Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Anatomy of a Relapse, and How I Avoided it!

I would like to start this post by thanking all of you wonderful people for the umpteenth time for how much you have cared about me and my poor excuse for writing.
I am still not drinking. I had a very proud moment this afternoon as far as this part of my road goes. I had to go to my neighbor's house for some insignificant reason or another and I was sitting on the couch talking to the mom when the son came bounding down the stairs. He had a big smile on his face and something hidden behind his back.
It was a pint of vodka he had bought me as a present. His mother is a bit of a pack rat (well maybe more than a bit, have you seen Hoarders on A&E?) I have been trying to help her out whenever I had spare time. So there I am with 7 days of sobriety having a standoff with my best friend/worst enemy. Looking at that seemingly innocuous clear liquid I could actually physical feel what the first taste like. The smell of rubbing alcohol that assaults your nose as you take that first sip and the burning in your throat as it goes home. Then one usually has to fight for the first couple of minutes just to keep it down. The feeling passes, so we repeat said steps until you feel that lovely warmth in your stomach. This is the point of no return for me personally. It wasn't so much what one would get feel "getting trashed and partying" for yours truly. With me it was like all the sharpness of the world was softer and every problem that made life seem like it was over was easily manageable. I always had the answers! Then I would wake up the next morning with absolutely no recognition of the prior evening's "brilliance." Once again I had failed to cure AIDS or end our dependence on foreign oil damn it.
It seemed to me like time had slowed to a crawl, but in reality only 10-15 seconds had passes. When I finally opened up my mouth, guess what I said? NO! I could barely believe it myself. I stayed for a few more minutes but left without so much as a drop of vodka in my system or on my clothes. I won't lie and say the rest of the day did not almost break me but I just remembered that if I was able to say no under those circumstances, that I have a real shot of beating this.
I still awaiting word on how I might be able to attend an outpatient program so I learn not only how to identify trigger and avoid bad situations, but also maybe I can dig deep enough to find enough why I want to hurt myself like this to start with!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Having a sad bastard kinda day

A little advice? When trying to stay sober perhaps listening to Belle and Sebastian on repeat is not the best idea!
I have a big concern about these weird pills they have me take. Sure they help with my anxiety, but I feel like less of myself. I am famous for my facebook quips and anymore when I try to think of something clever, all I see is fog. So all 677 of you, I am sorry.
Today is advocate day, so cross your fingers that my Medicaid comes through. I am not lazy, I want to work SO badly, but when your husband is prison until 2012, it ain't easy. By the time I pay for daycare it's not worth it. With my son's autism, he needs me around anyways.
I was chatting with a friend that means a lot to me last night and he suggested that perhaps I am being a bit self pitying, perhaps he is right, but I know I am meant for more than this. I have a Mensa card in my wallet for Chrissakes! So let's see what happens today and go from there.
Sorry this is a crap post, but like I said, the meds make me feel a bit foggy!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Encouragement is nice, negativity is not!

I woke up today feeling pretty positive. I got a phone call from an advocate from Reid who thinks that can help me FINALLY Medicaid. This would mean I can get medical care and possibly get outpatient treatment for my addictions. Then I saw a comment from my last post and my soul deflated.
I have not been perfect, not by a long shot. I am a binge drinker and I get out of control. I am working on that, which is why I am still in jammy bottoms so I can fight the urge until a meeting later tonight. Yet again, the ostrich method!
The comment informed me that I am one of the most ungrateful people he has ever known. The clincher? This is my stepfather.
As you all know I was adopted as a baby and just reconnected with my birth mother last November shortly before my mom died.
I was sober at the time and things seem well. But then I had a nasty relapse. I ended up lying and deceiving this poor lady. I was an awful person as addicts are.
It may be too much to ask, and I don't deserve it but I beg for her forgiveness. I have no family other than my kids.
I need my mom right now! I am doing the best I can, and have not had a drink in 4 days. How long does forgiveness take?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

I'm still here!

