No Great Shock....

I have hit the point where I am going from mania to depression over this whole damn sad situation.
You start this process with a righteous indignation. You are the fiercest damn creature on this planet. You need NO ONE! How dare someone try to tell you how to live?!
Then the reality sets in. After the long nights when you still sleep on the left side of the bed. In the morning when you wake up and you don't have the dead weight of someone's arm on you and you have to do the delicate ballet of escaping without disturbing your partner. When something crazy happens at work and you reach for your phone to text him about it and realize that you can't. About a million different little things.
I am grieving right now. And I think that's OK.
I also have a real problem with giving up on anyone, given MY history. Where would I be today if you had all given up on me? What exactly is unfixable? Heroin addiction? Anger issues? Alcoholism?
I keep my best friend in my heart, and love him. Because I know who he is. The 'before.' I also once had a 'before.' And a few people kept a cautious distance, and gave me an opportunity to get the help that I needed and earn their trust again. If anyone is taking steps to address their issues, who am I to tell them that they can't do it?
I want the best for the ones that I love, and this is no exception. I do not hate, I do not resent, I have only the purest hope that everyone becomes a better person. Including me.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!

Toxic

What I am pondering today: When does a relationship become toxic? When is it broken beyond repair? And why is it impossible to see before it's too late?
I have been in this very relationship. Let me make something clear before I go further....
I am a pain in the ass. No, seriously. I am not the easiest person to deal with at times.
When you meet someone who is SO much like you, it is easy to butt heads. When you put 2 stubborn people together 9 times out of 10 you are going to find a brick wall in the middle. And people like that will break it down however they know how. Usually not in a healthy way. Things get out of control.
I really need to learn to stop lashing out if I feel scared or angry. My mouth can turn a normal argument into a life-changing argument. I know just what to say to cut deeply, and I don't hesitate for a moment if I am angry enough. I am incapable of letting someone walk away until I have the last word. This has been my downfall more than one time.
Is everything that has happened my fault? NO! Absolutely not. Am I blameless? That is a big 'NO' as well.
When things get out of control, it is usually the fault of both. Before I go any further, I would like to come clean as an imperfect human. There are 2 sides to every story, even this one.
Let's just say that I'm a work in progress, and I would like to explore where this character defect comes from. Though the bridge is probably burnt this time, I would like to make sure it doesn't happen again. Though this isn't the first time one of my relationships has devolved like this, I would like to make sure that it's the last.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Reboot

I know I said that I use this blog as a crutch. I thought this was a bad thing. But I am realizing that sometimes you just can't walk on your own. Sometimes you NEED a crutch. So here I am.
In so many ways life has gotten so much better. I have my children back, I have good friends who love me, and a great job that I love. But no one is perfect, no matter how hard we try to portray ourselves as such. I am still clean, no worries there.
I am currently ending a relationship that I swore would be forever. Yeah, I know you guys have heard that before, but this time I really thought it would be. I fell in love with my best friend of 20 years and was supposed to have my 'When Harry Met Sally' happily ever after, but life doesn't always work out like the movies.
It is hard to place blame when you are partially to blame as well. I am a mouthy kind of person. I have very strong opinions about how I want to live my life and won't take any crap. There is a line that must be drawn at some point. I will not go into too many specifics at this point, but my friends already know.
My question is this: How do you let go of the life and future you have built in your mind? How do you just shut off your feelings? Even when you know it's the right thing to do? And how do you move on when you have no idea where you are going?
So many questions swirling around in my already tangled mind. I am going to try to work them out a little here. I credit my blog and my readers for keeping me on track. Perhaps it will work for me again?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

End Of The Road

I started this blog a few years ago when I was freshly sober and not as confident about staying that way. I thought I would just start this little diary and no one would ever read it. Little did I know at the time that this little website would save my life more than once.

You guys have seen me through heroin addiction, rampant alcoholism, a string of terrible relationships, as well as a few bright moments sprinkled in along the way.

I have grown so much through your support and love. While rereading my blog recently I realized that I used it not only as a tool, but as a crutch as well. When life got a little too overwhelming I tended to retreat to cyberspace and just live virtually. Since I got out of prison, I have sensed a change in myself. I no longer spend hours on Facebook everyday out of loneliness. Somewhere along the way, I stopped worrying so much about perception and became totally OK with who Jamie is.

As most of you who know me irl are already aware of, a strange thing happened recently....

