This last week has been one of the most challenging ones I have faced so far. So much emotion that it almost broke me, but it didn't.
Crispy and I are still working things out. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride as of late. There are things that both of us need to change, but it's not been easy. We are both stubborn as hell, and this process will take time. We love each other dearly though, and we're both willing to do the work.
The worst thing about the last week was losing Will to a heroin overdose. I have written about him on here before using the pseudonym WM. He was a great guy who left behind 4 children, including my goddaughter Kaitlyn, who is only 2.
He always had a pretty nasty drinking problem, but was functional. Then heroin came along a few years ago. He started by snorting it until, like so many of us, he graduated to the needle. He and V were in a completely dysfunctional relationship which revolved around heroin rather than their kids or building a life together. When he found out she was cheating on him 5 months ago he packed up and moved to his parents' in Michigan. He was clean the entire time.
He arrived back in Richmond on Thursday night. By Friday morning he was dead.
I've been a mess about this all week because it could have easily been me. I can't believe I will never see him again. My grief is mixed with a good amount of anger though. It was completely selfish of him to choose getting a buzz over being responsible. Now his children have no father.
There are rumors floating around Richmond that it is being investigated as a possible homicide. When Will died he was at an old friend of mine's apartment. This friend got home from working 3rd shift and found him. I can't be sure, but I think he got Will the heroin the night before. When the police and paramedics arrived, the scene had been cleaned up. They call it suspicious but I just think the friend panicked and tried to get rid of any and all paraphernalia that was laying around.
What do you guys think? If someone provides drugs for a person and the person ends up dead, should they be held accountable? The person who found Will was one of his best, oldest friends so I think the guilt will be worse than any prison sentence.
On a brighter note, yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I saw it clean and sober. It was a nice day, albeit VERY hot. I got lots of birthday wishes from my Facebook friends and Twitter peeps, so that made me feel very loved! Thanks guys! The kids made me stay in my room for an hour so they could give me a party. They hung everything from Christmas tinsel to 8 different colors of streamers on the wall. They also invented games for us to play. My dining room is a WRECK now, but the clean up is worth it. SO much fun! I ended the evening by cuddling in bed with Crispy, eating a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, and watching Reservoir Dogs. In the words of Ice Cube, "I'd have to say it was a good day!"
In closing I would like to say Happy Birthday to my big brother William Christopher Head, who passed away in 1998. He was a gruff man's man who loved motorcycles, beer, and red meat. He had more than a passing resemblance to Santa Claus, if Santa liked Harleys. He also had an amazing talent for choppers. He could build a bike using nothing but scrap metal and duct tape. I miss you Chris, and I hope you are proud of your baby sister!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Night From Hell-Part 2
Well kittykats, I am bit short on sleep as I'm sure you can imagine.
I was just starting to get cheered up a bit last night. Thanks for all the outpouring of love by the way, I am overwhelmed! I was listening to bad music at top volume just because I could, then I heard the thud of heavy boots coming up the stairs. Crap, Chris had come back.
It wasn't pretty. He was drunk beyond anything I have ever seen. He had gone to the neighbor's house a swilled God knows how much whiskey. I just stared in horror as he bumped into walls in a futile attempt to get into the bed. Of course I asked him what the hell he was doing here and he seemed genuinely confused. He said he lived here. I told him he doesn't anymore.
Then came the drunken slurring insults. Gems like, "I never loved you and the kids" and "Your son is a retard." The last one pushed all of my anger from the night over the edge. Brayden is autistic, not retarded and it's NOT his fault! So I went all redneck and punched him. No one talks about my kids like that unless they have a death wish. So I hit him as hard as I could and I think I broke my hand in the process. I am typing this one-handed.
He is still asleep about 5 feet away from me right now. I have no idea what is going to happen when he wakes up. He didn't go to work today.
This person I have seen in the last few days is NOT Chris! He is a good man and I have no idea what is going on with him. I think talking would help, but it takes two to carry on a conversation. I guess we'll see. Thunder is rolling in the background and the sky is as slate grey as my mood right now.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
I was just starting to get cheered up a bit last night. Thanks for all the outpouring of love by the way, I am overwhelmed! I was listening to bad music at top volume just because I could, then I heard the thud of heavy boots coming up the stairs. Crap, Chris had come back.
