I feel just slightly better but not a lot.
I am going to address him directly again, though he won't see it, it makes me feel better!
I have wasted so much time blaming myself for everything that has happened, but I am opening my eyes to the fact that it is not all on me! I got a lot of mixed messages and I can't blame myself for misinterpreting them.
If you say one day you can't stop thinking about me all day, am I wrong to think that I might mean a little bit to you? I was nothing but good to you and got no appreciation back.
I know you didn't need me, but that is no reason to be cruel because I tried so hard to make you happy. I think it is a good thing when someone cares about you as much as I did.
Back to my dear readers, I have gotten a lot of love from you today and you guys are totally right. I need to learn to love Jamie, I have wrapped up my self esteem in men for way too long. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I've just never been very good at being alone. I have dealt with so much abuse and pain from BP and the first time I try to put myself out there I get destroyed. Enough to make you lose faith in everything...
But as always I will dust myself off and continue down my road. Someday I will look back on this and laugh, won't I?!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Yep, I am a retard
I am SOOO stupid! I can't even find the words...
I thought I had something approaching real, but he was afraid of being a dick and chose tonight to let it all out. Guess I was too aggressive and now I am alone again.
I can't believe the mean shit that was thrown on me, but it's honest so how can I be mad?!
I am going to keep my heart on lockdown from now on, I am in a BAD space kittykats. I really thought I was liked and now know how bad I suck! I have been told it's not me, but hard to believe it now. The gravel from the alley is digging into every crevice of my heart!
Time to stay home, huh?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
I thought I had something approaching real, but he was afraid of being a dick and chose tonight to let it all out. Guess I was too aggressive and now I am alone again.
I can't believe the mean shit that was thrown on me, but it's honest so how can I be mad?!
I am going to keep my heart on lockdown from now on, I am in a BAD space kittykats. I really thought I was liked and now know how bad I suck! I have been told it's not me, but hard to believe it now. The gravel from the alley is digging into every crevice of my heart!
Time to stay home, huh?
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The song that is stalking me
This song is stalking my ass, so I shall write a bit!
"Seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you" were ever truer words spoken?!
I stayed home and caught up on sleep for once and am now thinking it was a BAD move! Got some anger via yahoo when I got in front of the devil box.
I hate being taken for granted on any level and I don't think getting more than 6 hours of sleep is a bad thing! So why do I feel so gnarly about missing him?!
Good lord I am not good at this! To my kittykats in relationships, how do you not go insane?!
After BP I was so serious about being alone, but I have remet the greatest guy! I always think about what he needs and not what I need. Story of my life right?
But I really need to stop bitching, I am in love and it's a GOOD thing, at least until my heart is drug through a gravel filled alley.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
"Seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you" were ever truer words spoken?!
I stayed home and caught up on sleep for once and am now thinking it was a BAD move! Got some anger via yahoo when I got in front of the devil box.
I hate being taken for granted on any level and I don't think getting more than 6 hours of sleep is a bad thing! So why do I feel so gnarly about missing him?!
Good lord I am not good at this! To my kittykats in relationships, how do you not go insane?!
After BP I was so serious about being alone, but I have remet the greatest guy! I always think about what he needs and not what I need. Story of my life right?
But I really need to stop bitching, I am in love and it's a GOOD thing, at least until my heart is drug through a gravel filled alley.
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
Going off!
OK I am having a super bad day! Thought I would share the bs with you!
Things are pretty going good with the new guy, but then he accused me of some stupidity.
I also got called off at work so less money. I also got dates swapped and missed a court date. I'm OK till June but still, more about my current case in a later post. But know that I am innocent!
I also got a letter from BP today that had the words I've longed for forever in it. But the prob is a letter from prison is always good, it's the getting out part we seem to struggle with!
I'm in love with someone else and I think he's amazing, but things have been a WEE bit dramatic and I don't want to cause him any harm. If I have to walk away for the sake of him and the boys I will. I will prob cry for the next year but it's not all about me, It's about the kids. If daddy is unhappy, they will pick up on that!
So I'm sitting here holding my breath until 6 o' clock. Why do I care so much?!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Things are pretty going good with the new guy, but then he accused me of some stupidity.
I also got called off at work so less money. I also got dates swapped and missed a court date. I'm OK till June but still, more about my current case in a later post. But know that I am innocent!
I also got a letter from BP today that had the words I've longed for forever in it. But the prob is a letter from prison is always good, it's the getting out part we seem to struggle with!
I'm in love with someone else and I think he's amazing, but things have been a WEE bit dramatic and I don't want to cause him any harm. If I have to walk away for the sake of him and the boys I will. I will prob cry for the next year but it's not all about me, It's about the kids. If daddy is unhappy, they will pick up on that!
So I'm sitting here holding my breath until 6 o' clock. Why do I care so much?!
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The new job, back to dealing with morons!
Well as all of my facebook friends know, I FINALLY have a job! I'm working in a college bookstore which should be ideal. If it wasn't for the damn customers....