Had to make a new trip to Reid last night, but no worries, not because of drinking!
I had a nasty panic attack and was just flipping out.
It's hard to sober up and realize that self-medication was a problem! This is exactly what my friend BW said, and he is SO right. Once the alcohol wore up, all the other problems came right back.
So I may be sporadic for a while in my writing as I am trying to adjust to my new meds. As of now they have me on something called Vistiral, and believe me it makes me feel weird! You know my dream about playing a zombie in a George Romero movie? Well I'm ready for my close up Mr DeMille.
I want to once again thank all of my friends who were there this weekend. In hindsight I am a bit freaked that I just put it all out there, but now I TRULY know who more friends that I could imagine!
I usually use aliases on here, but these people DESERVE for the world to know how great they are! Angel Selby for helping find me a ride to the hospital has mad love from me! Angela Bruner for taking me in and listening to me cry (plus the almighty cigarette hunt) I was so sorry to see you in such bad health! Last but not least Eric Herzog, who knows how messed up I can be but thinks I am amazing anyway, can't wait to see you on Wednesday.
OF COURSE my fb friends for all the encouragement and birthday wishes.
Like I said I am newly medicated, so I am sure bits and pieces of this might sound odd, but they say I will adjust soon.
One last thing, thanks for all the comments, you can write directly on this site or via networked blogs. The comments DO help. I love you all!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, June 21, 2010

They told me to go to rehab-I said yes,yes,yes

This is quite the departure for me. I usually just type these out, but now I put pen to paper. Allow me to explain why.
I am currently in Adult Inpatient Psychiatric Services at Reid. The whole mess started on Friday. I was upset over something I do not wish to speak about.
Thus began Jamie's pattern of excess. Drink till I pass out, wake up, repeat cycle. Plus in my infinite wisdom my friend offered me some Klonipans, and I took them. I was half lit by the time I got to the bar. My old friends were buying me shots of Patron left and right. I was GONE. I have a few flashed through the night, but not much.Somehow, not sure exactly how, I made it home in one piece. I was alone so at least that was a positive. I sat down by my computer and looked down to see about a fifth of vodka. Was I smart enough to call it a night? Of course not! So at roughly 3:30 AM my roommate flipped out and called 911. I was transported to Reid and when they checked, my BAC was .35. I truly should be dead right now.
I have tried over and over to quit on my own but it's never worked. My liver is hard and painful. I believe it's time to give my problem over to God.
Today was not easy but the nurses were really great and they had me on blood pressure meds and anti-anxiety pills, so that took the edge off.
Next step, figuring out the roots of my illness. Thanks for your continuing support!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Screwed up again!!!

I jut woke up after my day bdayparty with NO idea what happened, I am covered w/ sharpie and I have no idea what happened!
! should not have gone out. Someone fill me in?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Death right next door

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I heard gunshots ring out right next to my head...
Apparently someone I did not know very well (but a good bud to other friends) decided it was the end of it all. So we have a suicide on the south side! I feel so much for his family and friends as I have been there before. At the same time, there is nothing anyone could have done...
My heart cries for these poor people I would like to say it gets easier in time, but that would make me a liar. All I can say is to stay strong as there is NOTHING you could have done! If you need anything I will be here for you, for good or ill!!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Go shorty it's your birthday...

Well my 33rd birthday is coming up on Monday!
I am split between being proud of everything I have accomplished and feeling sorrowful for everything I have not. Is this a typical feeling?
My life has been so full that I am utterly exhausted. I am ready for a long breath and a bit of calm but between my pending court case and my daily struggle to stay sober, it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen anytime soon.
I am hoping that this weekend might give me a bit of a break. I feel SO honored that my friends love me enough to try to throw me a party! I am scared to death I will show up and no one will be there but I know I am being stupid about it. Hell, we almost got Michael Lohan to show up! (Long story guys)
So everyone who will be there, can't wait to see you! Four words...COED NAKED SPRINKLER RUN!!!!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Jesus is burning!

