Guys am I EVER in a mood today!
It's two weeks from today that I have to leave for "summer camp." The reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I have been ignoring this for the longest time. I guess I was hoping it was an "Inception" type thing and any moment someone in reality would give me a kick and I would wake up. No such luck....
Chris and I had the stupidest fight last night. It was totally over nothing. He was having trouble hooking up the TV to our computer and I was just tired and bitchy. I can't even remember what we were arguing about, that's how stupid it was. Long story short he slept on the couch and we haven't spoken since. We are both so goddamn stubborn that neither of us will admit we were wrong. What usually happens is that he comes home and acts like nothing ever happened.
There couldn't be a worse time for us to be angry with each other. I think we need to spend as much good time with each other as we can and strengthen our relationship because we are getting ready to go through the test of our lives.
This stress has an unfortunate side effect. For the first time in a long time, I REALLY want to use! I have caught myself making all the excuses that addicts make right before they relapse. "If I do it just once, I'll be OK." "I'm going to be gone anyway, what does it matter?" Luckily I have enough experience to know this is just me lying to myself. I have been down that road and I know where it ends, nowhere good! So I am hanging in there, but it's not easy.
I really thought that after all this time I would be "cured." It goes to show you that no matter how much clean time you have in, heroin can come out of nowhere and try to seduce you. Numbness sounds appealing right now but it's not worth the price I would pay!
So dear readers I ask for all your prayers and good energy. I believe I am strong enough to make it through this, but support never hurt anyone!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!