Thursday, June 23, 2011

The prom from hell

Well kittykats, my last few posts have been pretty heavy as I have had a lot going on in my life. As any of you that follow me on twitter and Facebook can attest to, I fancy myself a funny lady. So tonight I will tell an anecdote to cleanse the palate. It is the trifecta of sad, pathetic, AND funny!

When I was in high school I was not exactly the coolest person. I was considered weird and didn't have any real friends. So my weekends were spent alone in my room writing and listening to sad bastard music. The boys didn't exactly beat down my door for dates. I pretended like I didn't care. Underneath it all though I was just like every other girl. I wanted to be swept off my feet by a cute boy and get de-virginized in the back of a Chevy, just like a good midwestern girl should be.

My Senior year prom came around. I had pretty much given up on any hope of an invite. Then one day the stars aligned and I was asked to go. The only problem was the boy who asked me.

I can't remember his name for the life of me. He was an exchange student from Germany who barely spoke a word of English. To top it off his host family was my creepy 6th grade teacher who looked like an Amish serial killer. Anyone from my hometown can confirm that I am NOT exaggerating. Still, he wasn't entirely repulsive, so I was happy that I at least got to go.

The preparations begun. My mom was poor from blowing all of her money on stupid shit from Fingerhut catalogs, so my dress budget was meager to say the least. We finally went to the Muncie mall and I was able to find an extremely unflattering dress for the bargain price of $65 (which she bitched about) But still, I was actually going to prom!

I grew up in a small town of 2000, so naturally the word about my date spread like wildfire. Soon Mr Germany was getting shit left and right about taking Jamie Head, the horror and shame of it. Must have been devastating for the poor bastard. A week before prom he came up to me during passing period and broke the date.

I went home crying and feeling like the worst reject to ever walk the earth. My mom asked me what was wrong, and in between sobs I told her. To my horror she called the host family and laid into them. Long story short they made him take me.

Prom night came and I spent the whole day getting ready. I was excited and hoped somehow it would turn out to be a magical evening, as I was a naive 17 year old. He had ordered a cab to pick us up. Since I was from an Indiana backwater, this was more exotic than a limo to me. We rode to Richmond where the prom was to be held in silence.

He took me to a pretty decent restaurant here in town called The Olde Richmond Inn. We tried to make conversation, but the dude could barely speak English. He tried to joke with me and I just stared at him blankly. The entire time I was looking at this big black case that was laying by his feet. I had first noticed it in the cab and had no idea what the fuck it was.

Our awkward dinner ended and we headed off to the Leland Hotel where the prom was being held. We posed for the obligatory cheesy pictures and headed into the ballroom. I sat with a table of people who I knew and didn't hate as much as the others. Then the moment of truth, Mr Germany slammed his big black case on the table and opened it....

Inside was a CAMCORDER! He wanted to tape the prom experience for his weird friends back home. So he ended up taping the entire thing and ignoring me. Not one dance, plus no one else asked either. I just sat at the table wallowing in my own misery.

We took the cab back to the after-prom in silence. He tried to be nice when we got out but I told him to fuck off. So that was my prom, no dancing and not even any dirty after-prom sex. What else would I expect from a prom that's theme song was "Take My Breath Away"? So I went home, told my mom it was great, went to my room, crawled out on the roof, and smoked a joint the size of my arm. After a few hits the absurdness of the situation hit me and I laughed so hard I almost fell off the roof.

This post is dedicated to all the boys from high school who never asked me out. You probably would have gotten lucky. Now I am hot and you are fat, pathetic, and trading stories of your glory days over Budweisers. So suck on that!

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A very challenging week

This last week has been one of the most challenging ones I have faced so far. So much emotion that it almost broke me, but it didn't.

Crispy and I are still working things out. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride as of late. There are things that both of us need to change, but it's not been easy. We are both stubborn as hell, and this process will take time. We love each other dearly though, and we're both willing to do the work.

The worst thing about the last week was losing Will to a heroin overdose. I have written about him on here before using the pseudonym WM. He was a great guy who left behind 4 children, including my goddaughter Kaitlyn, who is only 2.

He always had a pretty nasty drinking problem, but was functional. Then heroin came along a few years ago. He started by snorting it until, like so many of us, he graduated to the needle. He and V were in a completely dysfunctional relationship which revolved around heroin rather than their kids or building a life together. When he found out she was cheating on him 5 months ago he packed up and moved to his parents' in Michigan. He was clean the entire time.

He arrived back in Richmond on Thursday night. By Friday morning he was dead.

I've been a mess about this all week because it could have easily been me. I can't believe I will never see him again. My grief is mixed with a good amount of anger though. It was completely selfish of him to choose getting a buzz over being responsible. Now his children have no father.