It wasn't pretty. He was drunk beyond anything I have ever seen. He had gone to the neighbor's house a swilled God knows how much whiskey. I just stared in horror as he bumped into walls in a futile attempt to get into the bed. Of course I asked him what the hell he was doing here and he seemed genuinely confused. He said he lived here. I told him he doesn't anymore.
Then came the drunken slurring insults. Gems like, "I never loved you and the kids" and "Your son is a retard." The last one pushed all of my anger from the night over the edge. Brayden is autistic, not retarded and it's NOT his fault! So I went all redneck and punched him. No one talks about my kids like that unless they have a death wish. So I hit him as hard as I could and I think I broke my hand in the process. I am typing this one-handed.
He is still asleep about 5 feet away from me right now. I have no idea what is going to happen when he wakes up. He didn't go to work today.
This person I have seen in the last few days is NOT Chris! He is a good man and I have no idea what is going on with him. I think talking would help, but it takes two to carry on a conversation. I guess we'll see. Thunder is rolling in the background and the sky is as slate grey as my mood right now.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Is this ACTUALLY happening?!
Well guys, I think we can chalk this up as the 2nd worst time of my life. In this post I am going to share some things that are frankly shameful to fess up to, but you know my rule. 100% honesty.
Most of you know I am a bit of a clown on Facebook and twitter. I like making people laugh and brightening days, but from time to time I need to wallow in my misery. Tonight is one of those nights. Suffice it to say that my entire world has crashed around me tonight.
When I got sober I kind of thought that everything would be roses after that, but apparently it's not the case. I met the first man I have ever truly loved. We built a nice life together and he was wonderful to me and my kids until recently, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.
Chris and I have been having some issues for a little while now. He has been emotionally abusive. Mostly just name calling and such. I have been so scared about going to jail that I haven't spoke up for myself. Who would take care of the kids?
Yesterday morning he woke up in a hella bad mood and called me a fucking cunt. I stewed about it all day and decided to say something when he came home from work. Let's just say he is not the best communicator....
He refused to apologize and informed me he was done with me. As I lay in his lap a sobbing wreck begging him to stay with me, he unleashed the bombshell.
He said that monogamy is totally unnatural and he is "immune to me." He said if I couldn't accept him wanting to sow his wild oats since he was so young that we were done. In short he wanted to sleep with other women. The worst part is that I actually told him he could.
Today was bad all day. I kept having these awful images of him with some young cute girl. Kissing her like he kissed me, looking into her eyes and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. Every time it happened I would get a sharp pain in my chest unlike anything I have ever felt before. It feels strange to have your first broken heart at my age.
When he got home, he assured me he wouldn't cheat on me and was just angry. I'm not sure if I believed it. My confidence and every thing I had ever believed in had been shaken to the core. But I decided to push those feelings away, and we made love.
A couple of hours later I got the news that one of my best friends on earth was dead of a heroin overdose. Needless to say, this was tough news to hear.
All I wanted was someone to hold me and listen to my pain and loss. The response was, "I really don't give a fuck!" He seems to have no emotion about his fellow man. I am completely the opposite, I care too much. So I said something that probably was not good. I said, "Just you wait until someone you love dies, like your mom, maybe then you'll understand." I was insane with grief and any logical person would understand that. Not him.
He said he was done for real this time (nice that he took advantage me one more time) and was leaving. When he went to go he couldn't find his car keys. So he proceeded to trash the house looking because obviously I took them (I didn't.) The evening's hijinks ended with him throwing glasses and shattering them. Then he spit on me and walked out.
So here I am. It's hard not to think that everything I have went through was for nothing. I have not felt this much heartbreak in my life, but my rational self knows I am better off alone. The future frankly terrifies me. I am going to prison and I have no clue what to do. Think I might reread this blog and remind myself how strong I can be.....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Most of you know I am a bit of a clown on Facebook and twitter. I like making people laugh and brightening days, but from time to time I need to wallow in my misery. Tonight is one of those nights. Suffice it to say that my entire world has crashed around me tonight.
