am NOT In a Lifetime Movie!This is not going to be my most popular post. In fact, some of you may be questioning my sanity by the end of it. But this is my road to travel, and only I know the truth that lies in my heart.<br />
I am not going to go into the full story, my true friends know it. There is some dirty laundry that not even I will air. But my boyfriend and I split up 3 months ago, just shy of our 2 year anniversary. It was UGLY. A lot of hurt involved. Some things happened that most people would consider unforgivable. I would have said the same thing if any of my friends were in the same situation. Things always look different when you are actually living them, though.<br />
After the 'incident' he went straight to Centerstone and went into counselling. He has stuck with it the whole time and seems to be improving.<br />
So, I am letting him...VERY SLOWLY....back into my life. There are some people that you know are worth fighting for.<br />
I used to be one of those people. I was a lying, thieving junkie. I woke up at 6 AM and immediately started chugging vodka. You know what helped me? People reminding me that I am worth something. And never, ever giving up on me. If you had given up on me, I can almost guarantee I would be dead or back in prison by now.<br />
So I am going to show the same kindness that I have been shown countless times. The greatest kindness there is. The benefit of the doubt. If it works out, I am thrilled! If not, I have proven to myself that I can stand alone and I will not hesitate to do so.<br />
But the truth at the end of the day is this: I am in love with my best friend of 20 years. Through all of this, that has not changed. I have not even looked crossways at another guy since the split. Never even crossed my mind. I want to help him get back to the good man I know he is, without sacrificing my soul in the process. And you know what? I think it's possible.<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-41526585231803440482014-07-01T18:10:00.000-07:002014-07-01T18:10:07.353-07:00IV-DI am kind of freaked out by my day today.<br />
Most of it was excellent. Went shopping with the kids, had some laughs, a good afternoon! It was the beginning of the day that was the problem.<br />
I went to court today. No, I didn't do anything. In fact, I think that today was the first time I ever walked into the courthouse without the nagging fear that I wouldn't walk back out again. As most of you know, I am going through a divorce right now. Today was the day that we decided on child support.<br />
I have gotten a lot of flack about this.I am doing well and he has no job and a baby to take care of! Why am I being greedy when I am doing just fine financially?<br />
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Yes. This angers me.<br />
Full disclosure: My son gets SSI for his autism. I get child support for my daughter. Plus I work my ass off 40 hours a week. I give everything I have to make sure the kids have an amazing childhood. When I reflect upon my own childhood, I only remember pain and loneliness. Not a lot of bright spots. So I am literally obsessed with making sure that my kids don't have similar memories or feelings as an adult.<br />
So we go out to eat and talk to each other. I put them in nice, name-brand clothing because I remember being teased mercilessly because my mom got me garage sale rejects, not Nikes. I do all these little things, trying to carefully shape their memories into happy ones.<br />
But at the end of the day, none of this matters. Child support comes up in divorces. It's unavoidable. And we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. I am not trying to hurt anyone. But I work my tail off and God damn it my kids and I deserve a higher standard of living. You cannot just make a child and then walk away. It's unconscionable.<br />
I just hope that when the dust settles, we are all better people because of this. I was married to this guy for a decade. I wish him all the luck in the world and to find the peace that I know.<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-4686617227073948292014-06-19T17:56:00.000-07:002014-06-19T17:56:08.065-07:00The Cruelty of a ChildThis is going to be a random post, but I have been thinking about an incident from my childhood and wanted to share a story with you.<br />
When I was a little girl, I had a friend. For the purpose of this blog, we will call her 'Sue.' I had a good time playing with Sue. She was a very tough and funny girl who made me feel brave. Then one night my mom found out that I had been spending a lot of time with this little girl. She sat me down and said, 'I don't want you to play with this girl. Her family is nothing but trash.' I was upset because I didn't understand, but agreed because my mom said so.<br />
Of course, at school the next morning, Sue came running up to me with a big smile on her face. I felt awful for a minute, then remembered my mom, and how angry she could get if I disobeyed her. I stuck my nose up in the air and said, 'My mom says that I'm not allowed to play with you anymore because your family is trash!' Never once thinking about how it would make her feel. Please remember that I was only about 9.<br />
Later that evening my phone rang. My mom answered it and I watched her face turn redder and redder as she apologized profusely for me 'lying and hurting someone's feelings so badly!' Apparently Sue had gone home in tears to her mother asking why they had to be trash because she missed her friend. Mom lied to save face.<br />
That night, I got the beating of a lifetime. For parroting my mother's ignorant prejudices. And I might have given a sweet little girl an emotional scar that she carries to this day. I am still friends with her as an adult. If you read this and recognize yourself, I am truly sorry. I promise you that your face when I said that haunts me to this very day.<br />
Be careful of what you teach your children. Kindness and empathy is ALWAYS the best route.<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-86453372405683057442014-06-11T17:04:00.001-07:002014-06-11T17:04:12.417-07:00Flying apartHow am I doing? Well, that's a tricky question.<br />
I am going to work everyday, as always. I take my shower, put my hair up, and make sure that my 'happy' mask is firmly in place. I jump on the bus, clock in, act a fool, crack jokes, and carry trays all day.<br />
I get home at night. Clean the house, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, act a fool, crack jokes, make sure they are bathed and tucked in.<br />
The internal monologue is a completely different story.<br />
I think I have a problem. Like a serious depression-going-on-meds-likely-but-shock-therapy-a-rational-solution thing. I spend everyday obsessing about every little detail of my life. The mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and doubting every decision that I have ever made.<br />
It gets even worse when the kids go to bed. I never let my guard down around them but when they are safe and dreaming, I completely fall apart. I alternate between tears, rage, melancholy, and internal deadness. I feel every emotion in the negative spectrum, but nothing good ever comes in. My time alone has not been a productive time of self-awareness, it has been a horrible time of doubting everything I ever thought true about myself.<br />
Am I the person you all think I am? An inspirational success story? No. I'm a mess with the same baggage as every one else. Just eloquent about expressing it, I am told. And born without a filter.<br />
I have no idea where to go from here. Life goes on, and so will I. It's an adventure, grieving without the benefit of drugs or blackout-drinking. I will continue to work, pay my bills, take care of my babies, and try to hold on to a smidge of hope.<br />