Interesting day today in my neck of the woods.
I am sure that many of you have heard this but those who haven't here's a quick recap...
About a half hour from where I live there is a mid-sized town called Hamilton. Right outside of said town, there is one of those new fangled mega churches. Someone got the bright idea to build a six-story Jesus in front of it to "bring hope and inspiration." I know nothing inspires me quite like tacky roadside monuments. I have been by this monstrosity quite a few times and while it made me throw up in my mouth a bit, it never inspired me to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness!
We have had quite a few violent thunderstorms here in the midwest the last couple of weeks or so. Last night there was a particularly nasty one.
I'm not sure if it was Satan, Thor, or Zeus, but someone decided that the mega-Jesus was due for a good smiting. A lightening bolt hit it and I watched in utter amusement on live TV as Jesus burnt to the ground.
They are now saying they are going to resurrect Jesus at the bargain price of only $700,000! If the evangelist's knew it was that cheap, Armageddon would have started years ago!
I find myself offended by this! If you are a church dedicated to helping others, don't you think the money would be better used I don't know, maybe HELPING THE POOR! They say it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, not sure what the scriptures say about a church building a gaudy monument!
The most ironic part of this strange tale? Across the road from this monument to excess is an adult bookstore, it was untouched!
As always thanks for listening and God bless! (or 6 story Jesus bless!)

My brush with greatness

I was talking to my friend MM last night on facebook. Her brother was on the show "The Singing Bee" and it reminded me that I had not talked about my brush with network TV!
Back in 2008 it was campaign fever all around as I am sure you remember. I was living with WM on 7th street and was at the worst of my alcoholism. Nothing exciting ever happens here in Richmond, so I was surprised when I picked up the paper one morning and saw that Bill Clinton was making a stop here to campaign for Hilary!
I flipped out because I am a big Bill fan. My life was pretty prosperous when he was the president! So I made arrangements for WM to get Allison off the bus and headed to the Richmond fire station #1. I arrived 4 hours early since I knew it would be a mob scene. I was 3rd in line to get in.
It was surreal, there were snipers all over the rooftops and serious looking men in dark suits talking into their wrists. Richmond had turned from a mid-sized boring town to something pulled out of an episode of 24!
I waited FOREVER! In the meantime the media had descended upon the fire station. I was interviewed by 3 different networks. Since I was at the front of the line, they picked us to talk to. I tried to sound clever, not sure if it worked, but I WAS on the evening news. I still have it on VHS where my late mother taped it, and my kids get the biggest kick out of seeing mommy on TV.
They finally let us into the firehouse after frisking us and running us through metal detectors. I was in the very front row next to some soldiers. They got priority of course! They passed out campaign signs and we waited.
Bill was about an hour late, and by the time he got there the seething mass of humanity had elevated the temperature to about 110 degrees. People were fainting all over the place. I felt dizzy as all hell but I hung tough.
Finally they cut off the crappy campaign music and there he was! Bill is SO handsome in person, the TV does him no justice, I had an instant crush. He moved along the front row glad handing everyone. I'm sure if a parent was stupid enough to bring a baby into this boiler room he would have kissed it.
He finally got to me. He reached out and shook my hand and said, "How are you young lady?" He actually spoke to me! I spit out the first thing that popped into my head which was, "I'll be a lot better when Bush is out of office!" He chuckled and winked at me. Then he moved down the line.
I can't remember the specifics of his speech, but it was GOOD! That man could charm the birds out of the trees. He spoke for about 45 minutes and then he was gone. I fought through the crowd and burst outside to get some fresh air.
Two side notes to this story, I was shit-faced drunk the entire time and I voted for Obama!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I feel so powerless!