When I got sober I kind of thought that everything would be roses after that, but apparently it's not the case. I met the first man I have ever truly loved. We built a nice life together and he was wonderful to me and my kids until recently, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.
Chris and I have been having some issues for a little while now. He has been emotionally abusive. Mostly just name calling and such. I have been so scared about going to jail that I haven't spoke up for myself. Who would take care of the kids?
Yesterday morning he woke up in a hella bad mood and called me a fucking cunt. I stewed about it all day and decided to say something when he came home from work. Let's just say he is not the best communicator....
He refused to apologize and informed me he was done with me. As I lay in his lap a sobbing wreck begging him to stay with me, he unleashed the bombshell.
He said that monogamy is totally unnatural and he is "immune to me." He said if I couldn't accept him wanting to sow his wild oats since he was so young that we were done. In short he wanted to sleep with other women. The worst part is that I actually told him he could.
Today was bad all day. I kept having these awful images of him with some young cute girl. Kissing her like he kissed me, looking into her eyes and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. Every time it happened I would get a sharp pain in my chest unlike anything I have ever felt before. It feels strange to have your first broken heart at my age.
When he got home, he assured me he wouldn't cheat on me and was just angry. I'm not sure if I believed it. My confidence and every thing I had ever believed in had been shaken to the core. But I decided to push those feelings away, and we made love.
A couple of hours later I got the news that one of my best friends on earth was dead of a heroin overdose. Needless to say, this was tough news to hear.
All I wanted was someone to hold me and listen to my pain and loss. The response was, "I really don't give a fuck!" He seems to have no emotion about his fellow man. I am completely the opposite, I care too much. So I said something that probably was not good. I said, "Just you wait until someone you love dies, like your mom, maybe then you'll understand." I was insane with grief and any logical person would understand that. Not him.
He said he was done for real this time (nice that he took advantage me one more time) and was leaving. When he went to go he couldn't find his car keys. So he proceeded to trash the house looking because obviously I took them (I didn't.) The evening's hijinks ended with him throwing glasses and shattering them. Then he spit on me and walked out.
So here I am. It's hard not to think that everything I have went through was for nothing. I have not felt this much heartbreak in my life, but my rational self knows I am better off alone. The future frankly terrifies me. I am going to prison and I have no clue what to do. Think I might reread this blog and remind myself how strong I can be.....
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Decision
This is going to be a quick one, but thought I should update you guys. Chris and I have made up our minds. I am going to sign the plea.
There is a tiny chance I could beat this case if I took it to trial, but I am unwilling to take that risk. In 3 years Allison will be almost 10, Brayden will be almost 13, not to mention I can't ask Chris to wait for me for triple the time we have been together. It wouldn't be fair to him.
Not sure when I have to go yet, but it might be as soon as Wednesday. Something occurred to me the other day. My lawyer said my plea deadline was extended to June 2nd, but said I had to let him know what I wanted to do by Tuesday (June 1st.) So this has me worrying that my actual plea and sentencing will be in 5 days.
I won't lie to you and say I am not scared shitless. I am not built for incarceration. I feel like I was put on this earth to help other people and maybe help them laugh when times get too tough. I am a lover, not a fighter. I talk as if I am tough, but really I feel like a frightened litlle girl. The uncertainty of what is going to happen is killing me.
I want to take a moment to welcome my new readers from twitter and favstar. I took a while to share this blog with you guys, but there are two sides to jamieramone. This is my serious one.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
There is a tiny chance I could beat this case if I took it to trial, but I am unwilling to take that risk. In 3 years Allison will be almost 10, Brayden will be almost 13, not to mention I can't ask Chris to wait for me for triple the time we have been together. It wouldn't be fair to him.
Not sure when I have to go yet, but it might be as soon as Wednesday. Something occurred to me the other day. My lawyer said my plea deadline was extended to June 2nd, but said I had to let him know what I wanted to do by Tuesday (June 1st.) So this has me worrying that my actual plea and sentencing will be in 5 days.
I won't lie to you and say I am not scared shitless. I am not built for incarceration. I feel like I was put on this earth to help other people and maybe help them laugh when times get too tough. I am a lover, not a fighter. I talk as if I am tough, but really I feel like a frightened litlle girl. The uncertainty of what is going to happen is killing me.
