Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Flying apart

How am I doing? Well, that's a tricky question.
I am going to work everyday, as always. I take my shower, put my hair up, and make sure that my 'happy' mask is firmly in place. I jump on the bus, clock in, act a fool, crack jokes, and carry trays all day.
I get home at night. Clean the house, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, act a fool, crack jokes, make sure they are bathed and tucked in.
The internal monologue is a completely different story.
I think I have a problem. Like a serious depression-going-on-meds-likely-but-shock-therapy-a-rational-solution thing. I spend everyday obsessing about every little detail of my life. The mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and doubting every decision that I have ever made.
It gets even worse when the kids go to bed. I never let my guard down around them but when they are safe and dreaming, I completely fall apart. I alternate between tears, rage, melancholy, and internal deadness. I feel every emotion in the negative spectrum, but nothing good ever comes in. My time alone has not been a productive time of self-awareness, it has been a horrible time of doubting everything I ever thought true about myself.
Am I the person you all think I am? An inspirational success story? No. I'm a mess with the same baggage as every one else. Just eloquent about expressing it, I am told. And born without a filter.
I have no idea where to go from here. Life goes on, and so will I. It's an adventure, grieving without the benefit of drugs or blackout-drinking. I will continue to work, pay my bills, take care of my babies, and try to hold on to a smidge of hope.
Because at the end of the day that is all it takes. A smidge. If you can hold on to that, I believe that you can always find the way back to the light. I'll find my way back to happy, even if I'm running blind and bumping into walls at the moment.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

1 comment:

  1. Just keep reading that last paragraph any time you start to doubt yourself. The positive attitude is EVERYTHING! If you can maintain it when things are at their worst, you're doing it right. You know what it takes to get over the bump in the road. Just because you're having a bad time right now, doesn't make your story any less successful. You can DO're already doing it. I'm proud of you!