There are rumors floating around Richmond that it is being investigated as a possible homicide. When Will died he was at an old friend of mine's apartment. This friend got home from working 3rd shift and found him. I can't be sure, but I think he got Will the heroin the night before. When the police and paramedics arrived, the scene had been cleaned up. They call it suspicious but I just think the friend panicked and tried to get rid of any and all paraphernalia that was laying around.

What do you guys think? If someone provides drugs for a person and the person ends up dead, should they be held accountable? The person who found Will was one of his best, oldest friends so I think the guilt will be worse than any prison sentence.

On a brighter note, yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I saw it clean and sober. It was a nice day, albeit VERY hot. I got lots of birthday wishes from my Facebook friends and Twitter peeps, so that made me feel very loved! Thanks guys! The kids made me stay in my room for an hour so they could give me a party. They hung everything from Christmas tinsel to 8 different colors of streamers on the wall. They also invented games for us to play. My dining room is a WRECK now, but the clean up is worth it. SO much fun! I ended the evening by cuddling in bed with Crispy, eating a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, and watching Reservoir Dogs. In the words of Ice Cube, "I'd have to say it was a good day!"

In closing I would like to say Happy Birthday to my big brother William Christopher Head, who passed away in 1998. He was a gruff man's man who loved motorcycles, beer, and red meat. He had more than a passing resemblance to Santa Claus, if Santa liked Harleys. He also had an amazing talent for choppers. He could build a bike using nothing but scrap metal and duct tape. I miss you Chris, and I hope you are proud of your baby sister!

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Night From Hell-Part 2

Well kittykats, I am bit short on sleep as I'm sure you can imagine.

I was just starting to get cheered up a bit last night. Thanks for all the outpouring of love by the way, I am overwhelmed! I was listening to bad music at top volume just because I could, then I heard the thud of heavy boots coming up the stairs. Crap, Chris had come back.

It wasn't pretty. He was drunk beyond anything I have ever seen. He had gone to the neighbor's house a swilled God knows how much whiskey. I just stared in horror as he bumped into walls in a futile attempt to get into the bed. Of course I asked him what the hell he was doing here and he seemed genuinely confused. He said he lived here. I told him he doesn't anymore.

Then came the drunken slurring insults. Gems like, "I never loved you and the kids" and "Your son is a retard." The last one pushed all of my anger from the night over the edge. Brayden is autistic, not retarded and it's NOT his fault! So I went all redneck and punched him. No one talks about my kids like that unless they have a death wish. So I hit him as hard as I could and I think I broke my hand in the process. I am typing this one-handed.

He is still asleep about 5 feet away from me right now. I have no idea what is going to happen when he wakes up. He didn't go to work today.

This person I have seen in the last few days is NOT Chris! He is a good man and I have no idea what is going on with him. I think talking would help, but it takes two to carry on a conversation. I guess we'll see. Thunder is rolling in the background and the sky is as slate grey as my mood right now.

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Is this ACTUALLY happening?!

Well guys, I think we can chalk this up as the 2nd worst time of my life. In this post I am going to share some things that are frankly shameful to fess up to, but you know my rule. 100% honesty.

Most of you know I am a bit of a clown on Facebook and twitter. I like making people laugh and brightening days, but from time to time I need to wallow in my misery. Tonight is one of those nights. Suffice it to say that my entire world has crashed around me tonight.

When I got sober I kind of thought that everything would be roses after that, but apparently it's not the case. I met the first man I have ever truly loved. We built a nice life together and he was wonderful to me and my kids until recently, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.

Chris and I have been having some issues for a little while now. He has been emotionally abusive. Mostly just name calling and such. I have been so scared about going to jail that I haven't spoke up for myself. Who would take care of the kids?

Yesterday morning he woke up in a hella bad mood and called me a fucking cunt. I stewed about it all day and decided to say something when he came home from work. Let's just say he is not the best communicator....

He refused to apologize and informed me he was done with me. As I lay in his lap a sobbing wreck begging him to stay with me, he unleashed the bombshell.

He said that monogamy is totally unnatural and he is "immune to me." He said if I couldn't accept him wanting to sow his wild oats since he was so young that we were done. In short he wanted to sleep with other women. The worst part is that I actually told him he could.

Today was bad all day. I kept having these awful images of him with some young cute girl. Kissing her like he kissed me, looking into her eyes and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. Every time it happened I would get a sharp pain in my chest unlike anything I have ever felt before. It feels strange to have your first broken heart at my age.

When he got home, he assured me he wouldn't cheat on me and was just angry. I'm not sure if I believed it. My confidence and every thing I had ever believed in had been shaken to the core. But I decided to push those feelings away, and we made love.

A couple of hours later I got the news that one of my best friends on earth was dead of a heroin overdose. Needless to say, this was tough news to hear.

