Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Standing on my own if only for a minute and the greatest loss of my life

It was time for me to try to move on and stand on my own two feet. I saved as much money as I could and started to look around for my own place.
I met MW, a really cool guy with black and green hair who was attending broadcasting school in Dayton. He was renting a duplex on the west side and needed a roommate. Perfect!
At this point I had left Damon's and was serving at Garfield's in the mall. I threw myself into work so I wouldn't think about the trauma of mag crew and Tiny too much. That didn't do the trick, so once again I started drinking.
These were kind of halcyon days for me. I was maintaining. Sure I got drunk a lot, but I was still taking care of business. MW used to borrow me for his film projects. My favorite is when he made a video for "Blister In The Sun" starring yours truly. We shot all over Richmond, including a scene with me hanging off the ledge of the parking garage. What I wouldn't give to have a copy of that today!
My 21st birthday finally came, I could finally buy my own booze! MW and I headed out to celebrate. First I hit the Ron-De-Voo just for the hell of it, but they only served can beer so I didn't stay too long. Next stop was Connersville so I could party with my beloved big brother Jon. He took me to Huffy's and got me so drunk I could barely stand up. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last time I would see him. But I digress, we'll get to that in a minute.
I had met this guy at Garfield's, LL. He sat in my section and flirted up a storm with me. Before he left I had made a date with him for the following night. Pretty soon we were spending about every night together.
MW lost his job and soon we were facing eviction. I was terrified as I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to go crawling back to DA's folks and admit I had failed. So when I told LL what was going on he invited me to move in with him. We had only been dating for about a month, but what choice did I have? So I did it.
I liked LL a lot, but there was something not quite right. I did what was expected, being the perfect girlfriend and saying, "I love you" Even if it wasn't the truth. In hindsight I can see that I used him, and I'm so sorry about that.
One morning after I had lived with LL for about a month I woke up and puked my guts up. I sat there shaking and sweating when it hit me. My God my period was late. I was pregnant by someone I didn't even love.
LL was first shocked and then happy about it. I was just horrified, but I believe abortion is murder, so what could I do?
Mom took it pretty well, but the only person I wanted to talk to about it was my brother Jon. I could be honest with him and he wouldn't judge me for it.
So LL and I headed to Connersville to tell Jon. I checked his apartment and all the bars he frequented but couldn't find him. It was getting late so I gave up and went back to Richmond.
One week later I was watching TV with LL late at night when the phone rang. LL answered the call. I watched him as his face fell. He said, "OK I'll tell her."
My beloved brother was dead. He had walked into Huffy's, a bar in Connersville at about midnight on Friday. He walked up to the bouncer and said, "I'm sorry my friend" then pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head. Apparently the week before as I was looking for him, he was on a canoe trip and his girlfriend slept with another man.
This is the reason I have such a problem with religion. I was raised to believe that suicide was an unforgivable sin. But any God that would condemn my brother to hell is a God I want nothing to do with.
OK that's all I can do today, 12 years later it still causes me so much pain to even remember. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!


  1. OMG, I'm so sorry! I didn't know he passed. So, sorry for your loss.
    Everyone has their own beliefs and interpretations about God. Just FYI, my belief is that God would never NOT forgive a person for feeling that helpless! I've also heard the interpretation you're talking about, where suicide is an unforgivable sin, and I COMPLETELY disagree with that interpretation! God gave up his life here on earth to save us....how could that same God condemn a person who happens to give up theirs, to hell?

  2. God didn't come to this world to condemn but to save and his will is that we DON'T perish! Don't let yourself get hung up on an unforgiving God. It's just not true. I read the bible all the time and have yet to read about suicide.

    I am so sorry about your bro..I am sure it's something that is never far from your mind.

    You've come a long way baby, keep it coming and don't look back!