Sometimes you think your life has fallen into place...you have order, and routine, and serenity. Things make sense, the world makes sense, life makes sense. It seems so easy, so understandable, so mundane. And then it happens.....it doesn't matter what IT is, or WHO it is, or WHERE it is...but it happens. In those times you seek out courage, and wisdom, and truth.......seldom is it pretty, never is it simple, always it is painful. And just when you think you are alone, and abandoned, and incomplete...you are given the opportunity to accept change in the form of another broken soul who speaks to your heart, who listens to your agony, who understands your pain...for they have seen it, and lived it, and gathered it ten fold in their own lives. Jamie has been that path for me.
I lived many years hidden in a haze of alcohol. I prayed that I would drink myself to death....I knew it would happen...I waited for it to happen. I didn't make attempts to prevent it...just the opposite in fact...I encouraged it. That was my path, my destiny, my will. I DID, eventually, painfully, have a breakthrough. I am thankful everyday for that.....
But then...as always happens...I fell. Recently. And I fall with honesty..I AM this person..I am better drinking, I cope better, I love better, I live better. Deployment is heartbreaking..in many small painful ways. In the last few days I have been engrossed in a novel of sorts...a beautiful, funny, tragic, cosmic blog about recovery. Jamie's blog. Your honesty, your triumphs, your failures...remind me that I am greater than the sum of my demons.
Jamie, you survive because you are the first and the last. Rain fell. Shadows fell. And then light poured through....you are that light. It is your heart, and your soul, and your being. You survive because you were BORN to. You survive because you can. Because you must. Because you are.
I continue to hold your addiction and your recovery in my heart. I am strong because you allow me to fall...and you rally with me when I get back up. Bless you.