Because at the end of the day that is all it takes. A smidge. If you can hold on to that, I believe that you can always find the way back to the light. I'll find my way back to happy, even if I'm running blind and bumping into walls at the moment.<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-79419477248356886352014-06-04T18:52:00.001-07:002014-06-04T18:52:46.814-07:00No Great Shock....I have hit the point where I am going from mania to depression over this whole damn sad situation.<br />
You start this process with a righteous indignation. You are the fiercest damn creature on this planet. You need NO ONE! How dare someone try to tell you how to live?!<br />
Then the reality sets in. After the long nights when you still sleep on the left side of the bed. In the morning when you wake up and you don't have the dead weight of someone's arm on you and you have to do the delicate ballet of escaping without disturbing your partner. When something crazy happens at work and you reach for your phone to text him about it and realize that you can't. About a million different little things.<br />
I am grieving right now. And I think that's OK.<br />
I also have a real problem with giving up on anyone, given MY history. Where would I be today if you had all given up on me? What exactly is unfixable? Heroin addiction? Anger issues? Alcoholism?<br />
I keep my best friend in my heart, and love him. Because I know who he is. The 'before.' I also once had a 'before.' And a few people kept a cautious distance, and gave me an opportunity to get the help that I needed and earn their trust again. If anyone is taking steps to address their issues, who am I to tell them that they can't do it?<br />
I want the best for the ones that I love, and this is no exception. I do not hate, I do not resent, I have only the purest hope that everyone becomes a better person. Including me.<br />
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-7895747223278051752014-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:002014-06-01T14:36:02.653-07:00ToxicWhat I am pondering today: When does a relationship become toxic? When is it broken beyond repair? And why is it impossible to see before it's too late?<br />
I have been in this very relationship. Let me make something clear before I go further....<br />
I am a pain in the ass. No, seriously. I am not the easiest person to deal with at times.<br />
When you meet someone who is SO much like you, it is easy to butt heads. When you put 2 stubborn people together 9 times out of 10 you are going to find a brick wall in the middle. And people like that will break it down however they know how. Usually not in a healthy way. Things get out of control.<br />
I really need to learn to stop lashing out if I feel scared or angry. My mouth can turn a normal argument into a life-changing argument. I know just what to say to cut deeply, and I don't hesitate for a moment if I am angry enough. I am incapable of letting someone walk away until I have the last word. This has been my downfall more than one time.<br />
Is everything that has happened my fault? NO! Absolutely not. Am I blameless? That is a big 'NO' as well.<br />
When things get out of control, it is usually the fault of both. Before I go any further, I would like to come clean as an imperfect human. There are 2 sides to every story, even this one.<br />
Let's just say that I'm a work in progress, and I would like to explore where this character defect comes from. Though the bridge is probably burnt this time, I would like to make sure it doesn't happen again. Though this isn't the first time one of my relationships has devolved like this, I would like to make sure that it's the last.<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-30643586017329236792014-05-31T19:11:00.000-07:002014-05-31T19:11:12.326-07:00RebootI know I said that I use this blog as a crutch. I thought this was a bad thing. But I am realizing that sometimes you just can't walk on your own. Sometimes you NEED a crutch. So here I am.<br />
In so many ways life has gotten so much better. I have my children back, I have good friends who love me, and a great job that I love. But no one is perfect, no matter how hard we try to portray ourselves as such. I am still clean, no worries there.<br />
I am currently ending a relationship that I swore would be forever. Yeah, I know you guys have heard that before, but this time I really thought it would be. I fell in love with my best friend of 20 years and was supposed to have my 'When Harry Met Sally' happily ever after, but life doesn't always work out like the movies.<br />
It is hard to place blame when you are partially to blame as well. I am a mouthy kind of person. I have very strong opinions about how I want to live my life and won't take any crap. There is a line that must be drawn at some point. I will not go into too many specifics at this point, but my friends already know.<br />
My question is this: How do you let go of the life and future you have built in your mind? How do you just shut off your feelings? Even when you know it's the right thing to do? And how do you move on when you have no idea where you are going?<br />
So many questions swirling around in my already tangled mind. I am going to try to work them out a little here. I credit my blog and my readers for keeping me on track. Perhaps it will work for me again?<br />
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-29771462115052947032012-08-07T19:51:00.000-07:002012-08-07T19:51:16.833-07:00End Of The RoadI started this blog a few years ago when I was freshly sober and not as confident about staying that way. I thought I would just start this little diary and no one would ever read it. Little did I know at the time that this little website would save my life more than once.<br />
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You guys have seen me through heroin addiction, rampant alcoholism, a string of terrible relationships, as well as a few bright moments sprinkled in along the way. <br />
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I have grown so much through your support and love. While rereading my blog recently I realized that I used it not only as a tool, but as a crutch as well. When life got a little too overwhelming I tended to retreat to cyberspace and just live virtually. Since I got out of prison, I have sensed a change in myself. I no longer spend hours on Facebook everyday out of loneliness. Somewhere along the way, I stopped worrying so much about perception and became totally OK with who Jamie is.<br />
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As most of you who know me irl are already aware of, a strange thing happened recently....<br />
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I had that minor flipout after getting released, but then I relaxed and flat out stopped worrying. I wasn't looking to be with anyone, then out of nowhere I fell in love with Shawn, one of my best friends of 16 years. We are engaged and super-happy, but guess what?<br />
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I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!!!!!! This is my happiness and I have no desire to dissect and overanalyze it. I want to stop typing about life, and actually live it. I'm not afraid anymore.<br />
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I want to thank you guys once again for keeping me in good shape. You know where to find me kittykats, both my twitter world & my Facebook world. I'm not going to be OK, I'm going to be GREAT!<br />
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One last time.....<br />
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AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND GOD BLESS!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-12598286010864335172012-05-26T12:36:00.001-07:002012-05-26T12:36:50.292-07:00ParalysisIt's been two weeks since I got out. I thought by now that I would be fine.<br />