All I wanted was someone to hold me and listen to my pain and loss. The response was, "I really don't give a fuck!" He seems to have no emotion about his fellow man. I am completely the opposite, I care too much. So I said something that probably was not good. I said, "Just you wait until someone you love dies, like your mom, maybe then you'll understand." I was insane with grief and any logical person would understand that. Not him.

He said he was done for real this time (nice that he took advantage me one more time) and was leaving. When he went to go he couldn't find his car keys. So he proceeded to trash the house looking because obviously I took them (I didn't.) The evening's hijinks ended with him throwing glasses and shattering them. Then he spit on me and walked out.

So here I am. It's hard not to think that everything I have went through was for nothing. I have not felt this much heartbreak in my life, but my rational self knows I am better off alone. The future frankly terrifies me. I am going to prison and I have no clue what to do. Think I might reread this blog and remind myself how strong I can be.....

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, May 28, 2011


This is going to be a quick one, but thought I should update you guys. Chris and I have made up our minds. I am going to sign the plea.

There is a tiny chance I could beat this case if I took it to trial, but I am unwilling to take that risk. In 3 years Allison will be almost 10, Brayden will be almost 13, not to mention I can't ask Chris to wait for me for triple the time we have been together. It wouldn't be fair to him.

Not sure when I have to go yet, but it might be as soon as Wednesday. Something occurred to me the other day. My lawyer said my plea deadline was extended to June 2nd, but said I had to let him know what I wanted to do by Tuesday (June 1st.) So this has me worrying that my actual plea and sentencing will be in 5 days.

I won't lie to you and say I am not scared shitless. I am not built for incarceration. I feel like I was put on this earth to help other people and maybe help them laugh when times get too tough. I am a lover, not a fighter. I talk as if I am tough, but really I feel like a frightened litlle girl. The uncertainty of what is going to happen is killing me.

I want to take a moment to welcome my new readers from twitter and favstar. I took a while to share this blog with you guys, but there are two sides to jamieramone. This is my serious one.

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Should I stay or should I go

Just got back from court again, and I'm kind of relieved with how it turned out.
Nope, not THAT great of news. I still have the charge pending against me. What happened is that they extended my plea deadline until next Tuesday.

In a nutshell for you non-criminal readers: They are giving me the opportunity to take the plea bargain that I turned down before. I was offered 20 months, which in Indiana is actually 10 months with credit for good behavior. As long as I don't beat up a guard or shank someone, that shouldn't be a problem. When I am released I will be free and clear from the legal system, no probation. I will also be a felon, but I am unsure I could avoid conviction.

If I was to be acquitted, it would hinge on my ex-husband. He would have to testify in open court that I had no idea the guitar was stolen. This is the truth, but I don't think BP would do it for 2 reasons.
1-I left him and got with Crispy, I have a feeling he might just be a wee bit upset about that. I know for a fact he resents that my kids call Crispy dad, though he should be thanking him for taking such good care of his kids.
2-If he testifies, the charge I am facing would go on him, and with his criminal record he would be facing some hefty jail time. With him getting out in August after serving nearly 2 years, I imagine he is not eager to spend any more time locked up. Plus honesty has never been his strongest trait.

So I am thinking about just going ahead and taking the plea. Though I know I am innocent, BP is the only one who can exonerate me. I'm going to have a long talk with Crispy tonight. I want us to make this decision together.

Good news is, I bought myself at least another month and a half of freedom. It might sound silly, but I am going to have more time to make more memories. The kids have one more week of school left and then we get them all to ourselves. Also Crispy's sister is getting married June 11th. Crispy is going to be an usher and has to wear a tux. The thought of seeing him dressed up like that makes my heart go pitter-patter.

