Well guys, I have fulfilled the cycle yet again. I had something really good going with someone and I managed to destroy it, along with a really good friendship.
I am not getting into specifics, as it hurts WAY too bad right now to talk about. Let's just say, things were said, words were exchanged, I did something stupid that was misinterpreted, and now I will never be able to think of it ever without cringing and wanting to bash my head against a wall.
Once I got home I watched as I was deleted from his life. I had never been de-friended before, but it SUCKS. First went the facebook, then the yahoo, you get the picture. I did get a phone call so at least I had that! He was very clear so at least I know where I stand and I know I will never talk to him again. He was VERY clear on that point!
Now that I think about it, I think I might have sabotaged it on purpose. I have one of the keenest senses of self loathing. If I get close to anyone, I push it to the point that I ruin everything. I truly wish I could stop but it's like I'm on self-destruct autopilot.
He said I was crazy, and you know what? He's right! They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen. That's the story of my life! So now maybe I can learn something from this experience and move on to something better.
A few lessons I learned over the last couple of months...
1.) To keep my heart locked up tight until I meet someone worthy of giving it to
2.) I am smart, funny, and beautiful. I was made to feel that way and I will never regret a second of my time with him. Even if it ended badly there was a lot of good and he built me up so much! I thank him for that
3.) Being clear and up front is always your best bet! Trying to be the "cool girl" is not worth it. You have to keep your emotions locked up and it is VERY unhealthy! I want to think Jessica for bringing me to that realization today.
4.) No one can cry forever. I didn't think I was ever going to stop as I was bawling from his house, all the way home on my walk and continued until about 8 AM. Eventually I stopped and I have dry eyes and steel in my spine now. I can't say I won't get going again. All it takes is one song or a single memory to pop into my head and we're off to the races. It's much better to let it go than to hold it in I think!
In closing I would like to address him directly. This is the one place I'm pretty sure he is going to check.
I know you are reading this thinking I'm going to trash you in front of the whole Internet but that is not who I am and I hope you know that. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled everything, but it was ALL me. I am truly sorry for everything I did, you are not at fault, I just got too close to being happy so I had to mess it up, and I'm sorry you were hurt by my stupidity. We had a LOT of good times together and I pray that someday we can be friends again. I will still sign on to yahoo every night so if you can ever forgive me I'll be here. I have so much love for you and what a good man you are. My life is better for having known you, even if it was brief, I'll never be the same!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!