I had that minor flipout after getting released, but then I relaxed and flat out stopped worrying. I wasn't looking to be with anyone, then out of nowhere I fell in love with Shawn, one of my best friends of 16 years. We are engaged and super-happy, but guess what?

I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!!!!!! This is my happiness and I have no desire to dissect and overanalyze it. I want to stop typing about life, and actually live it. I'm not afraid anymore.

I want to thank you guys once again for keeping me in good shape. You know where to find me kittykats, both my twitter world & my Facebook world. I'm not going to be OK, I'm going to be GREAT!

One last time.....

AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND GOD BLESS!

Paralysis

It's been two weeks since I got out. I thought by now that I would be fine.

I'm totally not.

I used to laugh at people who would talk about being "institutionalized." I figured that since I didn't even do a year that I would adjust. I would be happy being free.

After a while you really get used to not making your own decisions. I was told what to eat, when to sleep, where to go, and how to act for a year. Now that I'm free I have found I can't make up my mind about the tiniest thing. My roommates will ask me where I want to go for dinner and I just freeze up. I have never in my life had a problem expressing myself.

I am also having issues with actual human contact. I never answer my phone because the idea of having a conversation panics me. I'm OK when it comes to texting and chatting online but real interaction terrifies me. I have gone out a couple of times, but find myself unable to really have any fun.

When you live with the possibility of punishment for as long as I did, it can change a person. I'm trying to work through it as best as I can. I look forward to the day when I can stop being so damn jumpy and really live again. Thanks, Indiana Department of Corrections, for "rehabilitating" me.

Sorry this is so bitter, but needed to get these thoughts out before they poisoned me any further. I hope to be in a better headspace next time I post. As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Sentencing

Now that we have the whole Chris saga out of my system, it's time to get down to it and talk about prison. As always, we are going for 100% honesty, even though it sucks for me sometime. You have to take every step on your road right?

Before I was sentenced last July I was a hot mess. Guess how I handled it? I started drinking again. A lot. I was panicked. I can be a bit of a control freak and I was getting ready to hand over my life and hope that everything worked out for the best. I have never done well with leaps of faith.

July 15th dawned bright and sunny. I woke up, was with Chris one last time and put my son on the bus to summer school. For my last meal we went to Cracker Barrel and I attempted to eat a country fried steak. I was so freaked out that I could barely chew. We didn't say much to each other. I think that I knew deep down that this was the end though I was in denial about it for a long time.

I had to be at court at 11:30, so naturally at 10:00 I decided to drink. I made the excuses, "I'm going to prison anyway, screw it!" As you can imagine, by the time I made it to the courthouse I was lit. I kissed Chris goodbye and walked in to face my fate.

It was kind of a blur. I sat there shaking as the judge read all of the sentencing details to me and then I was DOC property. I was handcuffed and led across the street to the county jail. Oddly enough the guard who escorted me was someone that I knew from high school. He said, "Your drunk aren't you?" I rolled my eyes and replied, "Well, obviously!"

So I spent my first 5 hours of incarceration shivering on a concrete bench and sobering up. I'm lucky that I didn't get a PI charge on top of everything else. I think that the guard figured that I was going through enough. I thank him for that here because he has been one of my longtime readers. I appreciate you letting that slide dude.

Once I was stone cold I was taken to the shower room, made to use this nasty delousing shampoo and dressed in a green jumpsuit. They handed me a 3 inch long toothbrush, a tiny bar of soap, toothpaste and scratchy towels and bedding. It was all packed in my tote and I was marched back to pod A-3 which was to be my home until I was transported to prison.

I walked in, ignored everyone and collapsed on my metal bunk. All I could think was, "Well, at least I don't have to dread this anymore. Only 314 days to go."

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

OK let's get it outta my system!

I guess I'll never get past this if I don't just let it all out, and isn't that why I do this?  So strap yourself in guys, I'm getting it off my chest and getting it over with. The Chris situation in full.

As you know, before I was locked up Chris had pledged his undying love for me. His sweet words were peppered with words like "soulmate" and "I'll wait." I believed it with everything that was in me. I had to.

In hindsight, maybe I should have reread this blog. It was obvious on paper that something was seriously not right. Now when I look back I cringe more than a little.

Things were OK when I was in county, kinda. He would come and bring me a phone card every week so we could talk. The one thing he couldn't figure out was the visits. Twice he didn't even show up. I would try to get myself all cute (at least as cute as you can get in county jail) and eagerly await his arrival. Time would pass and...nothing. They would call visitation over and I would just crawl in my bunk and sob. He finally made it the last week I was there before I went to Rockville. I was so happy to see him and he seemed to feel likewise. I told him through the glass that we looked like we were in a Lifetime movie.

