Sunday, May 30, 2010

Slacker girl here....

Sorry I have been slacking on posting lately, I'm trying to think how to put what I want to say on paper (or on monitor as it is)
I am still doing fairly well on the sobriety thing. I DID get drunk Friday, but thank God I haven't drank all day today, and I'm not sick.
I think that anyone who has ever tried giving up something they love would ever tell you it's easy to slip up. It only takes one moment of weakness to throw away sobriety. I am not the first but I won't be the last either.
The point is, I'm sober today and that is how I need to look at it, one day at a time. Hopefully soon I will pluck up the courage to go across the street to a meeting. When I sobered up earlier this year I went to at least one a day. Then my relapse happened. All those nice people saw that I had screwed up (the AA clubhouse is right across the street from my house) I know no one would judge me, but I still feel weird about it.
Tomorrow I'm buckling down on here. I have been distracted lately and my writing is suffering for it. I will post at least twice tomorrow if everything goes right.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, May 28, 2010

My muse is on vacation!

I have been wracking my brains for something clever to say lately and I seem to be drawing a blank, so the next few posts are probably just going to be little stories from the past I left out for whatever reason.
I tended to lean towards the tragic and dramatic in my blog and since my hardcore drinking days are behind me for now I thought I might sprinkle in some random fun stories between future posts!
BTW those of my followers I gave homework to? It's about due! I told you guys it would happen sooner rather than later! Anyone else intrigued? Help give the rude girl a break! Contact me on facebook for details, Jamie Equality Petitt. I can also be reached at, but be warned, I am LOUSY about checking my email! I am running a bit of a contest right now and the more entries, the more fun it will be! It's about 15 minutes worth of work and it will help me immensely!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The dangers of living with your ex-mother-in-law

Well it's gonna be another of those bitching posts, but if I don't use my hands to type I fear I will use them to choke the life out of someone!
I cannot remember if I have told you this before but BP's mom is my room mate (I will pause here for you to add your WTF's) I will try to condense this.
She was busted for possession a couple of years ago. You may or may not know this but a drug felony means you lose all kinds of things. In her case she lost her Section 8 (which paid her rent for her for over 20 years) and her food stamps. She had absolutely no chance of making it on her own.
BP and I had just got the house that I still live in. We were excited because it's ginormous and had 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I had never had 2 bathrooms before! We heard of his mom's plight and decided to take her in.
Flash forward 10 months later, BP is in jail but guess who's glued to my couch watching talk shows? What started out as tolerable has turned into adopting a very large, very old child.
I don't mind doing most of the work around the house myself. I try to keep the attitude that I would be doing it by myself whether she was here or not. That is just lying to myself though. There is no reason I should have to pick up after a grown woman. I bet you're wondering why I do it? I can't stand my house to look like crap and I hate arguing with her. She gets going and she'll start shrieking like a train whistle.
This pales in comparison to my #1 gripe. She is grandma, with everything that comes with that title. This includes a compulsion to spoil them. I have been having a few problems with the kids since BP went to jail, but they were few and far between. Now something has started I am nipping in the bud NOW!
The kids have learned how to manipulate, and I am not thrilled about it. They will ask me something whether it's ice cream, computer time, to go outside, whatever. Sometimes for whatever reason I will have to say no.
They will wait until I am otherwise engaged, usually while cleaning something upstairs, and run to Grandma. When asked the same question as I, her response is usually yes. I have spoken to her about it but she always claims to have "forgotten" or "they deserved it"
Every time something like that happens, I feel like I lose the respect of my children a little bit more! Am I wrong to be furious about this?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

He's trying to keep me!

Well I had a series of upsetting phone calls on Saturday. It was BP calling from jail.
It is nice to know that he is doing OK, but at the same time, I disconnected all feelings for him when he went to prison AGAIN!
I don't think I could ever get past all the damage he has done to my self-esteem over the years. Of course I will always love him, I did spend 10 years with him and he's a good father to the kids. (when he's not locked up)
It seems like jailhouse talk is music to the ears, but you have to keep in mind they have nothing but time to come up with the perfect thing to say. He wants me to do what I have to do now, but leave open the possibility of reconciliation in 2012.
After doing a lot of thinking on the subject and I think I have finally made up my mind for good.
It boils down to the fact that I am not the same girl he met 10 years ago. I have grown older and I hope a bit wiser. I am more sure of what I want and I will not settle ever again. I just don't think we are compatible anymore, our priorities are too different.
Although I will grieve over it not working out, I have to do what's right for me and the kids right now. It's just going to be hard to start over after 10 years with him.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, May 24, 2010

I frickin did it!

