I feel just slightly better but not a lot.
I am going to address him directly again, though he won't see it, it makes me feel better!
I have wasted so much time blaming myself for everything that has happened, but I am opening my eyes to the fact that it is not all on me! I got a lot of mixed messages and I can't blame myself for misinterpreting them.
If you say one day you can't stop thinking about me all day, am I wrong to think that I might mean a little bit to you? I was nothing but good to you and got no appreciation back.
I know you didn't need me, but that is no reason to be cruel because I tried so hard to make you happy. I think it is a good thing when someone cares about you as much as I did.
Back to my dear readers, I have gotten a lot of love from you today and you guys are totally right. I need to learn to love Jamie, I have wrapped up my self esteem in men for way too long. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I've just never been very good at being alone. I have dealt with so much abuse and pain from BP and the first time I try to put myself out there I get destroyed. Enough to make you lose faith in everything...
But as always I will dust myself off and continue down my road. Someday I will look back on this and laugh, won't I?!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
It is always hard to put yourself out there after an abusive relationship. After this it will make it even harder trust me experience is the biggest bitch out there. You just have to give yourself time focus on you and only you, and I promise good things will come. At least that is what I tell myself, and yes I am still waiting...damnit! Maybe I should work on a different approach. I'll get back to ya on that one. lol I know I can just kick his ass, I'm little but I am scrappy. At least I made you laugh!
ReplyDeleteAlso - sobering up and trying a little 12 Step work will even you out a bit - now you either think you are the lowest form of life on the planet or that you are better than everyone else alive. There IS an in-between, where you recognize that you have a lot of good qualities but also recognize that you have a lot of faults (defects, they call them in AA), and while you work towards making the faults go away, you also accept yourself as you are and are a happy camper.
ReplyDeleteThink I am leaning towards lowest form of life Dad!
ReplyDelete