Friday, April 30, 2010

Random here and now

I just got out of bed after swearing I wouldn't! I had the best intentions, but some people live with their finger on the self-destruct button!
Is the computer a demon? Just because I like to write when someone is asleep doesn't mean I am not retarded for him. I don't think that telling my story means I care for him any less! I just don't like staring at the ceiling for hours! I like to be productive, I don't believe in wasting energy.
Maybe last night I might have said some things that would have been better kept inside, but after being told to just spill, I did. I am not too good at censoring myself in real life, there is no delete button in reality! Lord I wish there was! A good thing to keep in mind, if you don't want to deal with the info, DON'T ASK!!! As I always say, I am a retard!
Enough of that, I'm just feeling pissy!
I started my new job yesterday and I LOVE it so far. Me in a bookstore is as natural as peanut butter and chocolate! I think there is true potential there!
I still have plenty of time to write, which is sweet! Dear readers, you keep encouraging me to turn this stupidity into a book, but where do I even begin?! I love all the support I get from you, but I still have doubts about the quality of my writing!
Today is going to be packed full of fun (yep this is me being TOTALLY sarcastic)! I get to go to the jail so the kids can see BP. I'm supposed to go see my friend later tonight, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen as we had a strange night last night. Other than that I am just going to do my domestic goddess thing.
I am stalling, this is true! I have NO idea what I'm going to write about after the story of my past is finished. My present is not NEARLY as interesting and I don't want to let my rabid readers down! I only have 5 more posts at the most and we'll be caught up all the way to today! So I'm gonna put it to you guys, should I continue writing after the past is in the past? Let me know either on here or facebook!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The slippery slope

Back to the past again. We are at the point where I screwed up and got myself strung out.
I had played around with heroin for about three years. I usually just snorted it, as needles scared me to death! I only banged it about 5 times in that entire time.
Once I got out of jail, I was angry and bitter as hell. It felt like everyone had given up on me so I gave up on myself.
BP was giving me a lot of pressure when it came to drug money. He would treat me like crap for days on end. He was constantly berating me for what a useless person I was and if things did not go his way the fists would start flying. I got to the point I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I'd stay in bed staring at the TV without really watching. The shades stayed drawn, I was as averse to sunlight as a vampire. I felt completely dead inside.
Then there were the days BP knew I had money coming in...
Those days he would be sweet as pie. Making me breakfast, offering to watch the kids, and telling me what an amazing woman I was. Of course I knew it was bullshit, but I was SO desperate to believe it. After 8 years I was pretty badly brainwashed. So then my superior logic set in again.
It was just like the drinking, if I was buying damn it I was gonna do it too. BP loved this, because the more I wanted to do it the less I bitched about paying for it. I was always in a great mood when I was high and before long I had figured out it was more cost effective to shoot it up, like he did.
Before long I was banging dope at least once a day. On an average day my husband and I were doing about a gram. Then one day I woke up and it had happened, my arms were tore up all to hell with track marks and I was feeling the most intense craving. I was agitated and shaking, I was dope sick.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Wayne County Hilton

I guess those of you dear readers from elsewhere would have no idea what the title refers to. That's our pet name for the Wayne County jail.
I was marched into a cell block hungover as all hell and wondering what the hell had happened. I honestly didn't remember stealing, but as any drunk will tell you that doesn't necessarily mean it didn't happen!
I've been a south side ride-or-die girl for many years. I wasn't afraid of the inmates when I went to jail, what petrified me was that BP was out there with my kids, my credit cards, and a BAD heroin habit. I was completely powerless. I always was before, but never at this level!
So I tried to keep myself as busy as you can be in county. One of my friends from high school RR was in on a probation violation as was BP's ex-girlfriend BH, so at least I knew a couple of people. I walked 500-600 laps a day around the day room and practiced my yoga. Of course this made the other inmates think I was insane, so no one messed with me. Yoga is not a big pastime among the criminal element of Richmond. I also read a LOT, usually 2 books a day.
The hardest day was 3 days in as it was Thanksgiving. My kids are sadly used to daddy being in jail, but have NEVER been away from me for even a full day. As I sat there pushing around the tofurkey and congealed gravy on my tray I couldn't stop worrying.
We concocted a story that my mom was sick in Hagerstown and I went to take care of her. The kids were just too young to know the truth. I called over at BP's grandma's and was able to talk to the kids. They seemed to be, thank God!
The hours stretched into days, and I settled into a routine as I was sure I wasn't going to make bail. I resigned myself to sitting in there until my court date in February.
On day 11 I was sitting in the day room playing some spades and watching The Daily Show when I heard the 4 sweetest words uttered in county, "Petitt, grab your shit!" I had FINALLY made bail!
Even after only 11 days walking outside, smelling fresh air, and lighting a Camel filter was TOO sweet! Then it was time to head home and see what the damage was.
I'll bet you'll never guess what happened to my credit cards? Gee I wonder?! Plus the kids had school for 6 of the days I was gone. They made it there twice.
It was time to straighten up my act.
I came out with the best intentions, but as you know dear readers, this is oftentimes the path to hell. Starting next post comes the darkest chapter of my addiction history. My love affair with the needle.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Relapse,with a VENGEANCE!