So guys we are on day #2!
I'm still in a pretty good amount of pain. Alcohol withdrawals are not for the faint of heart. It's not nearly as bad as last night when I had the whole sweating and chest cramp thing. My heartbeat went irregular a few times and I'm pretty sure I had a couple of seizures. There were 4 times I lost a few minutes and when I came around I had the worst headache.
I kind of wish I would have just went out to Reid to detox. It was really scary going it alone. Seeing as I am poor with no insurance, a hospital stay was not an option. Somehow I hung tough!
I want to thank you all dear readers! I was amazed by all the emails, phone calls, and prayers. I'm so lucky to have all of the "virtual" support of readers, friends, and family
I truly think I'm gonna make it this time. I have too much to live for, and I was killing myself slowly but surely. If my liver could talk it would ask me "why?" and probably slap me!
Well gonna sign off for now and have a water balloon war with my awesome kiddos!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

My last blackout.....

Well today is day #1!
I did not fall of the wagon, more like I FACEPLANTED! I had 17 days off alcohol and met someone who messed me up sideways. So today I am getting sober again. I am coming off a 3 day blackout and have NO idea what happened!
Why do I abuse myself like I do? There must be deeper issues, but therapy is WAY too expensive!
I started this blog to work through my past, but the present is just as big of a nightmare! I am still sober and sick as all hell! So there will be no posting for at least a day, the shakes make it hard to type!
I hope this time it takes, pray for me please? Weird coming from a diehard agnostic, but if God can help? Would welcome it!
BTW gotta give a shout out to Abbey, who thinks I am interesting enough to write a paper about?!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Keep ending up home

So I have ended up in Hagerstown a LOT lately, and completely randomly! Is this a sign?
I have no family left there, so there is no good reason to be there, but I have been anyways.
I am healing from the last boy, but the dating thing?! I SUCK at it! I literally call exes from the bathroom. Need to move on and am unsure how to. You would think I was 15 and not 32!
Short post today, will fill in details tomorrow!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Surfacing, at last

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that things have been even close to easy lately. I've been literally drowning in self-pity, doubt, and all out depression. There was really no one trigger that caused it, but there rarely is when it comes to clinical depression.
Let's just say that this is not the life I signed on for. I have the option of doing two things:
1.) I can continue moping and not caring about anything
2.) I can accept that change is a constant part of life, and I just need to roll with it.
I have chose option one for the last month or so and I can see that it is NOT working for me. So I guess it's time to try the alternative.
For every piece of baggage I let go of, it's easier to kick towards the surface. I am still drowning but the light is getting a bit brighter above me. Hopefully soon I will surface and be able to take a deep breath at last.
It's time to cut out people that are toxic to me and my goals. You should never have to apologize for who you are. I have been doing that way too much lately, and it stops now. I'm taking my power back!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, May 17, 2010

My intentions versus the outcome

I started writing this just over two months ago. I had been clean off dope and had just quit drinking. I had no friends or much family left so there was nothing better to do. I was reading one night and the character in the book was a blogger and the wheels started turning. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing to begin writing online.
I guess what I am trying to say is that i just imagined that I was putting my thoughts out there into the ether, that no one would actually read it. I had no idea that blogging would affect my real life in any way. There have been a lot of positives come out of it, but I'm beginning to wonder if the writing is worth what I have lost along the way.
I am not the best at censoring myself, on paper or in reality. If I'm feeling something I will put it out there, and I am starting see that sometimes maybe it was a bit of a selfish thing when what I said involved other people. The people I have spoken of are not just characters in a novel, they are real people with real lives and real feelings.
I have lost a friend that meant a lot to me because of this stupid website.That was not the only reason, of course, but I think it had a lot to do with it. Why do I feel this need to put everything out there? What is wrong with me that I have a hard time keeping my life to myself? I have no idea, maybe this is yet another addiction to add to the list.
I am so depressed at this point I can barely drag myself out of bed, let alone get anything close to good writing done. My virtual life is just fine, but my real life has gone straight to hell. I'm still not on dope, so don't worry, but I am in a very bad place emotionally. I'm remembering how much of a relief it was when I used to cut myself and just sit in a dark room. I no longer have that luxury as I'm someone's mother now, but it is tempting. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but I don't know where to begin. Any thoughts are welcome!
So dear readers I am going to take a few hours to think very hard about what my next move is going to be. Do I still want to write? I will never get back what I have lost, and writing helps in so many other ways. But was is worth the price I paid?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What is true friendship?

