Monday, May 17, 2010

My intentions versus the outcome

I started writing this just over two months ago. I had been clean off dope and had just quit drinking. I had no friends or much family left so there was nothing better to do. I was reading one night and the character in the book was a blogger and the wheels started turning. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing to begin writing online.
I guess what I am trying to say is that i just imagined that I was putting my thoughts out there into the ether, that no one would actually read it. I had no idea that blogging would affect my real life in any way. There have been a lot of positives come out of it, but I'm beginning to wonder if the writing is worth what I have lost along the way.
I am not the best at censoring myself, on paper or in reality. If I'm feeling something I will put it out there, and I am starting see that sometimes maybe it was a bit of a selfish thing when what I said involved other people. The people I have spoken of are not just characters in a novel, they are real people with real lives and real feelings.
I have lost a friend that meant a lot to me because of this stupid website.That was not the only reason, of course, but I think it had a lot to do with it. Why do I feel this need to put everything out there? What is wrong with me that I have a hard time keeping my life to myself? I have no idea, maybe this is yet another addiction to add to the list.
I am so depressed at this point I can barely drag myself out of bed, let alone get anything close to good writing done. My virtual life is just fine, but my real life has gone straight to hell. I'm still not on dope, so don't worry, but I am in a very bad place emotionally. I'm remembering how much of a relief it was when I used to cut myself and just sit in a dark room. I no longer have that luxury as I'm someone's mother now, but it is tempting. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but I don't know where to begin. Any thoughts are welcome!
So dear readers I am going to take a few hours to think very hard about what my next move is going to be. Do I still want to write? I will never get back what I have lost, and writing helps in so many other ways. But was is worth the price I paid?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!


  1. you need to realize that there are people out there who care like me but seems you dont give me the time of day so what am I supposed to do. I am here for you for whatever you need but you have to want it too

  2. Lots of people care about you. But as Scott said, you blow them off and lie to them until they don't even want to talk to you anymore - like your mother.

    Nice mothers Day card, by the way.