Well kittykats, my last few posts have been pretty heavy as I have had a lot going on in my life. As any of you that follow me on twitter and Facebook can attest to, I fancy myself a funny lady. So tonight I will tell an anecdote to cleanse the palate. It is the trifecta of sad, pathetic, AND funny!
When I was in high school I was not exactly the coolest person. I was considered weird and didn't have any real friends. So my weekends were spent alone in my room writing and listening to sad bastard music. The boys didn't exactly beat down my door for dates. I pretended like I didn't care. Underneath it all though I was just like every other girl. I wanted to be swept off my feet by a cute boy and get de-virginized in the back of a Chevy, just like a good midwestern girl should be.
My Senior year prom came around. I had pretty much given up on any hope of an invite. Then one day the stars aligned and I was asked to go. The only problem was the boy who asked me.
I can't remember his name for the life of me. He was an exchange student from Germany who barely spoke a word of English. To top it off his host family was my creepy 6th grade teacher who looked like an Amish serial killer. Anyone from my hometown can confirm that I am NOT exaggerating. Still, he wasn't entirely repulsive, so I was happy that I at least got to go.
The preparations begun. My mom was poor from blowing all of her money on stupid shit from Fingerhut catalogs, so my dress budget was meager to say the least. We finally went to the Muncie mall and I was able to find an extremely unflattering dress for the bargain price of $65 (which she bitched about) But still, I was actually going to prom!
I grew up in a small town of 2000, so naturally the word about my date spread like wildfire. Soon Mr Germany was getting shit left and right about taking Jamie Head, the horror and shame of it. Must have been devastating for the poor bastard. A week before prom he came up to me during passing period and broke the date.
I went home crying and feeling like the worst reject to ever walk the earth. My mom asked me what was wrong, and in between sobs I told her. To my horror she called the host family and laid into them. Long story short they made him take me.
Prom night came and I spent the whole day getting ready. I was excited and hoped somehow it would turn out to be a magical evening, as I was a naive 17 year old. He had ordered a cab to pick us up. Since I was from an Indiana backwater, this was more exotic than a limo to me. We rode to Richmond where the prom was to be held in silence.
He took me to a pretty decent restaurant here in town called The Olde Richmond Inn. We tried to make conversation, but the dude could barely speak English. He tried to joke with me and I just stared at him blankly. The entire time I was looking at this big black case that was laying by his feet. I had first noticed it in the cab and had no idea what the fuck it was.
Our awkward dinner ended and we headed off to the Leland Hotel where the prom was being held. We posed for the obligatory cheesy pictures and headed into the ballroom. I sat with a table of people who I knew and didn't hate as much as the others. Then the moment of truth, Mr Germany slammed his big black case on the table and opened it....
Inside was a CAMCORDER! He wanted to tape the prom experience for his weird friends back home. So he ended up taping the entire thing and ignoring me. Not one dance, plus no one else asked either. I just sat at the table wallowing in my own misery.
We took the cab back to the after-prom in silence. He tried to be nice when we got out but I told him to fuck off. So that was my prom, no dancing and not even any dirty after-prom sex. What else would I expect from a prom that's theme song was "Take My Breath Away"? So I went home, told my mom it was great, went to my room, crawled out on the roof, and smoked a joint the size of my arm. After a few hits the absurdness of the situation hit me and I laughed so hard I almost fell off the roof.
This post is dedicated to all the boys from high school who never asked me out. You probably would have gotten lucky. Now I am hot and you are fat, pathetic, and trading stories of your glory days over Budweisers. So suck on that!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!