Tuesday, August 7, 2012

End Of The Road

I started this blog a few years ago when I was freshly sober and not as confident about staying that way. I thought I would just start this little diary and no one would ever read it. Little did I know at the time that this little website would save my life more than once.

You guys have seen me through heroin addiction, rampant alcoholism, a string of terrible relationships, as well as a few bright moments sprinkled in along the way.

I have grown so much through your support and love. While rereading my blog recently I realized that I used it not only as a tool, but as a crutch as well. When life got a little too overwhelming I tended to retreat to cyberspace and just live virtually. Since I got out of prison, I have sensed a change in myself. I no longer spend hours on Facebook everyday out of loneliness. Somewhere along the way, I stopped worrying so much about perception and became totally OK with who Jamie is.

As most of you who know me irl are already aware of, a strange thing happened recently....

I had that minor flipout after getting released, but then I relaxed and flat out stopped worrying. I wasn't looking to be with anyone, then out of nowhere I fell in love with Shawn, one of my best friends of 16 years. We are engaged and super-happy, but guess what?

I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!!!!!! This is my happiness and I have no desire to dissect and overanalyze it. I want to stop typing about life, and actually live it. I'm not afraid anymore.

I want to thank you guys once again for keeping me in good shape. You know where to find me kittykats, both my twitter world & my Facebook world. I'm not going to be OK, I'm going to be GREAT!

One last time.....

AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND GOD BLESS!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Paralysis

It's been two weeks since I got out. I thought by now that I would be fine.

I'm totally not.

I used to laugh at people who would talk about being "institutionalized." I figured that since I didn't even do a year that I would adjust. I would be happy being free.

After a while you really get used to not making your own decisions. I was told what to eat, when to sleep, where to go, and how to act for a year. Now that I'm free I have found I can't make up my mind about the tiniest thing. My roommates will ask me where I want to go for dinner and I just freeze up. I have never in my life had a problem expressing myself.

I am also having issues with actual human contact. I never answer my phone because the idea of having a conversation panics me. I'm OK when it comes to texting and chatting online but real interaction terrifies me. I have gone out a couple of times, but find myself unable to really have any fun.

When you live with the possibility of punishment for as long as I did, it can change a person. I'm trying to work through it as best as I can. I look forward to the day when I can stop being so damn jumpy and really live again. Thanks, Indiana Department of Corrections, for "rehabilitating" me.

Sorry this is so bitter, but needed to get these thoughts out before they poisoned me any further. I hope to be in a better headspace next time I post. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Sentencing

Now that we have the whole Chris saga out of my system, it's time to get down to it and talk about prison. As always, we are going for 100% honesty, even though it sucks for me sometime. You have to take every step on your road right?

Before I was sentenced last July I was a hot mess. Guess how I handled it? I started drinking again. A lot. I was panicked. I can be a bit of a control freak and I was getting ready to hand over my life and hope that everything worked out for the best. I have never done well with leaps of faith.

July 15th dawned bright and sunny. I woke up, was with Chris one last time and put my son on the bus to summer school. For my last meal we went to Cracker Barrel and I attempted to eat a country fried steak. I was so freaked out that I could barely chew. We didn't say much to each other. I think that I knew deep down that this was the end though I was in denial about it for a long time.

I had to be at court at 11:30, so naturally at 10:00 I decided to drink. I made the excuses, "I'm going to prison anyway, screw it!" As you can imagine, by the time I made it to the courthouse I was lit. I kissed Chris goodbye and walked in to face my fate.

It was kind of a blur. I sat there shaking as the judge read all of the sentencing details to me and then I was DOC property. I was handcuffed and led across the street to the county jail. Oddly enough the guard who escorted me was someone that I knew from high school. He said, "Your drunk aren't you?" I rolled my eyes and replied, "Well, obviously!"

So I spent my first 5 hours of incarceration shivering on a concrete bench and sobering up. I'm lucky that I didn't get a PI charge on top of everything else. I think that the guard figured that I was going through enough. I thank him for that here because he has been one of my longtime readers. I appreciate you letting that slide dude.