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I'm totally not.<br />
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I used to laugh at people who would talk about being "institutionalized." I figured that since I didn't even do a year that I would adjust. I would be happy being free.<br />
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After a while you really get used to not making your own decisions. I was told what to eat, when to sleep, where to go, and how to act for a year. Now that I'm free I have found I can't make up my mind about the tiniest thing. My roommates will ask me where I want to go for dinner and I just freeze up. I have never in my life had a problem expressing myself.<br />
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I am also having issues with actual human contact. I never answer my phone because the idea of having a conversation panics me. I'm OK when it comes to texting and chatting online but real interaction terrifies me. I have gone out a couple of times, but find myself unable to really have any fun.<br />
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When you live with the possibility of punishment for as long as I did, it can change a person. I'm trying to work through it as best as I can. I look forward to the day when I can stop being so damn jumpy and really live again. Thanks, Indiana Department of Corrections, for "rehabilitating" me.<br />
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Sorry this is so bitter, but needed to get these thoughts out before they poisoned me any further. I hope to be in a better headspace next time I post. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-76651393504811005732012-05-17T10:14:00.000-07:002012-05-17T10:14:45.855-07:00SentencingNow that we have the whole Chris saga out of my system, it's time to get down to it and talk about prison. As always, we are going for 100% honesty, even though it sucks for me sometime. You have to take every step on your road right?<br />
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Before I was sentenced last July I was a hot mess. Guess how I handled it? I started drinking again. A lot. I was panicked. I can be a bit of a control freak and I was getting ready to hand over my life and hope that everything worked out for the best. I have never done well with leaps of faith.<br />
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July 15th dawned bright and sunny. I woke up, was with Chris one last time and put my son on the bus to summer school. For my last meal we went to Cracker Barrel and I attempted to eat a country fried steak. I was so freaked out that I could barely chew. We didn't say much to each other. I think that I knew deep down that this was the end though I was in denial about it for a long time.<br />
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I had to be at court at 11:30, so naturally at 10:00 I decided to drink. I made the excuses, "I'm going to prison anyway, screw it!" As you can imagine, by the time I made it to the courthouse I was lit. I kissed Chris goodbye and walked in to face my fate.<br />
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It was kind of a blur. I sat there shaking as the judge read all of the sentencing details to me and then I was DOC property. I was handcuffed and led across the street to the county jail. Oddly enough the guard who escorted me was someone that I knew from high school. He said, "Your drunk aren't you?" I rolled my eyes and replied, "Well, obviously!"<br />
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So I spent my first 5 hours of incarceration shivering on a concrete bench and sobering up. I'm lucky that I didn't get a PI charge on top of everything else. I think that the guard figured that I was going through enough. I thank him for that here because he has been one of my longtime readers. I appreciate you letting that slide dude.<br />
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Once I was stone cold I was taken to the shower room, made to use this nasty delousing shampoo and dressed in a green jumpsuit. They handed me a 3 inch long toothbrush, a tiny bar of soap, toothpaste and scratchy towels and bedding. It was all packed in my tote and I was marched back to pod A-3 which was to be my home until I was transported to prison.<br />
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I walked in, ignored everyone and collapsed on my metal bunk. All I could think was, "Well, at least I don't have to dread this anymore. Only 314 days to go."<br />
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As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-69490471268377637922012-05-15T14:51:00.003-07:002012-05-15T14:51:57.897-07:00OK let's get it outta my system!I guess I'll never get past this if I don't just let it all out, and isn't that why I do this? So strap yourself in guys, I'm getting it off my chest and getting it over with. The Chris situation in full.<br />
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As you know, before I was locked up Chris had pledged his undying love for me. His sweet words were peppered with words like "soulmate" and "I'll wait." I believed it with everything that was in me. I had to.<br />
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In hindsight, maybe I should have reread this blog. It was obvious on paper that something was seriously not right. Now when I look back I cringe more than a little.<br />
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Things were OK when I was in county, kinda. He would come and bring me a phone card every week so we could talk. The one thing he couldn't figure out was the visits. Twice he didn't even show up. I would try to get myself all cute (at least as cute as you can get in county jail) and eagerly await his arrival. Time would pass and...nothing. They would call visitation over and I would just crawl in my bunk and sob. He finally made it the last week I was there before I went to Rockville. I was so happy to see him and he seemed to feel likewise. I told him through the glass that we looked like we were in a Lifetime movie.<br />
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The time came and I went to Rockville for the intake and classification. In case you don't know, it's WAY far away, and I'm not allowed visitors there. I was still able to speak to him on the phone. He was holding it down and reassured me that everything was still fine and he loved me. I held onto this, because (as I will blog about later) the intake process is flat out terrifying. He never sent a card or letter, which made me sad. I justified it by remembering that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to bookish type things. I would lay there night after night repeating to myself, "Hang on, Crispy loves you" like a mantra.<br />
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I was classified as minimum security and shipped out to Madison Correctional Unit in Madison, IN. Now I was starting to get excited as I would finally be able to see him. He had cashed out a 401K that he had through work and was looking for a more reliable vehicle to make the trip. I can't even tell you how hopeful I was at this point. We had made it through the first 3 months! Then disaster....<br />
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Anyone who has ever done any amount of time can tell you that it isn't possible to really get through prison with no money whatsoever. You have to buy toiletries if you don't want to use the state stuff. The state stuff is OK if you want lizard-dry skin and to have your hair fall out. So I mentioned to Chris that I hated to ask, but I really needed him to put $20 or so on my books. He said no problem, he'd get right on it.<br />
