Monday, July 21, 2014

I Am NOT In a Lifetime Movie!

This is not going to be my most popular post. In fact, some of you may be questioning my sanity by the end of it. But this is my road to travel, and only I know the truth that lies in my heart.
I am not going to go into the full story, my true friends know it. There is some dirty laundry that not even I will air. But my boyfriend and I split up 3 months ago, just shy of our 2 year anniversary. It was UGLY. A lot of hurt involved. Some things happened that most people would consider unforgivable. I would have said the same thing if any of my friends were in the same situation. Things always look different when you are actually living them, though.
After the 'incident' he went straight to Centerstone and went into counselling. He has stuck with it the whole time and seems to be improving.
So, I am letting him...VERY SLOWLY....back into my life. There are some people that you know are worth fighting for.
I used to be one of those people. I was a lying, thieving junkie. I woke up at 6 AM and immediately started chugging vodka. You know what helped me? People reminding me that I am worth something. And never, ever giving up on me. If you had given up on me, I can almost guarantee I would be dead or back in prison by now.
So I am going to show the same kindness that I have been shown countless times. The greatest kindness there is. The benefit of the doubt. If it works out, I am thrilled! If not, I have proven to myself that I can stand alone and I will not hesitate to do so.
But the truth at the end of the day is this: I am in love with my best friend of 20 years. Through all of this, that has not changed. I have not even looked crossways at another guy since the split. Never even crossed my mind. I want to help him get back to the good man I know he is, without sacrificing my soul in the process. And you know what? I think it's possible.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


I am kind of freaked out by my day today.
Most of it was excellent. Went shopping with the kids, had some laughs, a good afternoon! It was the beginning of the day that was the problem.
I went to court today. No, I didn't do anything. In fact, I think that today was the first time I ever walked into the courthouse without the nagging fear that I wouldn't walk back out again. As most of you know, I am going through a divorce right now. Today was the day that we decided on child support.
I have gotten a lot of flack about this.I am doing well and he has no job and a baby to take care of! Why am I being greedy when I am doing just fine financially?
Yes. This angers me.
Full disclosure: My son gets SSI for his autism. I get child support for my daughter. Plus I work my ass off 40 hours a week. I give everything I have to make sure the kids have an amazing childhood. When I reflect upon my own childhood, I only remember pain and loneliness. Not a lot of bright spots. So I am literally obsessed with making sure that my kids don't have similar memories or feelings as an adult.
So we go out to eat and talk to each other. I put them in nice, name-brand clothing because I remember being teased mercilessly because my mom got me garage sale rejects, not Nikes. I do all these little things, trying to carefully shape their memories into happy ones.
But at the end of the day, none of this matters. Child support comes up in divorces. It's unavoidable. And we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. I am not trying to hurt anyone. But I work my tail off and God damn it my kids and I deserve a higher standard of living. You cannot just make a child and then walk away. It's unconscionable.
I just hope that when the dust settles, we are all better people because of this. I was married to this guy for a decade. I wish him all the luck in the world and to find the peace that I know.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Cruelty of a Child

This is going to be a random post, but I have been thinking about an incident from my childhood and wanted to share a story with you.
When I was a little girl, I had a friend. For the purpose of this blog, we will call her 'Sue.' I had a good time playing with Sue. She was a very tough and funny girl who made me feel brave. Then one night my mom found out that I had been spending a lot of time with this little girl. She sat me down and said, 'I don't want you to play with this girl. Her family is nothing but trash.' I was upset because I didn't understand, but agreed because my mom said so.
Of course, at school the next morning, Sue came running up to me with a big smile on her face. I felt awful for a minute, then remembered my mom, and how angry she could get if I disobeyed her. I stuck my nose up in the air and said, 'My mom says that I'm not allowed to play with you anymore because your family is trash!' Never once thinking about how it would make her feel. Please remember that I was only about 9.
Later that evening my phone rang. My mom answered it and I watched her face turn redder and redder as she apologized profusely for me 'lying and hurting someone's feelings so badly!' Apparently Sue had gone home in tears to her mother asking why they had to be trash because she missed her friend. Mom lied to save face.
That night, I got the beating of a lifetime. For parroting my mother's ignorant prejudices. And I might have given a sweet little girl an emotional scar that she carries to this day. I am still friends with her as an adult. If you read this and recognize yourself, I am truly sorry. I promise you that your face when I said that haunts me to this very day.
Be careful of what you teach your children. Kindness and empathy is ALWAYS the best route.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Flying apart