Once I was stone cold I was taken to the shower room, made to use this nasty delousing shampoo and dressed in a green jumpsuit. They handed me a 3 inch long toothbrush, a tiny bar of soap, toothpaste and scratchy towels and bedding. It was all packed in my tote and I was marched back to pod A-3 which was to be my home until I was transported to prison.

I walked in, ignored everyone and collapsed on my metal bunk. All I could think was, "Well, at least I don't have to dread this anymore. Only 314 days to go."

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

OK let's get it outta my system!

I guess I'll never get past this if I don't just let it all out, and isn't that why I do this?  So strap yourself in guys, I'm getting it off my chest and getting it over with. The Chris situation in full.

As you know, before I was locked up Chris had pledged his undying love for me. His sweet words were peppered with words like "soulmate" and "I'll wait." I believed it with everything that was in me. I had to.

In hindsight, maybe I should have reread this blog. It was obvious on paper that something was seriously not right. Now when I look back I cringe more than a little.

Things were OK when I was in county, kinda. He would come and bring me a phone card every week so we could talk. The one thing he couldn't figure out was the visits. Twice he didn't even show up. I would try to get myself all cute (at least as cute as you can get in county jail) and eagerly await his arrival. Time would pass and...nothing. They would call visitation over and I would just crawl in my bunk and sob. He finally made it the last week I was there before I went to Rockville. I was so happy to see him and he seemed to feel likewise. I told him through the glass that we looked like we were in a Lifetime movie.

The time came and I went to Rockville for the intake and classification. In case you don't know, it's WAY far away, and I'm not allowed visitors there. I was still able to speak to him on the phone. He was holding it down and reassured me that everything was still fine and he loved me. I held onto this, because (as I will blog about later) the intake process is flat out terrifying. He never sent a card or letter, which made me sad. I justified it by remembering that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to bookish type things. I would lay there night after night repeating to myself, "Hang on, Crispy loves you" like a mantra.

I was classified as minimum security and shipped out to Madison Correctional Unit in Madison, IN. Now I was starting to get excited as I would finally be able to see him. He had cashed out a 401K that he had through work and was looking for a more reliable vehicle to make the trip. I can't even tell you how hopeful I was at this point. We had made it through the first 3 months! Then disaster....

Anyone who has ever done any amount of time can tell you that it isn't possible to really get through prison with no money whatsoever. You have to buy toiletries if you don't want to use the state stuff. The state stuff is OK if you want lizard-dry skin and to have your hair fall out. So I mentioned to Chris that I hated to ask, but I really needed him to put $20 or so on my books. He said no problem, he'd get right on it.

A week passed and when I checked there was no balance in my account. I asked him about it and he said that he had forgotten. I was like, "OK, he has a lot going on" and he promised he would do it the next day. Another week passed and still nothing. It was getting serious as I had run out of everything and was having to borrow shampoo and stuff. One thing you never want to do in prison is to be beholden to anyone. So once again I called him and asked what was going on.

This time he told me that he had a bill to pay. Of course I was pissed. You lose all control of everything when you're in prison, and it flat out sucks having to rely on people outside! This time I got kind of snappy with him. I said, "I haven't asked you for anything for months, why don't you just take $20 out of the car money?!" He must not have liked that because he hung up on me.

I accepted this and decided to give him time to calm down. I called him on the next scheduled day. No answer. I didn't really worry about it too much. I just assumed that he had to work late. So I tried again 3 days later. Still no answer. At this point I'm beginning to panic.

To make a long story short he just vanished and refused to accept any phone calls from me. The next thing I know, someone wrote to me and told me that he was listed on Facebook as engaged to someone else. He never even had the balls to break up with me.

I can't even describe how dark those days were for me. I would start crying hysterically at all hours. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes all I could see were his eyes, his smile. I literally obsessed over it. I was a wreck. I have my moments when I still am.