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A week passed and when I checked there was no balance in my account. I asked him about it and he said that he had forgotten. I was like, "OK, he has a lot going on" and he promised he would do it the next day. Another week passed and still nothing. It was getting serious as I had run out of everything and was having to borrow shampoo and stuff. One thing you never want to do in prison is to be beholden to anyone. So once again I called him and asked what was going on.<br />
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This time he told me that he had a bill to pay. Of course I was pissed. You lose all control of everything when you're in prison, and it flat out sucks having to rely on people outside! This time I got kind of snappy with him. I said, "I haven't asked you for anything for months, why don't you just take $20 out of the car money?!" He must not have liked that because he hung up on me.<br />
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I accepted this and decided to give him time to calm down. I called him on the next scheduled day. No answer. I didn't really worry about it too much. I just assumed that he had to work late. So I tried again 3 days later. Still no answer. At this point I'm beginning to panic.<br />
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To make a long story short he just vanished and refused to accept any phone calls from me. The next thing I know, someone wrote to me and told me that he was listed on Facebook as engaged to someone else. He never even had the balls to break up with me.<br />
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I can't even describe how dark those days were for me. I would start crying hysterically at all hours. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes all I could see were his eyes, his smile. I literally obsessed over it. I was a wreck. I have my moments when I still am.<br />
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Another shitty thing about it is when I went to prison, of course I left everything that I owned in the house with him. Furniture, clothes, computer, heirlooms from my late mother, everything! Well he decided to just move out and leave it all behind. He could have called my friends and told them to come get my stuff, they totally would have.<br />
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This was a character defect that I always noticed about him. He would rather do nothing than be in a potentially awkward situation. I call that cowardice.<br />
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Flash forward to when I was in work release. I was able to get online from time to time. At this point I had no idea that all my stuff was gone. I asked him how I could get it all and he informed me that all he bothered to get out was my family pictures and my computer. I was furious as my most prized possesion was a sapphire ring that my mother left to me when she died and he knew it. He left it behind like it was a piece of crap out of a gumball machine.<br />
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Well I got out yesterday and as much as I didn't want to, I called him at work to try to arrange a time when I could get the tiny bit of stuff he didn't abandon. I was very courteous. I just said, "Is there a time when I could get my pictures and computer?" That's all I said. He hung up on me. Then I heard that he left work in a fury and was screaming about taking a restraining order out on me. I mean REALLY?! Just for asking about my stuff? Honey, your ass isn't worth stalking, trust and believe that. Your new fiance can have you, and good luck to her!<br />
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So in short, I have no possesions, my heart got broken, but screw it! Remember how we were talking about hindsight? I am starting to remember more of the bad times rather than the good ones. Plus all of my friends informed me that they never really liked him or the way he treated me. They say that he is not intelligent enough to keep up with me and that the way he was controlling me really disturbed them. I wondered why no one said anything before, then I realized that I would have just gotten angry with them and ignored it anyway. <br />
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So I'm single again, and I'm OK with that. I'm a kick ass chick and I am happy with the company of myself and my friends. I don't need a man to define who I am, and I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. If I meet a guy who can appreciate me, awesome! But I'm not gonna kill myself looking for him anymore. This time he has to find ME!<br />
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As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-23793448971132119492012-05-14T17:03:00.000-07:002012-05-14T17:11:33.161-07:00Lucy, I'm HOME!!!!!!Well kittykats! It's been the longest 10 months of my life, but the nightmare is finally over!
It seems so far away even now, as I sit in my friend's apartment listening to him mix some sick dub-step. Everything is the same here in Richmond. Same people, same places, same vibe. There is one major thing that has changed through this.<br />
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Me.<br />
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In some aspects it's for the better, but sadly a lot of things have changed for the worse. Prison does many things to your psyche. I'm going to try to explore all of this in upcoming posts. So to start I want to give my incarceration version of an Oscar speech.....
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First of all to my mom and stepdad. If it wasn't for them I never would have made it, seriously. Constant letters, emotional and financial support. Anyone who says that you can do serious time without money is utterly full of crap. When I was in prison and had no internet access, I would send my mom status updates by snail mail and she would post them for me. Then she printed out my page and sent it to me so I knew what people were saying. I can't even tell you how much this helped me to hold on when my relationship with Chris was falling apart. I love you mom and dad!!!!<br />
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Next would be my faithful pen pal Jon Bottorff. He has done time before and understands how desperately lonely that it can get. I could count on getting a letter from him every single Friday, and it was a highlight to an otherwise shitty week. I hope someday that I can repay him for his kindness. He has been a friend since my punk rock teenage days, and he is a friend for life.
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A thank you to Patrick who not only wrote every week, but helped with some necessary items when I got to work release. I'm sorry that I had to leave Indy before we got to spend more time together!<br />
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As screwed up as the majority of women were that I met while I was down, there were several that my life is better for having known. There are too many to list, but you know who you are!
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Shawn and Ashley: I love you guys so very, very much! You have always had my back. When I returned after years of stupid drug abuse, you welcomed me back with open arms and never once questioned or judged me. You have given me a home and a stable base to start rebuilding my life on. I will never forget this and I will owe you forever.
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To everyone else, I know that I was in your thoughts, and I thank you for all the good energy you sent.
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I will soon get into all the dirt and give you an up close account of what prison is like. But next I will address what happened to what was once the center of my life, Chris. It is ugly and heartbreaking, but the healing process helped me to become stronger and more determined. Can't say I'll be nice though....