I want to take a moment to welcome my new readers from twitter and favstar. I took a while to share this blog with you guys, but there are two sides to jamieramone. This is my serious one.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Should I stay or should I go
Just got back from court again, and I'm kind of relieved with how it turned out.
Nope, not THAT great of news. I still have the charge pending against me. What happened is that they extended my plea deadline until next Tuesday.
In a nutshell for you non-criminal readers: They are giving me the opportunity to take the plea bargain that I turned down before. I was offered 20 months, which in Indiana is actually 10 months with credit for good behavior. As long as I don't beat up a guard or shank someone, that shouldn't be a problem. When I am released I will be free and clear from the legal system, no probation. I will also be a felon, but I am unsure I could avoid conviction.
If I was to be acquitted, it would hinge on my ex-husband. He would have to testify in open court that I had no idea the guitar was stolen. This is the truth, but I don't think BP would do it for 2 reasons.
1-I left him and got with Crispy, I have a feeling he might just be a wee bit upset about that. I know for a fact he resents that my kids call Crispy dad, though he should be thanking him for taking such good care of his kids.
2-If he testifies, the charge I am facing would go on him, and with his criminal record he would be facing some hefty jail time. With him getting out in August after serving nearly 2 years, I imagine he is not eager to spend any more time locked up. Plus honesty has never been his strongest trait.
So I am thinking about just going ahead and taking the plea. Though I know I am innocent, BP is the only one who can exonerate me. I'm going to have a long talk with Crispy tonight. I want us to make this decision together.
Good news is, I bought myself at least another month and a half of freedom. It might sound silly, but I am going to have more time to make more memories. The kids have one more week of school left and then we get them all to ourselves. Also Crispy's sister is getting married June 11th. Crispy is going to be an usher and has to wear a tux. The thought of seeing him dressed up like that makes my heart go pitter-patter.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Nope, not THAT great of news. I still have the charge pending against me. What happened is that they extended my plea deadline until next Tuesday.
In a nutshell for you non-criminal readers: They are giving me the opportunity to take the plea bargain that I turned down before. I was offered 20 months, which in Indiana is actually 10 months with credit for good behavior. As long as I don't beat up a guard or shank someone, that shouldn't be a problem. When I am released I will be free and clear from the legal system, no probation. I will also be a felon, but I am unsure I could avoid conviction.
If I was to be acquitted, it would hinge on my ex-husband. He would have to testify in open court that I had no idea the guitar was stolen. This is the truth, but I don't think BP would do it for 2 reasons.
1-I left him and got with Crispy, I have a feeling he might just be a wee bit upset about that. I know for a fact he resents that my kids call Crispy dad, though he should be thanking him for taking such good care of his kids.
2-If he testifies, the charge I am facing would go on him, and with his criminal record he would be facing some hefty jail time. With him getting out in August after serving nearly 2 years, I imagine he is not eager to spend any more time locked up. Plus honesty has never been his strongest trait.
So I am thinking about just going ahead and taking the plea. Though I know I am innocent, BP is the only one who can exonerate me. I'm going to have a long talk with Crispy tonight. I want us to make this decision together.
Good news is, I bought myself at least another month and a half of freedom. It might sound silly, but I am going to have more time to make more memories. The kids have one more week of school left and then we get them all to ourselves. Also Crispy's sister is getting married June 11th. Crispy is going to be an usher and has to wear a tux. The thought of seeing him dressed up like that makes my heart go pitter-patter.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I can't watch this anymore
I think I would die of shock if I had a normal day. I feel like I'm about to have a stroke.
Well the sister/bff V came over today. Her boyfriend had to meet with his parents and she didn't want to sit at home alone with her thoughts. So she showed up here at about noon. I honestly didn't want company, but I find it really hard to turn away a person who is in need of a friend, to the detriment of my mental health.
She was wired as hell and talking a mile a minute so it was instantly obvious she was on something. I asked her and she admitted to doing a half of a Suboxone. She offered me the other half, and I'm proud to say that even though I have had a killer headache all day. She was impressed that I could turn it down, I told her if she quit, one day she too could say no. She thinks Suboxone is better than heroin, but it's all the same to me.
