Sunday, May 22, 2011

Random and hard days

Well last time we spoke I was getting ready to go to jail. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime since.....
To start, for those of you that missed the news, I turned down the plea. I had every intention of going to jail. Then my lawyer told me when I was waiting outside the courtroom that I would have to swear under oath that I was fully aware that the item I pawned was in fact stolen. I thought about it and decided I did not want to commit perjury. I am taking a huge risk here, but I honestly believe I am innocent. The Rude Girl Nation has stepped up with legal referrals and advice, so fingers crossed. My next pretrial is next Friday. As of now my trial is set for June 20th, the day before my birthday.
Second, my bff and the girl I consider my sister V almost died. A couple of hours before I was due to leave for court I was just cuddling with Crispy. Suddenly there was all kinds of racket downstairs. V had busted into the house screaming "THOMAS IS DEAD!" I was frankly startled as I had no idea who Thomas is. She ran out of the house abruptly as she had come in. I should have noticed something was badly wrong, but you know what I did? I immediately filed it under random shit and started making jokes about it on twitter and my private fb group. I was getting ready to find out what an asshole I am.
I messaged her mom and brother after a while once I started to get scared about her state of mind. Later that night I found out she was in the psych ward.
She had been on the "bath salt" This is a drug I had never heard of that they sell at gas stations. You are supposed to bathe with it but people smoke, shoot, and snort this.
After she showed up at my house she ended up at her mom and dad's house. Long story short she ended up attacking her mother and attempted to claw her eyes out.
This bath salt thing scares the shit out of me. I mean Allison can go to our local Sunoco and buy it legally and she is 6. From my internet research it apparently causes paranoia, delusions, and self harm. It has similar effects to Meth. Please educate yourselves guys!
Yesterday V showed up at my door about 20 lbs lighter than the last time I saw her, when I kicked her out for stealing my debit card. She had shaved her head a la Britney, and quite frankly looked like she had just walked outta a concentration camp. I hope she will get better, but her boyfriend this week is an addict too. I tried to tell her it is next to impossible to get clean while in a relationship with an addict. I am pretty sure she didn't hear a word I said.
I am trying to get over the guilt I have about this whole sad situation. My first move was to laugh about it, but perhaps if I would have acted when she showed up at my house things would have turned out better. I should have called someone. I know you can only get better when you want to, but she has lost so much, and I can see so much of myself in that! Her kids are now wards of the state, and I think this is the best thing for them now. They are staying with their grandparents, so I can breathe a sigh of relief about that.
Lastly, we must do a copy and paste of the message I got via fb earlier. I message my ex every now and then to get updates on how my oldest daughter is doing. If you are new here, I have not seen her for 6 years, see earlier posts. I got this message from his 2nd wife....
Tracy Metzger Lipscomb

You may contact Hayley on May 2, 2017 when she turns 18, until then, if you do, we will contact an attorney and get a restraining order. Then, I will file for legal custody. After 7 years of raising her, I'm sure that won't be a problem. Lee agrees with me 100%.
So I am kind of a wreck about this, this was my response.....
I have no desire to interrupt her life. I am grateful for the job you have done as a mother when I wasn't able to be one. I know it is awkward to hear from me, but I do not want to contact her and disrupt her life. All I am asking for is an occasional update on how she is doing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger, but I AM her mother. There is no reason for this to get any uglier than it already is. The circumstances worked against us. If Lee recalls when I lost touch, my other daughter was in Riley on life support and Brayden was in the worst of his autism. I have no bad feelings toward you Tracy. I am so glad Lee has found someone to make him happy, he is a terrific guy. I was just young and immature and we were not right for each other. All I want is to know how my daughter is doing, let's not be ugly OK?
No response back. Since I am 100% honest on here I must tell you I try to think about her as little as possible. It is too painful and I will drive myself nuts thinking about I could have done differently. I just try to do the best I can with Ally and Brayden and try not to flog myself too much about what I can't control. My relationship with my mom gives me hope. Maybe someday Hayley will look at things like I do now with my mom. This is my deepest wish. I miss her so much.
OK kittykats, this post has utterly drained me.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!


  1. I commend you for sticking with your vow to remain 100% honest. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to share some of the stuff you do, but you are a writer, and I think it is important for writers to not have any limitations on what they share. Good Job, Jamie!

  2. WOW, OK, I am up to speed now