Another shitty thing about it is when I went to prison, of course I left everything that I owned in the house with him. Furniture, clothes, computer, heirlooms from my late mother, everything! Well he decided to just move out and leave it all behind. He could have called my friends and told them to come get my stuff, they totally would have.

This was a character defect that I always noticed about him. He would rather do nothing than be in a potentially awkward situation. I call that cowardice.

Flash forward to when I was in work release. I was able to get online from time to time. At this point I had no idea that all my stuff was gone. I asked him how I could get it all and he informed me that all he bothered to get out was my family pictures and my computer. I was furious as my most prized possesion was a sapphire ring that my mother left to me when she died and he knew it. He left it behind like it was a piece of crap out of a gumball machine.

Well I got out yesterday and as much as I didn't want to, I called him at work to try to arrange a time when I could get the tiny bit of stuff he didn't abandon. I was very courteous. I just said, "Is there a time when I could get my pictures and computer?" That's all I said. He hung up on me. Then I heard that he left work in a fury and was screaming about taking a restraining order out on me. I mean REALLY?! Just for asking about my stuff? Honey, your ass isn't worth stalking, trust and believe that. Your new fiance can have you, and good luck to her!

So in short, I have no possesions, my heart got broken, but screw it! Remember how we were talking about hindsight? I am starting to remember more of the bad times rather than the good ones. Plus all of my friends informed me that they never really liked him or the way he treated me. They say that he is not intelligent enough to keep up with me and that the way he was controlling me really disturbed them. I wondered why no one said anything before, then I realized that I would have just gotten angry with them and ignored it anyway.

So I'm single again, and I'm OK with that. I'm a kick ass chick and I am happy with the company of myself and my friends. I don't need a man to define who I am, and I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. If I meet a guy who can appreciate me, awesome! But I'm not gonna kill myself looking for him anymore. This time he has to find ME!

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Lucy, I'm HOME!!!!!!

Well kittykats! It's been the longest 10 months of my life, but the nightmare is finally over! It seems so far away even now, as I sit in my friend's apartment listening to him mix some sick dub-step. Everything is the same here in Richmond. Same people, same places, same vibe. There is one major thing that has changed through this.

Me.

In some aspects it's for the better, but sadly a lot of things have changed for the worse. Prison does many things to your psyche. I'm going to try to explore all of this in upcoming posts. So to start I want to give my incarceration version of an Oscar speech.....

First of all to my mom and stepdad. If it wasn't for them I never would have made it, seriously. Constant letters, emotional and financial support. Anyone who says that you can do serious time without money is utterly full of crap. When I was in prison and had no internet access, I would send my mom status updates by snail mail and she would post them for me. Then she printed out my page and sent it to me so I knew what people were saying. I can't even tell you how much this helped me to hold on when my relationship with Chris was falling apart. I love you mom and dad!!!!

Next would be my faithful pen pal Jon Bottorff. He has done time before and understands how desperately lonely that it can get. I could count on getting a letter from him every single Friday, and it was a highlight to an otherwise shitty week. I hope someday that I can repay him for his kindness. He has been a friend since my punk rock teenage days, and he is a friend for life.

A thank you to Patrick who not only wrote every week, but helped with some necessary items when I got to work release. I'm sorry that I had to leave Indy before we got to spend more time together!

As screwed up as the majority of women were that I met while I was down, there were several that my life is better for having known. There are too many to list, but you know who you are!

Shawn and Ashley: I love you guys so very, very much! You have always had my back. When I returned after years of stupid drug abuse, you welcomed me back with open arms and never once questioned or judged me. You have given me a home and a stable base to start rebuilding my life on. I will never forget this and I will owe you forever.

To everyone else, I know that I was in your thoughts, and I thank you for all the good energy you sent.

I will soon get into all the dirt and give you an up close account of what prison is like. But next I will address what happened to what was once the center of my life, Chris. It is ugly and heartbreaking, but the healing process helped me to become stronger and more determined. Can't say I'll be nice though....

