Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Letting go for him

Well guys I think we are at the end, I hope not but it sure feels that way.
I had so much hope that this would be it for me, but I think I'm getting ready to be alone again. Things have gotten progressively worse between Chris and I. I blamed it on being at the point where we annoy each other, but maybe I was delusional.
It seems that every morning something is said that pretty much makes me want to stay in bed all day. Things like "I hate you 90% of the time" or the all-time chart topper, "The only reason I stay with you is because I am afraid you will kill yourself if I break up with you."
I really don't get it. We have so much fun together and I am usually 100% confident that he really loves me, but how am I supposed to take statements like that?
Maybe I have been unfair to him. The pressure I have put on him is crushing, but then again he knew what he was signing up for.
So I am offering an option to him when he gets home, the option to walk away. I owe that to him and myself, I have no desire to be with someone who is there out of obligation. We both deserve better!
So as of now I am facing serious jail time, putting my kids in foster care, and losing the one man I have ever truly loved. This is what I got sober for?! Doesn't really seem worth it. If I make it through today in one sober piece it will be a blue-eyed miracle....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Can't have the good without the bad!

This morning is looking a LOT better! Thank you so much for the nice emails yesterday.
Chris and I spent the evening apart last night. He and his friend Bobby had to replace the brakes on our truck so they did the whole beer in the garage thing. I cooked dinner for them and was able to calm down and think.
Sometimes I forget that Chris is so much younger than I am. It usually doesn't make a difference, but in this case it does. I am the longest relationship he has had since high school. He used to average about 3 months per girl. So he is not used to the point in a relationship when you almost hate each other.
So I sat him down and talked about it. I told me we weren't always going to like each other, but love is fighting through the hard times and remembering why you fell in love to start with! So all is well.
I still can make him madder than any other human being, but I also make him laugh harder than anyone else can. I can be neurotic as all hell, but I also would use that to defend him to the death. Point is, we all have our good and bad sides. We are learning to accept the sweet with the sour. I'm not saying we are "fixed" but I think we have made a good start!
He is home sick with an awful headache today, so I am going to baby him today. He is SO worth it! I love you my Crispy!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Trouble in Paradise

Those of you that are my facebook friends know that I am a big joker. Did you ever hear about great comedians writing from a place of pain and insecurity? That is me in a nutshell.
It took me a while to get the guts to write this one. A lot of you said you would love to have a relationship like mine. Well kittykats, all is not well!
I can't put my finger on when it started happening, but things are strange. It is like I can feel a break up hurtling toward me like a freight train.
The closer I get to the date I have to go to prison, the more scared I get. It started out as little snide comments here and there, but it has escalated lately. Now it seems as if I can't go 24 hours without him saying, "I am so done with you" or "I can't wait until May 18th." It doesn't take very long to have these things really get to you. I have put all of my eggs in one basket and I am afraid it was a huge mistake.
The worst part is that after these things happen, he acts as if it never occurred. Maybe men are equipped to not remember cruel remarks but I am not.
Is this just growing pains after being together for a year? Is it both of our fears at what is coming? I have no idea but the thing I need most right now is a sense of security, and I have never felt more alone.
So for now I will continue to crack wise and act like life is beautiful. If things go wrong I have no idea what I will do! Probably just crawl into a gutter and die....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, April 11, 2011

How's it gonna be?

Last night I could not fall asleep, as per usual. I was thinking about the gnarly mess that is my romantic life.
BP gets out in August. We are still legally married, although he has been in prison for nearly two years. I guess this will sound insane and lazy, but I just never got around to it. I haven't felt married for a very long time so it didn't seem like I was. At the beginning of his incarceration I was kind of hedging my bets by not filing. I was new to the dating thing, a very scary thing after ten years!
After my first attempt with Stupid, I felt kind of relieved that I hadn't done it. I figured I at least had BP to fall back on. Even though I was terribly miserable, he was familiar and I am NOT good at being alone. Then along comes Chris....
He is utterly terrified that once BP gets out I am going to go back to him. I can't see that ever happening. Looking through Chris's eyes, I guess if the shoe was on the other foot I would be concerned too. Ten years is a hell of a thing.
What scares me the most is how BP and Chris are going to react to each other. Chris has a wee bit of a temper and he is a big, muscular farmboy. All BP has to do is say one thing wrong and Chris will pounce and destroy him. The worst part is, I will be in jail when this goes down.
I tell Chris we need to all get along. Like it or not BP is Brayden's father and not going anywhere. If anyone has any suggestions on negotiating this minefield, I would welcome it!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A taste of my own medicine

Well I had a painful awakening the other day! I realized how much my attitude might be hurting others.
I have this friend I have known forever, DH. Our parents were bffs, we used to take baths together, all that fun stuff! We grew up together in Hagerstown and we were misfits together. We lost touch for awhile in our early 20s, but reconnected when I ran into him here in Richmond. He was for all intensive purposes homeless, so I lent him our couch whenever he needed it. He drank a bit but beyond that he was pretty in control last time I checked.
We lost touch again when I moved to South Carolina for JK. I hadn't heard anything out of him for about 3 years. Then one night I saw him on Facebook, commenting on a mutual friend's status. I immediately sent a friend request as I wanted to see how he was. This is the response I got from him via fb message....
"I have gotten my life together and I heard through the grapevine that you have a heroin problem. I can't be around that. Good luck!"
At first I was just pissed until it started to sink in....
I have been clean for a year and a half, but how would he know that? Junkies are the best liars on earth, how was he to know I was not shooting up whilst making said friend request? He couldn't!
Of course you know how my mind works, always running in circles! It made me wonder how many of my old friends I have been unjustifiably suspicious of! How many people have I ignored for fear of temptation when they are just as clean as I am? It pains me to realize that I have made countless people unhappy with my judgements!
So what do I do, next time an old "friend" contacts me, do I give them the benefit of the doubt? Or would this be too risky for my sobriety? As usual, no easy answers...
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!