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I can't watch this anymore

I think I would die of shock if I had a normal day. I feel like I'm about to have a stroke.
Well the sister/bff V came over today. Her boyfriend had to meet with his parents and she didn't want to sit at home alone with her thoughts. So she showed up here at about noon. I honestly didn't want company, but I find it really hard to turn away a person who is in need of a friend, to the detriment of my mental health.
She was wired as hell and talking a mile a minute so it was instantly obvious she was on something. I asked her and she admitted to doing a half of a Suboxone. She offered me the other half, and I'm proud to say that even though I have had a killer headache all day. She was impressed that I could turn it down, I told her if she quit, one day she too could say no. She thinks Suboxone is better than heroin, but it's all the same to me.
I had a busy day planned, catching up laundry and putting up our winter clothes for the season. I got everything done, but with her trailing me the entire time. I was annoyed, but her boyfriend was supposed to pick her up within an hour or two. He didn't show up until 4:30, then all hell broke loose....
He informed her that he had to leave for rehab in Kentucky the following morning or he was going to lose his kids. This is the only place she has to stay, so I am sure you can imagine her reaction.
She began pacing up and down my block yelling. She got her clothes out of his truck and threw them on my porch yelling, "Take these, I don't need them since I am homeless!"
I asked her boyfriend to please take her away because the neighbors were staring. Crispy and I are quiet neighborly folks and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I went to my next door neighbors house to call her mom, because frankly I was scared for her and didn't want to make the same mistake twice. After I explained to her what had transpired I went back home.
She had come back and was leaning against my wall sobbing. I told her I didn't want her to hurt herself and she informed me that she had nothing to live for and was going to kill herself. Of course being the sister of someone who committed suicide, I went straight through the roof.
I told her that she was a selfish bitch and needed to think of her kids. I pretty much read her down. She started talking about how she was never going to get her girls back if she had nowhere to stay. Hint hint right?
I told her that I was sorry about her predicament, but there was nothing I could do to help. Last time we tried to help she was here for all of a day and a half before she had stolen off us. Crispy would never allow it, and frankly neither would I. She started weeping again and her boyfriend pulled back up to the house, she went outside and started melting down again. I told her boyfriend to get her ass in the truck and take her to her parent's house. She refused and just walked down the street freaking out. He kept his truck next to her and the last I saw they were creeping up Sixth street.
I have tried everything I can to help. I was given many 2nd chances when I was a mess, so I always use that as an excuse to be everyone's savior. No more.
My head is pounding right now and I'm all shaky. I have plenty of stress of my own don't I? I can't watch this anymore. I wish her the best, but this was the last straw.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Random and hard days

Well last time we spoke I was getting ready to go to jail. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime since.....
To start, for those of you that missed the news, I turned down the plea. I had every intention of going to jail. Then my lawyer told me when I was waiting outside the courtroom that I would have to swear under oath that I was fully aware that the item I pawned was in fact stolen. I thought about it and decided I did not want to commit perjury. I am taking a huge risk here, but I honestly believe I am innocent. The Rude Girl Nation has stepped up with legal referrals and advice, so fingers crossed. My next pretrial is next Friday. As of now my trial is set for June 20th, the day before my birthday.
Second, my bff and the girl I consider my sister V almost died. A couple of hours before I was due to leave for court I was just cuddling with Crispy. Suddenly there was all kinds of racket downstairs. V had busted into the house screaming "THOMAS IS DEAD!" I was frankly startled as I had no idea who Thomas is. She ran out of the house abruptly as she had come in. I should have noticed something was badly wrong, but you know what I did? I immediately filed it under random shit and started making jokes about it on twitter and my private fb group. I was getting ready to find out what an asshole I am.
I messaged her mom and brother after a while once I started to get scared about her state of mind. Later that night I found out she was in the psych ward.
She had been on the "bath salt" This is a drug I had never heard of that they sell at gas stations. You are supposed to bathe with it but people smoke, shoot, and snort this.
After she showed up at my house she ended up at her mom and dad's house. Long story short she ended up attacking her mother and attempted to claw her eyes out.
This bath salt thing scares the shit out of me. I mean Allison can go to our local Sunoco and buy it legally and she is 6. From my internet research it apparently causes paranoia, delusions, and self harm. It has similar effects to Meth. Please educate yourselves guys!
Yesterday V showed up at my door about 20 lbs lighter than the last time I saw her, when I kicked her out for stealing my debit card. She had shaved her head a la Britney, and quite frankly looked like she had just walked outta a concentration camp. I hope she will get better, but her boyfriend this week is an addict too. I tried to tell her it is next to impossible to get clean while in a relationship with an addict. I am pretty sure she didn't hear a word I said.
I am trying to get over the guilt I have about this whole sad situation. My first move was to laugh about it, but perhaps if I would have acted when she showed up at my house things would have turned out better. I should have called someone. I know you can only get better when you want to, but she has lost so much, and I can see so much of myself in that! Her kids are now wards of the state, and I think this is the best thing for them now. They are staying with their grandparents, so I can breathe a sigh of relief about that.
Lastly, we must do a copy and paste of the message I got via fb earlier. I message my ex every now and then to get updates on how my oldest daughter is doing. If you are new here, I have not seen her for 6 years, see earlier posts. I got this message from his 2nd wife....
Tracy Metzger Lipscomb