I write this post with a heavy heart. As my facebook friends already know JK (from earlier posts) had been missing for over a month.
A bit of a quick recap for new readers, JK and I grew up together in Hagerstown. We were together off and on for more than half my life. I would even go as far as to call him my soul mate. If it wasn't for the drinking...
See, he is hands down the worst alcoholic I have ever known. When I decided to get sober and get my shit together the first time I left him and South Carolina behind me, painful as it was and still is.
We never really stopped talking. Although we lived 1000 miles away from each other we talked on the phone several times a week. We always ended the conversations with I love you, and it was the truth.
Mid-March he broached the subject of his moving back here to Indiana to give it another shot. JK was looking for a job online and said all I had to do was say the word and he would be here. I agonized over this for so many hours. I was hanging out with someone else at this point because frankly I had given up on JK. I was afraid if he came back I would just end up drowning in a sea of vodka again, and I probably would have.
I put off the conversation for as long as I could, but one day he told me he needed an answer. It shredded my heart to do so, but I said no. He vanished a couple days later.
Since then I have posted his picture on facebook and sent 1000 emails to mutual friends praying he was OK. I never got any answers until now. I am not a big fan of copy-n-paste, but I received this email from his mom....
"JK is the worst he has ever been. i have not seen him or heard from him for months. he sleeps in people's backyards gets arrested, few hours later he is back on the streets. SE and her girlfriend found him passed out in a creek two days ago. SE found him the other day passed out near a large ant mound (these are horrible biting ants) and they drug him off, went and got some antibiotic creme and had to cover his whole body with it. he knows his son will be here shortly and he said (while drunk) "i want to start my life over with no responsibilities". he specifically said he did not want me in his life. all i have done is taken care of him. supported him, clothed him and his son, fed him and his son and i even send his ex money because won't work to send any support. i am afraid i am going to bury him. Jamie, i don't know what to do." (of course I plugged in the generic names and initials)
How do I handle that?! Is it my fault that he went on this spiral because I rejected him? Or was it inevitable? I have no idea, but guilt is killing me regardless. If anybody has any words of wisdom or opinions on the matter I would love to hear them. You can comment on here or I am always available via facebook.
Today is his birthday, so for now I'm going to try and quell the wracking sobs and instead say a prayer for him. Will you please join me?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Back into the shark tank

Well the time has come for me to begin my search for the elusive "one"!
This as you know is not my first foray into the territory since my last marriage ended. I tried just hanging out with someone and that ended disastrously. Things got more than a little weird! I never felt like I could be myself and was forever afraid that he would take everything I said the wrong way. True I was infatuated for a minute, but that was a VERY brief minute! I will miss having him as a friend in the worst way, but it seems he would always be wondering if I was in love with him or wanting more than I had.
I moved on from that a while back and decided to take a bit of time to get my priorities straight and try to figure out what I REALLY want in a man! I have a bit of an advantage because this blog is like a built in pre-screener. I'll give an interested guy the link and say, "Read this, if you are still interested afterwards, let me know!" It saves a lot of stupid getting to know you chit-chat and it lets them know exactly what they are getting into, good and bad!
Another advantage is that they know I do write and I refuse to censor myself, if they have a problem with that they can walk on. This blog is a tool to help me maintain my sobriety, and that is the 2nd most important thing on earth to me right now.
Allow me to intrigue you, there is someone that has passed the test that I am interested in. He's someone I have known my whole life, so I know he's not a bastard. He enjoys my writing and gets my messed up sense of humor and thinks I am beautiful to boot! I am hoping against all hope he comes out to my birthday shindig next week. Stay tuned!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

The Ostrich Method

I have been trying out a new form of rehab that I have dubbed "The Ostrich Method."
Whenever I feel temptation creeping up on me I just put myself on self imposed lockdown and hope that will be enough.
I have considered going back to AA/NA meetings but I can't bring myself to walk the 20 feet across the streets to actually attend one. For someone who is so outgoing I have the worst time at these meetings. It's a combination of shame for every relapse and reluctance to admit I let my problem go as far as it did. It's easy for me to type about it but actually speaking the words is another creature entirely!
I know that most of the people at the meetings have secrets that are more shameful than mine, but it doesn't make mine any easier to carry. There is a meeting tonight so I think I'm just gonna suck it up and walk my happy ass over to the 228 club! It did help the last time I had a good stretch going. I hope it will again!
On a happier note two of my bffs from high school are throwing me a birthday party next Saturday night. Being the eternal pessimist that I am, I am a little bit afraid that no one will show up. After all I am the girl who was stood up for her junior prom! Even if it is just Christina, Wendy, and I sitting alone at a table, it will still be the best time I have had in forever. I miss my girls!!!
Next post: Figuring out how to date again after all these years!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, June 11, 2010