I have done a lot of contemplating on this subject in the last days. I am close to the present here, think if I have anything else to say I should put it out here first!
I have been giving a few friends a lot of thought. I am trying to figure out what I mean to them, and what they might mean to me.
We are gonna deal in hypothetical to protect the guilty...
Friend #1- I have known her since we were kids! She is a few years younger than me, and I guess in a strange way I am HER role model (scary)! I taught her the art of death curls, good taste in music, and how to deal with idiot men! The problem is she took all the lessons I taught her, and moved on to bigger things and left me in the dust. BTW I am VERY good at giving advice, not getting it! The fact I hardly talk to her anymore bothers me. I think I influenced her life and now I am not good enough to recognize as an old friend.
#2 A guy I thought I knew but was SO wrong. Everything had to be on HIS terms, or no way! Want to say SO bad that Neptune DOES NOT revolve around his asshole! Don't you hate it when people forget they are not the only person on earth? We all have our own brands of pain!
#3 will never give me a half inch of space. She asks me about every stupid detail of my life and wants my sage advice. I give it regardless of how much I just need to focus on myself.
I think the underlying thread in all of these three is the fact that I am used for what I can offer, and tossed to the side. I do not have the heart to say, "Go away" to anyone and it's a BIG problem! How do you look at someone who needs a friend and walk away?! Not in my genetic makeup! At the same time, lately I have been hurt because of my empathy and unwillingness to ask for help back. Even worse is when you ask for a friend and they seem to not care when you have cared so much! Even if you know in your heart it's them, it STILL hurts so badly!
So this is where I am right now dear readers, being listened to by half the earth but still no one gets me. I still don't get myself! I would just like to have a friend that meets me halfway. No expectations or promises, just love and support!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The past has this nasty habit of not changing, even if you do!

Well dear readers I am so close to being caught up to the here and now, although I am clean, I am still dealing with the repercussions of my past. Let's say that just because you have changed doesn't mean you can make everything go away.
I still had a nasty dope habit as did my husband. He would go out and hustle up money in ways I didn't want to imagine. As long as the heroin was still coming in I honestly didn't care where from. I was about to change my tune BIG time.
As anyone who has ever known a drug dealer will tell you buys are not always cash transactions. There is a lot of trading that goes on in that world. BP sold a bit of dope on the side to help support our habits. It was nothing new to me to see random stuff just appear out of nowhere.
Then one Saturday morning BP was dope sick and a little on the violent side of life. He had lost his ID and could not take anything into the pawn shop to cover the day's heroin. He asked me if I would and in my (once again) infinite wisdom I agreed to take in a Fender guitar he had acquired in trade for a gram. My husband would never do anything to put me at risk when he knew he was going to prison and there would be no one to take care of my kids if I was locked up right? WRONG!!!!
This was in September. BP went to jail on November 3rd. I had finally let go of him after all those years and was determined to start my life over. I kicked the dope finally. Spent about 4 days dry heaving, sweating, and feeling like every bone in my body was going to break. It was worth it to me because I was FINALLY getting a chance to start over after all these years.
Then in December I got a phone call out of the clear blue sky from RPD. The detective informed me that the guitar I had taken in for BP was reported stolen in a a car break in. I was gobsmacked to say the very least. I agreed to come in and make a statement. I wasn't afraid to because I figured since I had no idea it was stolen, I would be fine. Boy was I ever wrong.
I talked to BP from the jail the night before I went to the police station to ask him what had happened, who the shit had come from, and what he intended to do about it. He filled me in on the truth (or his version of it) and I figured I would be OK. I made my statement and thought it was over with. Again not so much....
In February one night I started getting dozens of phone calls from friends telling me I was on Miami Valley's Most Wanted for a charge of receiving stolen property. It seemed a bit far fetched considering I am at the same address I have been at for awhile and they knew exactly where I was. They could have picked me up at any time. I guess it was RPD's personal brand of psychological warfare, I can't think of any other reason. I laid low for a couple of weeks, but never tried to hide. I was always at home. Then at the end of February they came for me, sending 3 squad cars. I am the most boring person on earth, so if nothing else my neighbors now think I am a gangsta. Lucky for me, my kids were not there as I was led out in handcuffs. They were at the Wayne County Jail visiting their dad.
In closing I have no idea what the future holds for me. I sure hope that justice will prevail. The only problem is that it prevails a lot more often if you have money, which I do not have. To this day they have not gone after BP or attempted to find out who did the actual car break-ins. Doesn't seem right to me!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Back to a very dark place in my life!