There is somewhere I would so much rather be right now, I was warm and happy! Sometimes I get to writing in my own head and sleep is futile! It has to come out!
As you can imagine the whole BP thing had me scared to death, I didn't handle it very well the last time he was in prison. This time promised to be a MUCH longer stretch and I had NO idea what to do, so I started binge drinking again after a good stretch of keeping myself in check. Don't get me wrong, I had still drank now and again, but as long as I was in a fairly good headspace it wasn't an issue.
Well kittykats, I was in a VERY not good headspace. BP just kind of ignored it as he was too strung out on heroin to pay much attention. I was desperately alone and unravelling emotionally. I had no friends and was isolated by the abuse and the beatings. I was ashamed to let anyone know that a "strong girl" like myself put up with that kind of shit. So I curled up in the bottom of a bottle. Then came a BIG wake up call....
I am so ashamed to even talk about this, but I promised 100% honesty. One night the kids were at their Grandma's, BP was chasing dope, and I was left alone with all my demons. I thought about my kids and how much they did without because of my husband's addiction. I had WAY too much to drink that night!
The details are a bit fuzzy but apparently I was caught shoplifting kid stuff at the mall. I was put in cuffs for the very first time and hauled down to the county jail.
I spent the next 6 hours freezing in the drunk tank and then was changed into a green jumpsuit and taken to a cell block. I was marched in among felons of varying degrees and would remain there for 11 days until I made bail. More on that next time.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

All for some stupid Ecko shirts!

BP got out of jail and I was SO happy and hopeful. The kids and I threw a surprise party for him. We worked so very hard decorating and I even hooked it up with a Star Wars cake for him.
I was pretty nervous about how he would receive me after what I had done, but he never once threw it in my face. He got his job back at a restaurant. We were poor but happy! This lasted all of a month and a half and then the weird behavior started.
In hindsight I should have known exactly what was happening. He began to get EXTREMELY moody. The phone would ring at odd hours and BP would rush into the other room to take the call. He would lock himself in the bathroom for extended periods of time. Then the violence started....
In the mornings BP would wake up in a rage and take it out on whoever was closest, and of course that was me. It didn't matter who was around. I know now it's because he was dope sick and desperate, but that is NO excuse. I got very adept at making up stories about how klutzy I was and could do cover-up makeup like no other. Why did I take it? I have no idea, but this would be a recurring thing until we finally split up last year.
One of BP's sore spots was that we didn't have money for the good things in life. Myself, I've always been happy with having enough as long as I had love and family. I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable.
One day I was walking the kids back from the bus stop after school when BP ran up to me with a wild look in his eyes. I asked him what the hell was wrong and he just went on past me up to the apartment. I was understandably confused, but just walked the kids upstairs.
Next thing you know there is a knock on the door and lo and behold it's RPD. Apparently BP had shoplifted some stupid Ecko shirts from Dillard's. Keep in mind he had been out of prison for all of 2 months so this was a definite parole violation. So me and the kids got to see daddy cuffed and hauled off to jail again.
So my husband traded his family for the sake of fashion. What an asshole! But do you think I left him? Not yet!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Back home again!

Well I stepped off the bus in Dayton with a broken heart and no idea what my next move would be. BP's grandparents picked us up and drove me to my mother in law's apartment. I was going to give BP another shot. Maybe THIS time it would work. You know what they say about the definition of insanity...
I started drinking VERY heavily, it was not unusual for me to drink a half gallon within a day and a half. I was still able to walk and talk which has always struck me as odd. I am a beanpole, 125 pounds soaking wet but I could drink anyone under the table!
I continued this until I went to visit BP at New Castle Correctional Facility. Of course I was half lit. BP looked so sad to see me this down. At first it infuriated me because what right did he have to judge me, as he spent a good chunk of our marriage stoned. At least my drinking never almost got one of our kids killed, unlike his dope use!!
When I got back home I had second thoughts. He seemed sincere about being clean. I was hoping six months in prison would be enough. So I drank the rest of my vodka as fast as I could so it would be gone and waited for the sickness to set in.
I can totally understand why people go to the hospital to detox. It's some of the scariest shit you can imagine! It took me a day and a half before I was even sober. Then the true fun began....
If you've never been drunk sick there's no way you can understand! Let me give you the short list of what happens.
1.) Sweats
2.) Either being freezing or on fire
3.) chest pains
4.) cramps in every muscle you have and some you didn't even know you had
5.) COMPLETE inability to sleep
6.) Auditory hallucinations (I repeatedly heard a Bright Eye's song, at least it wasn't a Britney song I guess)
7.) Finally the one I hated the worst- a complete warping of time, it has never moved so slowly!
I did it though! I detoxed all by my lonesome and still took care of business. Not to brag but that took balls! When BP was released he came home to a sober wife. Now if only HE would have stayed sober himself....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

