Friday, July 9, 2010

A bit of luck at last!!!

Well readers, my court case is grinding slowly through our legal system. As much as I wish it would just vanish between court dates, the pesky bastard sticks around.
Everyone I have talked to regarding my case believes my innocence as whole-heartedly as I do. I hope when the time comes things will be resolved in the way they should be. Yesterday things took a BIG step in the right direction.
My first public defender quit the PD office so they assigned me another from the pool. Kemp is a pretty good lawyer, so I was excited about that.
I had a pretrial yesterday. all those are (for any readers lucky enough to be unfamiliar) is a date to go to the judge before your trial and let him know what progress is being made. The process was restarting for me due to the lawyer thing of course, so I am on borrowed time right now!
Well when I got there I was informed that they were changing my lawyer AGAIN! A lawyer with a private practice here in Richmond decided to take a few cases to help out and they picked mine as one of them. This is an INCREDIBLE stroke of good luck. This lawyer is very expensive which equals very good! I am hoping he will know how to prove my innocence in this so I can finally move on. It feels a bit strange to have the last connection I have with my husband be a court case, but LIFE is strange sometimes, isn't it?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Cannot sleep, therefore I write!

Well my spirits keep rising and rising. Maybe I am a wee bit manic right now, but it happens, and it gives me a great chance to catch up on housecleaning and writing.
I hope this is not the case, I am REALLY hoping it's my brain getting right. I have also been able to help a couple of people with some problems so that always makes me feel good. Tonight I would like to talk about one of these people because I hope he NEVER gives up.
We'll just call him Jr. because even initials might violate his privacy. He is a young guy who is just starting in the AA program. He is just a baby in my eyes, but has already dealt with a lifetime of trauma. I can't even tell you the obstacles this kid has overcome. Wish I could but again, privacy!
I admire him so much because despite his youth he has already realized he has a problem. He has tried to quit before with little success, but he keeps trying regardless. WOW, can I ever relate to that?!
I guess my point is this, whether you are 18, 33, or 80 it is never too late to give yourself up as a lost cause. I cannot surrender to what life has thrown at me. So I've had it a bit tough, everyone has their own demons to overcome. Hearing other people's stories gives me hope. I think there is a happy ending out there for each of us. It just might take a while and a few wrong turns to get there! When I feel like giving up, I just look at my beautiful children and know I will be OK, if only for their sake!
For now, my road is going in the right direction, and I am thankful for that!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A MUCH better day today!

Apparently I scared some people yesterday with my post, sorry guys, not my intention.
I think what has been going on in my head is the whole being sober thing. This is the longest stretch I have had in a while. I am no expert but I think I am going to parrot something back to myself that I used to say to my husband when he was at his worst.
It has been so long since I have thought clearly that feeling sober is COMPLETELY abnormal to me. They say that your brain chemistry becomes altered after you abuse your body so much. The first couple of weeks were awful. The good news is that every day when I wake up I feel a little bit better, and a little bit more positive. I hope that this trend continues.
I have not updated anyone on the kiddos lately, but they are doing great! Brayden is going to summer school every day to improve his reading skills. He enjoys it most of the time and I am hopeful that he will be ready to start second grade next month.
Allison is still as rotten as ever, but has improved her listening skills quite a bit this summer. I swear sometimes she has the attention span of a gnat!
I do not deserve all that has been given to me, but I am grateful for it anyways. Even through the hard times my little family has remained close. This is something that I never had growing up, so it's important that my kids have it!
Still here, still sober, still standing, and staying strong!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, July 5, 2010