My first drag queen

I am still sober guys! I don't want to have one of those blogs that just blabs about mundane stuff! I would rather not write at all than bore everyone to death. And my life HAS been boring lately, but I think that's a good thing!
I thought I would break things up a bit by telling you about how I first became an LBGT advocate, my first exposure ever to the gay scene.
Most of my dear readers know that I grew up in a VERY small town. My hometown had all of 2000 people in it, and is not exactly an enclave of liberal thought. As far as I know, I only ran across one gay person the whole time I was growing up. A really nice lady who was a lesbian lived 3 doors down from my childhood home. My mom told me not to talk to her because, "She's funny." I had no idea what she meant by that, but it sounded foreboding!
I skipped over a small period of my life in prior posts, so we are going to revisit it now! Right after I graduated high school, I actually ended up in Richmond for a couple of months before I moved on to Muncie. My bff from high school, Christina, and a fellow co-worker from McDonald's had rented a townhouse on the east side of Richmond. They said that I could stay there while I tried to figure out what my next move would be!
Those were great times, we were young and on our own for the first time! It was about to get more fun!
One day as I was coming home I looked across the parking lot and saw an old friend of mine, Kelly. We grew up together but he had moved to Ohio a couple of years previously. He was visiting a buddy of his and invited me and my roomies over to hang out. One guy was just a cool ass stoner, the other one? Patrick was someone I would never forget!
One night Christina and I were chilling over there, getting a bit of a buzz on and having a great (although unremarkable) time. Suddenly Patrick jumped up and told us to hold on, he had a surprise for us. Christina and I just looked at each other quizzically and shrugged. About 20 minutes later he came floating down the stairs.
He was done up in FULL drag! Wig, full makeup, pink dress, the whole nine yards! The worst part is I'm pretty sure he had nicer legs than I did! It took me a minute, but once I got over the initial shock I had a million questions for him. I asked about everything from his lifestyle to makeup tips. I haven't looked back since.
Everything I have done to help with the fight for equality can be traced back to this night. I have no idea what ever happened to him but I thank him for opening my eyes to another world.
Patrick is also the one who coined one of my favorite compliments ever! He said, "Sweetie, you are a drag queen caught in a hot chick's body!" I carry the fag hag gene, and thank God I do!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Last day of school!

Today was the last day of school, finally! It's been a hard year for me and mine. It has also been amazing how far we have all come over the past nine months!
This time last year I had a husband that ignored me, a drug problem, and ZERO self esteem! Now it is like my whole outlook on life has changed....
The kids came home waving a stack of awards with big smiles on their faces. It was so sweet to be fully aware of it and able to share their excitement! I have been complaining about how much more things hurt since I got clean, but there is a flipside to that argument. I also feel the joy so much more intensely!
I am about 50 times more confident as well. One morning, only about 4 days ago, I looked in the mirror without cringing. In fact it was quite the contrary, I smiled and said to myself, "Not too shabby!" Think that was a turning point for me.
I have harped on and on about self-love, but I am actually progressing towards it. Only took me almost 33 years, but am happy I arrived here at last!
Yes, it has been a long strange trip since I started this journey, with you, my dear readers, cheering me on and encouraging me when I faltered. A million thanks to you all!
I will post when I can, but with summer upon me, my free moments will become much rarer! So if I write a bit less, no worries! Not in the gutter with a needle in my arm, just busy with my monsters!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Clawing my way back