The time came and I went to Rockville for the intake and classification. In case you don't know, it's WAY far away, and I'm not allowed visitors there. I was still able to speak to him on the phone. He was holding it down and reassured me that everything was still fine and he loved me. I held onto this, because (as I will blog about later) the intake process is flat out terrifying. He never sent a card or letter, which made me sad. I justified it by remembering that he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to bookish type things. I would lay there night after night repeating to myself, "Hang on, Crispy loves you" like a mantra.

I was classified as minimum security and shipped out to Madison Correctional Unit in Madison, IN. Now I was starting to get excited as I would finally be able to see him. He had cashed out a 401K that he had through work and was looking for a more reliable vehicle to make the trip. I can't even tell you how hopeful I was at this point. We had made it through the first 3 months! Then disaster....

Anyone who has ever done any amount of time can tell you that it isn't possible to really get through prison with no money whatsoever. You have to buy toiletries if you don't want to use the state stuff. The state stuff is OK if you want lizard-dry skin and to have your hair fall out. So I mentioned to Chris that I hated to ask, but I really needed him to put $20 or so on my books. He said no problem, he'd get right on it.

A week passed and when I checked there was no balance in my account. I asked him about it and he said that he had forgotten. I was like, "OK, he has a lot going on" and he promised he would do it the next day. Another week passed and still nothing. It was getting serious as I had run out of everything and was having to borrow shampoo and stuff. One thing you never want to do in prison is to be beholden to anyone. So once again I called him and asked what was going on.

This time he told me that he had a bill to pay. Of course I was pissed. You lose all control of everything when you're in prison, and it flat out sucks having to rely on people outside! This time I got kind of snappy with him. I said, "I haven't asked you for anything for months, why don't you just take $20 out of the car money?!" He must not have liked that because he hung up on me.

I accepted this and decided to give him time to calm down. I called him on the next scheduled day. No answer. I didn't really worry about it too much. I just assumed that he had to work late. So I tried again 3 days later. Still no answer. At this point I'm beginning to panic.

To make a long story short he just vanished and refused to accept any phone calls from me. The next thing I know, someone wrote to me and told me that he was listed on Facebook as engaged to someone else. He never even had the balls to break up with me.

I can't even describe how dark those days were for me. I would start crying hysterically at all hours. I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes all I could see were his eyes, his smile. I literally obsessed over it. I was a wreck. I have my moments when I still am.

Another shitty thing about it is when I went to prison, of course I left everything that I owned in the house with him. Furniture, clothes, computer, heirlooms from my late mother, everything! Well he decided to just move out and leave it all behind. He could have called my friends and told them to come get my stuff, they totally would have.

This was a character defect that I always noticed about him. He would rather do nothing than be in a potentially awkward situation. I call that cowardice.

Flash forward to when I was in work release. I was able to get online from time to time. At this point I had no idea that all my stuff was gone. I asked him how I could get it all and he informed me that all he bothered to get out was my family pictures and my computer. I was furious as my most prized possesion was a sapphire ring that my mother left to me when she died and he knew it. He left it behind like it was a piece of crap out of a gumball machine.

Well I got out yesterday and as much as I didn't want to, I called him at work to try to arrange a time when I could get the tiny bit of stuff he didn't abandon. I was very courteous. I just said, "Is there a time when I could get my pictures and computer?" That's all I said. He hung up on me. Then I heard that he left work in a fury and was screaming about taking a restraining order out on me. I mean REALLY?! Just for asking about my stuff? Honey, your ass isn't worth stalking, trust and believe that. Your new fiance can have you, and good luck to her!

So in short, I have no possesions, my heart got broken, but screw it! Remember how we were talking about hindsight? I am starting to remember more of the bad times rather than the good ones. Plus all of my friends informed me that they never really liked him or the way he treated me. They say that he is not intelligent enough to keep up with me and that the way he was controlling me really disturbed them. I wondered why no one said anything before, then I realized that I would have just gotten angry with them and ignored it anyway.

So I'm single again, and I'm OK with that. I'm a kick ass chick and I am happy with the company of myself and my friends. I don't need a man to define who I am, and I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt that way. If I meet a guy who can appreciate me, awesome! But I'm not gonna kill myself looking for him anymore. This time he has to find ME!

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!