Friday, June 17, 2011

Is this ACTUALLY happening?!

Well guys, I think we can chalk this up as the 2nd worst time of my life. In this post I am going to share some things that are frankly shameful to fess up to, but you know my rule. 100% honesty.

Most of you know I am a bit of a clown on Facebook and twitter. I like making people laugh and brightening days, but from time to time I need to wallow in my misery. Tonight is one of those nights. Suffice it to say that my entire world has crashed around me tonight.

When I got sober I kind of thought that everything would be roses after that, but apparently it's not the case. I met the first man I have ever truly loved. We built a nice life together and he was wonderful to me and my kids until recently, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.

Chris and I have been having some issues for a little while now. He has been emotionally abusive. Mostly just name calling and such. I have been so scared about going to jail that I haven't spoke up for myself. Who would take care of the kids?

Yesterday morning he woke up in a hella bad mood and called me a fucking cunt. I stewed about it all day and decided to say something when he came home from work. Let's just say he is not the best communicator....

He refused to apologize and informed me he was done with me. As I lay in his lap a sobbing wreck begging him to stay with me, he unleashed the bombshell.

He said that monogamy is totally unnatural and he is "immune to me." He said if I couldn't accept him wanting to sow his wild oats since he was so young that we were done. In short he wanted to sleep with other women. The worst part is that I actually told him he could.

Today was bad all day. I kept having these awful images of him with some young cute girl. Kissing her like he kissed me, looking into her eyes and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. Every time it happened I would get a sharp pain in my chest unlike anything I have ever felt before. It feels strange to have your first broken heart at my age.

When he got home, he assured me he wouldn't cheat on me and was just angry. I'm not sure if I believed it. My confidence and every thing I had ever believed in had been shaken to the core. But I decided to push those feelings away, and we made love.

A couple of hours later I got the news that one of my best friends on earth was dead of a heroin overdose. Needless to say, this was tough news to hear.

All I wanted was someone to hold me and listen to my pain and loss. The response was, "I really don't give a fuck!" He seems to have no emotion about his fellow man. I am completely the opposite, I care too much. So I said something that probably was not good. I said, "Just you wait until someone you love dies, like your mom, maybe then you'll understand." I was insane with grief and any logical person would understand that. Not him.

He said he was done for real this time (nice that he took advantage me one more time) and was leaving. When he went to go he couldn't find his car keys. So he proceeded to trash the house looking because obviously I took them (I didn't.) The evening's hijinks ended with him throwing glasses and shattering them. Then he spit on me and walked out.

So here I am. It's hard not to think that everything I have went through was for nothing. I have not felt this much heartbreak in my life, but my rational self knows I am better off alone. The future frankly terrifies me. I am going to prison and I have no clue what to do. Think I might reread this blog and remind myself how strong I can be.....

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!


  1. yeah sounds like an pretty awful day. almost as bad as close realitve dying, but then again life lets us know when it is time to move on. :)

  2. It sounds very painful. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself -- that's very important.

  3. Jamie, this is all so sad. I am very sorry life is treating you so harshly right now. Your journey includes some tough turns there is no doubt but I think you know it is taking you (albeit screaming and kicking at times) where you just have to go. I know you get this however much you wish it was otherwise. Hold onto yourself, your beautiful self, you're strong, so strong dear girl. You will make it.