How Low Can She Go? Not Quite THAT low!

I never write anymore, other than the random one-liner. I am afraid of what I might say.

In case you haven't noticed by this point, I am very concerned about what everyone thinks of me. This is less of an exercise in bravery and honesty than a cry for someone to tell me that I am still a decent person.

I made a dumb mistake last week. I decided that there was something worth salvaging in my relationship. Stupid, huh? But I am a human being and a girl. I tend to fall for beautiful words. The whole time these words were spilling out of his mouth, he was sleeping with someone who I considered a friend.

I never thought that there was a switch that could shut it all off instantly, but that did it.

Having a hard time believing me? I don't blame you. I have said this enough times. But let's be honest and a little crass. You go into another woman after me, there will be no more me. Ever again. Call me old-fashioned, but I consider that sacred. Infidelity is unforgivable to me.

I was starting to move on before this, before my little stutter of insanity. I have someone that I like. I am capable of finding love again. And if I don't, I am starting to be OK with being alone. I pay my bills with a little left over. I have gone from nothing post-prison to having a house full of stuff that is mine and mine alone. That is some serious progress. Remember Jamie, remember. 

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

When Harry Hated Sally

Haven't wrote for awhile. Been in a bit of a tailspin. There is a good reason for this.

It's over.

Yeah, yeah, I know that it was officially over back in May, but I guess both of us held out hope that there was some way to salvage things. 

I swear, I have never seen anything like it. If we were just texting or something, everything was OK. But it seemed like we couldn't be together for more than an hour without one of us getting pissed off at the other.

Is this a dead giveaway that we are not right for each other? Of course it is. Does this make me grieve any less for what was supposed to be? Hell no.

I was supposed to have the barefoot wedding in the woods, the comical last name, and my best friend of 20 years to be the man I woke up next to every morning.

I wake up alone. And still on the left side of the bed. I can't bear to move to the middle. Sometimes the movie ending is not the way things turn out.

Sometimes you say things you can't take back. These are the wounds that never heal. Allowing for no second chances without the faint echo of it in the back of your minds. That is not good for anyone involved.

Love turned to hate. It happens.

My clever 'cat lady' posts are a cover for the real fear that I will never find anyone again. But I guess I have felt like that before, nothing new.

Who knows what's around the corner? I might actually have a first kiss again. Or God willing I will learn to be happy with my own company. Until then I will keep my mind on my kids, my job, and my friends. I am blessed with so much. 

As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

Bully

Well, those of you who know me, know that I have had one screwed up day.
I have seen the news stories about cyberbullying. I thought that it was cruel children. How was I to know that everyone is susceptible to this cruelty. Myself included.
I posted on a local discussion group on facebook the other day. Basically saying that I am tired of heroin headlines and Richmond needs to get off its ass, and offer a legitimate rehab center to help addicts get help and out of the cycle. BIG MISTAKE! I woke up to my friends sending me screenshots of this gem.....

Alrighty then.....
The news article I shared has this thing's niece in it. Yes, I know the girl, all I did was try to constructively bring people's attention to an existing problem. I have been drug through the mud all day long. Outrageous lies! As in I was the one who drowned Allison and that I smoke crack on the regular. I know it's completely ridiculous, but this bothers me A LOT! What gives anyone who doesn't even know me the right to torture me like this?!

I have nothing to hide, which is obvious by this blog. I have shared the good, the bad, and the REALLY ugly with you. Because I believe in taking responsibility for yourself. This is the first step to recovery, and one you CAN'T skip. I shared a newspaper article, this is my sin.
I have done things, SHAMEFUL things, which are all a matter of public record. Why am I so hurt about a stranger and a bunch of obviously crazy people talking about me?

Because I am a human, and no one likes being hated or judged by strangers. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted it, but I am dealing in facts here. I just want people to get the help they need. It wasn't there for me, and it's a blue-eyed miracle that I was able to overcome.
You know the worst of me, and God bless you all, you still think I'm a worthy human being! For those who took up for me today, thank you! I am NOT innocent, not by a long shot, but I do right by everyone now. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

I Am NOT In a Lifetime Movie!

This is not going to be my most popular post. In fact, some of you may be questioning my sanity by the end of it. But this is my road to travel, and only I know the truth that lies in my heart.
I am not going to go into the full story, my true friends know it. There is some dirty laundry that not even I will air. But my boyfriend and I split up 3 months ago, just shy of our 2 year anniversary. It was UGLY. A lot of hurt involved. Some things happened that most people would consider unforgivable. I would have said the same thing if any of my friends were in the same situation. Things always look different when you are actually living them, though.
After the 'incident' he went straight to Centerstone and went into counselling. He has stuck with it the whole time and seems to be improving.
So, I am letting him...VERY SLOWLY....back into my life. There are some people that you know are worth fighting for.
I used to be one of those people. I was a lying, thieving junkie. I woke up at 6 AM and immediately started chugging vodka. You know what helped me? People reminding me that I am worth something. And never, ever giving up on me. If you had given up on me, I can almost guarantee I would be dead or back in prison by now.
So I am going to show the same kindness that I have been shown countless times. The greatest kindness there is. The benefit of the doubt. If it works out, I am thrilled! If not, I have proven to myself that I can stand alone and I will not hesitate to do so.
But the truth at the end of the day is this: I am in love with my best friend of 20 years. Through all of this, that has not changed. I have not even looked crossways at another guy since the split. Never even crossed my mind. I want to help him get back to the good man I know he is, without sacrificing my soul in the process. And you know what? I think it's possible.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