Good news guys! I am still clean! It was a rough ass week, but somehow I made it through in one heroin-free piece!
I think my dude got sick of leaving messages, because I haven't heard back from him for almost a full day. There's one less thing to worry about.
I have spent the week at home in deep thought and meditation. It's been good for me. I have always looked at silence as the enemy, but over the weekend, it has become a trusted friend. I feel like I've found out where a few things have misfired in the old psyche, so I am kind of glad temptation was thrown in my face! I know what I am capable of now. I am capable of saying, "Hell-to-the-NO!!!!"
A nice half gram shot would be lovely right now, but I have too much to lose if I take the easy way out of this. I am over 5 months clean, and I'll be damned if I'm going to throw that away for 12 hours of forgetting. Everything will still be there when I sober up. My kids deserve better, my friends deserve better, and by God so do I!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Too much time on my hands!

It is about time to send off the kiddos to grandma's for the weekend. They enjoy it SO much, but there is a selfish part of myself that just wants to keep them here with me!
I can usually figure out something to do while they are gone but I think this weekend is going to be a bit different. I have put myself on self-imposed lockdown for the last week.
You see, dealer guy won't stop calling my house. That is a huge red flag in and of itself. Dope dealers don't call YOU, you call them. So I know he's probably just trying to rip me off somehow! I just have my roommate answer the phone and tell him I'm not here. I need to face it head on, I know this!
I am still hanging tough staying away from the heroin, but I'm wondering why the timing has to suck so hard! How is my dude getting ahold of me when I am at my weakest point since I got clean?! I am feeling COMPLETELY isolated and I know that it would take just one fix to make me happy, perky, and productive! At the same time I look at my kids and know that this is not the answer! If I could only get the answers I am looking for maybe it might be a wee bit easier? Sometimes the silence is so much more painful than the most painful of truths!
I need prayers this weekend, I won't even lie! Gonna call a good friend later and see what they have to say. Hopefully someone has the answers....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Still bummed out, but clean

Yesterday was a very long day for me, but I stayed strong.
I'm in the middle of a really bad depression right now and I don't see any end in sight. I feel like my life is missing something, but what it is I can't put my finger on. I should be happy. I'm dirt poor, but I get by. I have amazing kids who mean the world to me. I have friends who truly care about me. So what is my problem?
I never had much time for self examination when I was strung out. This is one of the dangers of being clean, you think entirely too much. Once the kids are in bed that is all I have to do. I try to distract myself by reading, watching TV, and spending WAY too much time on facebook. It works for a while but once it's time to go to bed my mind just starts going into overdrive. I think about every mistake I've ever made and start the self hating. What is the secret to loving yourself? Hell I would settle with LIKING myself. You guys have read my history so I'm sure you can see why I have a hard time with this!
On the positive side, today I have been off heroin for five months, and for that I am grateful! Here's to making it 5 months and 1 day!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A VERY VERY close call today!