The whole ugly South Carolina mess

JK had talked a pretty good game over the months previous. I thought he was for real and decided we would move to South Carolina and finally give it a shot. After 16 years I figured it was time.
I should have jumped right back on the Greyhound after we arrived in Charlotte. I tend to miss obvious omens. JK was over an hour late picking us up. He seemed truly happy I was there, and at that moment I was glad to be there.
I had saved up about $3000 to start over again. I spent the first week in a motel while I went house hunting. I met JK's parents and we got along well. I found a cute little house for cheap and started to furnish it. JK was going to move in within the week. Everything seemed fine, but then he just did a 180.
There are alcoholics and then there are ALCOHOLICS! JK was one of the latter. I guess he started to doubt himself and went on a nasty binge. He disappeared for over a week and I had no clue where he would be. His parents and I filed a missing persons report and began to wait.
Well the police found him stumbling around Walmart in Lancaster at 4 AM. He was drunk on mouthwash. I have done some dumb shit, but I was NEVER that desperate!
So I packed us up, left the house and the furniture, and took the last of my money and went back to Richmond.
I may have super low self esteem, but I also know that NO ONE deserves a train wreck like that in their life! I desperately hate being single most of the time and am lonely 90% of the time. I also know that I'm a great girl and someday someone will recognize that! At least I hope so!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, April 26, 2010

It wasn't always bad! The most romantic thing to EVER happen to me!

As I said in a much earlier post, addiction isn't always pain and heartache. Sometimes amazing things happen. So here we go the most amazingly romantic thing that has ever happened to me....
I had been talking to JK again since Brian had been locked up. It started as just phone calls, but quickly evolved into visits. He would drive from South Carolina just to spend a couple days with me. We had never really talked about feelings or love or any of that!
Then one night WM and I were on a bender and I decided to call JK. In my drunken slurring state I confessed that I loved him and had since I was 15. He just said "OK" and we hung up.
I wanted to DIE I was so embarrassed! I thought I had blew it SO bad! Then 14 hours later there was a knock on my door.
JK was standing there with a big smile on his face. He said, "I love you too, wanted to tell you in person!"
He drove all night long from SC just to tell me face to face. Pretty amazing, huh? Too bad a happy ending was not meant to be....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

When I was first a drunk!

I don't think I was an actual alcoholic until 2008. I was mostly a dabbler in every thing. I didn't have a particular poison, I just liked anything that would make the world go away, even if only for a brief moment in time.
This sad story begins with BP getting into some REAL trouble. He'd been locked up quite a few times before, but this was to be a longer stretch.
You see there was a certain stupid heroin addict from Hagerstown that got busted on a possession beef. She was too much of a coward to do her 3 months in county, so she decided to wire up on half of Richmond.
My husband was just one of 54 victims. He got off lighter than most, as he only sold her weed, but still had to go to actual prison for 6 months. So there I was, no sitter, no husband, and I had no idea how I was gonna hang with the kids and responsibilities.
My number one concern was having someone to watch the kids so I could continue working. I met this guy WM through an old flame AM. We got along famously and my kids loved him to death! He needed a place to stay, I needed a sitter. Perfect, huh? At first yes, later not so much....
He was already a dyed in the wool alcoholic. I liked to tie one on sometimes but never had a serious problem. It began innocently enough, I would see him being drunk sick and feel sorry for him. I would buy him a bottle of whiskey. Soon I got to thinking, "Why am I buying this and not drinking some of it." It snuck on me, but before long I had it bad!
As I am totally honest on here if no where else, I am going to list some of the most messed up drunken behavior I have been a party to.
1.) Dropped a 32 inch television on my face not once but TWICE!
2.) Started talking to JK again
3.) Angered WM to the point that he punched a hole through my house, no not my wall, the ENTIRE house, his fist ended up on my back porch!
4.) Had to take a flask to work as I could not make it through a shift without some drinks
5.) Jumped on a Greyhound to South Carolina to be with JK (the whole nasty saga in about 2 more posts)
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

My lord, I have to talk about heroin, huh?

My first experience with heroin was by no means my last. I really wish I could say it was!
I skipped back to just snorting a cap here and there, usually off a baby changing table at O' Charley's. I seemed to make SO much more $ when I was high. I knew just what to say and had MAD energy! So I walked that path. What is it that I always say? I AM A RETARD.
The addiction didn't come until later, but the seed was planted. I hadn't experienced dope sickness but what can I say? I have a very hard time dealing with life with nothing dulling it. I am a GREAT mom, but when they go to bed I have nothing but my own thoughts to deal with. As you can imagine dear readers I have hours of material to over analyze.
Should I be bitter about the pain in my life? I'm trying to look at it as lessons learned, but it doesn't make it any easier during the long sleepless nights I have. I am so pissed off that I am stuck doing this alone, and that my husband can't keep his shit together long enough to be a good father. I have dedicated my life to my kids, why can't he?
I will leave it there for now as I am rattling around in my own brain.
Next post will involve the worst blackout ever. Imagine getting drunk and waking up in South Carolina?! Yep back to JK!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The saga of JK