I had to go work at the Connersville campus today buying back used textbooks. The day started out well enough, I woke up with the guy I like to hang out with more than anyone, got home, made some good coffee, and was truly ready to go. B picked me up at about 7:30 so I didn't have to worry about a ride for once. Then it was ALL downhill!
The second we walked in there were about 5 people sitting there waiting on us. They say it takes one to know one and it's true. A quick scan of the room confirmed my suspicions. They were wanting money for whatever drug they were on. I check for track marks, shaking hands, and a wild look in the eyes. Dead giveaways!
We tried to set up the computer and it did not work. So we had to call in book numbers by cell phone as the angry mob multiplied. You would think people about to get money would be more patient.
I lugged boxes of textbooks all day like a pack mule. Each one weighed 40-60 pounds, so that just made me more aggro!
The stupid questions got me worse than anything. Just so you know, if you are missing software I can't buy it. If it's from an Algebra class from 1989 no I can't buy it. AND even if you walk away for an hour and then come back, yes I remember you and NO I still won't buy it!
Finally got back to Richmond at about 5:30 and had no ride so I walked the full 3 miles home. What else do you do? I would really like to keep this job! When I got home my feet were throbbing like you wouldn't believe. Remember those old cartoons when someone's thumb would get hit by a hammer and it would turn red and pulsate? That would be my feet!
Sorry this is a bitching post, but it's what is on my mind! Hope tonight gets better! I swear they put "essence of stupid" in Connersville's water supply!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
I had to go work at the Connersville campus today buying back used textbooks. The day started out well enough, I woke up with the guy I like to hang out with more than anyone, got home, made some good coffee, and was truly ready to go. B picked me up at about 7:30 so I didn't have to worry about a ride for once. Then it was ALL downhill!
The second we walked in there were about 5 people sitting there waiting on us. They say it takes one to know one and it's true. A quick scan of the room confirmed my suspicions. They were wanting money for whatever drug they were on. I check for track marks, shaking hands, and a wild look in the eyes. Dead giveaways!
We tried to set up the computer and it did not work. So we had to call in book numbers by cell phone as the angry mob multiplied. You would think people about to get money would be more patient.
I lugged boxes of textbooks all day like a pack mule. Each one weighed 40-60 pounds, so that just made me more aggro!
The stupid questions got me worse than anything. Just so you know, if you are missing software I can't buy it. If it's from an Algebra class from 1989 no I can't buy it. AND even if you walk away for an hour and then come back, yes I remember you and NO I still won't buy it!
Finally got back to Richmond at about 5:30 and had no ride so I walked the full 3 miles home. What else do you do? I would really like to keep this job! When I got home my feet were throbbing like you wouldn't believe. Remember those old cartoons when someone's thumb would get hit by a hammer and it would turn red and pulsate? That would be my feet!
Sorry this is a bitching post, but it's what is on my mind! Hope tonight gets better! I swear they put "essence of stupid" in Connersville's water supply!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
To err is human, to forgive divine
I don't really deserve it after the way I acted this weekend, but I have been forgiven.
My own self doubt has been torpedoing everything good in my life, and it's time to change that! I am really serous about this. I had a lot of time to think about things today. I traced back all of my problems and my self hatred is at the root of most of them.
You have to love yourself before you are any good to anyone else. That's such a simple lesson but one it has taken me almost 33 years to learn. I think I just might be able to get there. Having a job and a great friend like I do has helped me beyond what I can put into words. But good times or bad I need to like ME!
I have about 3 posts worth of material on my past so they might be punctuated by some present posts. I am looking toward my future and starting to seriously work on myself and I would like to share that with you dear readers! Thank you so much for all your love and support today! You can't truly enjoy the sweet without the bitter. After everything that has happened, never has having some arms around me felt so good. I will NEVER take it for granted again!
In closing this evening I would like to invite you to check out my old friend Holli's blog. She is just starting out and if she gets half the love and encouragement I get, she will be very happy. I will add her blog link at the bottom of the page, or just copy and paste this...http://lifeofasmalltownsinglegirl.blogspot.com/
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
My own self doubt has been torpedoing everything good in my life, and it's time to change that! I am really serous about this. I had a lot of time to think about things today. I traced back all of my problems and my self hatred is at the root of most of them.
You have to love yourself before you are any good to anyone else. That's such a simple lesson but one it has taken me almost 33 years to learn. I think I just might be able to get there. Having a job and a great friend like I do has helped me beyond what I can put into words. But good times or bad I need to like ME!
I have about 3 posts worth of material on my past so they might be punctuated by some present posts. I am looking toward my future and starting to seriously work on myself and I would like to share that with you dear readers! Thank you so much for all your love and support today! You can't truly enjoy the sweet without the bitter. After everything that has happened, never has having some arms around me felt so good. I will NEVER take it for granted again!