Thank you for your patience during my brief sabbatical. Let me fill you in on my weekend...
I had a good night on Friday. Hung out with a friend of mine and all seemed well. As I mentioned before my guest stars, I DID drink a little (I promised 100% honesty) but not enough to even be drunk. I KNOW, it's not an excuse, but I didn't wake up drunk sick or even with the desire to drink Saturday. I stayed home on Saturday with my kiddos because of their dad getting shipped off. They needed Mommy's comfort and my assurances that I was going to be there even if Daddy wasn't. What a swell position to be put in huh? Thus began my 3 days of hell....
Sunday started out average enough, until the evening rolled around. For some reason one of my best friends has stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why. If I had a drunken lost weekend I could understand if I did something idiotic, but I was home and did nothing. So there's another layer to my depression.
Monday was just a lonely kinda day. No phone calls, no invites to go to anyone's house for Memorial Day, nothing. I had fun playing with my kids and I am grateful for that, but I was craving grown up company. It happens and I hope that doesn't make me less of a mother. The evening rolled around and my best friend was still ignoring me.
So obviously I woke up Tuesday in a DEEP funk. The self hate and doubt were creeping back in again. I started my self pitying crap and then I got the phone call.
It was my old dealer saying that he had some fire ass dope and would I like any? I lied at first and said I was totally broke but then he said the 4 most dangerous words a heroin addict can hear, "You want a tester?"
I immediately started sweating and trying to make excuses to myself about how I could do it just this one time. I literally went insane for about 15 seconds. Then I actually took my palm and hit myself in the head and said I would have to call him back. Then I started distracted myself.
The list of what I did to keep my mind off the possibility of free dope today...
1-Walked 12 blocks to CVS and picked up a hair highlighting kit
2-used said kit
3-plucked my eyebrows
4-took an hour long bath
5-waxed my legs
6-made crafts with my kids
7-played in baby pool with kids
8-watched Glee
9-spent WAY too much time on facebook!
10-left the phone off the hook most of the day!
Maybe these weren't the best coping mechanisms, but they got me through today, and I feel good about it. It just goes to show no matter how much clean time you have in, relapse is just a breath away. The gnawing in my gut has subsided and I'm pretty sure I'm good now. Plus I lost his phone number so I couldn't get ahold of him if I wanted to! I know that is a nonissue, I could get something right now if I wanted. It's my kids and you guys that keep me from doing so!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

My Musings....(guest post by Anna)

Sometimes you think your life has fallen into have order, and routine, and serenity. Things make sense, the world makes sense, life makes sense. It seems so easy, so understandable, so mundane. And then it doesn't matter what IT is, or WHO it is, or WHERE it is...but it happens. In those times you seek out courage, and wisdom, and truth.......seldom is it pretty, never is it simple, always it is painful. And just when you think you are alone, and abandoned, and are given the opportunity to accept change in the form of another broken soul who speaks to your heart, who listens to your agony, who understands your pain...for they have seen it, and lived it, and gathered it ten fold in their own lives. Jamie has been that path for me.
I lived many years hidden in a haze of alcohol. I prayed that I would drink myself to death....I knew it would happen...I waited for it to happen. I didn't make attempts to prevent it...just the opposite in fact...I encouraged it. That was my path, my destiny, my will. I DID, eventually, painfully, have a breakthrough. I am thankful everyday for that.....
But always happens...I fell. Recently. And I fall with honesty..I AM this person..I am better drinking, I cope better, I love better, I live better. Deployment is many small painful ways. In the last few days I have been engrossed in a novel of sorts...a beautiful, funny, tragic, cosmic blog about recovery. Jamie's blog. Your honesty, your triumphs, your failures...remind me that I am greater than the sum of my demons.
Jamie, you survive because you are the first and the last. Rain fell. Shadows fell. And then light poured are that light. It is your heart, and your soul, and your being. You survive because you were BORN to. You survive because you can. Because you must. Because you are.
I continue to hold your addiction and your recovery in my heart. I am strong because you allow me to fall...and you rally with me when I get back up. Bless you.

The Adventure of You (guest post by Phillip)

I remember meeting you for the first time more than a decade ago as a young naive girl possessed of a spirit not since the days of the original Flower Children of the 1960's. Even though there was trouble in your life you just breathed it in and exhaled it as love and harmony. You always laughed in the face of adversity and kept a smile on your face and in your heart. You shared with me the adventure that is Jamie fun and partying but also philosophies and beliefs. It was a magical time me you Jennifer and my buddy Joel hanging out and acting a fool. You shared yourself with me a gift which I will never forget and hope I returned in like fashion.
As always happens in life people seemingly as crucial to your life as the air you breathe begin to drift away. You move in different directions. Planets whose orbits move them on to different areas of the solar system. The gravity of kindred souls however is undeniable and years later I found you through the truth of six degrees of separation and your star now sails in my sky again! I discovered you had become a mother and wife and had experienced many things in our time apart. The darkness that I won't name lest I give it power had creeped into your life. My heart was breaking as I watched you wrestle this demon. I never lost hope because the spark of that girl I knew years ago is still there! I hope and pray that the greater angels of your nature will win out over the darkness and I will have a chance to experience the joy of knowing the new you and set out on that same voyage of discovery. I am your friend for life dear heart and take all the strength and comfort you need from me. I love you and will remain ever one of your fiercest friends!