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Goodbye Richmond?

I had a little bit of bad news the other night. I was hoping to parole to BP's grandparents when I get out in 47 days. It turns out that that isn't going to happen, so I have no where to go in Richmond.

When they said no, I just wanted to die. I have prided myself on being strong through this whole ordeal, but I broke down and sobbed right there in the day room in front of everyone. What was I going to do? As much support as I get from my online community, it's not like I would ask if I could move in with you! Then I dried my eyes and straightened my spine and started thinking about what this could mean for me....

I think I'm going to stay here in Indianapolis.

I have a really good job here. Granted I could transfer to the O'Charley's in Richmond, but the money wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is here. There are a lot more resources here that would help me get back on my feet. When Crispy left me he left me with nothing, so I'm at square one. I am planning on looking in the Irvington area since it's fairly close to where I work.

The only bad part is that it's going to take me a little longer to get the kids back with me. I gave legal guardianship to their great-grandparents while I was gone. With Brayden being on SSI we had to do it like that since I couldn't be his payee while I was locked up. The grandparents are ready for me to take over, but we have to do it the legal way. So I have to spend x amount of parenting time with them before I regain custody. No problem there. I'll get a clunker that will survive the trip.

I hate that it's going to be a little longer until we are reunited permanently, but I think this is in the kids' best interests. It will be hard in the short term, but in the long run, I think we'll be fine.

I will miss Richmond. It's been home for me most of my adult life and I am used to it. But with the drugs and violence that have the city on it's knees, I think it's time to go.

It is like when I got fired from my job. I was so upset at the time, but in hindsight it's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's what I needed to force me to be courageous and make a positive change in my life. Now I have a job that I love. I'm really hoping that fate is pulling the same trick in regards to my living situation. Stay tuned.

If any of my readers can offer suggestions about housing, cheap furniture, vehicles etc please message me or DM me.

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Getting Out

Well guys, I just haven't had the time to blog about the whole prison experience, but believe me when I tell you it has been an trip. I am planning on catching up on everything when I get out.

For now, I am trying to prepare for my release. I have 54 days left. Seeing as I started with well over 300 days, it seems like it's right around the corner. How do I feel about it?

I'm scared shitless.

Everything pretty much went away while I was gone. As most of you know, Crispy dumped me. He left the house we shared along with all of my posessions. The story is that the house was broken into when he wasn't there and they took everything. I have a hard time believing it. I'm thinking he just walked away. He moved on immediately. It hurts pretty bad that he was able to forget me that easily, because I'm having a hard time forgetting him.

At the same time, after rereading some of my blog posts, I can see that he was pretty awful to me. That's an advantage to blogging. You can reread things with a bit more clarity after some time has passed. Sometimes what you discover about yourself is painful and cringe-inducing, but as long as you are honest while writing you can learn something.

So once I get out, I have no earthly idea where I'm going to go. I am for all intensive purposes homeless. My family is all gone aside from my birth mother. She would do anything in the world for me, but she lives all the way in Minnesota and I obviously can't go there. I don't have any friends that I am close enough with that I can ask to parole to them. So as of now, I am clueless.

I have to find somewhere to stay, then immediately work on getting my own place so I can get the kids settled again. They are in guardianship with BP's grandparents right now, and I'm so glad. They have had a stable loving household while I have been gone. But it's time to come back to mommy! I just have to make sure everything is set up for them. Between me going away and their father popping back in their life and then ditching them to run off with an 18 year old, I think they have had enough trauma in their life. I want them to feel secure, because they sure haven't for the last year. When I think of everything they have gone through, I just want to die. They have handled it all like champs, but who knows the long term damage?

I'm hoping the job thing will work out in my favor. I am working at O' Charley's here in Indy and am hopeful that I can transfer to the Richmond store upon my release.

So for now, I will continue to grow my ulcers and be hopeful that me making the right decisions will pay off in spades! As always, thanks for listening and God bless!