IV-D

I am kind of freaked out by my day today.
Most of it was excellent. Went shopping with the kids, had some laughs, a good afternoon! It was the beginning of the day that was the problem.
I went to court today. No, I didn't do anything. In fact, I think that today was the first time I ever walked into the courthouse without the nagging fear that I wouldn't walk back out again. As most of you know, I am going through a divorce right now. Today was the day that we decided on child support.
I have gotten a lot of flack about this.I am doing well and he has no job and a baby to take care of! Why am I being greedy when I am doing just fine financially?

Yes. This angers me.
Full disclosure: My son gets SSI for his autism. I get child support for my daughter. Plus I work my ass off 40 hours a week. I give everything I have to make sure the kids have an amazing childhood. When I reflect upon my own childhood, I only remember pain and loneliness. Not a lot of bright spots. So I am literally obsessed with making sure that my kids don't have similar memories or feelings as an adult.
So we go out to eat and talk to each other. I put them in nice, name-brand clothing because I remember being teased mercilessly because my mom got me garage sale rejects, not Nikes. I do all these little things, trying to carefully shape their memories into happy ones.
But at the end of the day, none of this matters. Child support comes up in divorces. It's unavoidable. And we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. I am not trying to hurt anyone. But I work my tail off and God damn it my kids and I deserve a higher standard of living. You cannot just make a child and then walk away. It's unconscionable.
I just hope that when the dust settles, we are all better people because of this. I was married to this guy for a decade. I wish him all the luck in the world and to find the peace that I know.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!

The Cruelty of a Child

This is going to be a random post, but I have been thinking about an incident from my childhood and wanted to share a story with you.
When I was a little girl, I had a friend. For the purpose of this blog, we will call her 'Sue.' I had a good time playing with Sue. She was a very tough and funny girl who made me feel brave. Then one night my mom found out that I had been spending a lot of time with this little girl. She sat me down and said, 'I don't want you to play with this girl. Her family is nothing but trash.' I was upset because I didn't understand, but agreed because my mom said so.
Of course, at school the next morning, Sue came running up to me with a big smile on her face. I felt awful for a minute, then remembered my mom, and how angry she could get if I disobeyed her. I stuck my nose up in the air and said, 'My mom says that I'm not allowed to play with you anymore because your family is trash!' Never once thinking about how it would make her feel. Please remember that I was only about 9.
Later that evening my phone rang. My mom answered it and I watched her face turn redder and redder as she apologized profusely for me 'lying and hurting someone's feelings so badly!' Apparently Sue had gone home in tears to her mother asking why they had to be trash because she missed her friend. Mom lied to save face.
That night, I got the beating of a lifetime. For parroting my mother's ignorant prejudices. And I might have given a sweet little girl an emotional scar that she carries to this day. I am still friends with her as an adult. If you read this and recognize yourself, I am truly sorry. I promise you that your face when I said that haunts me to this very day.
Be careful of what you teach your children. Kindness and empathy is ALWAYS the best route.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!.

Flying apart

How am I doing? Well, that's a tricky question.
I am going to work everyday, as always. I take my shower, put my hair up, and make sure that my 'happy' mask is firmly in place. I jump on the bus, clock in, act a fool, crack jokes, and carry trays all day.
I get home at night. Clean the house, make dinner, watch TV with the kids, act a fool, crack jokes, make sure they are bathed and tucked in.
The internal monologue is a completely different story.
I think I have a problem. Like a serious depression-going-on-meds-likely-but-shock-therapy-a-rational-solution thing. I spend everyday obsessing about every little detail of my life. The mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and doubting every decision that I have ever made.
It gets even worse when the kids go to bed. I never let my guard down around them but when they are safe and dreaming, I completely fall apart. I alternate between tears, rage, melancholy, and internal deadness. I feel every emotion in the negative spectrum, but nothing good ever comes in. My time alone has not been a productive time of self-awareness, it has been a horrible time of doubting everything I ever thought true about myself.
Am I the person you all think I am? An inspirational success story? No. I'm a mess with the same baggage as every one else. Just eloquent about expressing it, I am told. And born without a filter.
I have no idea where to go from here. Life goes on, and so will I. It's an adventure, grieving without the benefit of drugs or blackout-drinking. I will continue to work, pay my bills, take care of my babies, and try to hold on to a smidge of hope.
Because at the end of the day that is all it takes. A smidge. If you can hold on to that, I believe that you can always find the way back to the light. I'll find my way back to happy, even if I'm running blind and bumping into walls at the moment.
As always, thanks for listening and God bless!