Well, when we left off before the current drama, I was just recently hooked on heroin. My arms were a wreck, my life was a wreck, and I decided to just give up and numb away the pain!
Addiction is a stealthy bastard, one second you are doing heroin and then you realize that heroin is doing YOU! If I had any idea the depths of the despair I was running towards maybe my decisions would have been VERY different. It's like they say, "Hindsight is 20/20"
To be totally honest, my memory from back then is a bit fuzzy. I would wake up and immediately need a shot or else I could not function. I was like superwoman when I was high, mostly in the cleaning of my house. I would scrub at dirt that was not there. I couldn't stop either. As I did one chore, I would mentally file away a hundred others that HAD to be done or else the world would end. My thinking was so warped back then.
I grew accustomed to wearing long sleeves even on the hottest of days. I wasn't exactly ashamed at the time, but didn't want to have to explain myself. I was still a great mom, that is one thing I am proud of. At the same time, every cent I spent on drugs was taking away from my kids. There is NO excuse for that!
We started to lose everything, and with a quickness. First went my job, second was anything that we could pawn for a quick buck, and third was my apartment. given the option to buy either an 8 ball or pay rent, guess which one I picked?
The fourth thing I lost could very well be my freedom. We'll get into that next post! I would like to say though I am off the dope now, it's still a daily struggle but I'm doing well with THAT part of my addictions. Some day I will recover from all of them! Say a prayer for me OK?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The last current post for awhile!

Well kiddos, I am in much better shape now. I needed a few days to regroup and think. It is strange how much you can learn about yourself if you really make an effort.
They say that God whispers in your ear right? Well he put a megaphone to mine, and my ears are still ringing.
I have always been a people pleaser. Ever since I was a kid and the class clown I have sought validation through other people's opinion of me. I used comedy as a shield against the world so no one would get too close and I still do to this day. Well that is only about 5% of who I am, and I'm thinking it's time to let a bit more of me shine. A good friend of mine made a comment about my armor, and it got me thinking. It's time to take it off as it is WAY too heavy and weighing me down.
So now it is time for me to figure out who I am and what I want. I have given WAY too much to others and I think it might be time to be a bit selfish.
My kids will always come first, but I think Jamie is gonna start being second on the list!
Next post I will be pick up where I left off in my past. It's like the famous quote, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, May 10, 2010

A bit calmer now

So maybe I was a bit too harsh earlier. I have no right to get mad at something beyond my control, it is a HUGE waste of my time and energy. Plus it isn't like I should care. He was in my long list of "Mr. Wrongs"
I am fine with "Mr Right now" I have finally detached myself from my feelings so I am feeling a lot better than I did. I was a moron to try so hard to find happiness somewhere other than through myself. Been sticking around the house and having fun with my kiddos. Also am well rested for the first time in two months.
I am just fine with just having a good friend like I do now. I am tired of looking for more than I can handle. I think using someone for their body and walking away is the best I can offer anyone right now.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Feeling homicidal

The going off posts are probably getting old, but i am about to spit nails right now.
What in the name of God is wrong with men?! Here in girl world we have certain lines we NEVER cross. It's obvious men do not have the same level of integrity damn it.
This guy I used to like a while back is trying to hit on one of my oldest friends. I don't care how drunk you are that is a HUGE asshole move! She has known me my whole life, did he really believe I wouldn't find out. He probably did and just didn't care. I am a free agent and it's a good thing, but I wouldn't pull that on my worst enemy let alone someone I call a friend!
Stay single, have a great time, but stay AWAY from my girlfriends!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I am actually upbeat for once!