You may contact Hayley on May 2, 2017 when she turns 18, until then, if you do, we will contact an attorney and get a restraining order. Then, I will file for legal custody. After 7 years of raising her, I'm sure that won't be a problem. Lee agrees with me 100%.
So I am kind of a wreck about this, this was my response.....
I have no desire to interrupt her life. I am grateful for the job you have done as a mother when I wasn't able to be one. I know it is awkward to hear from me, but I do not want to contact her and disrupt her life. All I am asking for is an occasional update on how she is doing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger, but I AM her mother. There is no reason for this to get any uglier than it already is. The circumstances worked against us. If Lee recalls when I lost touch, my other daughter was in Riley on life support and Brayden was in the worst of his autism. I have no bad feelings toward you Tracy. I am so glad Lee has found someone to make him happy, he is a terrific guy. I was just young and immature and we were not right for each other. All I want is to know how my daughter is doing, let's not be ugly OK?
No response back. Since I am 100% honest on here I must tell you I try to think about her as little as possible. It is too painful and I will drive myself nuts thinking about I could have done differently. I just try to do the best I can with Ally and Brayden and try not to flog myself too much about what I can't control. My relationship with my mom gives me hope. Maybe someday Hayley will look at things like I do now with my mom. This is my deepest wish. I miss her so much.
OK kittykats, this post has utterly drained me.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Goodbye my kittykats!

This is probably going to be the last post I make for roughly a year. Day after tomorrow at 10 AM is zero hour.
I am surprisingly calm considering the circumstances. I have moments of panic from time to time, and Saturday night I became a sobbing mess in Chris's arms but overall I am coping.
Chris is as ready as he is ever going to be for single fatherhood. We have everything figured out as far as finances and childcare go, I just hope he doesn't feed the kids Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls everyday lol! He will be fine, he has a hell of a support system! His folks have offered to pitch in. I know he can call my mom if he panics. Even BP's family is offering to help if he needs a break or to catch up housework. Knowing this gives me so much peace!
So now I want to run down a quick thank you list for some people I will miss the most!
1-Crispy of course. This has been the happiest year of my life, and the sacrifices you are getting ready to make?! I am humbled! Considering how happy we are now, can you imagine what it will be like once this isn't hanging over our heads? Let's get this over with and FINALLY get our lives started! I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the fishies in the sea, and the hairs on Ron Jeremy's chest!
2- My amazing Facebook friends! You guys make me all kinds of happy everytime you click like! Thanks for the validation!
3- My mom Lise who has helped me through some very tough spots and took care of me when I was losing it! Don't worry mom, your kid is a tough bitch!
4- My Mean Girls, the coolest, funniest bunch of homos ever! Our Facebook group has made me laugh, cry, and vomit! Remember I am STILL HBIC, even through a foot of concrete!
5- My twits on Favstar-there is something BADLY wrong with all of us, thanks for the stars! Remember, 1 star on favstar=20 likes on Facebook :)
6- My next door neighbor Patrick who will have Crispy's back and never complains when we borrow shit.
7- My ex-husband's family for accepting my decisions and only wanting what is best for my kids.
8- I can't believe I am saying this but... Thanks to Brandon. You were a Goddamn nightmare to date, but you led me to my soul mate. I regret nothing!
9- Last but not least all of my blog followers. You guys listened to me, offered help when I needed it and kept me going! (now at 19 months clean!)
In closing, I am going to enclose my address I will be at to start. Any letters would be welcome, this is going to be a tough transition! Just be sure you put a return address on the envelope or I won't get it!
Jamie Petitt
200 E Main St
Richmond, IN 47374
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Vacation time!

Well kittykats, one week from today the state of Indiana is going to own my ass. The good news is that I'm not freaking out like I could be.
My Crispy is on vacation so we can spend as much time together as possible. So far it has been great. We get to cuddle as much as we want (among other things ;) ), go do things when it's actually daylight outside, and create some memories for me to hold onto.
His sister is getting married June 11th and I was invited. So Crispy had the unenviable task of telling his mom why I can't attend. She took it surprisingly well once he explained the circumstances.
We were planning on going camping, but the weather doesn't look like it's gonna cooperate. Instead we are going to go pick up some fishing poles for the kids and go try to catch something. I love fishing but haven't been in years, and Allison never has. It should be really fun!
We have everything figured out for when I'm gone. The kids will be going to the Boy's and Girl's club while he works through the week. Then on Saturdays they will spend the day at their grandma's while Chris works his half day. This will also give him time to catch up on laundry etc.
He is a little scared at the prospect of single fatherhood, but I have every confidence he will do just great! If I had any doubts I sure as hell wouldn't leave my kids with him.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Letting go for him

Well guys I think we are at the end, I hope not but it sure feels that way.
I had so much hope that this would be it for me, but I think I'm getting ready to be alone again. Things have gotten progressively worse between Chris and I. I blamed it on being at the point where we annoy each other, but maybe I was delusional.
It seems that every morning something is said that pretty much makes me want to stay in bed all day. Things like "I hate you 90% of the time" or the all-time chart topper, "The only reason I stay with you is because I am afraid you will kill yourself if I break up with you."
I really don't get it. We have so much fun together and I am usually 100% confident that he really loves me, but how am I supposed to take statements like that?
Maybe I have been unfair to him. The pressure I have put on him is crushing, but then again he knew what he was signing up for.
So I am offering an option to him when he gets home, the option to walk away. I owe that to him and myself, I have no desire to be with someone who is there out of obligation. We both deserve better!
So as of now I am facing serious jail time, putting my kids in foster care, and losing the one man I have ever truly loved. This is what I got sober for?! Doesn't really seem worth it. If I make it through today in one sober piece it will be a blue-eyed miracle....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Can't have the good without the bad!