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As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-90240768064001371912012-03-27T09:31:00.002-07:002012-03-27T10:10:02.024-07:00Goodbye Richmond?I had a little bit of bad news the other night. I was hoping to parole to BP's grandparents when I get out in 47 days. It turns out that that isn't going to happen, so I have no where to go in Richmond.<br /><br />When they said no, I just wanted to die. I have prided myself on being strong through this whole ordeal, but I broke down and sobbed right there in the day room in front of everyone. What was I going to do? As much support as I get from my online community, it's not like I would ask if I could move in with you! Then I dried my eyes and straightened my spine and started thinking about what this could mean for me....<br /><br />I think I'm going to stay here in Indianapolis.<br /><br />I have a really good job here. Granted I could transfer to the O'Charley's in Richmond, but the money wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is here. There are a lot more resources here that would help me get back on my feet. When Crispy left me he left me with nothing, so I'm at square one. I am planning on looking in the Irvington area since it's fairly close to where I work.<br /><br />The only bad part is that it's going to take me a little longer to get the kids back with me. I gave legal guardianship to their great-grandparents while I was gone. With Brayden being on SSI we had to do it like that since I couldn't be his payee while I was locked up. The grandparents are ready for me to take over, but we have to do it the legal way. So I have to spend x amount of parenting time with them before I regain custody. No problem there. I'll get a clunker that will survive the trip.<br /><br />I hate that it's going to be a little longer until we are reunited permanently, but I think this is in the kids' best interests. It will be hard in the short term, but in the long run, I think we'll be fine.<br /><br />I will miss Richmond. It's been home for me most of my adult life and I am used to it. But with the drugs and violence that have the city on it's knees, I think it's time to go.<br /><br />It is like when I got fired from my job. I was so upset at the time, but in hindsight it's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's what I needed to force me to be courageous and make a positive change in my life. Now I have a job that I love. I'm really hoping that fate is pulling the same trick in regards to my living situation. Stay tuned.<br /><br />If any of my readers can offer suggestions about housing, cheap furniture, vehicles etc please message me or DM me.<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-44628257758688370532012-03-20T10:39:00.002-07:002012-03-20T11:00:49.919-07:00Getting OutWell guys, I just haven't had the time to blog about the whole prison experience, but believe me when I tell you it has been an trip. I am planning on catching up on everything when I get out.<br /><br />For now, I am trying to prepare for my release. I have 54 days left. Seeing as I started with well over 300 days, it seems like it's right around the corner. How do I feel about it?<br /><br />I'm scared shitless.<br /><br />Everything pretty much went away while I was gone. As most of you know, Crispy dumped me. He left the house we shared along with all of my posessions. The story is that the house was broken into when he wasn't there and they took everything. I have a hard time believing it. I'm thinking he just walked away. He moved on immediately. It hurts pretty bad that he was able to forget me that easily, because I'm having a hard time forgetting him.<br /><br />At the same time, after rereading some of my blog posts, I can see that he was pretty awful to me. That's an advantage to blogging. You can reread things with a bit more clarity after some time has passed. Sometimes what you discover about yourself is painful and cringe-inducing, but as long as you are honest while writing you can learn something.<br /><br />So once I get out, I have no earthly idea where I'm going to go. I am for all intensive purposes homeless. My family is all gone aside from my birth mother. She would do anything in the world for me, but she lives all the way in Minnesota and I obviously can't go there. I don't have any friends that I am close enough with that I can ask to parole to them. So as of now, I am clueless.<br /><br />I have to find somewhere to stay, then immediately work on getting my own place so I can get the kids settled again. They are in guardianship with BP's grandparents right now, and I'm so glad. They have had a stable loving household while I have been gone. But it's time to come back to mommy! I just have to make sure everything is set up for them. Between me going away and their father popping back in their life and then ditching them to run off with an 18 year old, I think they have had enough trauma in their life. I want them to feel secure, because they sure haven't for the last year. When I think of everything they have gone through, I just want to die. They have handled it all like champs, but who knows the long term damage?<br /><br />I'm hoping the job thing will work out in my favor. I am working at O' Charley's here in Indy and am hopeful that I can transfer to the Richmond store upon my release.<br /><br />So for now, I will continue to grow my ulcers and be hopeful that me making the right decisions will pay off in spades! As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-81289362300855924752012-01-11T07:40:00.000-08:002012-01-11T08:03:28.117-08:00A Quick Hello To My Kittykats!Well since I last left you guys, I have been in 4 different correctional facilities, lost the love of my life, attempted to reconcile with BP & failed, and basically lived a lifetime in six short months. But you know what.....<br /><br />I'M STILL HERE!<br /><br />It's going to take me a while to process everything that has happened as I am sure you can understand dear readers. I will hit the major points briefly though.<br /><br />I am still clean from heroin. It's been 2 years 2 months now and I'm quite proud! It's not easy here in Indy. It seems like there is a dope boy on every corner. Even with all the stress and pressure on me I am hanging in there.<br /><br />I am in counseling and hitting 12 step meetings regularly. I discovered that a lot of my issues stem from being so codependant. So I am working to address that. My New Year's resolution is to learn to love myself and not depend on others for my self worth. I have tied my self esteem to men for FAR too long.<br /><br />I am in work release in Indianapolis. Not too much luck yet due to being a felon, but still hitting the pavement.<br /><br />Chris dumped me. Well, he got mad at me on the phone and just stopped speaking to me after all the time we spent together. I was worried that something had happened to him until someone wrote to me and told me that he had changed his status on Facebook from engaged to me to in a relationship with someone else. So no closure and a shattered heart that I haven't begun to heal.