Monday, July 21, 2014

I Am NOT In a Lifetime Movie!

This is not going to be my most popular post. In fact, some of you may be questioning my sanity by the end of it. But this is my road to travel, and only I know the truth that lies in my heart.
I am not going to go into the full story, my true friends know it. There is some dirty laundry that not even I will air. But my boyfriend and I split up 3 months ago, just shy of our 2 year anniversary. It was UGLY. A lot of hurt involved. Some things happened that most people would consider unforgivable. I would have said the same thing if any of my friends were in the same situation. Things always look different when you are actually living them, though.
After the 'incident' he went straight to Centerstone and went into counselling. He has stuck with it the whole time and seems to be improving.
So, I am letting him...VERY SLOWLY....back into my life. There are some people that you know are worth fighting for.
I used to be one of those people. I was a lying, thieving junkie. I woke up at 6 AM and immediately started chugging vodka. You know what helped me? People reminding me that I am worth something. And never, ever giving up on me. If you had given up on me, I can almost guarantee I would be dead or back in prison by now.
So I am going to show the same kindness that I have been shown countless times. The greatest kindness there is. The benefit of the doubt. If it works out, I am thrilled! If not, I have proven to myself that I can stand alone and I will not hesitate to do so.
But the truth at the end of the day is this: I am in love with my best friend of 20 years. Through all of this, that has not changed. I have not even looked crossways at another guy since the split. Never even crossed my mind. I want to help him get back to the good man I know he is, without sacrificing my soul in the process. And you know what? I think it's possible.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


I am kind of freaked out by my day today.
Most of it was excellent. Went shopping with the kids, had some laughs, a good afternoon! It was the beginning of the day that was the problem.
I went to court today. No, I didn't do anything. In fact, I think that today was the first time I ever walked into the courthouse without the nagging fear that I wouldn't walk back out again. As most of you know, I am going through a divorce right now. Today was the day that we decided on child support.
I have gotten a lot of flack about this.I am doing well and he has no job and a baby to take care of! Why am I being greedy when I am doing just fine financially?
Yes. This angers me.
Full disclosure: My son gets SSI for his autism. I get child support for my daughter. Plus I work my ass off 40 hours a week. I give everything I have to make sure the kids have an amazing childhood. When I reflect upon my own childhood, I only remember pain and loneliness. Not a lot of bright spots. So I am literally obsessed with making sure that my kids don't have similar memories or feelings as an adult.
So we go out to eat and talk to each other. I put them in nice, name-brand clothing because I remember being teased mercilessly because my mom got me garage sale rejects, not Nikes. I do all these little things, trying to carefully shape their memories into happy ones.
But at the end of the day, none of this matters. Child support comes up in divorces. It's unavoidable. And we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. I am not trying to hurt anyone. But I work my tail off and God damn it my kids and I deserve a higher standard of living. You cannot just make a child and then walk away. It's unconscionable.
I just hope that when the dust settles, we are all better people because of this. I was married to this guy for a decade. I wish him all the luck in the world and to find the peace that I know.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!