This morning is looking a LOT better! Thank you so much for the nice emails yesterday.
Chris and I spent the evening apart last night. He and his friend Bobby had to replace the brakes on our truck so they did the whole beer in the garage thing. I cooked dinner for them and was able to calm down and think.
Sometimes I forget that Chris is so much younger than I am. It usually doesn't make a difference, but in this case it does. I am the longest relationship he has had since high school. He used to average about 3 months per girl. So he is not used to the point in a relationship when you almost hate each other.
So I sat him down and talked about it. I told me we weren't always going to like each other, but love is fighting through the hard times and remembering why you fell in love to start with! So all is well.
I still can make him madder than any other human being, but I also make him laugh harder than anyone else can. I can be neurotic as all hell, but I also would use that to defend him to the death. Point is, we all have our good and bad sides. We are learning to accept the sweet with the sour. I'm not saying we are "fixed" but I think we have made a good start!
He is home sick with an awful headache today, so I am going to baby him today. He is SO worth it! I love you my Crispy!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Trouble in Paradise

Those of you that are my facebook friends know that I am a big joker. Did you ever hear about great comedians writing from a place of pain and insecurity? That is me in a nutshell.
It took me a while to get the guts to write this one. A lot of you said you would love to have a relationship like mine. Well kittykats, all is not well!
I can't put my finger on when it started happening, but things are strange. It is like I can feel a break up hurtling toward me like a freight train.
The closer I get to the date I have to go to prison, the more scared I get. It started out as little snide comments here and there, but it has escalated lately. Now it seems as if I can't go 24 hours without him saying, "I am so done with you" or "I can't wait until May 18th." It doesn't take very long to have these things really get to you. I have put all of my eggs in one basket and I am afraid it was a huge mistake.
The worst part is that after these things happen, he acts as if it never occurred. Maybe men are equipped to not remember cruel remarks but I am not.
Is this just growing pains after being together for a year? Is it both of our fears at what is coming? I have no idea but the thing I need most right now is a sense of security, and I have never felt more alone.
So for now I will continue to crack wise and act like life is beautiful. If things go wrong I have no idea what I will do! Probably just crawl into a gutter and die....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, April 11, 2011

How's it gonna be?

Last night I could not fall asleep, as per usual. I was thinking about the gnarly mess that is my romantic life.
BP gets out in August. We are still legally married, although he has been in prison for nearly two years. I guess this will sound insane and lazy, but I just never got around to it. I haven't felt married for a very long time so it didn't seem like I was. At the beginning of his incarceration I was kind of hedging my bets by not filing. I was new to the dating thing, a very scary thing after ten years!
After my first attempt with Stupid, I felt kind of relieved that I hadn't done it. I figured I at least had BP to fall back on. Even though I was terribly miserable, he was familiar and I am NOT good at being alone. Then along comes Chris....
He is utterly terrified that once BP gets out I am going to go back to him. I can't see that ever happening. Looking through Chris's eyes, I guess if the shoe was on the other foot I would be concerned too. Ten years is a hell of a thing.
What scares me the most is how BP and Chris are going to react to each other. Chris has a wee bit of a temper and he is a big, muscular farmboy. All BP has to do is say one thing wrong and Chris will pounce and destroy him. The worst part is, I will be in jail when this goes down.
I tell Chris we need to all get along. Like it or not BP is Brayden's father and not going anywhere. If anyone has any suggestions on negotiating this minefield, I would welcome it!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A taste of my own medicine

