Thursday, April 29, 2010

The slippery slope

Back to the past again. We are at the point where I screwed up and got myself strung out.
I had played around with heroin for about three years. I usually just snorted it, as needles scared me to death! I only banged it about 5 times in that entire time.
Once I got out of jail, I was angry and bitter as hell. It felt like everyone had given up on me so I gave up on myself.
BP was giving me a lot of pressure when it came to drug money. He would treat me like crap for days on end. He was constantly berating me for what a useless person I was and if things did not go his way the fists would start flying. I got to the point I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I'd stay in bed staring at the TV without really watching. The shades stayed drawn, I was as averse to sunlight as a vampire. I felt completely dead inside.
Then there were the days BP knew I had money coming in...
Those days he would be sweet as pie. Making me breakfast, offering to watch the kids, and telling me what an amazing woman I was. Of course I knew it was bullshit, but I was SO desperate to believe it. After 8 years I was pretty badly brainwashed. So then my superior logic set in again.
It was just like the drinking, if I was buying damn it I was gonna do it too. BP loved this, because the more I wanted to do it the less I bitched about paying for it. I was always in a great mood when I was high and before long I had figured out it was more cost effective to shoot it up, like he did.
Before long I was banging dope at least once a day. On an average day my husband and I were doing about a gram. Then one day I woke up and it had happened, my arms were tore up all to hell with track marks and I was feeling the most intense craving. I was agitated and shaking, I was dope sick.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!

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