Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Goodbye Richmond?

I had a little bit of bad news the other night. I was hoping to parole to BP's grandparents when I get out in 47 days. It turns out that that isn't going to happen, so I have no where to go in Richmond.

When they said no, I just wanted to die. I have prided myself on being strong through this whole ordeal, but I broke down and sobbed right there in the day room in front of everyone. What was I going to do? As much support as I get from my online community, it's not like I would ask if I could move in with you! Then I dried my eyes and straightened my spine and started thinking about what this could mean for me....

I think I'm going to stay here in Indianapolis.

I have a really good job here. Granted I could transfer to the O'Charley's in Richmond, but the money wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is here. There are a lot more resources here that would help me get back on my feet. When Crispy left me he left me with nothing, so I'm at square one. I am planning on looking in the Irvington area since it's fairly close to where I work.

The only bad part is that it's going to take me a little longer to get the kids back with me. I gave legal guardianship to their great-grandparents while I was gone. With Brayden being on SSI we had to do it like that since I couldn't be his payee while I was locked up. The grandparents are ready for me to take over, but we have to do it the legal way. So I have to spend x amount of parenting time with them before I regain custody. No problem there. I'll get a clunker that will survive the trip.

I hate that it's going to be a little longer until we are reunited permanently, but I think this is in the kids' best interests. It will be hard in the short term, but in the long run, I think we'll be fine.

I will miss Richmond. It's been home for me most of my adult life and I am used to it. But with the drugs and violence that have the city on it's knees, I think it's time to go.

It is like when I got fired from my job. I was so upset at the time, but in hindsight it's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's what I needed to force me to be courageous and make a positive change in my life. Now I have a job that I love. I'm really hoping that fate is pulling the same trick in regards to my living situation. Stay tuned.

If any of my readers can offer suggestions about housing, cheap furniture, vehicles etc please message me or DM me.

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Getting Out

Well guys, I just haven't had the time to blog about the whole prison experience, but believe me when I tell you it has been an trip. I am planning on catching up on everything when I get out.

For now, I am trying to prepare for my release. I have 54 days left. Seeing as I started with well over 300 days, it seems like it's right around the corner. How do I feel about it?

I'm scared shitless.

Everything pretty much went away while I was gone. As most of you know, Crispy dumped me. He left the house we shared along with all of my posessions. The story is that the house was broken into when he wasn't there and they took everything. I have a hard time believing it. I'm thinking he just walked away. He moved on immediately. It hurts pretty bad that he was able to forget me that easily, because I'm having a hard time forgetting him.

At the same time, after rereading some of my blog posts, I can see that he was pretty awful to me. That's an advantage to blogging. You can reread things with a bit more clarity after some time has passed. Sometimes what you discover about yourself is painful and cringe-inducing, but as long as you are honest while writing you can learn something.

So once I get out, I have no earthly idea where I'm going to go. I am for all intensive purposes homeless. My family is all gone aside from my birth mother. She would do anything in the world for me, but she lives all the way in Minnesota and I obviously can't go there. I don't have any friends that I am close enough with that I can ask to parole to them. So as of now, I am clueless.

I have to find somewhere to stay, then immediately work on getting my own place so I can get the kids settled again. They are in guardianship with BP's grandparents right now, and I'm so glad. They have had a stable loving household while I have been gone. But it's time to come back to mommy! I just have to make sure everything is set up for them. Between me going away and their father popping back in their life and then ditching them to run off with an 18 year old, I think they have had enough trauma in their life. I want them to feel secure, because they sure haven't for the last year. When I think of everything they have gone through, I just want to die. They have handled it all like champs, but who knows the long term damage?

I'm hoping the job thing will work out in my favor. I am working at O' Charley's here in Indy and am hopeful that I can transfer to the Richmond store upon my release.

So for now, I will continue to grow my ulcers and be hopeful that me making the right decisions will pay off in spades! As always, thanks for listening and God bless!