Well I had a painful awakening the other day! I realized how much my attitude might be hurting others.
I have this friend I have known forever, DH. Our parents were bffs, we used to take baths together, all that fun stuff! We grew up together in Hagerstown and we were misfits together. We lost touch for awhile in our early 20s, but reconnected when I ran into him here in Richmond. He was for all intensive purposes homeless, so I lent him our couch whenever he needed it. He drank a bit but beyond that he was pretty in control last time I checked.
We lost touch again when I moved to South Carolina for JK. I hadn't heard anything out of him for about 3 years. Then one night I saw him on Facebook, commenting on a mutual friend's status. I immediately sent a friend request as I wanted to see how he was. This is the response I got from him via fb message....
"I have gotten my life together and I heard through the grapevine that you have a heroin problem. I can't be around that. Good luck!"
At first I was just pissed until it started to sink in....
I have been clean for a year and a half, but how would he know that? Junkies are the best liars on earth, how was he to know I was not shooting up whilst making said friend request? He couldn't!
Of course you know how my mind works, always running in circles! It made me wonder how many of my old friends I have been unjustifiably suspicious of! How many people have I ignored for fear of temptation when they are just as clean as I am? It pains me to realize that I have made countless people unhappy with my judgements!
So what do I do, next time an old "friend" contacts me, do I give them the benefit of the doubt? Or would this be too risky for my sobriety? As usual, no easy answers...
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Got an interesting letter in the mail today.
Apparently my lawyer is going to be out of town Monday, so my court date is being pushed back AGAIN! I'm not sure when it's going to be rescheduled.
At first I was all excited and dancing around the house. You know how much I have been dreading this kittykats! Then inevitably my brain started going into overdrive.
I am at the point where I am so sick of this case that I just want to go to jail and get it over with. Chris and I are ready to get our lives going, but it's not going to happen as long as this is hanging over my head! Every time they is put this off, my release date gets farther away. I don't think the actual incarceration can be much worse than the dread of it!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, March 28, 2011

To Dwell Or Not To Dwell....

Panic mode set in again today as of 10:00 AM EST. I am now in the final week of my freedom.
I got my pre-sentencing investigation over with with the probation department. That is just basically asking you about your life story and circumstances to determine how big of a threat to society you are. Questions like, "When did you first smoke weed" and "Did you have a funny uncle?" I was so tempted to say, "He wasn't very funny, but he liked to put his hand down my pants!" Sadly I don't think an officer of the court would get my sense of humor.
So now I am staring at the clock thinking stupid things. Like this is the last time I will see 9:19 pm as a free woman for ten months. Yep I could use a xanax!
It just occurred to me that I might have a great untapped resource to help me get through this hell, you guys! Between the hundreds of regular readers here and my almost 1000 facebook friends, maybe I could hit a few of you guys up for an occasional letter? Comment here or on facebook to let me know if I am being too presumptuous.
I do pledge to keep writing while I am away, Chris will be posting for me from letters I will send so forgive any typos hehehehe! I am hoping I am going to grow as a writer through this, Lord knows I will probably have no shortage of material!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mending Fences

I had a great surprise yesterday guys! I got to make up with one of my good friends and I buried the hatchet after the stupidest feud in history!
My longtime readers need no reminder of the guy before Crispy and all the crap that happened. Well this old friend LW was the kick in the ass that I needed to move on. At the time it didn't seem like such a good thing.
One Friday last summer I spent the evening with the last guy (who I shall refer to as Stupid), we had been hanging out for a few months and I was under the mistaken impression that although we were not officially "together", we at least weren't sleeping with other people.
The next night we were both at E street pub watching a band play and LW showed up. It was great because she had moved across the country and I hadn't seen her forever! We had some drinks and were basically having a blast.
The night drew to a close and to my horror LW went home with Stupid. I gritted my teeth and remembered that he hadn't made any promises.
The night after that LW and I went to Mac's Place to sing karaoke. I was a bit sore, but I tried to have fun and enjoy seeing my old friend. She drug me into the bathroom and asked my permission to hook up with Stupid again. I guess it was nice of her to ask, albeit a bit awkward. I had talked to her about Stupid and how much I cared for him the whole time I had been seeing him.
So they started to talk about starting a relationship immediately. I had wasted all this time with Stupid and within 2 days he was "falling in love." Guess who he talked to about it? You guessed it!
So I fumed and got madder and madder the longer it went on. I thought it was a serious violation of girl code, so I let my mouth run away from me while talking to a mutual friend. Of course it got back to her, we defriended each other and didn't speak forever.
Yesterday I got to thinking about how she actually did me a favor. She made me see what a massive waste of time Stupid was. I might still be being used and miserable if she hadn't opened my eyes. After splitting with Stupid I told him he needed to hook me up with someone if he was done with me. I meant it as a joke, but 2 days later I got a phone call out of the blue. It was Crispy, and here I am today.
So I sent a heartfelt apology and she accepted it! We agreed never to fight like that again, especially over a douchebag like Stupid! True friends are too rare to throw away over a piece of ass! Especially one that in hindsight wasn't that great anyway....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Life Is Beautiful!