I had a busy day planned, catching up laundry and putting up our winter clothes for the season. I got everything done, but with her trailing me the entire time. I was annoyed, but her boyfriend was supposed to pick her up within an hour or two. He didn't show up until 4:30, then all hell broke loose....
He informed her that he had to leave for rehab in Kentucky the following morning or he was going to lose his kids. This is the only place she has to stay, so I am sure you can imagine her reaction.
She began pacing up and down my block yelling. She got her clothes out of his truck and threw them on my porch yelling, "Take these, I don't need them since I am homeless!"
I asked her boyfriend to please take her away because the neighbors were staring. Crispy and I are quiet neighborly folks and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I went to my next door neighbors house to call her mom, because frankly I was scared for her and didn't want to make the same mistake twice. After I explained to her what had transpired I went back home.
She had come back and was leaning against my wall sobbing. I told her I didn't want her to hurt herself and she informed me that she had nothing to live for and was going to kill herself. Of course being the sister of someone who committed suicide, I went straight through the roof.
I told her that she was a selfish bitch and needed to think of her kids. I pretty much read her down. She started talking about how she was never going to get her girls back if she had nowhere to stay. Hint hint right?
I told her that I was sorry about her predicament, but there was nothing I could do to help. Last time we tried to help she was here for all of a day and a half before she had stolen off us. Crispy would never allow it, and frankly neither would I. She started weeping again and her boyfriend pulled back up to the house, she went outside and started melting down again. I told her boyfriend to get her ass in the truck and take her to her parent's house. She refused and just walked down the street freaking out. He kept his truck next to her and the last I saw they were creeping up Sixth street.
I have tried everything I can to help. I was given many 2nd chances when I was a mess, so I always use that as an excuse to be everyone's savior. No more.
My head is pounding right now and I'm all shaky. I have plenty of stress of my own don't I? I can't watch this anymore. I wish her the best, but this was the last straw.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!
Well the sister/bff V came over today. Her boyfriend had to meet with his parents and she didn't want to sit at home alone with her thoughts. So she showed up here at about noon. I honestly didn't want company, but I find it really hard to turn away a person who is in need of a friend, to the detriment of my mental health.
She was wired as hell and talking a mile a minute so it was instantly obvious she was on something. I asked her and she admitted to doing a half of a Suboxone. She offered me the other half, and I'm proud to say that even though I have had a killer headache all day. She was impressed that I could turn it down, I told her if she quit, one day she too could say no. She thinks Suboxone is better than heroin, but it's all the same to me.
I had a busy day planned, catching up laundry and putting up our winter clothes for the season. I got everything done, but with her trailing me the entire time. I was annoyed, but her boyfriend was supposed to pick her up within an hour or two. He didn't show up until 4:30, then all hell broke loose....
He informed her that he had to leave for rehab in Kentucky the following morning or he was going to lose his kids. This is the only place she has to stay, so I am sure you can imagine her reaction.
She began pacing up and down my block yelling. She got her clothes out of his truck and threw them on my porch yelling, "Take these, I don't need them since I am homeless!"
I asked her boyfriend to please take her away because the neighbors were staring. Crispy and I are quiet neighborly folks and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I went to my next door neighbors house to call her mom, because frankly I was scared for her and didn't want to make the same mistake twice. After I explained to her what had transpired I went back home.
She had come back and was leaning against my wall sobbing. I told her I didn't want her to hurt herself and she informed me that she had nothing to live for and was going to kill herself. Of course being the sister of someone who committed suicide, I went straight through the roof.
I told her that she was a selfish bitch and needed to think of her kids. I pretty much read her down. She started talking about how she was never going to get her girls back if she had nowhere to stay. Hint hint right?
I told her that I was sorry about her predicament, but there was nothing I could do to help. Last time we tried to help she was here for all of a day and a half before she had stolen off us. Crispy would never allow it, and frankly neither would I. She started weeping again and her boyfriend pulled back up to the house, she went outside and started melting down again. I told her boyfriend to get her ass in the truck and take her to her parent's house. She refused and just walked down the street freaking out. He kept his truck next to her and the last I saw they were creeping up Sixth street.