Well need to talk about this guy as I have never been able to stay away from him!
We first met when he moved here from Jersey my sophomore year. I'll never forget the first time I set eyes on him. He was walking down the halls of HHS with a backpack covered with punk patches and green hair. So begins our completely warped love story, which still isn't quite over.
They say there is one person on earth made for you and God knows we tried, but sometimes love is not enough! We will get into this further in a later post.
Through 2 marriages and 17 years I've never been able to stay away from him. But he is a BAD alcoholic and everytime I gave him a shot he has only hurt me.
So now he is trying to move across the country to try to be with me. I told him to stay put as I have feelings for another. Is this fair, I have no idea?
I can't risk destroying everything I have built with my kids, and I know he will probably just put me through the wringer again, so gonna gather my strength an say NO for once.
High school is not the end of the world and you would think I would know that, but I can't forget waxing the curbs with him and being a skate joey. All the evenings spent skating the bank and telling the cops we weren't criminals, just skaters. All the skinned knees as I tried to keep up.
More on this later when I relocated to South Carolina and got my soul destroyed!
Lyrics..."If you're somewhere out there passed out on the floor, Joey I'm not angry anymore"
As always thanks for listenng and God bless!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What happened to baby #1

Well guys according to the emails, it's time to put this one to bed. Everyone is curious what happened with Hayley. I'm gonna make this brief as it's one of my greatest shames, and that's saying a lot dear readers, as I have a lot to be ashamed of.
The summer Allison had her accident my ex-husband moved to Noblesville, taking my first born with him. I was just so busy with the other two I had no time to argue. Ally and Brayden were in jeopardy!
I had no car at this point as I had killed mine going back and forth to Indy all those months. So therefore I had no way to go see Hayley.
Time passed, and LL starting throwing up roadblocks between me and my girl. LL remarried and Hayley starting looking at her step mom as her mommy.
It's been 5 years now since I have seen Hayley. Although it is so hard I stay away for her sake, she is happy and well adjusted and I have no interest in messing that up. My selfish need to see her CANNOT interrupt with her happiness.
Hopefully someday she will forgive me for this but until that day I will continue to hate myself and miss her.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

"Jamie, meet Mr. Needle, Mr Needle, this is Jamie"

OK so we get to the worst part of my addiction history.
I was living in Ghettowood apartments on the south side of Richmond, and had just gone through the most intense summer of my life. I left out a few things in previous posts for the sake of my narrative.
Three days after the accident the police showed up at my apartment to get BP. Not only had he violated his probation they also had filed child endangerment charges against him. So when Allison was at her worst I was alone.
My head was spinning. BP said he had just walked out of the room to get a towel, but I kinda don't believe it. Odds are he was high and nodded out. I will never know the full truth and maybe I'm better off not knowing.
Allison had recovered really well and BP was finally back home. Then I got the shock of my life.
One day I went to go into the bathroom and caught my husband with a needle stuck in his arm. I was just agape, he had always messed with pills but nothing any harder.
So I decided to make him feel bad. I thought if I forced him to shoot me up himself maybe he would be hurt by the image so bad he wouldn't do it ever again.
Granted I was scared to death.As soon as I saw the bright red blood pull into the syringe and he pushed the plunger I was in love. All my problems went away and the rush was incredible. Thus began my love affair with heroin.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The poison that is self-doubt

Well we're gonna jump back to the here and now yet again.
I've been in kind of a crappy place for the last three weeks or so. I have reached the highest highs and the lowest lows, sometimes within 15 minutes of each other.
So I faceplanted off the wagon. And when I mess up I do it spectacularly! I convinced myself that I could drink as long as I wasn't depressed. Guess how well that worked out for me? Not so much....
Right before this point in time I was FINALLY getting to a place where I liked myself and had some self esteem. Then like the retard that I am I let someone into my head who made me doubt myself.
No one ever said that the rude girl's road would be a straight path. There have been many twists and turns and lots of construction on the way. I swear this road will end up somewhere resembling happiness!
I want to send all the love I have to you dear readers! I am going to pick myself up out of the gutter, dust off my skinned knees and bruised heart, stand tall and continue walking!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Riley, a place of true miracles

Allison was fighting SO hard. I've never seen strength like that before!
They put her on the oscillator and I just sat next to her and prayed. I was not allowed to touch her as it would make the machine shut down if she was jarred.
She was in a drug induced coma and had swollen up to three times her normal size. Her skin was shiny and stretched tighter than I thought was possible.
The days passed and the news kept changing. It began with the nurses preparing me for her to die. She flatlined about 12 times the first few days, but by the grace of God she made it.
Next they said she had had a catastrophic brain injury and would probably stay a vegetable. The MRI showed a good amount of her brain was dead from the oxygen deprivation. But when they weaned her off the sedatives a miracle happened, she woke up and looked around. We took her off the machine and by my birthday on June 21st I was able to hold her very cautiously.
They inserted a g tube as she had forgotten how to swallow. Her throat had been damaged by the ventilator tube going down her throat and when she cried she sounded so raspy but could barely make a sound. They warned me she would be severely disabled mentally. Then another miracle, we did another MRI and there were places in her brain lighting up and new neural connections being made. The unused part of her brain was compensating for the damage.
The day we moved out of the ICU she was crawling around her hospital crib and smiling. We finally got to go back home after her being there for 2 months. She got to have her first birthday at home.
Of course there was a lot of recovery yet to come. I had to feed her through the tube for several months and give her injections of blood thinners twice a day. There were a million appointments for various doctors and therapists. This was also the time when Brayden was at the worst of his autism, and Brian was in jail (more on that next post) so I was unable to work. The kids had to come first and they needed me!
But we all made it through. Today Allison is at the top of her class and the most kind hearted sweet girl you can imagine. She has no memory of the event and tells everyone her g tube scar is her extra belly button. I am SO very lucky!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The single worst time of my life

