It was time for me to try to move on and stand on my own two feet. I saved as much money as I could and started to look around for my own place.
I met MW, a really cool guy with black and green hair who was attending broadcasting school in Dayton. He was renting a duplex on the west side and needed a roommate. Perfect!
At this point I had left Damon's and was serving at Garfield's in the mall. I threw myself into work so I wouldn't think about the trauma of mag crew and Tiny too much. That didn't do the trick, so once again I started drinking.
These were kind of halcyon days for me. I was maintaining. Sure I got drunk a lot, but I was still taking care of business. MW used to borrow me for his film projects. My favorite is when he made a video for "Blister In The Sun" starring yours truly. We shot all over Richmond, including a scene with me hanging off the ledge of the parking garage. What I wouldn't give to have a copy of that today!
My 21st birthday finally came, I could finally buy my own booze! MW and I headed out to celebrate. First I hit the Ron-De-Voo just for the hell of it, but they only served can beer so I didn't stay too long. Next stop was Connersville so I could party with my beloved big brother Jon. He took me to Huffy's and got me so drunk I could barely stand up. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last time I would see him. But I digress, we'll get to that in a minute.
I had met this guy at Garfield's, LL. He sat in my section and flirted up a storm with me. Before he left I had made a date with him for the following night. Pretty soon we were spending about every night together.
MW lost his job and soon we were facing eviction. I was terrified as I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to go crawling back to DA's folks and admit I had failed. So when I told LL what was going on he invited me to move in with him. We had only been dating for about a month, but what choice did I have? So I did it.
I liked LL a lot, but there was something not quite right. I did what was expected, being the perfect girlfriend and saying, "I love you" Even if it wasn't the truth. In hindsight I can see that I used him, and I'm so sorry about that.
One morning after I had lived with LL for about a month I woke up and puked my guts up. I sat there shaking and sweating when it hit me. My God my period was late. I was pregnant by someone I didn't even love.
LL was first shocked and then happy about it. I was just horrified, but I believe abortion is murder, so what could I do?
Mom took it pretty well, but the only person I wanted to talk to about it was my brother Jon. I could be honest with him and he wouldn't judge me for it.
So LL and I headed to Connersville to tell Jon. I checked his apartment and all the bars he frequented but couldn't find him. It was getting late so I gave up and went back to Richmond.
One week later I was watching TV with LL late at night when the phone rang. LL answered the call. I watched him as his face fell. He said, "OK I'll tell her."
My beloved brother was dead. He had walked into Huffy's, a bar in Connersville at about midnight on Friday. He walked up to the bouncer and said, "I'm sorry my friend" then pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head. Apparently the week before as I was looking for him, he was on a canoe trip and his girlfriend slept with another man.
This is the reason I have such a problem with religion. I was raised to believe that suicide was an unforgivable sin. But any God that would condemn my brother to hell is a God I want nothing to do with.
OK that's all I can do today, 12 years later it still causes me so much pain to even remember. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!