Tony-Guest post #1

One night I was just doing what I usually do playing on facebook just like any other night I get a friend request. You know how it is someone you haven’t heard from, from high school in 20 years vaguely remember them but something tells you to go ahead and accept it. So I got one such request a few months ago from this lovely lady. She was actually looking for my sister which happens A LOT. And if you are reading this and wondering about sis no she doesn’t have face book though we are trying hard to get her to join.
But she asked me to read her blog. Now I’ll admit I looked at it. Ya know how you would expect to do, kind of skimming through it not really reading it being able to say yea I looked at it without actually doing so.(Jamie don’t smack me)
Then the next thing I know an hour or two later I had just finished reading the last entry made my roommate read it, and emailed a friend of mine for her to read it. I do believe she’s still following it. And I’m thankful for that by the way.
I am immensely thankful for facebook for the same reasons I’m sure many of you. I have gotten back in touch with friends I haven’t talked to in years. I keep abreast of friends that I do talk to but not as often as I should. And as in this case I have connected with someone who I didn’t even know I wanted to and am immensely grateful I have.
You have to read the blog you have to start from the beginning and read it all the way to the end. And you will find yourself going back to read something over again to make something make sense. And unlike most blogs you read them and its nonsensical no one likes blogs because no one really cares what most people think about what’s going on in their lives. I don’t care if your dog hurt its foot today or you think the weather man is an idiot. This blog doesn’t read like a blog it reads like a book and yes I think she should try to publish a book based on the blog and yes please encourage her she may seem sure of herself sometimes but she like everyone else needs encouragement. So please do so.
So how does Jamie’s story and recovery touch me personally? I don’t know how anyone could read her story and not come to the same sensation it’s a story of hope how does this little girl(yes that’s how I remembered you) from a small town in Indiana go through ALL that she has, and come out being the great person she is. Most people would have eaten a bullet by now. I won’t say she’s not calloused by some of it I don’t know how you could have that many wounds and not be. And it’s an ongoing story you read each entry hoping that it just gets a little better you root for her and her kids (which are great btw spend 5 minutes with them and try not to smile it’s not possible not by a long shot.) You hope that if you had to face even the tiniest of a similar problem that you would be able to move on and reach the same place in your life that she has in hers. You realize that not everyone is perfect that mistakes happen you cringe knowing what’s coming up next and you are surprised when it doesn’t. You cheer for her when things go well and you cry with her when things go bad. You want to encourage her when she’s down and hope she lifts herself back up when it goes to shit.
Things in your life may not be as great as you wish they were and you can pray that you can take her lessons learned and apply them to your life. And come to a greater place than you would have without them.
Life isn’t the fairy tales we were taught as a kid. But you can’t help but wonder when the pumpkin will turn into a carriage and the mice will be horses where are the glass slippers for this princess in paupers clothing? Ya got to read to find out so hopefully she will continue to write enriching our lives through her own.

Something a bit different!

I have had a nasty case of writer's block as of late. I have been putting every ounce of energy I have into staying away from alcohol, so been a bit preoccupied.
I am still sober, so no worries there! I drank a bit Friday night but did not lose control, thank God. I do know that it was sheer luck though. I am always just one vodka shot away from disaster.
BP got shipped out of the county jail last week, so his ass is now the property of Indiana DOC. He's at a processing center in Greenfield right now. I have no idea where he is going next. Seeing as I have no vehicle, taking the kids to see him is going to be next to impossible. I am anticipating some behavior issues from them. They miss their dad SO much!
Some of my dear followers have offered to pitch in while I am gathering my thoughts and getting my head straight. I have a series of guest posts on the way. Thank you so much to my buddies who took the time to "do their homework."
As always thanks for listening and God bless!