Still missing the guy but I had a REALLY good night!
Went out with some old band geek friends to a bar in Hagerstown and listened to a bad 80s cover band. That was not even the point.
I have not been out with girlfriends for so long, I forgot what it was like to just let loose. I danced and would have liked to make out with a random cute boy, but slim pickings in Hagerstown. Plus I had no desire as I could not get "him" outta my head! Stupid huh, but I am nothing if not a one man woman. If I am with you, I do not spread it around elsewhere! I am nothing if not faithful and I will be till you tell me to fuck off!
So I came home alone, but I am still in great spirits! I am really starting to realize how much Jamie rocks, my confidence is rising for the first time in forever. I am starting to see I can make myself happy. No man needed, although it doesn't hurt to have one around! My bite marks are fading and so is he, makes me sad!
In closing I have tried to send ya here but PLEASE subscribe to Holly's blog OK? The link one more time.... I get almost 300 hits a day, throw some love her way ok?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts....

I feel just slightly better but not a lot.
I am going to address him directly again, though he won't see it, it makes me feel better!
I have wasted so much time blaming myself for everything that has happened, but I am opening my eyes to the fact that it is not all on me! I got a lot of mixed messages and I can't blame myself for misinterpreting them.
If you say one day you can't stop thinking about me all day, am I wrong to think that I might mean a little bit to you? I was nothing but good to you and got no appreciation back.
I know you didn't need me, but that is no reason to be cruel because I tried so hard to make you happy. I think it is a good thing when someone cares about you as much as I did.
Back to my dear readers, I have gotten a lot of love from you today and you guys are totally right. I need to learn to love Jamie, I have wrapped up my self esteem in men for way too long. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I've just never been very good at being alone. I have dealt with so much abuse and pain from BP and the first time I try to put myself out there I get destroyed. Enough to make you lose faith in everything...
But as always I will dust myself off and continue down my road. Someday I will look back on this and laugh, won't I?!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Yep, I am a retard

I am SOOO stupid! I can't even find the words...
I thought I had something approaching real, but he was afraid of being a dick and chose tonight to let it all out. Guess I was too aggressive and now I am alone again.
I can't believe the mean shit that was thrown on me, but it's honest so how can I be mad?!
I am going to keep my heart on lockdown from now on, I am in a BAD space kittykats. I really thought I was liked and now know how bad I suck! I have been told it's not me, but hard to believe it now. The gravel from the alley is digging into every crevice of my heart!
Time to stay home, huh?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The song that is stalking me

This song is stalking my ass, so I shall write a bit!
"Seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you" were ever truer words spoken?!
I stayed home and caught up on sleep for once and am now thinking it was a BAD move! Got some anger via yahoo when I got in front of the devil box.
I hate being taken for granted on any level and I don't think getting more than 6 hours of sleep is a bad thing! So why do I feel so gnarly about missing him?!
Good lord I am not good at this! To my kittykats in relationships, how do you not go insane?!
After BP I was so serious about being alone, but I have remet the greatest guy! I always think about what he needs and not what I need. Story of my life right?
But I really need to stop bitching, I am in love and it's a GOOD thing, at least until my heart is drug through a gravel filled alley.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Going off!

OK I am having a super bad day! Thought I would share the bs with you!
Things are pretty going good with the new guy, but then he accused me of some stupidity.
I also got called off at work so less money. I also got dates swapped and missed a court date. I'm OK till June but still, more about my current case in a later post. But know that I am innocent!
I also got a letter from BP today that had the words I've longed for forever in it. But the prob is a letter from prison is always good, it's the getting out part we seem to struggle with!
I'm in love with someone else and I think he's amazing, but things have been a WEE bit dramatic and I don't want to cause him any harm. If I have to walk away for the sake of him and the boys I will. I will prob cry for the next year but it's not all about me, It's about the kids. If daddy is unhappy, they will pick up on that!
So I'm sitting here holding my breath until 6 o' clock. Why do I care so much?!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The new job, back to dealing with morons!

