Sunday, June 13, 2010

I feel so powerless!

I write this post with a heavy heart. As my facebook friends already know JK (from earlier posts) had been missing for over a month.
A bit of a quick recap for new readers, JK and I grew up together in Hagerstown. We were together off and on for more than half my life. I would even go as far as to call him my soul mate. If it wasn't for the drinking...
See, he is hands down the worst alcoholic I have ever known. When I decided to get sober and get my shit together the first time I left him and South Carolina behind me, painful as it was and still is.
We never really stopped talking. Although we lived 1000 miles away from each other we talked on the phone several times a week. We always ended the conversations with I love you, and it was the truth.
Mid-March he broached the subject of his moving back here to Indiana to give it another shot. JK was looking for a job online and said all I had to do was say the word and he would be here. I agonized over this for so many hours. I was hanging out with someone else at this point because frankly I had given up on JK. I was afraid if he came back I would just end up drowning in a sea of vodka again, and I probably would have.
I put off the conversation for as long as I could, but one day he told me he needed an answer. It shredded my heart to do so, but I said no. He vanished a couple days later.
Since then I have posted his picture on facebook and sent 1000 emails to mutual friends praying he was OK. I never got any answers until now. I am not a big fan of copy-n-paste, but I received this email from his mom....
"JK is the worst he has ever been. i have not seen him or heard from him for months. he sleeps in people's backyards gets arrested, few hours later he is back on the streets. SE and her girlfriend found him passed out in a creek two days ago. SE found him the other day passed out near a large ant mound (these are horrible biting ants) and they drug him off, went and got some antibiotic creme and had to cover his whole body with it. he knows his son will be here shortly and he said (while drunk) "i want to start my life over with no responsibilities". he specifically said he did not want me in his life. all i have done is taken care of him. supported him, clothed him and his son, fed him and his son and i even send his ex money because won't work to send any support. i am afraid i am going to bury him. Jamie, i don't know what to do." (of course I plugged in the generic names and initials)
How do I handle that?! Is it my fault that he went on this spiral because I rejected him? Or was it inevitable? I have no idea, but guilt is killing me regardless. If anybody has any words of wisdom or opinions on the matter I would love to hear them. You can comment on here or I am always available via facebook.
Today is his birthday, so for now I'm going to try and quell the wracking sobs and instead say a prayer for him. Will you please join me?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

1 comment:

  1. As you well know...and this sounds cliche...but we all have to have hit bottom and drag ourselves back out of the hole we've dug for ourselves, unfortunetly some of us dig a little to deep and cant make it back out...I really hope this is not the case for JK...but you should not feel guilty because you have a very giving and helpful heart and would end up enabling him if he were with you, maybe even sliding down the hole a little with him, You need to do whats best for you right now and focus on your kids (they are adorable) We all know the struggle you've been going through to stay sober and it's so worth it and to bring someone in your life right now with these...issues, although I dont feel thats the right word...would set you back. I pray and hope your friend is OK. and remember it doesnt hurt to throw a rope down in the hole...its up to them to climb it. Be there for him when he needs you...just in a super good friend way, I really do pray he's OK and finds his way home to his friends and family