Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Cruelty of a Child

This is going to be a random post, but I have been thinking about an incident from my childhood and wanted to share a story with you.
When I was a little girl, I had a friend. For the purpose of this blog, we will call her 'Sue.' I had a good time playing with Sue. She was a very tough and funny girl who made me feel brave. Then one night my mom found out that I had been spending a lot of time with this little girl. She sat me down and said, 'I don't want you to play with this girl. Her family is nothing but trash.' I was upset because I didn't understand, but agreed because my mom said so.
Of course, at school the next morning, Sue came running up to me with a big smile on her face. I felt awful for a minute, then remembered my mom, and how angry she could get if I disobeyed her. I stuck my nose up in the air and said, 'My mom says that I'm not allowed to play with you anymore because your family is trash!' Never once thinking about how it would make her feel. Please remember that I was only about 9.
Later that evening my phone rang. My mom answered it and I watched her face turn redder and redder as she apologized profusely for me 'lying and hurting someone's feelings so badly!' Apparently Sue had gone home in tears to her mother asking why they had to be trash because she missed her friend. Mom lied to save face.
That night, I got the beating of a lifetime. For parroting my mother's ignorant prejudices. And I might have given a sweet little girl an emotional scar that she carries to this day. I am still friends with her as an adult. If you read this and recognize yourself, I am truly sorry. I promise you that your face when I said that haunts me to this very day.
Be careful of what you teach your children. Kindness and empathy is ALWAYS the best route.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Flying apart

How am I doing? Well, that's a tricky question.
I am going to work everyday, as always. I take my shower, put my hair up, and make sure that my 'happy' mask is firmly in place. I jump on the bus, clock in, act a fool, crack jokes, and carry trays all day.
I get home at night. Clean the house, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, act a fool, crack jokes, make sure they are bathed and tucked in.
The internal monologue is a completely different story.
I think I have a problem. Like a serious depression-going-on-meds-likely-but-shock-therapy-a-rational-solution thing. I spend everyday obsessing about every little detail of my life. The mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and doubting every decision that I have ever made.
It gets even worse when the kids go to bed. I never let my guard down around them but when they are safe and dreaming, I completely fall apart. I alternate between tears, rage, melancholy, and internal deadness. I feel every emotion in the negative spectrum, but nothing good ever comes in. My time alone has not been a productive time of self-awareness, it has been a horrible time of doubting everything I ever thought true about myself.
Am I the person you all think I am? An inspirational success story? No. I'm a mess with the same baggage as every one else. Just eloquent about expressing it, I am told. And born without a filter.
I have no idea where to go from here. Life goes on, and so will I. It's an adventure, grieving without the benefit of drugs or blackout-drinking. I will continue to work, pay my bills, take care of my babies, and try to hold on to a smidge of hope.
Because at the end of the day that is all it takes. A smidge. If you can hold on to that, I believe that you can always find the way back to the light. I'll find my way back to happy, even if I'm running blind and bumping into walls at the moment.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

No Great Shock....

I have hit the point where I am going from mania to depression over this whole damn sad situation.
You start this process with a righteous indignation. You are the fiercest damn creature on this planet. You need NO ONE! How dare someone try to tell you how to live?!
Then the reality sets in. After the long nights when you still sleep on the left side of the bed. In the morning when you wake up and you don't have the dead weight of someone's arm on you and you have to do the delicate ballet of escaping without disturbing your partner. When something crazy happens at work and you reach for your phone to text him about it and realize that you can't. About a million different little things.
I am grieving right now. And I think that's OK.
I also have a real problem with giving up on anyone, given MY history. Where would I be today if you had all given up on me? What exactly is unfixable? Heroin addiction? Anger issues? Alcoholism?
I keep my best friend in my heart, and love him. Because I know who he is. The 'before.' I also once had a 'before.' And a few people kept a cautious distance, and gave me an opportunity to get the help that I needed and earn their trust again. If anyone is taking steps to address their issues, who am I to tell them that they can't do it?
I want the best for the ones that I love, and this is no exception. I do not hate, I do not resent, I have only the purest hope that everyone becomes a better person. Including me.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!

Sunday, June 1, 2014


What I am pondering today: When does a relationship become toxic? When is it broken beyond repair? And why is it impossible to see before it's too late?
I have been in this very relationship. Let me make something clear before I go further....
I am a pain in the ass. No, seriously. I am not the easiest person to deal with at times.
When you meet someone who is SO much like you, it is easy to butt heads. When you put 2 stubborn people together 9 times out of 10 you are going to find a brick wall in the middle. And people like that will break it down however they know how. Usually not in a healthy way. Things get out of control.
I really need to learn to stop lashing out if I feel scared or angry. My mouth can turn a normal argument into a life-changing argument. I know just what to say to cut deeply, and I don't hesitate for a moment if I am angry enough. I am incapable of letting someone walk away until I have the last word. This has been my downfall more than one time.
Is everything that has happened my fault? NO! Absolutely not. Am I blameless? That is a big 'NO' as well.
When things get out of control, it is usually the fault of both. Before I go any further, I would like to come clean as an imperfect human. There are 2 sides to every story, even this one.
Let's just say that I'm a work in progress, and I would like to explore where this character defect comes from. Though the bridge is probably burnt this time, I would like to make sure it doesn't happen again. Though this isn't the first time one of my relationships has devolved like this, I would like to make sure that it's the last.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!