Well as all of my facebook friends know, I FINALLY have a job! I'm working in a college bookstore which should be ideal. If it wasn't for the damn customers....
I had to go work at the Connersville campus today buying back used textbooks. The day started out well enough, I woke up with the guy I like to hang out with more than anyone, got home, made some good coffee, and was truly ready to go. B picked me up at about 7:30 so I didn't have to worry about a ride for once. Then it was ALL downhill!
The second we walked in there were about 5 people sitting there waiting on us. They say it takes one to know one and it's true. A quick scan of the room confirmed my suspicions. They were wanting money for whatever drug they were on. I check for track marks, shaking hands, and a wild look in the eyes. Dead giveaways!
We tried to set up the computer and it did not work. So we had to call in book numbers by cell phone as the angry mob multiplied. You would think people about to get money would be more patient.
I lugged boxes of textbooks all day like a pack mule. Each one weighed 40-60 pounds, so that just made me more aggro!
The stupid questions got me worse than anything. Just so you know, if you are missing software I can't buy it. If it's from an Algebra class from 1989 no I can't buy it. AND even if you walk away for an hour and then come back, yes I remember you and NO I still won't buy it!
Finally got back to Richmond at about 5:30 and had no ride so I walked the full 3 miles home. What else do you do? I would really like to keep this job! When I got home my feet were throbbing like you wouldn't believe. Remember those old cartoons when someone's thumb would get hit by a hammer and it would turn red and pulsate? That would be my feet!
Sorry this is a bitching post, but it's what is on my mind! Hope tonight gets better! I swear they put "essence of stupid" in Connersville's water supply!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

To err is human, to forgive divine

I don't really deserve it after the way I acted this weekend, but I have been forgiven.
My own self doubt has been torpedoing everything good in my life, and it's time to change that! I am really serous about this. I had a lot of time to think about things today. I traced back all of my problems and my self hatred is at the root of most of them.
You have to love yourself before you are any good to anyone else. That's such a simple lesson but one it has taken me almost 33 years to learn. I think I just might be able to get there. Having a job and a great friend like I do has helped me beyond what I can put into words. But good times or bad I need to like ME!
I have about 3 posts worth of material on my past so they might be punctuated by some present posts. I am looking toward my future and starting to seriously work on myself and I would like to share that with you dear readers! Thank you so much for all your love and support today! You can't truly enjoy the sweet without the bitter. After everything that has happened, never has having some arms around me felt so good. I will NEVER take it for granted again!
In closing this evening I would like to invite you to check out my old friend Holli's blog. She is just starting out and if she gets half the love and encouragement I get, she will be very happy. I will add her blog link at the bottom of the page, or just copy and paste this...
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Losing someone 21st century style

Well guys, I have fulfilled the cycle yet again. I had something really good going with someone and I managed to destroy it, along with a really good friendship.
I am not getting into specifics, as it hurts WAY too bad right now to talk about. Let's just say, things were said, words were exchanged, I did something stupid that was misinterpreted, and now I will never be able to think of it ever without cringing and wanting to bash my head against a wall.
Once I got home I watched as I was deleted from his life. I had never been de-friended before, but it SUCKS. First went the facebook, then the yahoo, you get the picture. I did get a phone call so at least I had that! He was very clear so at least I know where I stand and I know I will never talk to him again. He was VERY clear on that point!
Now that I think about it, I think I might have sabotaged it on purpose. I have one of the keenest senses of self loathing. If I get close to anyone, I push it to the point that I ruin everything. I truly wish I could stop but it's like I'm on self-destruct autopilot.
He said I was crazy, and you know what? He's right! They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen. That's the story of my life! So now maybe I can learn something from this experience and move on to something better.
A few lessons I learned over the last couple of months...
1.) To keep my heart locked up tight until I meet someone worthy of giving it to
2.) I am smart, funny, and beautiful. I was made to feel that way and I will never regret a second of my time with him. Even if it ended badly there was a lot of good and he built me up so much! I thank him for that
3.) Being clear and up front is always your best bet! Trying to be the "cool girl" is not worth it. You have to keep your emotions locked up and it is VERY unhealthy! I want to think Jessica for bringing me to that realization today.
4.) No one can cry forever. I didn't think I was ever going to stop as I was bawling from his house, all the way home on my walk and continued until about 8 AM. Eventually I stopped and I have dry eyes and steel in my spine now. I can't say I won't get going again. All it takes is one song or a single memory to pop into my head and we're off to the races. It's much better to let it go than to hold it in I think!
In closing I would like to address him directly. This is the one place I'm pretty sure he is going to check.
I know you are reading this thinking I'm going to trash you in front of the whole Internet but that is not who I am and I hope you know that. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled everything, but it was ALL me. I am truly sorry for everything I did, you are not at fault, I just got too close to being happy so I had to mess it up, and I'm sorry you were hurt by my stupidity. We had a LOT of good times together and I pray that someday we can be friends again. I will still sign on to yahoo every night so if you can ever forgive me I'll be here. I have so much love for you and what a good man you are. My life is better for having known you, even if it was brief, I'll never be the same!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!