Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A VERY VERY close call today!

Thank you for your patience during my brief sabbatical. Let me fill you in on my weekend...
I had a good night on Friday. Hung out with a friend of mine and all seemed well. As I mentioned before my guest stars, I DID drink a little (I promised 100% honesty) but not enough to even be drunk. I KNOW, it's not an excuse, but I didn't wake up drunk sick or even with the desire to drink Saturday. I stayed home on Saturday with my kiddos because of their dad getting shipped off. They needed Mommy's comfort and my assurances that I was going to be there even if Daddy wasn't. What a swell position to be put in huh? Thus began my 3 days of hell....
Sunday started out average enough, until the evening rolled around. For some reason one of my best friends has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why. If I had a drunken lost weekend I could understand if I did something idiotic, but I was home and did nothing. So there's another layer to my depression.
Monday was just a lonely kinda day. No phone calls, no invites to go to anyone's house for Memorial Day, nothing. I had fun playing with my kids and I am grateful for that, but I was craving grown up company. It happens and I hope that doesn't make me less of a mother. The evening rolled around and my best friend was still ignoring me.
So obviously I woke up Tuesday in a DEEP funk. The self hate and doubt were creeping back in again. I started my self pitying crap and then I got the phone call.
It was my old dealer saying that he had some fire ass dope and would I like any? I lied at first and said I was totally broke but then he said the 4 most dangerous words a heroin addict can hear, "You want a tester?"
I immediately started sweating and trying to make excuses to myself about how I could do it just this one time. I literally went insane for about 15 seconds. Then I actually took my palm and hit myself in the head and said I would have to call him back. Then I started distracted myself.
The list of what I did to keep my mind off the possibility of free dope today...
1-Walked 12 blocks to CVS and picked up a hair highlighting kit
2-used said kit
3-plucked my eyebrows
4-took an hour long bath
5-waxed my legs
6-made crafts with my kids
7-played in baby pool with kids
8-watched Glee
9-spent WAY too much time on facebook!
10-left the phone off the hook most of the day!
Maybe these weren't the best coping mechanisms, but they got me through today, and I feel good about it. It just goes to show no matter how much clean time you have in, relapse is just a breath away. The gnawing in my gut has subsided and I'm pretty sure I'm good now. Plus I lost his phone number so I couldn't get ahold of him if I wanted to! I know that is a nonissue, I could get something right now if I wanted. It's my kids and you guys that keep me from doing so!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

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