Wow what a day yesterday kittykats! I am pleased to tell you that the second Chris walked in he apologized. I think we are both just stressed out and scared about the future.
I think that was my first real negative post since the last idiot I dated. Remember those days dear readers?
I spent a big chunk of yesterday thinking about everything. After about 65 panic attacks it hit me, this is a HUGE waste of my energy. Why should I spend the last days I have left being upset and crying? So I slapped myself and snapped out of it!
I have so much to be happy about and it's time to enjoy it and save up as many memories as possible!
So I got off my butt, got out of my sweats, and bitched myself all up so I'd look good when Chris got home. The kids and I ran around outside playing with bubbles. I cleaned the house spotless and made some kick ass burritos for dinner. Sure enough I felt better than I have in a while.
Complacency and fear will never do you any favors. The best you can do is accept that some things are inevitable and take pleasure in what you can. I have a great man, awesome kids, and great friends! It's gonna be a rocky part of this rude girl's road but I'm going to keep walking and be a better person for it! The world will still be here when this is all over!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bad day!

Guys am I EVER in a mood today!
It's two weeks from today that I have to leave for "summer camp." The reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I have been ignoring this for the longest time. I guess I was hoping it was an "Inception" type thing and any moment someone in reality would give me a kick and I would wake up. No such luck....
Chris and I had the stupidest fight last night. It was totally over nothing. He was having trouble hooking up the TV to our computer and I was just tired and bitchy. I can't even remember what we were arguing about, that's how stupid it was. Long story short he slept on the couch and we haven't spoken since. We are both so goddamn stubborn that neither of us will admit we were wrong. What usually happens is that he comes home and acts like nothing ever happened.
There couldn't be a worse time for us to be angry with each other. I think we need to spend as much good time with each other as we can and strengthen our relationship because we are getting ready to go through the test of our lives.
This stress has an unfortunate side effect. For the first time in a long time, I REALLY want to use! I have caught myself making all the excuses that addicts make right before they relapse. "If I do it just once, I'll be OK." "I'm going to be gone anyway, what does it matter?" Luckily I have enough experience to know this is just me lying to myself. I have been down that road and I know where it ends, nowhere good! So I am hanging in there, but it's not easy.
I really thought that after all this time I would be "cured." It goes to show you that no matter how much clean time you have in, heroin can come out of nowhere and try to seduce you. Numbness sounds appealing right now but it's not worth the price I would pay!
So dear readers I ask for all your prayers and good energy. I believe I am strong enough to make it through this, but support never hurt anyone!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, March 18, 2011

That's What I Get For Being Nice......

Warning, if you are squeamish or easily offended, I recommend skipping this one!
Will someone please just slap me for being too nice. Something happened last week to make me want to turn into a ruthless bitch!
A bit of background, if you are a follower you will remember V and WM. I introduced them to each other and they have been together for 3 years and have a baby girl. Until recently....
V had been cheating on WM unbeknowst to him. Things came to a head one night after V came home late. WM wanted to fool around and ended up pulling a USED CONDOM out of her. I cannot imagine finding out like that, how horrible! Needless to say he split!
She ended up moving in with the guy she cheated with. I am not sure of the specifics but for some reason she had to leave his house because it was too small for both their families. So she had nowhere to go.
She begged Chris and I to stay with us for a couple weeks. We were reluctant as she is an addict and I didn't know how strong I could be. Finally after much discussion we decided we had to help for the sake of the 2 little girls she has.
So her boyfriend lugged her crap over and my household grew by 3. There were problems the very first night. I felt as if I was the one taking care of her kids, and the first night she was here she ended up sleeping with my neighbor.
Daytime was not much better. I would watch her girls while she was running "errands" which is a fancy way of saying "scoring dope." That part didn't bother me gladly. I never even considered doing any. Then came the death blow of a 15 year friendship with a girl who was like a sister.
The third day she was here I slept in after getting the kids off to school. Early that afternoon I called to check the balance on my debit card. It was supposed to be $60, there was $0. No one else had been in the house but Crispy. What conclusion would you draw?
I understand why she did it. I have been there, done that. There is no greater con artist than a drug addict just starting to feel dope sick. I lied, stole, and cheated for a long time to afford my $60 a day habit. Regardless Crispy have settled into a nice normal, lower middle class life and I won't let anyone jeopardize that. So I threw her out.
I heard that she gave the girls to family members and is trying to get clean. I hope and pray she does, will you as well dear readers.
I pray that she comes through OK and can be my sister again! As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!

Hey kittykats! Hope you got the Get Him To The Greek reference! It's been a long time!
Crispy and I unplugged for awhile to save money and try to accumulate some junk. It worked well.
It's hard to get used to this. In my past every time I would buy something of value, it would be carted off by BP to the pawn shop within 48 hours! It feels almost unfair that once everything came together I am getting ready to go away.
Yes dear readers I have gotten a sentencing date. April 4th is when I go to prison over this stupidity! I will be gone for 10 months. I just broke down and signed the plea. I was fearful it would be much worse if I didn't!
Well kittykats, remembering that I have 3 weeks left has given me a massive headache. Gonna go make home movies of the kids riding their bikes, that should cheer me up! More to come.....
As always thanks for listening and God bless!