<br /><br />BP the estranged husband is engaged to someone else and not spending any time with our children. I like an idiot thought about giving him another shot before this transpired. Then he vanished and emerged "in love" with someone else. I am sensing a pattern here.<br /><br />My logical mind knows that these men are no good and that I can do better. I just need someone to tell my emotional heart the same.<br /><br />Regardless I am still here. If there is one thing I have learned on this road, it's that I can handle anything life throws at me and be stronger for it. It hurts like hell now and I am scared to death to start over with nothing, but I'm sure I'll make it!<br /><br />Like I said this is a Cliff Notes version of recent events but I will expand on my adventures in incarceration as I have time. Thanks for your continuing love and support! As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-9486762009722141802011-06-23T18:06:00.000-07:002011-06-23T18:54:00.913-07:00The prom from hellWell kittykats, my last few posts have been pretty heavy as I have had a lot going on in my life. As any of you that follow me on twitter and Facebook can attest to, I fancy myself a funny lady. So tonight I will tell an anecdote to cleanse the palate. It is the trifecta of sad, pathetic, AND funny!<br /><br />When I was in high school I was not exactly the coolest person. I was considered weird and didn't have any real friends. So my weekends were spent alone in my room writing and listening to sad bastard music. The boys didn't exactly beat down my door for dates. I pretended like I didn't care. Underneath it all though I was just like every other girl. I wanted to be swept off my feet by a cute boy and get de-virginized in the back of a Chevy, just like a good midwestern girl should be.<br /><br />My Senior year prom came around. I had pretty much given up on any hope of an invite. Then one day the stars aligned and I was asked to go. The only problem was the boy who asked me.<br /><br />I can't remember his name for the life of me. He was an exchange student from Germany who barely spoke a word of English. To top it off his host family was my creepy 6th grade teacher who looked like an Amish serial killer. Anyone from my hometown can confirm that I am NOT exaggerating. Still, he wasn't entirely repulsive, so I was happy that I at least got to go.<br /><br />The preparations begun. My mom was poor from blowing all of her money on stupid shit from Fingerhut catalogs, so my dress budget was meager to say the least. We finally went to the Muncie mall and I was able to find an extremely unflattering dress for the bargain price of $65 (which she bitched about) But still, I was actually going to prom!<br /><br />I grew up in a small town of 2000, so naturally the word about my date spread like wildfire. Soon Mr Germany was getting shit left and right about taking Jamie Head, the horror and shame of it. Must have been devastating for the poor bastard. A week before prom he came up to me during passing period and broke the date.<br /><br />I went home crying and feeling like the worst reject to ever walk the earth. My mom asked me what was wrong, and in between sobs I told her. To my horror she called the host family and laid into them. Long story short they made him take me.<br /><br />Prom night came and I spent the whole day getting ready. I was excited and hoped somehow it would turn out to be a magical evening, as I was a naive 17 year old. He had ordered a cab to pick us up. Since I was from an Indiana backwater, this was more exotic than a limo to me. We rode to Richmond where the prom was to be held in silence.<br /><br />He took me to a pretty decent restaurant here in town called The Olde Richmond Inn. We tried to make conversation, but the dude could barely speak English. He tried to joke with me and I just stared at him blankly. The entire time I was looking at this big black case that was laying by his feet. I had first noticed it in the cab and had no idea what the fuck it was.<br /><br />Our awkward dinner ended and we headed off to the Leland Hotel where the prom was being held. We posed for the obligatory cheesy pictures and headed into the ballroom. I sat with a table of people who I knew and didn't hate as much as the others. Then the moment of truth, Mr Germany slammed his big black case on the table and opened it....<br /><br />Inside was a CAMCORDER! He wanted to tape the prom experience for his weird friends back home. So he ended up taping the entire thing and ignoring me. Not one dance, plus no one else asked either. I just sat at the table wallowing in my own misery.<br /><br />We took the cab back to the after-prom in silence. He tried to be nice when we got out but I told him to fuck off. So that was my prom, no dancing and not even any dirty after-prom sex. What else would I expect from a prom that's theme song was "Take My Breath Away"? So I went home, told my mom it was great, went to my room, crawled out on the roof, and smoked a joint the size of my arm. After a few hits the absurdness of the situation hit me and I laughed so hard I almost fell off the roof.<br /><br />This post is dedicated to all the boys from high school who never asked me out. You probably would have gotten lucky. Now I am hot and you are fat, pathetic, and trading stories of your glory days over Budweisers. So suck on that!<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-40534714234612268062011-06-22T10:15:00.001-07:002011-06-22T10:50:02.003-07:00A very challenging weekThis last week has been one of the most challenging ones I have faced so far. So much emotion that it almost broke me, but it didn't.<br /><br />Crispy and I are still working things out. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride as of late. There are things that both of us need to change, but it's not been easy. We are both stubborn as hell, and this process will take time. We love each other dearly though, and we're both willing to do the work.<br /><br />The worst thing about the last week was losing Will to a heroin overdose. I have written about him on here before using the pseudonym WM. He was a great guy who left behind 4 children, including my goddaughter Kaitlyn, who is only 2.<br /><br />He always had a pretty nasty drinking problem, but was functional. Then heroin came along a few years ago. He started by snorting it until, like so many of us, he graduated to the needle. He and V were in a completely dysfunctional relationship which revolved around heroin rather than their kids or building a life together. When he found out she was cheating on him 5 months ago he packed up and moved to his parents' in Michigan. He was clean the entire time.<br /><br />He arrived back in Richmond on Thursday night. By Friday morning he was dead.<br /><br />I've been a mess about this all week because it could have easily been me. I can't believe I will never see him again. My grief is mixed with a good amount of anger though. It was completely selfish of him to choose getting a buzz over being responsible. Now his children have no father.<br /><br />There are rumors floating around Richmond that it is being investigated as a possible homicide. When Will died he was at an old friend of mine's apartment. This friend got home from working 3rd shift and found him. I can't be sure, but I think he got Will the heroin the night before. When the police and paramedics arrived, the scene had been cleaned up. They call it suspicious but I just think the friend panicked and tried to get rid of any and all paraphernalia that was laying around.