I've been so dreading making this post for the longest time, but here we are guys! The single worst thing that has EVER happened.
I was still working at O' Charley's. BP and I had worked things out and he was raising Allison as his own which I appreciated a lot but still was the only one with a damn job.
Allison had a hard road from day one. When she was born she had a cyst over her eye that had to be removed. Then once I took her home she couldn't keep down her formula.
It was some of the craziest shit I think I've ever seen. I would give her a bottle and 10 minutes later she would turn into the exorcist. Have you ever seen a newborn projectile vomit 3 feet across the room. I am not exaggerating. I thought maybe she had an allergy so I took her to Reid to be checked out.
Things went pretty quick once they looked at her. Next thing you know we were on our way to Riley because she needed emergency surgery.
She had a congenital defect known as pyloric stenosis. There was a blockage at the bottom of her stomach which made digestion virtually impossible. So this poor thing was all of 3 weeks old and had already had 2 surgeries.
You would think that would be enough, huh? Well let me take a deep breath and tell you what happened when she was 10 months old....
I was waiting tables just like any other night. I was standing by the take out counter keying something into the computer when the phone rang and said the usual "Having a great day at O' Charleys" crap. Well it was Richmond police asking for ME! So I wigged out and said, "She's on break now." They asked that "she" return the call ASAP.
I hung up the phone and thought about it. Maybe I should return the call? Could be important, so I did.
They informed me that my daughter had had an accident and I needed to get to the hospital. I threw my money at BT my manager, jumped into my car, and peeled tight.
I arrived at Reid half having a nervous breakdown and was immediately taken to the security office.
My little girl had apparently drowned. My husband had supposedly left her in the tub for a minute to get a towel. She had slipped out of her tub seat, went under, and was blue and dead when BP found her.
He rushed her to the neighbor's and performed CPR and got her breathing again, but barely.
I was stuck in this office knowing my little girl was fighting for her life and I was being asked a thousand questions by the police and CPS. I had no answers I was at work! They finally let me back to see her after they saw they were about to have to arrest me or admit me to the psych ward otherwise.
She was so small and cold. Her breathing was so ragged it would break your heart. BP was standing over her crying his eyes out and apologizing. Do you really think I wanted to hear it? I literally growled and threw myself over her as I DARED him to even touch her!
They sent the mobile ICU from Riley to get her. She was hanging on by a thread. I drove behind the ambulance at about 100 mph all the way to Indy.
Things moved so fast it was a blur. I became a victim of "monitor fever" You see her lungs were badly damaged by the bathwater, so her oxygen intake was jacked, so I'd sit there staring at the levels dropping. Every time it went below 90% alarms would go off and all hell would break loose. Her lungs kept collapsing so they kept inserting chest tubes. They had her on a ventilator but it wasn't enough. She was dying right in front of me....
We had one last shot, a machine called an oscillator that gave her over a hundred breaths a minute. The doctors said not to hold out hope because 99.5% of cases like hers don't have happy endings.
Gonna leave it there for now as this post is killing me. Tune in tomorrow for how it turned out!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Jenny McCarthy was right...

We're gonna skip back for a minute so I can tell you about the terror of having a child go from normal to disabled within one day.
Brayden was born very healthy and actually hit his milestones early. He walked and talked about a month earlier than is the norm. Regardless of all the crap that was going on in my marriage I have always been a devoted mom.
When he was about 18 months old it was time for him to get his immunizations. We were a bit behind so when I took him to the Wayne County Clinic the nurse decided to give him 5 shots all at once.
Between 1989 and 2002 the drug companies used to use a preservative called thimerisol, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying MERCURY! Yep your children were being injected with that all those years. Every child reacts differently but mine reacted BADLY!
That night Brayden shot up a fever of 105 degrees and had a febrile seizure. I was the only one maintaining a clear head, BP freaked out. So I held him till the seizure passed and made the call to 911. We rushed to Reid and they got his fever under control. That's the night my son changed forever.
He stopped talking and refused to make eye contact. He would refuse to let you touch him. It's like a completely new child invaded my son's body. After doing some research I realized what was wrong. My son was autistic.
The most infuriating thing is that all the doctors and politicians swear there is no link between shots and autism. Well let me tell you, I was there and saw it happen. It is a real thing.
One of the most maddening things is how I have NO recourse for my son. The night before the Patriot Act was passed a rider was slipped in that denied parents the right to sue drug companies over injuries caused by immunizations. So I have been on my own.
It was a very long hard road but Brayden is a tough kid and you can barely tell anything is wrong now. Hours of work but now my beautiful boy is content to be cuddled by me and talks like any other 8 year old! Please take the time to educate yourself about autism!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

When I woke up the first time....