Sorry about my brief disappearing act. It's been a LONG weekend. Nothing I can really share with you dear readers, but suffice it to say my mood has brought on self imposed lockdown yet again.
I really need to come up with better coping skills than I have right now. The meetings aren't really helping this time around. I sit there and listen, but when it comes around to me, I just say, "pass." I am standing on the edge of a cliff and it's only going to take one little nudge to make me fall. This time I don't think I'll be able to crawl out. I just have this feeling deep down that this is truly my last chance.
I have tried to let people into my life (my real life, not my cyber one) and it seems to blow up in my face every single time. For someone who has gone through as much as I have, I sure can be naive!
One of my friends from high school suggested that I look into my own spirituality. This sounds well and good, but I have been a diehard agnostic for so many years I would not even know where to begin. I have always thought that religion was something created 1000s of years ago to keep people in control. I would like to believe that there is something beyond this world, but I can't bring myself to buy into it. Perhaps "nihilist" is a better description of my beliefs.
Not much more to say right now. This is not my best post, but being as bummed out as I am plays hell with my writing abilities!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My First 21st Century Breakup

Well I did the one thing I swore I would never do. I ended a relationship online. This was not my intention, so please bear with me!
I realized after seeing this guy for a couple of weeks that as far as our life lines went, we were on TOTALLY different paths. I could tell he wanted a wife, kids, the whole 9 yards! These are things I cannot provide. So I thought the gentlest thing to do would be to cut things off before it was too late. He would have been hurt in the end and I thought I was being kind by ending it now.
I probably made an error in how I timed things. the first thing I did was change my fb status to single. He saw it ASAP and asked me what was up. I asked him to give me a few minutes to explain myself via email. Do you think that happened? Before 10 minutes had passed there were posts all over my wall, some of which were petty and mean.
So now we are doing the silent treatment. I am not going to get upset over wanting what is best for my kids and myself. At the end of the day, if it is not good for my terrible twosome, I am not going there! If it hurts another I am deeply sorry, but my kids will ALWAYS come first! Is a few minutes too much to ask?
As always, thanks for listening and God Bless!

Friday, July 2, 2010


This has got to be the hardest day I have had so far in my new sobriety. I am gritting my teeth and ready to punch a wall (or anyone who crosses me)
Sitting here with exactly enough money for a pint in my pocket. It has not bothered me until today.
Some of my fb friends have heard me mention AC, my landlord's psychotic granddaughter. She has set out on a campaign of terror trying to get me to move. You see in her twisted viewpoint if I go, then Granny will let her move in here and live rent free so she can be a doped out jackass happily ever after.
At first it was subtle little digs at me, trying to get a reaction. Like asking me how I have dealt with being with a drug dealing loser of a husband for 10 years, as if her taste in men is any better. I am the only one allowed to insult him. He is still my husband and the father of my kids, so naturally I love him and will not allow anyone to step on him. She would stop by the house asking me if I wanted any heroin as she was going to go get some for herself, knowing that I was clean and trying to remain so. I mean this chick is so screwed up in the head she was shooting up heroin 2 weeks before she gave birth. The only reason she was able to keep her child is because she went to the methadone clinic right before she had her baby. Apparently THAT is better according to the state. It makes me sick that some people can't control themselves for 9 months. This is someones ENTIRE life you are gambling with.
Still I was kind to this girl. I have watched her 2 year old son for for free while she ran around doing God knows what. She was about to be evicted from her last apartment because it was so nasty. Rotted food and dirty diapers EVERYWHERE, including on the kitchen counter where they prepared food. Although it gagged me to even walk into the place I spent a whole afternoon cleaning JUST the kitchen out. It took three hours.
Then things escalated from there. She was calling my landlord saying that a maroon car was out front for just a few minutes at a time so she was sure I was making drug deals. That car belongs to my husband's 74 year old grandmother.
There is one person who I am not allowed to have over TH. I don't want her here anyway because she is from the past that I am trying to forget. When I was in detox last week, she was the only person I knew who had a car. You see I wanted to have some pictures of my kids and of course I could not leave the ward. So I offered to pay her $5 to bring them to me.
Wednesday came around and TH knocked on my door. I opened up, handed her the $5 and she went on her merry way. Well not 30 seconds after she left I got a phone call from my landlord. Her granddaughter had called her and said she saw a drug deal go down. Landlord was HIGHLY upset, but I explained the situation and told her she could call Reid to confirm my story if she wanted to. So that seemed settled.
The next night AC and her little sister pounded at my door at 10:30 PM. They informed me with gleeful looks on their faces that I was evicted and had to be out in two weeks. I was hysterical, naturally. I called a good friend of mine who calmed me down considerably as he could look at things objectively and pointed out that there was no cause for eviction.
The next day my husband's grandma called my landlord to find out what was going on, and she was CLUELESS! She sure had not given them permission to evict me. I was told to just ignore her. I wish it was that easy, but she is living on the other side of the duplex. Today she brought my kids into it.
Allison came in crying her eyes out a little bit ago. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that AC's son had told her that he is not allowed to play with her anymore. When she asked why he said, "My mommy says your family is trash and she is going to make sure you get kicked out so I can have my old room back." (AC and her family lived here before I did.)
If you can't tell I am so mad right now I could murder. Have whatever problems with me that you want, but don't drag my kids into it. It is lucky for her she is not home right now. So all this stress is making me want to drink, but you know what? The stupid whore is not worth throwing my sobriety away for! She'll get hers, karma is a bitch!
Sorry this was a going-off post, but it makes me feel better to get it off my chest. So dear readers, what would you do to AC if you were me?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