<br /><br />What do you guys think? If someone provides drugs for a person and the person ends up dead, should they be held accountable? The person who found Will was one of his best, oldest friends so I think the guilt will be worse than any prison sentence.<br /><br />On a brighter note, yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I saw it clean and sober. It was a nice day, albeit VERY hot. I got lots of birthday wishes from my Facebook friends and Twitter peeps, so that made me feel very loved! Thanks guys! The kids made me stay in my room for an hour so they could give me a party. They hung everything from Christmas tinsel to 8 different colors of streamers on the wall. They also invented games for us to play. My dining room is a WRECK now, but the clean up is worth it. SO much fun! I ended the evening by cuddling in bed with Crispy, eating a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, and watching Reservoir Dogs. In the words of Ice Cube, "I'd have to say it was a good day!"<br /><br />In closing I would like to say Happy Birthday to my big brother William Christopher Head, who passed away in 1998. He was a gruff man's man who loved motorcycles, beer, and red meat. He had more than a passing resemblance to Santa Claus, if Santa liked Harleys. He also had an amazing talent for choppers. He could build a bike using nothing but scrap metal and duct tape. I miss you Chris, and I hope you are proud of your baby sister!<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-9098308339274545662011-06-18T06:02:00.000-07:002011-06-18T06:20:02.167-07:00The Night From Hell-Part 2Well kittykats, I am bit short on sleep as I'm sure you can imagine.<br /><br />I was just starting to get cheered up a bit last night. Thanks for all the outpouring of love by the way, I am overwhelmed! I was listening to bad music at top volume just because I could, then I heard the thud of heavy boots coming up the stairs. Crap, Chris had come back.<br /><br />It wasn't pretty. He was drunk beyond anything I have ever seen. He had gone to the neighbor's house a swilled God knows how much whiskey. I just stared in horror as he bumped into walls in a futile attempt to get into the bed. Of course I asked him what the hell he was doing here and he seemed genuinely confused. He said he lived here. I told him he doesn't anymore.<br /><br />Then came the drunken slurring insults. Gems like, "I never loved you and the kids" and "Your son is a retard." The last one pushed all of my anger from the night over the edge. Brayden is autistic, not retarded and it's NOT his fault! So I went all redneck and punched him. No one talks about my kids like that unless they have a death wish. So I hit him as hard as I could and I think I broke my hand in the process. I am typing this one-handed.<br /><br />He is still asleep about 5 feet away from me right now. I have no idea what is going to happen when he wakes up. He didn't go to work today.<br /><br />This person I have seen in the last few days is NOT Chris! He is a good man and I have no idea what is going on with him. I think talking would help, but it takes two to carry on a conversation. I guess we'll see. Thunder is rolling in the background and the sky is as slate grey as my mood right now.<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-17260543843110531372011-06-17T21:00:00.000-07:002011-06-17T21:45:08.254-07:00Is this ACTUALLY happening?!Well guys, I think we can chalk this up as the 2nd worst time of my life. In this post I am going to share some things that are frankly shameful to fess up to, but you know my rule. 100% honesty.<br /><br />Most of you know I am a bit of a clown on Facebook and twitter. I like making people laugh and brightening days, but from time to time I need to wallow in my misery. Tonight is one of those nights. Suffice it to say that my entire world has crashed around me tonight.<br /><br />When I got sober I kind of thought that everything would be roses after that, but apparently it's not the case. I met the first man I have ever truly loved. We built a nice life together and he was wonderful to me and my kids until recently, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.<br /><br />Chris and I have been having some issues for a little while now. He has been emotionally abusive. Mostly just name calling and such. I have been so scared about going to jail that I haven't spoke up for myself. Who would take care of the kids?<br /><br />Yesterday morning he woke up in a hella bad mood and called me a fucking cunt. I stewed about it all day and decided to say something when he came home from work. Let's just say he is not the best communicator....<br /><br />He refused to apologize and informed me he was done with me. As I lay in his lap a sobbing wreck begging him to stay with me, he unleashed the bombshell.<br /><br />He said that monogamy is totally unnatural and he is "immune to me." He said if I couldn't accept him wanting to sow his wild oats since he was so young that we were done. In short he wanted to sleep with other women. The worst part is that I actually told him he could. <br /><br />Today was bad all day. I kept having these awful images of him with some young cute girl. Kissing her like he kissed me, looking into her eyes and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. Every time it happened I would get a sharp pain in my chest unlike anything I have ever felt before. It feels strange to have your first broken heart at my age.<br /><br />When he got home, he assured me he wouldn't cheat on me and was just angry. I'm not sure if I believed it. My confidence and every thing I had ever believed in had been shaken to the core. But I decided to push those feelings away, and we made love.<br /><br />A couple of hours later I got the news that one of my best friends on earth was dead of a heroin overdose. Needless to say, this was tough news to hear.<br /><br />All I wanted was someone to hold me and listen to my pain and loss. The response was, "I really don't give a fuck!" He seems to have no emotion about his fellow man. I am completely the opposite, I care too much. So I said something that probably was not good. I said, "Just you wait until someone you love dies, like your mom, maybe then you'll understand." I was insane with grief and any logical person would understand that. Not him.<br /><br />He said he was done for real this time (nice that he took advantage me one more time) and was leaving. When he went to go he couldn't find his car keys. So he proceeded to trash the house looking because obviously I took them (I didn't.) The evening's hijinks ended with him throwing glasses and shattering them. Then he spit on me and walked out.<br /><br />So here I am. It's hard not to think that everything I have went through was for nothing. I have not felt this much heartbreak in my life, but my rational self knows I am better off alone. The future frankly terrifies me. I am going to prison and I have no clue what to do. Think I might reread this blog and remind myself how strong I can be.....