One day I just woke up and said, "That's it" BP had done so much damage and I was OVER it so I gathered up my guts and left him.
I found a cheap efficiency apartment on south 11th street which is about the crappiest neighborhood in Richmond. I had a job I liked at O' Charley's and was ready to start over.
Ya wanna know what the 2nd worst idea is when it comes to meeting guys? #1 is marrying your drug dealer, #2 is hooking up with a guy you meet on the bus. So enters CH to screw things up.
I didn't have a car at this point so I was riding the bus. One day after being single all of a month a guy sat next to me and started chatting me up. He was not even good looking, but he paid attention and it had been a while since that happened. So I started hanging with him.
Everything seemed pretty good for about 5 months. I was into him more than he deserved. Then one Friday I had pulled a double at O' Charleys and didn't have the energy to hang with him. He asked if it was OK if he went to Walker's without me and of course I said OK.
The next day I called him and he informed me he had met his soul mate at the bar and we were done, just like that. It sucked, but it was about to suck SO much worse....
On Monday I went to go to work on a day shift. I got to work and realized I was about a week late. So I decided in my infinite wisdom to go to Target and grab a pregnancy test so I wouldn't worry.
You know what sucks? Getting a positive pregnancy test 3 minutes before you have to clock in!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The worst drug dealer EVER!

Well I guess we are roughly in late 2001. BP and I were living in a crappy apartment on south 6th street. I had a new baby, a strung out husband and little hope anything would get better. Why did I hold on? Because I was punishing myself.
Well BP got the brilliant idea that he was gonna start dealing again to support his habit. Of course I went along with it because I was SO tired of being the sole breadwinner and would take the help however I could get it.
He did OK at first, mostly just sold weed and made a bit of cheddar. Then he started to get Lortabs to come off of. Well he sold them for a minute then just started gobbling them like the world was ending tomorrow. He was psychoticly strung out and then the worst thing ever happened.
I got pregnant again. Only 2 months after having Brayden. I knew it was a girl, already named her and everything. She was to be Jayla.
One night Brian was dope sick and angry and was SO cruel to me. I had no drug money for him so I was just being abused SO hard emotionally!
Well after a million tears I started feeling some cramps. Went to the bathroom and guess what? I lost the baby. And all because he was cruel.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The start of the abuse....

Well I am all knocked up if u remember?
One day I walked into the kitchen and busted BP snorting oxys. Should have known but keep in mind I am a RETARD!!!!
So I took it like the jackass i am.
You wanna know what happened the day my son was born?! He was SO fucked up he couldn't see straight! He got a bottle of liquid morphine, drank about half of it scrubbed in and watched me have a c-section. WTF ever huh? Every picture I have from the hospital shows BP half lit. Bloodshot eyes, stupid smile on his face, good lord!
I had to go back to work 3 days after a c-section cause BP could not maintain. So there I was delivering pizzas with my staples still in! He took every penny we had to keep himself stoned. So I told him to go to the methadone clinic or else. That was a big mistake as it made everything worse. what a WAB, but gonna leave this pain...
As always thanks for listening and God bless

Hagerstown High School, our version of Twin Peaks

I was inspired to post this by my new friend Abbey, can't help it!
So my high school was screwed up on SO many levels! Let's do the list!
1.) Flake's English teacher made a porn w/ his wife and his son got a hold of it and spread it around
2.) Cozad bangs some girl (run to the border w/ chico)
3. Glaze marries one of the Harrison girls
4.) Beeson marries another Harrison girl
5.) Reagan marries a cheerleader
6.) Oliger was just a straight perv.....
7.) The band director married a classmate, yeah u weren't doin nething before wtfe?!!
8.) McGrath gets busted getting head in a public park w/ a DUDE!!!!
This is in a town of 2000. Did I grow up in Twin Peaks?! WTF?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Knocked up AGAIN!!!

Well I had just left LL for a guy I had known for a few years.
I was drinking quite a bit before all this happened, but oddly enough when I made this decision I was sober. Wish I was drunk, then I would have an excuse.
LL and I agreed to joint custody of Hayley. He would keep her while I got settled in, then we'd split the time down the middle.
I got a crappy apartment on Main street and moved BP in with me. He had no job and pretty much sponged off me. The beginning was GREAT! We had a great time together and I didn't mind taking care of him. That's what I've always done, taken care of others. I always put myself last on the list. Not very healthy huh?
I had been with BP for roughly a month when I woke up with a very familiar feeling. The room spun and I turned green and dashed for the bathroom. Yep I was pregnant within a month AGAIN!
Well I told BP and he just got a blank look on his face and walked out the door. This was a very long very bad night. I was alone and pregnant. If there was any chance of making things right with LL before, there sure wasn't now. I made an appointment to get an abortion because I didn't think I could deal otherwise.
The next morning I went to a friend's house and found BP. He was passed out on the floor drunk. I kicked him in the head with my boot and went OFF on him. There is no way I was gonna do this alone.
Well abortion day came and I was a mess. It took every last bit of money I had to make the trip to Indy. I got to the clinic and filled out all the papers and tried to steady myself. The nurse was so nice to me when she took me back. I got into the gown and suddenly it hit me. This baby was a PERSON. Whether the timing was bad or not I had no right to kill it. We all started out the same way.
I threw my clothes back on and ran out the door like the devil was chasing me. Which in a way I think he was.
On August 28, 2001 Brayden Paul Petitt was born, healthy and happy!
Next time we're gonna skip back to when I realized BP had a drug problem. It sets the stage for the next 8 years!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

still screwed up!