I have tried everything I can to help. I was given many 2nd chances when I was a mess, so I always use that as an excuse to be everyone's savior. No more.
My head is pounding right now and I'm all shaky. I have plenty of stress of my own don't I? I can't watch this anymore. I wish her the best, but this was the last straw.
As always, thanks for listening, and God bless!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Random and hard days
Well last time we spoke I was getting ready to go to jail. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime since.....
To start, for those of you that missed the news, I turned down the plea. I had every intention of going to jail. Then my lawyer told me when I was waiting outside the courtroom that I would have to swear under oath that I was fully aware that the item I pawned was in fact stolen. I thought about it and decided I did not want to commit perjury. I am taking a huge risk here, but I honestly believe I am innocent. The Rude Girl Nation has stepped up with legal referrals and advice, so fingers crossed. My next pretrial is next Friday. As of now my trial is set for June 20th, the day before my birthday.
Second, my bff and the girl I consider my sister V almost died. A couple of hours before I was due to leave for court I was just cuddling with Crispy. Suddenly there was all kinds of racket downstairs. V had busted into the house screaming "THOMAS IS DEAD!" I was frankly startled as I had no idea who Thomas is. She ran out of the house abruptly as she had come in. I should have noticed something was badly wrong, but you know what I did? I immediately filed it under random shit and started making jokes about it on twitter and my private fb group. I was getting ready to find out what an asshole I am.
I messaged her mom and brother after a while once I started to get scared about her state of mind. Later that night I found out she was in the psych ward.
She had been on the "bath salt" This is a drug I had never heard of that they sell at gas stations. You are supposed to bathe with it but people smoke, shoot, and snort this.
After she showed up at my house she ended up at her mom and dad's house. Long story short she ended up attacking her mother and attempted to claw her eyes out.
This bath salt thing scares the shit out of me. I mean Allison can go to our local Sunoco and buy it legally and she is 6. From my internet research it apparently causes paranoia, delusions, and self harm. It has similar effects to Meth. Please educate yourselves guys!
Yesterday V showed up at my door about 20 lbs lighter than the last time I saw her, when I kicked her out for stealing my debit card. She had shaved her head a la Britney, and quite frankly looked like she had just walked outta a concentration camp. I hope she will get better, but her boyfriend this week is an addict too. I tried to tell her it is next to impossible to get clean while in a relationship with an addict. I am pretty sure she didn't hear a word I said.
I am trying to get over the guilt I have about this whole sad situation. My first move was to laugh about it, but perhaps if I would have acted when she showed up at my house things would have turned out better. I should have called someone. I know you can only get better when you want to, but she has lost so much, and I can see so much of myself in that! Her kids are now wards of the state, and I think this is the best thing for them now. They are staying with their grandparents, so I can breathe a sigh of relief about that.
Lastly, we must do a copy and paste of the message I got via fb earlier. I message my ex every now and then to get updates on how my oldest daughter is doing. If you are new here, I have not seen her for 6 years, see earlier posts. I got this message from his 2nd wife....
Tracy Metzger Lipscomb
You may contact Hayley on May 2, 2017 when she turns 18, until then, if you do, we will contact an attorney and get a restraining order. Then, I will file for legal custody. After 7 years of raising her, I'm sure that won't be a problem. Lee agrees with me 100%.
So I am kind of a wreck about this, this was my response.....
I have no desire to interrupt her life. I am grateful for the job you have done as a mother when I wasn't able to be one. I know it is awkward to hear from me, but I do not want to contact her and disrupt her life. All I am asking for is an occasional update on how she is doing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger, but I AM her mother. There is no reason for this to get any uglier than it already is. The circumstances worked against us. If Lee recalls when I lost touch, my other daughter was in Riley on life support and Brayden was in the worst of his autism. I have no bad feelings toward you Tracy. I am so glad Lee has found someone to make him happy, he is a terrific guy. I was just young and immature and we were not right for each other. All I want is to know how my daughter is doing, let's not be ugly OK?
No response back. Since I am 100% honest on here I must tell you I try to think about her as little as possible. It is too painful and I will drive myself nuts thinking about I could have done differently. I just try to do the best I can with Ally and Brayden and try not to flog myself too much about what I can't control. My relationship with my mom gives me hope. Maybe someday Hayley will look at things like I do now with my mom. This is my deepest wish. I miss her so much.