In closing this evening I would like to invite you to check out my old friend Holli's blog. She is just starting out and if she gets half the love and encouragement I get, she will be very happy. I will add her blog link at the bottom of the page, or just copy and paste this...http://lifeofasmalltownsinglegirl.blogspot.com/
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
Losing someone 21st century style
Well guys, I have fulfilled the cycle yet again. I had something really good going with someone and I managed to destroy it, along with a really good friendship.
I am not getting into specifics, as it hurts WAY too bad right now to talk about. Let's just say, things were said, words were exchanged, I did something stupid that was misinterpreted, and now I will never be able to think of it ever without cringing and wanting to bash my head against a wall.
Once I got home I watched as I was deleted from his life. I had never been de-friended before, but it SUCKS. First went the facebook, then the yahoo, you get the picture. I did get a phone call so at least I had that! He was very clear so at least I know where I stand and I know I will never talk to him again. He was VERY clear on that point!
Now that I think about it, I think I might have sabotaged it on purpose. I have one of the keenest senses of self loathing. If I get close to anyone, I push it to the point that I ruin everything. I truly wish I could stop but it's like I'm on self-destruct autopilot.
He said I was crazy, and you know what? He's right! They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen. That's the story of my life! So now maybe I can learn something from this experience and move on to something better.
A few lessons I learned over the last couple of months...
1.) To keep my heart locked up tight until I meet someone worthy of giving it to
2.) I am smart, funny, and beautiful. I was made to feel that way and I will never regret a second of my time with him. Even if it ended badly there was a lot of good and he built me up so much! I thank him for that
3.) Being clear and up front is always your best bet! Trying to be the "cool girl" is not worth it. You have to keep your emotions locked up and it is VERY unhealthy! I want to think Jessica for bringing me to that realization today.
4.) No one can cry forever. I didn't think I was ever going to stop as I was bawling from his house, all the way home on my walk and continued until about 8 AM. Eventually I stopped and I have dry eyes and steel in my spine now. I can't say I won't get going again. All it takes is one song or a single memory to pop into my head and we're off to the races. It's much better to let it go than to hold it in I think!
In closing I would like to address him directly. This is the one place I'm pretty sure he is going to check.
I know you are reading this thinking I'm going to trash you in front of the whole Internet but that is not who I am and I hope you know that. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled everything, but it was ALL me. I am truly sorry for everything I did, you are not at fault, I just got too close to being happy so I had to mess it up, and I'm sorry you were hurt by my stupidity. We had a LOT of good times together and I pray that someday we can be friends again. I will still sign on to yahoo every night so if you can ever forgive me I'll be here. I have so much love for you and what a good man you are. My life is better for having known you, even if it was brief, I'll never be the same!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
I am not getting into specifics, as it hurts WAY too bad right now to talk about. Let's just say, things were said, words were exchanged, I did something stupid that was misinterpreted, and now I will never be able to think of it ever without cringing and wanting to bash my head against a wall.
Once I got home I watched as I was deleted from his life. I had never been de-friended before, but it SUCKS. First went the facebook, then the yahoo, you get the picture. I did get a phone call so at least I had that! He was very clear so at least I know where I stand and I know I will never talk to him again. He was VERY clear on that point!
Now that I think about it, I think I might have sabotaged it on purpose. I have one of the keenest senses of self loathing. If I get close to anyone, I push it to the point that I ruin everything. I truly wish I could stop but it's like I'm on self-destruct autopilot.
He said I was crazy, and you know what? He's right! They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen. That's the story of my life! So now maybe I can learn something from this experience and move on to something better.
A few lessons I learned over the last couple of months...
1.) To keep my heart locked up tight until I meet someone worthy of giving it to
2.) I am smart, funny, and beautiful. I was made to feel that way and I will never regret a second of my time with him. Even if it ended badly there was a lot of good and he built me up so much! I thank him for that
3.) Being clear and up front is always your best bet! Trying to be the "cool girl" is not worth it. You have to keep your emotions locked up and it is VERY unhealthy! I want to think Jessica for bringing me to that realization today.
4.) No one can cry forever. I didn't think I was ever going to stop as I was bawling from his house, all the way home on my walk and continued until about 8 AM. Eventually I stopped and I have dry eyes and steel in my spine now. I can't say I won't get going again. All it takes is one song or a single memory to pop into my head and we're off to the races. It's much better to let it go than to hold it in I think!
In closing I would like to address him directly. This is the one place I'm pretty sure he is going to check.
I know you are reading this thinking I'm going to trash you in front of the whole Internet but that is not who I am and I hope you know that. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled everything, but it was ALL me. I am truly sorry for everything I did, you are not at fault, I just got too close to being happy so I had to mess it up, and I'm sorry you were hurt by my stupidity. We had a LOT of good times together and I pray that someday we can be friends again. I will still sign on to yahoo every night so if you can ever forgive me I'll be here. I have so much love for you and what a good man you are. My life is better for having known you, even if it was brief, I'll never be the same!
As always thanks for listening and God bless!
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