Man has there ever been a shittier weekend?! Things started well enough but got bad SUPER fast!' I don't think I can ever change that!
I am stupid for a guy right now, but I am SOOOO on the fwb tip. Sucks so hard cause I like him more than that! But do you settle or do you you move on?! I don't want to move on I just want to go back to the way things were 3 short days ago.
Why does he think he can have it both ways? You can't sit there and say you don't like me then get jealous! You can't drop the L bomb on me when you're half asleep and then say I'm a bad person. Why say you're on the same page about not wanting drama and then be the one creating it?
I thought this guy was a good one but he is as damaged as I am and was SOOOO mean 2 me earlier (yep I know ur reading but wtf ever) I swear I am never gonna meet someone decent. One of the downfalls of being single. Starting over again!
Lyrics...." I want u 2 notice when I'm not around, you're so fucking special" Yep kittykats my headspace now!
How is someone so jealous of me when I suck so much? Why does the most awesome person on earth think I am worth the time? Am I not worth it because he thinks I'm not. Probably never gonna figure it out kittykats!
I guess the good news is I will have more time to write now, so we'll get back to where I was before. Going through my sordid past and trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I'm getting ready to dive into my second marriage which is currently ending. Maybe I've been putting it off on purpose because it's hard to think about all of it. You thought some messed up stuff happened before? Just wait...
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

In circles AGAIN...

Back to 2010 cause I had a really bad night!
I made a mountain out of a molehill and possibly messed up an amazing thing.
The night started out well enough. Went to B's house and hung out for a little bit. Then we went to an old friend's house and had a good time. I hadn't seen these kittykats forever so it was amazing to catch up with them! Great scene, old buddies, the smell of BBQ hanging in the air, and the guy I like by my side.
Well we went back to B's house and that's where it got ugly....
Started well enough, played some Rock Band with my old buudies and had a good time. Then the ugliness started. I don't get why someone says he doesn't want a relationship but gets stupid jealous of anyone I talk to! I did have a life before him and I have guy friends. I just don't get along with most girls so most of my buddies are dudes.
So I ended up crying like a little girl with a skinned knee and took a cab home. Woke up seriously depressed and wondering what I did wrong. But after talking to my girl AH maybe it wasn't me. Do I deserve better? I doubt it, but a strong argument was made otherwise.....
So I will leave you crying and hurt! Maybe things will work out but probably not. That's me in a nutshell, I can fuck up anything I touch. I highly doubt it will ever change....
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The death rattle of marriage #1

Back to the past again, dear readers! So I am still married. We owned a lovely house on Lincoln street. We had a beautiful little girl. I had a great job at Belden. Do you think that was enough? Of course it wasn't!
After I got back from Chattanooga, things did a 180. I no longer cared about trying to make my marriage work. If I was able to do the things I did, could I have honestly been in love?
Things got uglier and uglier between me and LL. One night he came out to Belden to bring me my Xanax, and I can't remember what he said, but it upset me highly! I downed a full bottle of purples at WORK. As the blackness closed in I stumbled into my boss's office. I don't remember much, but apparently I was taken by ambulance to Reid and was restrained and refused to even see any family. LL said I wasn't suicidal and I avoided the psych ward. Which is a shame because that's probably just what I needed. I was released after the oh-so-fun shot of charcoal and went back home to reality.
I let a couple of friends stay with us for a while, Toad and AP. We sat around smoking weed and reminiscing about what might have been. At the same time got my first computer. Guess what the first thing I did was? I looked up Tiny.
I still can't figure it out,I had everything a girl could ever want, but it STILL wasn't enough!
Well one night Toad and AP asked me if I remembered BP, the guy I had done that huge rail of coke with and used to buy pot off of. Of course I did! Had a nasty crush on him for years. We jumped in the old Mercury Mystique and went to his house to say Hi!
Being a hopeless romantic the next part seems goofy to me now but, the second he walked down his stairs and our eyes locked, that was it. The death rattle occurred and my first marriage was over. Within 2 weeks I had left LL and got my own place. This is the beginning of the WORST 10 years of my life. If you've been following you know I will not say that lightly so hold on, it's about to get really bad!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Yep kittykats, totally gonna gush and make you nauseous!