<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-57975926886615050312011-05-28T15:28:00.000-07:002011-05-28T15:42:06.764-07:00DecisionThis is going to be a quick one, but thought I should update you guys. Chris and I have made up our minds. I am going to sign the plea.<br /><br />There is a tiny chance I could beat this case if I took it to trial, but I am unwilling to take that risk. In 3 years Allison will be almost 10, Brayden will be almost 13, not to mention I can't ask Chris to wait for me for triple the time we have been together. It wouldn't be fair to him.<br /><br />Not sure when I have to go yet, but it might be as soon as Wednesday. Something occurred to me the other day. My lawyer said my plea deadline was extended to June 2nd, but said I had to let him know what I wanted to do by Tuesday (June 1st.) So this has me worrying that my actual plea and sentencing will be in 5 days.<br /><br />I won't lie to you and say I am not scared shitless. I am not built for incarceration. I feel like I was put on this earth to help other people and maybe help them laugh when times get too tough. I am a lover, not a fighter. I talk as if I am tough, but really I feel like a frightened litlle girl. The uncertainty of what is going to happen is killing me.<br /><br />I want to take a moment to welcome my new readers from twitter and favstar. I took a while to share this blog with you guys, but there are two sides to jamieramone. This is my serious one.<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-14355199194615659582011-05-26T11:49:00.000-07:002011-05-26T12:06:20.760-07:00Should I stay or should I goJust got back from court again, and I'm kind of relieved with how it turned out.<br />Nope, not THAT great of news. I still have the charge pending against me. What happened is that they extended my plea deadline until next Tuesday.<br /><br />In a nutshell for you non-criminal readers: They are giving me the opportunity to take the plea bargain that I turned down before. I was offered 20 months, which in Indiana is actually 10 months with credit for good behavior. As long as I don't beat up a guard or shank someone, that shouldn't be a problem. When I am released I will be free and clear from the legal system, no probation. I will also be a felon, but I am unsure I could avoid conviction.<br /><br />If I was to be acquitted, it would hinge on my ex-husband. He would have to testify in open court that I had no idea the guitar was stolen. This is the truth, but I don't think BP would do it for 2 reasons.<br />1-I left him and got with Crispy, I have a feeling he might just be a wee bit upset about that. I know for a fact he resents that my kids call Crispy dad, though he should be thanking him for taking such good care of his kids.<br />2-If he testifies, the charge I am facing would go on him, and with his criminal record he would be facing some hefty jail time. With him getting out in August after serving nearly 2 years, I imagine he is not eager to spend any more time locked up. Plus honesty has never been his strongest trait.<br /><br />So I am thinking about just going ahead and taking the plea. Though I know I am innocent, BP is the only one who can exonerate me. I'm going to have a long talk with Crispy tonight. I want us to make this decision together.<br /><br />Good news is, I bought myself at least another month and a half of freedom. It might sound silly, but I am going to have more time to make more memories. The kids have one more week of school left and then we get them all to ourselves. Also Crispy's sister is getting married June 11th. Crispy is going to be an usher and has to wear a tux. The thought of seeing him dressed up like that makes my heart go pitter-patter.<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921574763312982991.post-8180773401069770792011-05-24T15:05:00.000-07:002011-05-24T15:29:48.999-07:00I can't watch this anymoreI think I would die of shock if I had a normal day. I feel like I'm about to have a stroke.<br />Well the sister/bff V came over today. Her boyfriend had to meet with his parents and she didn't want to sit at home alone with her thoughts. So she showed up here at about noon. I honestly didn't want company, but I find it really hard to turn away a person who is in need of a friend, to the detriment of my mental health.<br />She was wired as hell and talking a mile a minute so it was instantly obvious she was on something. I asked her and she admitted to doing a half of a Suboxone. She offered me the other half, and I'm proud to say that even though I have had a killer headache all day. She was impressed that I could turn it down, I told her if she quit, one day she too could say no. She thinks Suboxone is better than heroin, but it's all the same to me.<br />I had a busy day planned, catching up laundry and putting up our winter clothes for the season. I got everything done, but with her trailing me the entire time. I was annoyed, but her boyfriend was supposed to pick her up within an hour or two. He didn't show up until 4:30, then all hell broke loose....<br />He informed her that he had to leave for rehab in Kentucky the following morning or he was going to lose his kids. This is the only place she has to stay, so I am sure you can imagine her reaction.<br />She began pacing up and down my block yelling. She got her clothes out of his truck and threw them on my porch yelling, "Take these, I don't need them since I am homeless!"<br />I asked her boyfriend to please take her away because the neighbors were staring. Crispy and I are quiet neighborly folks and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.<br />I went to my next door neighbors house to call her mom, because frankly I was scared for her and didn't want to make the same mistake twice. After I explained to her what had transpired I went back home.<br />She had come back and was leaning against my wall sobbing. I told her I didn't want her to hurt herself and she informed me that she had nothing to live for and was going to kill herself. Of course being the sister of someone who committed suicide, I went straight through the roof.<br />I told her that she was a selfish bitch and needed to think of her kids. I pretty much read her down. She started talking about how she was never going to get her girls back if she had nowhere to stay. Hint hint right?<br />I told her that I was sorry about her predicament, but there was nothing I could do to help. Last time we tried to help she was here for all of a day and a half before she had stolen off us. Crispy would never allow it, and frankly neither would I. She started weeping again and her boyfriend pulled back up to the house, she went outside and started melting down again. I told her boyfriend to get her ass in the truck and take her to her parent's house. She refused and just walked down the street freaking out. He kept his truck next to her and the last I saw they were creeping up Sixth street.<br />I have tried everything I can to help. I was given many 2nd chances when I was a mess, so I always use that as an excuse to be everyone's savior. No more.<br />My head is pounding right now and I'm all shaky. I have plenty of stress of my own don't I? I can't watch this anymore. I wish her the best, but this was the last straw.<br />As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2