Tuesday, May 15, 2012

OK let's get it outta my system!

I guess I'll never get past this if I don't just let it all out, and isn't that why I do this?  So strap yourself in guys, I'm getting it off my chest and getting it over with. The Chris situation in full.

As you know, before I was locked up Chris had pledged his undying love for me. His sweet words were peppered with words like "soulmate" and "I'll wait." I believed it with everything that was in me. I had to.

In hindsight, maybe I should have reread this blog. It was obvious on paper that something was seriously not right. Now when I look back I cringe more than a little.

Things were OK when I was in county, kinda. He would come and bring me a phone card every week so we could talk. The one thing he couldn't figure out was the visits. Twice he didn't even show up. I would try to get myself all cute (at least as cute as you can get in county jail) and eagerly await his arrival. Time would pass and...nothing. They would call visitation over and I would just crawl in my bunk and sob. He finally made it the last week I was there before I went to Rockville. I was so happy to see him and he seemed to feel likewise. I told him through the glass that we looked like we were in a Lifetime movie.

The time came and I went to Rockville for the intake and classification. In case you don't know, it's WAY far away, and I'm not allowed visitors there. I was still able to speak to him on the phone. He was holding it down and reassured me that everything was still fine and he loved me. I held onto this, because (as I will blog about later) the intake process is flat out terrifying. He never sent a card or letter, which made me sad. I justified it by remembering that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to bookish type things. I would lay there night after night repeating to myself, "Hang on, Crispy loves you" like a mantra.

I was classified as minimum security and shipped out to Madison Correctional Unit in Madison, IN. Now I was starting to get excited as I would finally be able to see him. He had cashed out a 401K that he had through work and was looking for a more reliable vehicle to make the trip. I can't even tell you how hopeful I was at this point. We had made it through the first 3 months! Then disaster....

Anyone who has ever done any amount of time can tell you that it isn't possible to really get through prison with no money whatsoever. You have to buy toiletries if you don't want to use the state stuff. The state stuff is OK if you want lizard-dry skin and to have your hair fall out. So I mentioned to Chris that I hated to ask, but I really needed him to put $20 or so on my books. He said no problem, he'd get right on it.

A week passed and when I checked there was no balance in my account. I asked him about it and he said that he had forgotten. I was like, "OK, he has a lot going on" and he promised he would do it the next day. Another week passed and still nothing. It was getting serious as I had run out of everything and was having to borrow shampoo and stuff. One thing you never want to do in prison is to be beholden to anyone. So once again I called him and asked what was going on.

This time he told me that he had a bill to pay. Of course I was pissed. You lose all control of everything when you're in prison, and it flat out sucks having to rely on people outside! This time I got kind of snappy with him. I said, "I haven't asked you for anything for months, why don't you just take $20 out of the car money?!" He must not have liked that because he hung up on me.

I accepted this and decided to give him time to calm down. I called him on the next scheduled day. No answer. I didn't really worry about it too much. I just assumed that he had to work late. So I tried again 3 days later. Still no answer. At this point I'm beginning to panic.

To make a long story short he just vanished and refused to accept any phone calls from me. The next thing I know, someone wrote to me and told me that he was listed on Facebook as engaged to someone else. He never even had the balls to break up with me.

I can't even describe how dark those days were for me. I would start crying hysterically at all hours. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes all I could see were his eyes, his smile. I literally obsessed over it. I was a wreck. I have my moments when I still am.

Another shitty thing about it is when I went to prison, of course I left everything that I owned in the house with him. Furniture, clothes, computer, heirlooms from my late mother, everything! Well he decided to just move out and leave it all behind. He could have called my friends and told them to come get my stuff, they totally would have.

This was a character defect that I always noticed about him. He would rather do nothing than be in a potentially awkward situation. I call that cowardice.

Flash forward to when I was in work release. I was able to get online from time to time. At this point I had no idea that all my stuff was gone. I asked him how I could get it all and he informed me that all he bothered to get out was my family pictures and my computer. I was furious as my most prized possesion was a sapphire ring that my mother left to me when she died and he knew it. He left it behind like it was a piece of crap out of a gumball machine.

Well I got out yesterday and as much as I didn't want to, I called him at work to try to arrange a time when I could get the tiny bit of stuff he didn't abandon. I was very courteous. I just said, "Is there a time when I could get my pictures and computer?" That's all I said. He hung up on me. Then I heard that he left work in a fury and was screaming about taking a restraining order out on me. I mean REALLY?! Just for asking about my stuff? Honey, your ass isn't worth stalking, trust and believe that. Your new fiance can have you, and good luck to her!

So in short, I have no possesions, my heart got broken, but screw it! Remember how we were talking about hindsight? I am starting to remember more of the bad times rather than the good ones. Plus all of my friends informed me that they never really liked him or the way he treated me. They say that he is not intelligent enough to keep up with me and that the way he was controlling me really disturbed them. I wondered why no one said anything before, then I realized that I would have just gotten angry with them and ignored it anyway.

So I'm single again, and I'm OK with that. I'm a kick ass chick and I am happy with the company of myself and my friends. I don't need a man to define who I am, and I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. If I meet a guy who can appreciate me, awesome! But I'm not gonna kill myself looking for him anymore. This time he has to find ME!

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

No comments:

Post a Comment