OK kittykats, this post has utterly drained me.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
To start, for those of you that missed the news, I turned down the plea. I had every intention of going to jail. Then my lawyer told me when I was waiting outside the courtroom that I would have to swear under oath that I was fully aware that the item I pawned was in fact stolen. I thought about it and decided I did not want to commit perjury. I am taking a huge risk here, but I honestly believe I am innocent. The Rude Girl Nation has stepped up with legal referrals and advice, so fingers crossed. My next pretrial is next Friday. As of now my trial is set for June 20th, the day before my birthday.
Second, my bff and the girl I consider my sister V almost died. A couple of hours before I was due to leave for court I was just cuddling with Crispy. Suddenly there was all kinds of racket downstairs. V had busted into the house screaming "THOMAS IS DEAD!" I was frankly startled as I had no idea who Thomas is. She ran out of the house abruptly as she had come in. I should have noticed something was badly wrong, but you know what I did? I immediately filed it under random shit and started making jokes about it on twitter and my private fb group. I was getting ready to find out what an asshole I am.
I messaged her mom and brother after a while once I started to get scared about her state of mind. Later that night I found out she was in the psych ward.
She had been on the "bath salt" This is a drug I had never heard of that they sell at gas stations. You are supposed to bathe with it but people smoke, shoot, and snort this.
After she showed up at my house she ended up at her mom and dad's house. Long story short she ended up attacking her mother and attempted to claw her eyes out.
This bath salt thing scares the shit out of me. I mean Allison can go to our local Sunoco and buy it legally and she is 6. From my internet research it apparently causes paranoia, delusions, and self harm. It has similar effects to Meth. Please educate yourselves guys!
Yesterday V showed up at my door about 20 lbs lighter than the last time I saw her, when I kicked her out for stealing my debit card. She had shaved her head a la Britney, and quite frankly looked like she had just walked outta a concentration camp. I hope she will get better, but her boyfriend this week is an addict too. I tried to tell her it is next to impossible to get clean while in a relationship with an addict. I am pretty sure she didn't hear a word I said.
I am trying to get over the guilt I have about this whole sad situation. My first move was to laugh about it, but perhaps if I would have acted when she showed up at my house things would have turned out better. I should have called someone. I know you can only get better when you want to, but she has lost so much, and I can see so much of myself in that! Her kids are now wards of the state, and I think this is the best thing for them now. They are staying with their grandparents, so I can breathe a sigh of relief about that.
Lastly, we must do a copy and paste of the message I got via fb earlier. I message my ex every now and then to get updates on how my oldest daughter is doing. If you are new here, I have not seen her for 6 years, see earlier posts. I got this message from his 2nd wife....
Tracy Metzger Lipscomb
You may contact Hayley on May 2, 2017 when she turns 18, until then, if you do, we will contact an attorney and get a restraining order. Then, I will file for legal custody. After 7 years of raising her, I'm sure that won't be a problem. Lee agrees with me 100%.
So I am kind of a wreck about this, this was my response.....
I have no desire to interrupt her life. I am grateful for the job you have done as a mother when I wasn't able to be one. I know it is awkward to hear from me, but I do not want to contact her and disrupt her life. All I am asking for is an occasional update on how she is doing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger, but I AM her mother. There is no reason for this to get any uglier than it already is. The circumstances worked against us. If Lee recalls when I lost touch, my other daughter was in Riley on life support and Brayden was in the worst of his autism. I have no bad feelings toward you Tracy. I am so glad Lee has found someone to make him happy, he is a terrific guy. I was just young and immature and we were not right for each other. All I want is to know how my daughter is doing, let's not be ugly OK?
No response back. Since I am 100% honest on here I must tell you I try to think about her as little as possible. It is too painful and I will drive myself nuts thinking about I could have done differently. I just try to do the best I can with Ally and Brayden and try not to flog myself too much about what I can't control. My relationship with my mom gives me hope. Maybe someday Hayley will look at things like I do now with my mom. This is my deepest wish. I miss her so much.
OK kittykats, this post has utterly drained me.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
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