New look, new outlook!

Well dear readers, I just redesigned the old blog! Got a little tired of how it looked so I thought I would switch it up a bit.
Quite a bit going on in my world, but luckily nothing too tragic for once! I am now on day #13 free of alcohol. It's not too bad most of the time, especially during the day and early evening. I am way to busy to think about drinking! Nighttime is always the hardest. The good news is that the liquor store closes at 11. If I can hang in there for that long, temptation is swept right away, at least until the next day!
No, the major new development is that I am dating again. I have been seeing a very nice guy who treats me very well. It's kind of refreshing as long as he is not too nice. Herein lies the rub....
I worry about dating someone whose goals are so different from my own. Not the where-you-end-up-professionally kind of goals, the BIG ones. Family, marriage, and everything that comes with it. We enjoy each other's company, but when we were at dinner tonight I mentioned the fact that I will never get married again EVER. Not for any reason! I'm sure he thought I didn't see, but his face fell a bit when I said that. It is nothing against any one man in particular, there are several reasons I am against it. The top three:
1- I obviously tried at it and failed. Not once, but TWICE
2- I flat out refuse to get married as long as my LBGT brothers and sisters are not afforded the same right.
3- I believe that the institution of marriage is in and of itself a blatant violation of the separation of church and state. Once again, see reason #2
So there is one problem. The second one and this one is a BIGGIE! After I had Allison, the doctors decided it would be way too dangerous for me to have another child due to a predisposition to eclampsia (high blood pressure for you menfolk who do not know) So I had a tubal ligation, which mean no kids ever again. I am fine with this as I have no desire to ever go there again.
Adoption is a great and noble thing, but it is a biological instinct to want to have your own child. If you have that opportunity and you are ready, I say go for it! Have a baby. I have no interest in limiting anyone's options, especially when it is such a big decision. Bad things can come out of that! You might look back and think of all the years you wasted with someone who would not give you the one thing you wanted more than anything.
So this is where my head is right now. Luckily the poor guy understands that I have a lot going on right now. I made no promises of when I would figure things out. I hate to say it but that is pretty far down on my list. Number one is ALWAYS the kids and number two is keeping my sobriety going. I'm thinking that I might not have room in my head for anything else. My heart is always open and willing to do anything I can for my family and friends, but I just don't need any more stress. It seems like it follows me around though.
Not gonna think too hard on it. Tomorrow is another day, and I am going to try to see Eclipse (yeah, I haven't made it yet) If that does not pan out I'm going to move a date I have with my kids on Saturday. Three words: Toy Story 3!!!!!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!