How am I doing? Well, that's a tricky question.
I am going to work everyday, as always. I take my shower, put my hair up, and make sure that my 'happy' mask is firmly in place. I jump on the bus, clock in, act a fool, crack jokes, and carry trays all day.
I get home at night. Clean the house, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, act a fool, crack jokes, make sure they are bathed and tucked in.
The internal monologue is a completely different story.
I think I have a problem. Like a serious depression-going-on-meds-likely-but-shock-therapy-a-rational-solution thing. I spend everyday obsessing about every little detail of my life. The mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and doubting every decision that I have ever made.
It gets even worse when the kids go to bed. I never let my guard down around them but when they are safe and dreaming, I completely fall apart. I alternate between tears, rage, melancholy, and internal deadness. I feel every emotion in the negative spectrum, but nothing good ever comes in. My time alone has not been a productive time of self-awareness, it has been a horrible time of doubting everything I ever thought true about myself.
Am I the person you all think I am? An inspirational success story? No. I'm a mess with the same baggage as every one else. Just eloquent about expressing it, I am told. And born without a filter.
I have no idea where to go from here. Life goes on, and so will I. It's an adventure, grieving without the benefit of drugs or blackout-drinking. I will continue to work, pay my bills, take care of my babies, and try to hold on to a smidge of hope.
Because at the end of the day that is all it takes. A smidge. If you can hold on to that, I believe that you can always find the way back to the light. I'll find my way back to happy, even if I'm running blind and bumping into walls at the moment.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

No Great Shock....

I have hit the point where I am going from mania to depression over this whole damn sad situation.
You start this process with a righteous indignation. You are the fiercest damn creature on this planet. You need NO ONE! How dare someone try to tell you how to live?!
Then the reality sets in. After the long nights when you still sleep on the left side of the bed. In the morning when you wake up and you don't have the dead weight of someone's arm on you and you have to do the delicate ballet of escaping without disturbing your partner. When something crazy happens at work and you reach for your phone to text him about it and realize that you can't. About a million different little things.
I am grieving right now. And I think that's OK.
I also have a real problem with giving up on anyone, given MY history. Where would I be today if you had all given up on me? What exactly is unfixable? Heroin addiction? Anger issues? Alcoholism?
I keep my best friend in my heart, and love him. Because I know who he is. The 'before.' I also once had a 'before.' And a few people kept a cautious distance, and gave me an opportunity to get the help that I needed and earn their trust again. If anyone is taking steps to address their issues, who am I to tell them that they can't do it?
I want the best for the ones that I love, and this is no exception. I do not hate, I do not resent, I have only the purest hope that everyone becomes a better person. Including me.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!

Sunday, June 1, 2014


What I am pondering today: When does a relationship become toxic? When is it broken beyond repair? And why is it impossible to see before it's too late?
I have been in this very relationship. Let me make something clear before I go further....
I am a pain in the ass. No, seriously. I am not the easiest person to deal with at times.
When you meet someone who is SO much like you, it is easy to butt heads. When you put 2 stubborn people together 9 times out of 10 you are going to find a brick wall in the middle. And people like that will break it down however they know how. Usually not in a healthy way. Things get out of control.
I really need to learn to stop lashing out if I feel scared or angry. My mouth can turn a normal argument into a life-changing argument. I know just what to say to cut deeply, and I don't hesitate for a moment if I am angry enough. I am incapable of letting someone walk away until I have the last word. This has been my downfall more than one time.
Is everything that has happened my fault? NO! Absolutely not. Am I blameless? That is a big 'NO' as well.
When things get out of control, it is usually the fault of both. Before I go any further, I would like to come clean as an imperfect human. There are 2 sides to every story, even this one.
Let's just say that I'm a work in progress, and I would like to explore where this character defect comes from. Though the bridge is probably burnt this time, I would like to make sure it doesn't happen again. Though this isn't the first time one of my relationships has devolved like this, I would like to make sure that it's the last.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Saturday, May 31, 2014


I know I said that I use this blog as a crutch. I thought this was a bad thing. But I am realizing that sometimes you just can't walk on your own. Sometimes you NEED a crutch. So here I am.
In so many ways life has gotten so much better. I have my children back, I have good friends who love me, and a great job that I love. But no one is perfect, no matter how hard we try to portray ourselves as such. I am still clean, no worries there.
I am currently ending a relationship that I swore would be forever. Yeah, I know you guys have heard that before, but this time I really thought it would be. I fell in love with my best friend of 20 years and was supposed to have my 'When Harry Met Sally' happily ever after, but life doesn't always work out like the movies.
It is hard to place blame when you are partially to blame as well. I am a mouthy kind of person. I have very strong opinions about how I want to live my life and won't take any crap. There is a line that must be drawn at some point. I will not go into too many specifics at this point, but my friends already know.
My question is this: How do you let go of the life and future you have built in your mind? How do you just shut off your feelings? Even when you know it's the right thing to do? And how do you move on when you have no idea where you are going?
So many questions swirling around in my already tangled mind. I am going to try to work them out a little here. I credit my blog and my readers for keeping me on track. Perhaps it will work for me again?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!