Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Anatomy of a Relapse, and How I Avoided it!

I would like to start this post by thanking all of you wonderful people for the umpteenth time for how much you have cared about me and my poor excuse for writing.
I am still not drinking. I had a very proud moment this afternoon as far as this part of my road goes. I had to go to my neighbor's house for some insignificant reason or another and I was sitting on the couch talking to the mom when the son came bounding down the stairs. He had a big smile on his face and something hidden behind his back.
It was a pint of vodka he had bought me as a present. His mother is a bit of a pack rat (well maybe more than a bit, have you seen Hoarders on A&E?) I have been trying to help her out whenever I had spare time. So there I am with 7 days of sobriety having a standoff with my best friend/worst enemy. Looking at that seemingly innocuous clear liquid I could actually physical feel what the first taste like. The smell of rubbing alcohol that assaults your nose as you take that first sip and the burning in your throat as it goes home. Then one usually has to fight for the first couple of minutes just to keep it down. The feeling passes, so we repeat said steps until you feel that lovely warmth in your stomach. This is the point of no return for me personally. It wasn't so much what one would get feel "getting trashed and partying" for yours truly. With me it was like all the sharpness of the world was softer and every problem that made life seem like it was over was easily manageable. I always had the answers! Then I would wake up the next morning with absolutely no recognition of the prior evening's "brilliance." Once again I had failed to cure AIDS or end our dependence on foreign oil damn it.
It seemed to me like time had slowed to a crawl, but in reality only 10-15 seconds had passes. When I finally opened up my mouth, guess what I said? NO! I could barely believe it myself. I stayed for a few more minutes but left without so much as a drop of vodka in my system or on my clothes. I won't lie and say the rest of the day did not almost break me but I just remembered that if I was able to say no under those circumstances, that I have a real shot of beating this.
I still awaiting word on how I might be able to attend an outpatient program so I learn not only how to identify trigger and avoid bad situations, but also maybe I can dig deep enough to find enough why I want to hurt myself like this to start with!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

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