Well I am ridiculously happy right now.
The guy I've been hanging out with has turned out to be one of the most amazing, sweet, sexy, and responsible people it has ever been my pleasure to know. He has it all together, which as far as my romantic history goes, is VERY different to me.
I just tonight got permission to give him a pseudonym, so we will call him B!
It's so nice to have met someone who cares about his kids the way that I do! I tend to be a bit old school and strict when it comes to parenting, so to meet someone who shares my values is pretty cool! So far so good, I'm holding back how I really feel because I am petrified of being hurt. It's happened to me WAY too much as you know dear readers!
Two people such as us, who have just gotten out of serious relationships, have to be VERY careful! At the same time, the heart wants what it wants, right? This is a snapshot of my brain for the last 8 days, running in circles.
I've met his boys and they are as great as he is. B's obviously done a great job with them, and doing it alone, wow! How many men are that dedicated to their children? It is much rarer than it should be! B works his butt off and takes care of his sons with no help or child support. He puts himself last after the ones he loves, and that is amazing!
Tomorrow will be the true test! He's making dinner for us and our kids. I hope they all get along well and don't go all Lord of the Flies on each other. As much as I might like someone, if they don't see how amazing my kids are....well that's a deal breaker!
I know I sound like a 7th grader at a New Kids On The Block concert, but you all know how unhappy I have been forever! So if this little bit of happiness lasts for 5 minutes or 5 years, I feel like my life is better for having known him.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, April 9, 2010

A few of my favorite things....(damn that sounds WAY too perky!)

Back to the present for a minute again. I am in a GREAT place now, thought you might wanna know. Sorry I'm jumping across time and space worse than Lost season 6 but that keeps it fresh for me.
Today gonna do something kinda cliche! I am feeling very grateful today so I thought I'd list 5 things I am happy for.
1.) When I get the kids up early and we cuddle on the couch and watch "Angel" on TNT before the bus comes.
2.) When Allison reads to me
3.) When something goes wrong with my computer and Brayden can fix it when I can't! He's 8 for chrissakes!
4.) That I'm raising my kids to be better people than I could ever hope to be
5.) When I can look in someone's eyes and know we will never run out of things to talk about
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Where it went wrong, the 1st time...

So I am married and started with the best intentions, but something was always off....
I did the right thing for the longest time, but eventually the freak came out! I ran into an old fiend JF, and do you remember what I said about crossing lines? This was the beginning of the end for me.
He was a punk rock boy I used to hook up with a million years ago. He was FIRE hot and didn't much care I was married so I went there.
I can call on one event as the death of marriage #1. Went on a trip w/ CH & TR to Chattanooga to visit an old friend MC. Of course I got stupid wasted on cat tranqs and GHB. Also hooked up with a dude who looked dead on like Eminem. When I woke up naked from the blackout I thought "hmmm, maybe I should not be married?" But went on home and held on. The death rattle of my marriage? Next post OK kittykats?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Back to the present for a minute......

Still in a good place kittykats but confused as hell....
You see I have kinda met someone awesome. But could the timing be any worse?! I still have so much self loathing, working on it, but the self deprecation is probably getting old. It's my personal shield, I laugh at myself before anyone else can. Done it for years!
Is it weird to dig someone but not want to be in a relationship? That is the last thing I want OR need right now. Can you hang with someone and not hurt them? My kids are always gonna be my priority, because I am ALL they have. Their dad is too busy getting arrested to care too much. They are my reason for drawing breath. I would probably have killed myself years ago if not for them! Man, my head is about to explode scanners style.
For now, gonna live in the moment! It just feels nice to be held.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, April 5, 2010

My Starter Marriage!

Sorry about the short absence dear readers! I've had a very nice weekend and been hanging out with actual people instead of sitting in front of this devil box!
Well we left off with me being a first time momma! It was terrifying, as any first time parent can tell you, but I took to it pretty well. You figure it out as you go along and pray you don't drop them.
We are now in the summer of 1999. I was busy planning a wedding. The thought of putting on a big stupid white dress is mortifying, so I begged to not have a traditional wedding. I reasoned that we should save the money on the actual ceremony and just throw a huge party afterwards. LL agreed with my logic, and the date was set for August 20, 1999.
I spent the night before the wedding at my best friend TR's house. I was nauseous all night long. That was sign number one. In the morning I woke up and immediately dry heaved for about an hour. I KNEW something was wrong, but my friend told me it was just nerves, I had cold feet and I would be fine.
I went out to New Paris to get my hair done by a friend, I was still a wreck, but I sucked it up and went on.
When I arrived at the City building, I had sign #2. My best friend and maid of honor TR was NOT there. She had the time wrong, so I had to rush around, and my friend Cherish stepped in instead.
The whole ceremony I was flipping out internally. During the vows I just stared at my shoes, but I did it. I was married. I went back to the house that me and my husband owned and had the most legendary kegger ever, One keg of Killians, and one of Coors Light. Everyone I loved was there, and I had a great time! Then I had sign new husband drank so much he passed out cold, so my wedding night I spent alone! No wedding night sex?! How bad does that suck?
That's where we're gonna leave it for tonight. The moral of the story? It's ALWAYS better to listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong, and it can save you a LOT of pain. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!