Saturday, September 4, 2010

How to save a life

It’s a boring Sunday afternoon. The kids are busy playing and Chris is visiting his folks in Liberty. So I am left alone with my thoughts. There is something that has been weighing on my mind that I thought I would spend a few minutes writing about. Of course it’s the elephant in the room, my drug problem.
I was very honest with Chris about this from the get go. As a matter of a fact I believe I told him about it on our third date. It’s a sad but important chapter of my history and I felt he had a right to know before he got in too deep with me.
I’m coming up to my 1 year anniversary of being heroin-free, and I am proud of that. This is not to say that it ever gets any easier to abstain. I am reminded of a quote by Courtney Love of all people. “Heroin in Seattle falls like apples from the trees.” It’s the same here in Richmond, Indiana. It seems like ever since the economy started to fail and all the factories shuttered their doors the drugs began creeping in.
It’s really a vicious cycle. You have nothing so you use drugs so the nothingness doesn’t bother you so much. Then addiction gets a hold of your spirit and you wind up having less than what you began with. The hopelessness becomes coupled with apathy and your soul begins to die.
I have to be completely honest with you, I was extremely close to relapse just a couple of short months ago. I felt as if I had failed in every way possible as a human being. My life has been a long string of dissappointments and bad choices. Self pity consumed me for most of my waking hours and things that had brought me joy had lost all meaning. I guess you could say that I had a sub-conscious death wish.
Thank God for him, because he has taught me that people can be good to each other and truly care. This is the first time I have every been treated like a human by the opposite sex. Now I count my blessings daily and feel nothing but gratitude.
I am not cured, and I don’t think I ever will be. This is the bad news. The good news is that the cravings have gone from deafening screams to the softest whisper. I make it day by day with the love and support of my family. For now, I would like to think that’s good enough!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

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